A/N: And here we go with Chapter 4! A little bit of a jump forward for us, and some drama is incoming as well. A big thank you to SunflowerFran for beta-ing this chapter for me! Happy reading, and please let me know what you think!
The weeks following Alice's party were a whirlwind. More parties, and gatherings, and women's club meetings. And then Christmas festivities came upon us just as hard as the Chicago winter. Everywhere you went fireplaces were roaring with orange flames and crackling logs, and it still wasn't enough to ward off the constant chill that crept through thick layers of clothing.
New Year's Eve saw another grand, all-out, fancy-dress bash hosted by the Whitlocks. Anyone who was anyone was there outfitted to the nines in fanciful costumes. Jacob and I went as Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI, complete with a powdered wig that dropped dust with every step I took. Alice blew everyone away by wearing a fantastic gown that was lit from within by tiny little light bulbs. Leave it to Alice to incorporate the latest technology into her outfit.
Even the Masons were there, with Victoria dressed as a hornet in black and white stripes with a stinger made of dyed ostrich feathers, and Edward donning a pirate captain's garb, looking incredibly handsome while doing so. I found it only slightly odd that while most couples attempted to coordinate their costumes, the Masons went in completely opposite directions.
Everyone was in the spirit of a brand new year, and it showed. I was happy to find that it was all enough to have kept Irina's gossip at bay, with plenty of other distractions to hold her attention.
We drank French champagne all night, ate the finest caviar, and danced quadrilles until we could hardly stand. I even had the opportunity to dance with Edward Mason. He was an absolutely divine dancer, as was his wife.
But the fun and carefree moments are almost gone. The winter is at its worst. The long, cold nights and short frigid days bring out the strangest attributes in people. And I could not get Mr. Mason off my mind.
"When are you going to host the tea you promised to invite Victoria to?" Alice asked me as we sat side by side in her parlor, the fireplace roaring in front of us.
I took a sip of hot coffee, with a dash of cream and sugar just as I liked before answering her query. It warmed me nicely on the way down.
"I'm not sure…Do you think anyone will be willing to come this far in this cold?" I posed the question but knew the answer. The ladies in our circle would go clean across the city in a blizzard for a chance to be together and exchange gossip, especially after spending so much time locked in heated, gilded cages. So coming from north of the river, where most of them live, down to Hyde Park would be no trouble at all for most of them.
"Irina and Rose have been hounding me to get on your case. They all still want to grill Victoria, since they did not get a chance to at my New Year's Eve gala. Though I highly doubt they will get much out of that woman," Alice shrugged her shoulders and picked up a piece of her cook's famous fig cake.
In that case, it was decided for me. It was just a shame we wouldn't be able to use the conservatory unless, by some miracle, spring came early.
"I better get out the stationery when I get home and sent off some invitations," I smiled and shook my head. "But when there aren't enough fireplaces to go around in my sitting room, I will tell the ladies that you're the one to blame, just remember th-."
"Mommy!" we were interrupted by Alice and Jasper's two-year-old daughter Lucy, toddling into the room, followed closely by her nanny, Emily.
"Lucy! How was your nap my little dear?" Alice smiled and brought her daughter up onto her lap and started to feed her a piece of cake while the little girl began to relate her day in her baby vocabulary.
Watching Alice interact with her child always made me smile, but it also hurt my heart.
When I married Jacob, I was sure we would start a family right away. But even when he was still a loving husband, he was never a very passionate man. Our wedding night was probably the most involved he has ever been with me. After that, things went completely downhill.
Perhaps I was never good enough from the start. Perhaps, Jacob and I would have been better off as friends, and marrying different people. Maybe then my husband wouldn't be so miserable, and I wouldn't be so alone now.
Jacob never came to my bed anymore. We have had separate bedrooms from the very beginning, but he adheres to it strictly. I always sleep alone in a bed that is too big for just me, and he sleeps in his dressing room, no doubt clutching his decanter of whiskey, the only company and comfort he's taken for years.
It's no wonder I will never have a child with a husband who won't touch me. I'm lucky to receive the occasional kiss on the back of my hand or the side of my head. And nothing more.
