Noctilucent: Clouds of icy dust that form at very high altitude on the edge of space. They consist of ice crystals and are only visible during astronomical twilight.

A/N: [Insert obligatory "I'm sorry for taking two years to update" apology] As you know for the longest time I had a visceral hatred towards how chapter 3 turned out, and I told myself I would edit the whole fic before posting the last chapter. As of November of last year (2020), I managed to keep that part of my promise. I've re-edited chapters 1-3, and I can finally say I'm satisfied with how they turned out. If you haven't read the edited version, please, do at least re-read chapter 3, the pacing is just so much better.

Chapter warning: buckle up fellas. little happens in this chapter but it is a complete roller coaster of emotions and i spent an ungodly amount of time setting up the gears.

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The words seem to ricochet off her mind, like a passing delusion she quickly brushes off before it has any chance to take root. Her heart, now overflowing with every imaginable emotion (surprise, panic, fear, doubt— joy?), sets off in a mad race. He looks at her with his boyish smile and too-innocent eyes, and she wonders how much she can afford to believe him.

"You think?"

"I know?" Shinichi blurts, but the look on Shiho's face makes him realize his mistake, and he quickly reiterates, "Uh, I do!"

Shiho is momentarily torn between the urge to yell at him or cry. She settles for a humorless chuckle.

"Kudo-kun, you… you really have the worst timing." And fate, it seems, works in cruel ways sometimes.

He takes a step forward, leaning closer in earnest as clumps of white snow glide down the arch of the umbrella and fall onto the ground with a muffled thud. The bluish hue of his eyes mirrors the sadness in hers, and disappointment is clear in his voice when he presses, "Is that all you have to say?"

She finds it unbearably difficult to keep herself from taking his hand and asking him to tell her all about it— about the hows and whens and what if she isn't really over him at all— but reality brings her back to her senses. Daydreams can be a dangerous thing when they come true, especially after deemed impossible. And she can't afford to be building castles in the air when he's the one asking her to keep him grounded. Flying is foolish if they can't take the fall.

"What do you want me to say, Kudo-kun? It's been over a year! I can't just turn my feelings on and off like a switch. Besides..." She trails off, unable to look at him as she feels her surroundings blur and lose meaning. Trapped in that intersection of flurrying snow and flickering street lights, they can't seem to find a way back or forward.

"Besides…?"

"I'm moving to Cambridge." Shiho reveals, and she hates that something she'd been so excited about for so long now sounds like a death sentence. "I'm starting the Easter term."

The brief moment of bliss brought by his confession dissipates like white smoke in thin air as he lets her words sink. Shinichi's face goes through a chain of emotions: surprise, discouragement, then anger.

"You're leaving the country?" He bursts, followed by a string of choked huffing sounds that fail to form a coherent word. "Unbelievable!" He's finally able to muster, "And when was I supposed to learn about this, huh? When you were halfway across the world and I showed up like a moron at Nakamura's place?"

The accusation, although not completely unfounded, makes her heart sting with a mix of guilt and annoyance. "I was going to tell you, Idiot... eventually."

"Eventually." He quacks, half an octave off pitch in his resentment. "Jeez. Am I supposed to say thank you?"

"You don't have to say anything!" Shiho retorts irately, her face heating up as embarrassment and anger dust her cheeks red. She feels called out and she isn't even sure if it's with reason— they don't have a claim on each other, after all… what they have is way less concrete and far more complicated than that. It seems like they're bound to each other by fate like parallel lines that shall never intertwine, like similar poles repel each other.

"Right." A wry chuckle from his lips, he grimaces, bitterness getting the best of him, "Same way you didn't say a word when you left?"

"Same way you didn't give a fuck to tell me you wanted me to stay."

"I did— Urgh." He shakes the umbrella, unable to throw his hands in the air, and runs his free hand through his hair in a frustrated manner instead. "You know what? Fine, whatever. I can't deal with you sometimes."

Shiho arches her brows, offended at his remark. As if she was the one imposing herself on him. A fit of pettiness overcomes her when she replies, "Well, lucky you won't have to for much longer, then!"

"You know very well that that's not what I want!" Her detective snaps back, once again looking wounded with that poutish face that should frankly be illegal.

And by God, it makes her so mad. They've gone through this before— through goodbyes and regrets and moving on to not really, and she's tired of guessing games and emotionally manipulative puppy faces. She's tired.

"I don't know what you want!" She reminds him through gritted teeth.

Shinichi lets out an exasperated huff as he makes vague, frantic hand gestures at her. "I— you!" He searches for her eyes, brows creased and cheeks flushed with something other than embarrassment, the scowl on his face mildly softened by the yearning in his stare. His teeth sink into his lower lip, chewing on it heedlessly before he asks,"Come back."

Ah. If only. She takes a step back, foolishly hoping that physical distance would make the heart grow apart.

"I can't."

He ventures an encouraging smile, insisting, "But of course you can!"

But the flippancy of his words only serves to strengthen her resolve. It's easy for him to put his perfect life on pause— a life they both fought with their lives to get back, at that— to go chase after whatever whim his heart desires, but she… she doesn't have that privilege. She has no life to get back to if all else fails, no back up plan, no name of her own. She can't go back to being Ai if she lets him ruin Shiho, can't let him ruin every version of herself until there's nothing left.

