Chapter 4 – Acceptance

The bar was quieting down as the dinner crowd left and Sam sat patiently beside his friend as Callen stewed about the rejection of not being the next Operations Manager. After a stretch of silence there was an outburst of frustration.

"Can you believe she told Granger that she didn't think I was capable of separating my personal feelings for the team from decisions of getting the job done effectively?" Callen slammed his beer on the bar.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me you were applying for the position that would make you my boss.". Sam had his own frustrations. "Imagine my surprise when Granger approached me with questions about you as you were wanting to move up the ranks." He gently set his own beer down, a move Callen noticed. An angry Sam Hanna was better than when the former Navy SEAL was passive.

"You're mad," Callen said realizing he had made a mess of things by wanting that position. His outburst with Hetty and now his best friend. Taking another long drink of his beer, Callen had hopes of it minimizing his thoughts.

"Not mad G. Disappointed. You should have told me."

"I was trying to make the decision on my own. You know, not having other people with their opinions and feelings weighing in on my decision."

Sam understood but by now he thought Callen would know that he wouldn't impose his thoughts on him but be supportive as that's what friends do.

"I wanted the job for Katie."

"She asked you to get another job?" From what he knew of her and their relationship and the incident in the past about his job, he would be surprised if that was what happened.

"No. She still supports me as a Field Agent." He shook his head and took another drink of his fourth beer. "It was my idea. And apparently, not one of my better ones," he admitted. "I don't want to miss time with her, you know? Life is so unpredictable."

"So you thought taking on the position of Operations Manager would fix that?" Sam asked with a look of astonishment on his face.

"Hetty doesn't do undercover assignments."

"But she's at the office long after us most nights," Sam countered.

"It's by choice sometimes," Callen replied having thought he could put in one or two late nights but still be home by a reasonable hour the other three.

"Was she wrong in what she said?"

Callen glared over at Sam and hated that he was so sharp. He had thought he'd covered all the bases when applying for the job. And that he would learn, as he went along, the things he wasn't familiar with. Tough decision making had been a daily part of his job but not on the level it would be as Operations Manager. He had overlooked the fact that he would have to sacrifice an Agent for the successful outcome of a mission if/when that scenario presented itself and no other options were available. Katie was right - Hetty had the utmost confidence in him to get Nate and himself home safely. Nate had gotten in over his head and Hetty knew Callen would read any 'signs' Nate gave that he wasn't a traitor. And that sign had been the sniff and twitch of the psychologist's nose. Despite her confidence, she also knew the risk that Callen would be killed was very high given the people Nate was working with.

The seasoned Agent always managed to get out of the numerous tough spots he had been in but he also knew that the day could come when he couldn't. Would he have been able to put Kensi, Grace or Sam in a situation where the outcome was even more unpredictable than usual? The answer was a resounding no. Going in with a partner or rest of the team carried a substantially lower risk of things going wrong than an Agent going in solo.

Making that decision to have Deeks mourning the love of his life or Michelle having to tell Rachel her father wasn't ever coming home, because of a decision he made, was an unbearable thought. Although Grace wasn't in a relationship, her sister and niece had come to live with her. He would have had to tell her family the worst of the worse news.

"No she wasn't wrong," he finally admitted aloud.

"Okay G, I've been listening to you for," he glanced at his phone, "fity-three minutes and I'm still not sure if you are trying to drown your sorrows or if you are gunning for alcohol poisoning so you don't have to go to work tomorrow." He pushed both their drinks aside and summoned the bartender to get them two black coffees. "What's this really about G?" He and Katie had overcome some serious shit and him not getting this job was, by far, the least serious.

It took several minutes of silence and sipping coffee for Callen to finally answer his partner in typical G. Callen fashion.

"Does Michelle know about Jada?" Callen asked as he gestured for another cup of coffee, silently thanking Sam for the switch in beverages.

"G, you know nothing ..."

Callen interrupted him, "I know nothing happened. I meant does Michelle know that her brother escaped our custody and that he harbours revenge for you?"

Sam wondered where this line of questioning was leading but still answered. "She knows that we were overseas taking down a notorious criminal and he evaded us after we captured him."

"Janvier will be sending his Christmas card soon."

It took a moment but Sam caught on. "If Katie sees it she will ask who Janiver is."

"Yeah." He leaned in closer to Sam, "He knows where we live."

Sam understood Callen's worry and that despite being in one of the most secure prisons in the world, The Chameleon's reach had the potential to stretch beyond the steel bars and several feet of thick building walls. Just as Sam worried more about his family than himself with Tahir Kaled on the loose, Callen was concerned about Janvier learning about Katie, if he hadn't already. Their nemesis' weren't after Callen and Sam, but those they loved. That was the ultimate revenge for 'men' like Janvier and Kaled.

"What does Janvier have to do with you wanting to be Operations Manager?" Sam ask, trying to piece together everything Callen was saying.

As he said the words aloud he suddenly realized how his plan wasn't very well thought out at all. "I thought that I could get some inside help in keeping a close watch on him. Who was contacting him, who he was contacting."