Before I was married, my mother warned me that my husband would likely have quite the carnal appetite for the things that married couples did. I was prepared to welcome my husband into my bed any time that he wanted. I was even willing to be outpaced and let him into my bed even when I did not want to. But mother was wrong, at least about my Jacob.
"Miss Young, please take Lucy back to the nursery," Alice broke me out of my depressing thoughts with the order to the nanny. Visits with her daughter during the day were short but full of love.
"Yes, Mrs. Whitlock. Come along Lucy, I've got a new game we can play," she coaxed the little girl from her mother and took her chubby little hand to lead her out of the room. She stopped at the door to wave goodbye to her mother and myself. I knew well enough to smile and wave back. Lucy was a sensitive child, at least according to Alice.
Alice continued to smile long after Lucy left the room. Motherhood suited her well. I'm certain that she cannot wait for the day that Lucy will be old enough to join in on all the parties and balls.
"What's wrong darling?" Alice reached over to pat me lightly on the knee. She always knew when I was feeling down, even if I hadn't told her anything.
I thought about keeping it to myself, after all, my bad mood was partially to do with her child. But Alice would press me, and I knew she would understand what I was going through. I was free to speak my mind with her, and I was blessed to have a bosom friend in her.
"Just the usual...Lucy is so cute, it makes me so sad," my brows furrowed together as I stared into the dregs at the bottom of my cup of coffee. "Jacob is- Well, you know how Jacob is. I need something to change Alice," I heard my voice break and cursed myself for getting so close to the edge. I cried over this far too often.
"Oh Bella," my best friend put her arm around me. She was such a great comfort, she really was. I think it is the mother in her, though my own is a very cold woman. "I'm certain things will get better. Have you tried talking to him? Have you two ever really sat down and talked about a family?" she asked softly as she rubbed my back.
I buried my face in her shoulder. Alice was smaller than me, but she didn't mind.
"I cannot for the life of me remember… Maybe when we first married? But nothing happened… And now, things are definitely not happening anymore at all. We can't have a baby if he does not want to even try," I allowed the tears to escape my eyes, soiling the shoulder of her wool dress.
"Maybe you should try talking to him again. Really talk to him," she suggested.
"I can't talk to him once he's been drinking. And you know he never puts the glass down long enough to sober up. And I can't force him… I'm never going to have a baby, Alice. I'm going to end up the childless aunt to all of your children," I couldn't help but cry harder at the thought of living my life without the thing I wanted most.
"There, there, dear," Alice tried her best to comfort me, but I was beyond comforting. The reality of my situation was becoming clearer and clearer to me every single day, and that was not easy to come to terms with. "Have you thought about," she began but stopped. "No, never mind," I felt her shake her head as if to banish the thought.
That piqued my curiosity, and I lifted myself out of her embrace.
"Have I thought about what?" I asked, brow raised as I wiped a tear from my cheek. A part of me thought I might know what Alice was referring to, but I would not be the one to say it aloud.
"Well, it's crazy of course, and out of the question. But…Have you thought of asking Jacob for a divorce?" she asked timidly, her voice practically a whisper at the last word.
I felt my jaw practically fall to the ground at her suggestion, and I sat up straighter so I could look at her better, so I could know if she was actually serious or not.
"Alice! I cannot even believe you would suggest such a thing. It's, it's…completely out of the question!" I was practically shouting, and I didn't mean to. I shouldn't be mad; after all, she was the first to say her suggestion was out of the question. But I wasn't mad at her, I was mad at myself because I had already thought about divorcing Jacob.
It was just that, in our social circle, divorce was the biggest taboo of them all.
Getting beat by your husband? Stay married. Husband spending more time at the Everleigh Club with prostitutes than at his own home? Stay married. Husband drinks and gambles away your fortune? Stay married.
Divorce was not an option. I wanted it to be an option. But it simply wasn't. Not if I did not want the wrath of my parents and God brought down on me, and my name to be dragged through the mud in every newspaper in town. And not if I didn't want to lose every penny I had to my name.
