"Is Ruzek coming?" Kevin looked around the group gathered at Molly's. It had been a long time since they'd all been together here. Kevin had decided they needed it, Kim had talked to him about how she felt that they were all split and the family feeling they once had was teetering. "I called him and he didn't pick up?"

Nobody had any idea and even Hailey just shrugged and turned her attention back to her conversation with Halstead. It irked Kevin a little. Ruzek wasn't the same anymore, why could no one see or more to the point, why did no one care? It had taken him a while to notice it and he was disappointed with himself for that, he should have been onto this earlier.

He looked at Kim, raising one eyebrow and she got it.

When she got a chance, when Hailey headed to the bar to buy a round Kim swallowed her pride. She swore she wasn't going to talk about Adam with her, she'd moved on, he'd moved on and talking to his new girlfriend was fraught with danger. She didn't want anyone to see that it did bother her so she had just decided to be the adult in the room at the time and now it was too late. Adam's unsettling admission put paid to that, first and foremost his wellbeing was more important because she still cared about him, more than she wanted to admit. "I'm surprised Adam's not here. He rarely misses a chance to tie one on." She tried to keep it light.

"Guess he's not in the mood."

"Is he okay?"

Hailey shrugged. "I guess so, just typical Adam. You never know what mood he's going to be in." She picked up the drinks and headed back to the table leaving Kim stewing on her words.

Well that was bullshit, or at least it used to be. Adam's moods were pretty consistent. He loved life, his friends and having a drink. He wasn't moody and you could read him like a book, he was open and friendly, at least that was the Adam she remembered but everyone changes and perhaps he had more than most, especially lately.

"Well this is a surprise?" Adam frowned a little when he opened the door. He wasn't expecting anyone and was enjoying the peace and quiet. He knew he was supposed to be at Molly's for drinks, Kevin had almost begged him to come but he blew it off at the last minute. He just didn't feel like talking to people and pretending everything was okay.

"Who were you expecting?"

"Nobody, definitely not you."

He certainly didn't open the door to welcome her in. "I'm worried about you Adam."

"Don't be? Don't waste your time."

"You don't get to decide what I can and can't worry about." Kim pushed past him. "What the fuck is going on with you?"

"I'm fine."

"You are not fine." Kim used air quotes repeating what he'd told her a few days ago. "It's what I deserve, punishing myself, should I go on?"

"It's none of your business. It was your choice to stop making it your business when you gave me back your engagement ring."

"So that's what this is about?"

"Nope. You get to blame me for making you doubt yourself, fair enough, I'll cop that. Doesn't mean I didn't suffer as well." Adam waved her anyway. "Anyway, water under the bridge. I fucked up; I keep fucking up. You are better off away from me."

"You honestly think that? What do you keep fucking up? Talk to me Adam."

"You, I fucked up you, you basically told me that, I fucked up Al, Antonio, the Unit, everything I touch turns to shit." He glared at her. "Just go, before I fuck everything else up too."

"What, you and Hailey."

"Ha, that's been fucked from the start." His laugh was weird and a little unsettling.

"What does that mean?"

"Neither of us want whatever it is that's going on."

"Then why do it."

He stepped forward, grabbing her cheeks with both hands. "Because it stops this…" He leant in close and then pulled back. "…it stops this hurting too much. Please leave." He stepped back just as suddenly, his breathing was labour and hers wasn't much better. Being this close to him hurt her more than she thought it would. That last night they spent together, when she'd pulled him out of Molly's flashed through her mind. It wasn't helpful right now and she blinked slowly trying to displace it. "Kim, just leave."

"No."

"Jesus, this is what you wanted." He growled at her angrily. "You wanted this, and now you have some sense of pity or I don't know what and now you want to fix it. You could have fixed this a long time ago, but you didn't, you didn't want too. You didn't want me. You don't get to fix me now."

"Are you done?"

"Are you still here?" He shot back at her.

Kim just sat on his couch; she knew it pissed him off but she wasn't leaving until she was satisfied. If nobody else seemed to care what was going on with him, she would. Kev had tried and got nowhere, she had to try. There was something else, something else he said that nagged her. "What about Al?"

He was surprised by the change in topic. "He's dead."

"Yes he is. You said you fucked up Al?"

"Well he's dead because of me."

"That's bullshit Adam."

"Is it? You have no idea." It was so close to the surface; it was eating him from the inside out.

"Then tell me."

"Fine, Woods came to me, he found out I got my sister off a DUI and tried to blackmail me into ratting out Voight, I couldn't do it, I tried to play both sides of the coin and it failed. Al found out; Voight knew. Woods turned on Al when he couldn't get me to do his dirty work, we tried to play him, Al ended up in jail and now he's dead. I could have stopped it." It flowed out of him relentlessly and now he started he couldn't stop. He'd kept it inside for far too long, it was eating him up. He had not told a soul, not even Voight wanted anything to do with it. As far as he was concerned it was over, but it wasn't over for Adam, not by a long shot. "Happy now. Al is dead and it all started with me."

"No it didn't Adam, it all started with that dead body. It started a long time ago, before you and I were even out of diapers, you know this." Everyone knew what went down, it was no secret, they were smart people and put the pieces together. Voight and Olinsky had been skating on thin ice for a long, long time, Al always knew one day it would bite him on the ass, Voight knew it as well. It was all a matter of time. "It's not your fault."

"Sure it's not."

"It's not Adam, it's not. Voight played a game and he lost. Al did too."

"It's all so easy for you isn't it?" Adam waved his hand. "Moving on is easy for you. I wish I had your ability to turn off my feelings."

"I never turned them off."

"No?" He smiled a little ruefully. "Anyway, doesn't really matter does it? If it wasn't Al, it would be someone else. Woods is gone and up pops the next one, Kelton goes, who's next? It's never going to end. It's a never ending game of whack-a-mole. The sooner you accept that the better off it will be."

"That's very defeatist of you."

"Eventually you just can't get up when you get kicked anymore." Adam shook his head sadly, it wasn't just Al's death that was weighing on him, it was everything, his whole life lately felt like one relentless battle to get up after being kicked, he was done. "Even a dog will just lie there and accept their fate one day."

"So that's it, that's what you are doing? Accepting your fate."

"If it stops someone else dying, then yes."

"Oh how benevolent of you." Kim bit back at him sarcastically. "What about the people who care about you? Your Pops, Kevin, Hailey…" she was a bit stunned when she saw a strange look on his face. "..what is it?"

"Nothing."

"Bullshit Adam, this is all bullshit."

"Don't you see it? It's as clear as day…." He looked exasperated. "I'm not the guy she cares about."

"Then why is she with you."

"She's hiding."

"From what?"

"Fucked if I know."

"And you are okay with this?"

"As I said, it's what I deserve. Don't really care to be honest. Got bigger things to worry about…." He just left the rest of the sentence hang in the air between them. "…so you done? I've got a headache; I need an early night."

"It's midnight Adam."

"Goodnight Kim." He opened the door and leant on it until she got the hint. She wasn't done, but he was. She paused briefly and reached for his hand on his hip and squeezed it. For just a moment he looked like he was going to say something else. "Take care." he muttered. "Look after yourself."