Chapter 11 – Therapy
A/N:
This chapter was inspired by my interpretation of Sam's comment to Callen (about him still being single) after Deeks questioned his worthiness of Kensi in Till Death Do Us Part.
Thank you to everyone who has reviewed this story. And a special thank you to Adrianna for the kind words.
I am trying to be diligent with details but sometimes things change. Just a small one but I thought I would mention it. This chapter takes place Monday Morning, December 22. Three days before Christmas, not two as mentioned in previous chapter.
I strive to incorporate as realistic as possible scenarios in my stories and often do a little research before writing but sometimes I like to leave things to my imagination-Callen in a therapy session is one of those things.
I was surprised at how close I was to the number of unused vacation days Callen has: 44 on the show. 42 in this story.
"Thank you for getting me in last minute, Dr. Gerrard," Callen said as he sat in the chair across from the slightly older woman three days before Christmas.
"The mind doesn't take a break for the holiday's Agent Callen".
Callen needed to talk and was pleasantly surprised when Dr. Gerrard said she could see him at ten o'clock Monday morning after his late Sunday night text to her. He thought we would have to wait until the New Year. But luckily for him, one of her clients had cancelled shortly before she received Callen's text.
"I like that you don't use the word patient," he said as he shifted his body to get comfortable in the chair.
"That's for people who are sick," she replied as she set a timer and then got right into the session. "What would you like to talk about today?"
Callen had a specific topic in mind but was hesitant to vocalize it as it was extremely overwhelming.
"It's okay, take a moment to gather your thoughts."
He took a deep breath and let it, and his thoughts, all out.
"What prompted you to question your worthiness of Katie?"
"I don't know. I mean, I know that she loves me and that we are good for each other ..."
The proverbial 'but' lingered in the silence.
"But you're not whole heartedly convinced that you are worthy of her."
The nodding of his head caused some anxiousness as his leg started to nervously bounce. And it didn't go unnoticed by his therapist.
"Is there something specific that triggers the thought?"
Instantly, the man across from her became flustered. "My job. My past. Life."
"Ah yes, the being a cop his hard but being the spouse of cop is harder."
They weren't married yet, but Callen knew what she meant. And that comment led to an in-depth analysis of Callen from his point of view.
"This is common with people in law enforcement and working through their thoughts is a start to fully accepting yourself and what you've chosen as your career."
His eyes darted to hers at the word career. He used the word job as did the people he worked with. But it was his career having been with three-letter agencies since graduating from University. Dr. Gerrard and Callen talked a bit about that and the difference it can make with thought processes when specific words are used.
"Tell me three things about yourself that you like."
"Well, I'm loyal to the people I care about," he said with a hesitancy of not wanting to "toot his own horn".
"It's not bragging when you say good things about yourself. Or arrogance."
Callen had promised himself that he was one hundred percent committed to therapy in hopes of finding ways to cope with the struggle to balance his work and personal life. And he had to trust that Dr. Gerrard knew what she was doing.
"I'm confident in how I do my job as I trust my training and the people I work with."
"Very good, one more."
"I'm compassionate to people who deserve it".
"Some people don't deserve compassion?" she asked.
"Of course not. You've seen people at their worst."
"This is about you, Callen."
"I've seen the worst of the worst, but I also try to see the good in those that have just made a wrong turn in life."
"That's commendable."
The compliment barely registered in his brain before he changed the topic.
"I know I help keep people safe but some of the things I've done … it's hard to feel like I'm worthy of being loved, you know?"
"Have you and Katie talked about that?"
"Yes." He divulged what happened in Kenya and how he (still) wonders that despite her acceptance of the incident, would he eventually cross a line that she didn't know she even had?
"I can see that this is an emotional topic, and so it should be. We'll get back to that later. How about we focus on what you do in your relationship with Katie that is positive. What do you feel are positive aspects of your relationship?"
"Sex." He may have regretted that answer. Or maybe it would reveal something.
"Why do you like sex with Katie?"
Seriously? He reiterated the question in his head, dissecting the words. It wasn't "why do you like sex" but "why do you like sex with Katie?" She made is personal. And so, she should have.
"There's the obvious, it feels good." He was catching on to one of the purposes of therapy: Explore long time feelings that have surfaced and more importantly, those that are still, unknowingly, suppressed. "You want more than that," he said quietly. "I don't have to talk about how I'm feeling. I can show her."
"How does Katie feel about that?"
"What?"
"Some people like to vocalize their feelings during intimate relations, others like to have their actions speak for them.
Oh, she's vocal alright. But I don't think the doc is referring to that
"She's good with it."
Dr. Gerrard sensed Callen needed some affirmation of the way he felt. "It's perfectly normal to use sexual situations to communicate feelings to your partner. So long as it's not the only or main way a person communicates in a relationship."
It had been his preferred way, but Katie wasn't 'allowing' it to be his only way. He was accepting of that as he became more aware of his need to not compartmentalize everything.
"So, the three things you like about yourself are that you are loyal, compassionate and confident."
Callen shifted in his seat as he took a moment to reflect on those qualities. He was feeling poised, so he mentioned something else.
"I had several vacation days accrued so I took one day a week off to use them up."
"And why did you do that?"
"To be home more. Do errands and make dinner so we could eat together. She works full time, has a social life and volunteers when she can at women's shelters. My schedule is unpredictable. Even missed Thanksgiving due to work."