Besides the ugly parts, getting a divorce was impractical, and time-consuming and would require my husband's full cooperation. It would also require moving to Indiana for months, or at the very least, taking a long trip down to Mexico for a faster divorce.
Nevertheless, it was all out of the question.
Until death do we part.
"I'm sorry for suggesting it...But in that case, you need to talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. It's the only way you'll get anywhere, Bella. Talk to him tonight," Alice used her soft, comforting voice to bring me down from my earlier outburst.
"And what if it does not work? What if he will not listen?" I asked again, feeling like I was on repeat. I should not sound so cruel to my friend when she was only trying to help, but I really was at a breaking point. This all was going to decide the rest of my life and what happiness I might find in it.
"Then you will have your answer, Bella. And then, you will need to figure out how to deal with it. You will always be welcome to spend time with Lucy if it is not too painful for you. But, I am certain you will find a way to make your own happiness without a child," she said with absolute finality on the subject as she picked up the coffee pot and filled up both of our cups.
"Now, cheer up, and let's start planning that tea. We are both going to need all of our wits to get through it."
After another hour my second-in-command helping me plan the tea, my mind was miles away from Jacob. She was good at getting me wrapped up into something else for long enough that my anxiety would just melt away.
"Take care, darling, I'll call on you tomorrow, alright?" Alice kissed both of my cheeks as we hugged tightly.
"If I have them send you up to my bedroom and not to the parlor, no hard feelings because you'll already know how it all went," I chuckled darkly, humorlessly, as I continued to hold onto her. As soon as I left her embrace I would be all on my own.
"If it ends up being that bad, I will happily go up and comfort you," she patted my back lightly before practicing prising me out of her arms.
Mr. Randall appeared tactfully with my fur and green, wool coat and helped me put it on. Once every button was fastened, I fashioned my bonnet atop my head and pulled on leather gloves to protect my hands. I took my sweet time doing it all too, wanting to prolong the inevitable for as long as humanly possible. I did not want to go home.
"Randall, is my carriage already ready?" I asked the man as I fiddled with the fur lapel of my coat.
"Yes, ma'am, it is already waiting for you," he answered without skipping a beat. Damn him.
"Well, I guess I'll be off then… Please do call tomorrow, Alice, I really will need it, no matter how things go this evening," I grabbed Alice's hand and squeezed it lightly to give myself a last dose of her positive energy.
"I will, don't fret about it, Bella," she smiled and all but pushed me out the front door into the cold.
I stepped quickly down the stairs and out of the front gate to the driveway where my chauffeur stood waiting to open the carriage door for me.
The ride home was short, too short. We all but went around the block our homes are so close. I wished I could have walked slower into the house, but the biting cold kept me moving.
"Welcome home, Mrs. Black," Bree greeted me sweetly after I was let in by our butler. I only nodded my acknowledgment. It was better for her to know I was in a mood rather than to continue to play along with pleasantries.
"Where is Mr. Black?" I asked her as I began the reverse process of removing all of my cold-weather outerwear. She took each piece from me without protest.
"He's in his study, ma'am," she nodded her head down the marble-lined hallway.
"Thank you, Bree. Please have cook send dinner to my bedroom in about an hour," I told her as I began the harrowing trek down the corridor. The gas lights had been turned down for the evening, and fixtures cast interesting shadows on the floor and dark wainscoting that lined the walls. The portraits and paintings that hung were distorted by the low light and only served to increase my anxiety for what I was walking in to.
Jacob's study was at the back of the house. The two story room was filled with built-in bookshelves, and those shelves were in turn, filled with books. There were some of his law school tomes, and old books given to him as wedding presents, and the rest were loaded off on him by his father who was an avid book collector who had run out of space in his own home. I hardly ever saw him pick up a book anymore.
The thing I liked about the study most were the two huge, leaded glass windows that framed everything and let it lots of natural light. Most days, Jacob had the curtains drawn tightly, with the only light coming from a large oil lamp he kept on his writing desk.
I knocked lightly on the door before letting myself in.
It was time to seal my fate, once and for all.