"No— I actually can't! I have plans, Kudo. I have a life now. You can't expect me to throw this all away because you suddenly think you're in love with me."

"You don't believe me?" The frown on his face deepens, as if hurt. As if that was the problem.

And that's the problem, isn't it? The problem is that he doesn't know what he wants and she doesn't know who she is, and they're stuck in a perpetual chase for answers they won't be able to find if they don't find themselves first. At least she can't— she can't keep rebuilding herself in the image he desires, just so she can fit in his life.

"Do you believe it yourself? I think you're confused. Lovelorn. I don't know. But this— being reckless isn't being in love."

"Maybe." Shinichi concedes, his voice softer now as he seems to let go of his frustration. "But how are we going to know it if we don't give it a chance?"

The unexpected tenderness takes her by surprise, and she's so terrified by how it almost wavers her determination that she promptly tears her gaze away.

"You had a chance." She asserts not-so-kindly.

"No, you know that's not fair of you to say. Timing was not right when we first met."

"Timing is never right for us."

"Then let's make it right. It will never be right unless we try."

"I'm sorry— I can't give you that. Not now."

"But you just said you were in love with me! Aren't you anymore?"

If hearts shattering made a sound, she'd be deaf from hearing him say that. Ironically enough, she doesn't know if hers was whole to begin with. She doesn't know if there's anything left in her to break.

"Even if I was, that's not enough. You said it yourself— some people you will always love, but that doesn't mean they are right for you. That doesn't mean you can work things out."

"That's different!"

"Why, because you want me now?" Shiho nearly laughs, and she can't deny that a part of herself does hope things were that simple. But gambling one's future and what's left of a heart away can never be that simple. "That's not how it works! You can't just bend reasoning to your own selfish needs."

"And you can't just run away!"

"I'm not running away, I'm pursuing a different dream. Is that so bad?"

"No." Shinichi admits, taking a deep breath to gather his thoughts and looking both reluctant and helpless. He takes a few seconds to consider his words, and speaks them hesitantly. "It's not half bad. It's just… If this is what you truly want, then—"

"Then...?"

"I'm happy for you. I really am. But I'm not happy. I can't accept this— I don't know how to."

"You have to."

Her simple statement leaves no room for argument, and silence falls between them for the longest time. The snowfall thickens around them, casting pink shadows as shimmering snowflakes dance over the traffic lights.

"So that 's it?" Shinichi blinks the soft glimmer in his eyes away, and a choked, humorless laugh follows, "You leave again.. and I'm supposed to just… let you? I can't do this again… watch you walk away and pretend that I'm okay with it. I was never okay with it."

"Don't do it, then. Don't come anymore. Don't send me off."

"That doesn't solve anything!"

"That's because you're chasing after an idea. You came here because you're confused about how you feel, Kudo-kun. You want answers, not a relationship."

"Is that really what you think of me?" Torn between feeling relieved and defeated, Shinichi allows the faintest smirk to show on his lips, "Answer me, then, since you've been avoiding the question: do you still love me?"

"I do. I love you. But I don't want your love if you're going to love me on a bare minimum."

"You really have the lowest opinion of me, don't you?" He can't help but laugh, although seemingly a bit insulted. "Have a little faith in me."

"You're not exactly boyfriend material, you know."

"I can prove you wrong."

"Not across the world, no." Shiho finds it in her to muster a smile, hoping it comes off as reassuring. "And you don't have to— I'm not the best at relationships either."

"Sounds like a match." He jokes, and the sweet irony in that truth makes her laugh despite her best efforts.

"The worst kind possible."

Suddenly, his expression turns serious, his voice all but solemn.

"I'm willing to take that risk."

"You talk as if we stood a chance."

"You talk as if we didn't."

And she's touched by all this— by him and his adamancy and the feelings she once buried so deep in the back of her mind she could have sworn they would lay rest forever— but courage and common sense aren't always willing to walk hand in hand, and she happens to lack the first and have an excess of the latter.

"Let's put it to the test, then." She says, calmer than her frenzied heartbeat should allow her to be. "If what you say is true, it should withstand the test of time."

Shinichi makes a face.

"That's so unfair."

"For who?"

"Us."

"Then make it fair" Shiho challenges, unfazed. "Don't let us go wasted."

Shinichi heaves a sigh of resignation, shaky and deep with emotions left unsaid.

"I can never talk you over, can I? I can never win with you. No matter what I say, it's clear that you've already made up your mind."

"I have."

He takes one last longing look at her, teeth buried on his lower lip to keep them from frowning. The street is suddenly as quiet as the emptiness echoing in his heart.

"So is this really goodbye?" He almost whispers, shallowing back a choke. "I never know how to say that to you."

"Then say see you later."

"Later, when?"

"When we meet again."

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A/N: hold on to your pitchforks and hear me out— i know i say every chapter that the next chapter is the last, but the story simply does not want to abide by my script. what comes after this simply does not fit the thematic of this chapter and i much rather have it in a separate chapter or epilogue itself. That said, i recently posted a spin off drabble called hues if you want to have a different approach to the story— it is not a direct continuation per se, but it's something that i picture could have happened in this verse. I've always said that you're welcome to interpret this story however you like (and hues is one way of interpretation), but if you want my final take, i shall have it ready soon (?), sometime (?)... within this year (?). And it should be short, about 200-400 words, so please don't sweat for it.

TL;DR, to unlock the ending pls leave a review lmao o7