Having been in law enforcement for several years, Dr. Gerrard knew all too well the missed holidays with family.
"So, you took those days off to be there for Katie when she woke up and came home from work?" A golden rule as a therapist was never divulge personal information or thoughts to a client to make a professional point. Dr. Gerrard was extremely professional but at that moment her mind drifted momentarily. Some of her other clients could take a cue from G. Callen when it comes to making time for your partner.
"Yeah."
"How does that tie into something you like about yourself?"
Dr. Gerrard was going to make him work for his successes.
"I'm fair. Like at work, we all have things to do that need to be done even if we don't like them as they are often crucial to the outcome of the case we are working on. The same goes for our relationship." He paused a moment to keep the lump in his throat from going upwards. "I have the opportunity, with Katie, to live the life I only dreamed about before I met her. So, I will do whatever I can to at least try and balance things out in our relationship because my career choice is steadily unpredictable."
"Do you feel you are doing the best you can to achieve that balance?"
"Yes, I do."
"But you don't feel it's enough?"
"No, I don't." He felt his body sink further into the chair. He knew many of his issues stemmed from his childhood. It could take years to analyze them.
"What more you think you should be doing?"
"Short of retiring, I don't know."
Callen then revealed his contemplation to retire and Katie's disagreement with it.
"Do you trust Katie?"
"Of course, I do. I would not be with her if I didn't." As soon as the words left his mouth, he realized what discussion was up next—his trust issues with people in general.
As they talked, the discussion drifted to his other relationships but made its way back to Katie as she was the specific reason that brought him to that therapy session.
"We covered quite a bit. How are you feeling right now?" Dr. Gerrard asked.
Callen shook his head, "Overwhelmed."
"I would be surprised if you weren't."
When Dr. Gerrard put down her note pad and pen, Callen thought the session was over and didn't like that it didn't seem to have a conclusion to it.
And then when his therapist leaned forward and made direct eye contact, Callen realized there was more.
"I can help you work through your thoughts and advise on ways to accept who you are and what you have done. And even of what you might do." She leaned back and continued, "Based on the sessions so far, I feel you are more accepting of yourself and career choice than you realize." She saw he was about to question that but shook her head slightly. "We are our own worst critic, but we can also be our own best supporter. The latter is often more challenging."
Callen took a moment to process her comments. So much easier said than done was all that his mind could manage. But he was going to keep working on it. That was the one thing he was most certain of.
"What happened in Kenya and with Katie's ectopic pregnancy, was traumatic. For both of you. Therapy is helpful but it will also take time to diminish the impacts of the trauma, individually and as a couple."
"The good in you, the good you see in others and the ability to come out a survivor in all aspects of your life will help you, in time, find that inner peace and acceptance you seek."
They set up another appointment for the New Year and before Callen turned to leave, Dr. Gerrard said she had a homework assignment for him.
"Homework?"
"Of course, therapy isn't just about the time we spend here."
"He knew that, but it was the holidays. And his first real vacation ever.
"Relax. Enjoy your time with Katie. Live in the moment. Don't think about anything but the two of you. And remember to use sunscreen. You're closer to the Equator down there." Her warm smile had Callen feeling more confident about his life and future. He was too hard on himself. He had to lighten up. Two weeks in the Tropics should help make that doable. Right?
Callen shook her hand and left the office optimistic and eager to get to work so he could do whatever needed to be done and then partake in the office Christmas get together with eggnog and Nell's delicious short bread cookies. Tomorrow, December 23, the team was scheduled to work and IF the bad guys by chance this year decided to behave until the New Year, the day would be spent on unfinished paperwork. For Callen that meant Expense Reports and After-Action Reports, his least favourite part of being a Special Agent.
Unlike Callen, it was Katie's last day of work before the holidays. She and Taryn would volunteer, tomorrow, at the local Women's Shelter. With a diverse group of people seeking refuge at the shelter, Christmas wasn't the only religious celebration taking place. Taryn had procured several gifts for the children and women with a generous donation from Mike and several other local restaurateurs. Her morning has consisted of a departmental meeting and sitting in with Taryn as she counseled a young boy who had recently lost both parents in a car crash. She had just returned from lunch and was preparing for a solo counseling session with a nine-year-old girl who had taken to self harming herself, when her cell phone buzzed. Her body stiffened as she saw the name. Sam.
"Hey Sam," Katie answered with trepidation. There was only one reason Sam would call her at work.
"He's fine Katie." Sam's first words were abrupt but most welcomed.
"I'm with him at the hospital ..."
"But you said he's fine."
"He is. It's just a flesh wound." He briefly explained what had happened.
"A bullet grazed his calf?" she asked, wondering how the heck that could happen.
"He needed some stitches, but he'll be fine. I'm just waiting for doctor to finish up and then I'll drive him home."
"Okay, thank you for calling me Sam. Tell him I'll be home around usual time today. Unless he needs me to come home now?" She was wondering why he couldn't drive himself home if he was fine.
"It's his right leg. So, he'll be sore for a few days."
"Yeah, that makes sense. Sam?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you for taking care of him."
"You're welcome.
As she glanced at the time, grabbed her notepad and made her way down the hall, a selfish thought popped into her head. Was he going to be okay to travel?
A/N: This took forever to write, so if you are still with me, thank you.