"G, he's in solitary confinement twenty-three hours a day."

Callen's eyes, filled with guilt, still allowed his voice to be that of reason, "He outed you to Sidarov. He's capable of anything. Sam couldn't argue with that.

"Katie wants me to see a shrink. To talk about things," Callen said as Sam headed the Challenger towards Callen's home.

"Are you going to?" Sam asked knowing it wouldn't be with Nate.

Silence.

"I'll take that as a no."

"What could I tell them that would be beneficial in helping me? Although there's doctor/patient confidentiality, national security trumps that and even Nate didn't have the clearance that we do on many things."

Sam nodded his head in agreement.

"Unless he's dead, I don't see how anyone can help me." His thoughts traveled back to when he had asked Arkady for help but couldn't do it due to logistics with Janvier being sent to Guantanamo Bay. He was so close to having that problem permanently solved. So close.

He had to tell someone his deepest fear or he was going to lose it and with Sam he knew it wouldn't go any further. Callen took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. "If Katie sees the card and asks who sent it to me, I can tell her but it's what she may get from that truth."

Sam remained quiet.

"She's an intuitive woman." His next words were hard to think let alone say. "What if she thinks her life is in danger because she is with me? I had a dream that he addressed the card to Katie."

Both men knew that would be Janvier's next move in their game. Sam had been the target of that revenge. He was trained to deal with 'those' types of situations. Katie wasn't. It became clearer to Sam why Callen didn't want to be a field agent anymore – he didn't want to be too far from home and in turn, not far from Katie. Sam had worries about Michelle and Rachel but given his wife's CIA training, it was much less than what Callen had for Katie.

As Sam pulled in the driveway Callen wasn't feeling the effects of the almost four beers as much and was grateful for that. But he was still nowhere near permanently dealing with his 'secret admirer'. Both men thought it 'odd' that hardened criminals like Janvier still had 'rights' and could send out one Christmas card each year. Sam tried to reassured him that the prison Janvier was in was as secure as they get and although he still managed to send a Christmas card to Callen, it would be next to impossible to get outside information, like Katie living with him. Callen thanked him for the ride home and for being the best friend a man could have.

As he turned the key in the lock of the front door, Callen shook his head to free it of the thoughts it had for the past few hours. He saw a glimmer of light in the hallway indicating Katie was still up. After dropping his bag in its spot and taking off his shoes, he made his way to the bedroom.

"Hey," he said as he leaned down to give her a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Hey," she replied after looking away from her phone. "Just reviewing my schedule for tomorrow. How was your outing with Sam?"

Texting her of his whereabouts after leaving work was something he did without question. "Good. Just had a few beers to wind down after a rough day," he answered while taking off his clothes.

Callen's words triggered negativity in her response, "You're not the only one who had a rough day."

"It's late, we can talk about it tomorrow?"

"Hopefully you're home early enough," she quipped before placing her phone in the drawer and pulling the blankets up over her shoulders.

Was her patience with his long nights wearing thin? And he wasn't even at work that evening! Saying sorry was futile and although Katie supported him, her words were laced with frustration. And he had to do something to ease her frustrations as well as his own.

"I'll be up for a bit so I will sleep in the guest room," he said as he grabbed a t-shirt and jogging pants from the dresser.

"You don't have to," Katie said rolling on to her back to look up at him.

"I know but I don't want to disturb you."

"If you change your mind," she looked at the empty space beside her.

"Sweet dreams Kates. I love you."

"And I love you."

Callen turned, left the room and close the door behind him before making his way to the living room. He made himself comfortable on the couch before pulling out his phone. As he scrolled across the days of the calendar he stopped when the day they leave for Aruba was visible. Five weeks away. He shook his head and wished he could speed up time so he could whisk Katie away to the tropics for fun in the sun. California was fun. And sunny. But it also had thirty million people. And wildfires. And earth quakes. Those thoughts were way to depressing so he switched on the TV and found one of his favourite movies, Uncle Buck. Making sure the volume was low enough not to disturb Katie, he leaned back on the couch and enjoyed the laughs the comedy of John Candy gave his audiences. After the movie was over, he used the washroom then headed for the guest room. As he laid in bed, he replayed Katie's words, "Hopefully you're home early enough." Frustrations were building in the Callen-Mitchell household. What could he do to alleviate that frustration? Thanksgiving and Christmas were nearly upon them and they were both looking forward to spending the holidays with family and friends. That would help.

Then it hit him - Holidays

Callen had an epiphany and literally patted himself on the back for (finally) thinking of it. And then mentally kicked himself in the ass for not thinking of it sooner.

Acceptance of his life, as it was, had always been a struggle for Callen. But with his new found plan and Katie's unwavering support, he would be on his way to finally accepting that he wasn't ever going to be able to predict when his past would come to the present or that a decision he made in the present would affect the future. And to finally start living the amazing life he had with Katie. And limit the amount of 'what ifs' he allowed into his mind.