A/N: A short little update…
Gone
Chapter 4: What's Going On
2120 Local
Roberts' Residence
Reston, VA
Harm sat in the far corner of the Roberts' living room, sipping a glass of bourbon. The lights of the room and the more festive lights of the tree didn't quite reach him, and he sat amongst shadows.
That was just fine with him.
Since he'd returned to JAG, the empty hole left by Mac's departure (Disappearance? Death?) had only grown larger. Deeper. He was drowning in it, but he dared not let that be known. He'd already been told multiple times by multiple people to let it go. Mac was gone. By her choice, by whichever way she had chosen to leave them.
Whichever way…Harm refused to believe his Ninja Girl had committed suicide. Even if everyone else believed otherwise…
They—the admiral, Bud, Sturgis…they all believed she'd left DC, visited her uncle, then gone somewhere and done…it. Killed herself. Committed suicide. But how could they explain never finding a body? How could they say she had ended it at all just because they'd never found her?
On that horrible day when Bud had told him she was gone, he'd gone straight to the admiral and demanded to know why he wasn't told about Mac from the first. AJ had pulled off his reading glasses, stood up, and come around the desk to lean against the front of it. His arms were folded over his chest, his head down, and Harm knew he'd never seen AJ so defeated.
"Son," he'd said. "I didn't think you'd come back if I told you."
Harm's jaw had dropped. He'd never expected to hear such honesty from the admiral about such a topic and he was rendered speechless. The two men eyed each other for a moment, then AJ sighed and sat in the duplicate of Harm's chair—the one Mac had always sat in.
"Harm, everything I told you to convince you to come back here was true. It was a mistake to not take you back after you'd brought her back to us. But…it's more than that. We, I, need you here. She left here thinking we didn't care about her; I know she did. What else would she think? I basically left her for dead. Everyone else was angry that I didn't let you back, and they took it out on her. Bud, Harriet…Sturgis…they all blamed her. They barely spoke to her…and I did nothing to make them see who was really to blame. Even me…I couldn't face her after what I'd done, and in the end, she did what she thought we wanted…left. Everything here is in shambles. Morale…it's nonexistent. I think you're the only one who can fix it, or at least make it better. Maybe that's putting too much on you…but…"
"Sir," Harm interrupted. "When did you all realize she…she…might have…" He couldn't say the word.
"When Bud and Harriet got their letter…she apologized to them for—for…you, and then came the information about AJ's trust fund. Putting every last bit of money into something like that isn't what people typically do if they're planning to stick around. Harriet was—is—devastated.
"At first I tried to tell myself she was just trying to make up for what she thought she'd done…but then her uncle got his letter. He was blindsided by it. She'd acted normally when she visited him…we tried to retrace her steps. She gave up her apartment, sold her car…the last time anybody saw her was at the car rental return in Kansas City. She hadn't refueled…got slapped with extra fees…she never paid that credit card bill."
"How do you know— "
"Webb."
Harm's first thought had been to go to Webb, but then Bud had mentioned Webb wasn't in any position to help…
"Sir, Bud mentioned that Webb wasn't doing so well…"
"It took him a long time to recover from his injuries. Even then, it was unlikely he'd be able to return to fieldwork—too much nerve damage. The story is he started drinking heavily…damn near died once or twice. His mother intervened…now Webb's, I don't know…"
"Last I heard he had a desk job at Langley."
The admiral snorted. "In name only at best…he tried to help with finding Mac…but I think the guilt over that whole situation got to him too."
"Sir…I still don't know what I can do about—" He waved his hand in the general direction of the bullpen.
"I don't know, son. But maybe if they have one of you back…"
Thinking back on that conversation, Harm mused that morale may have improved if the admiral's new chief of staff hadn't been so focused on Mac's whereabouts, but, not having the last five months to get used to the idea of her disappearance and 'likely' suicide, he couldn't drop it. The admiral, for the most part, indulged him until one evening a week ago when he'd found Harm working late—not on case, but on searches for Jane Does brought to hospital morgues. He wasn't really looking for her body, he'd just wanted confirmation that she wasn't lying unclaimed in a drawer somewhere. He'd come up empty and told the admiral as much, but the admiral had snapped at him, telling him he needed to leave that be and work on JAG business. Harm told him that he was perfectly capable of doing his work while searching for her on the side. The admiral lost it…
"Dammit, Rabb! She's dead. You know it and I know it. I brought you in to help this office get over that. Instead, you sit here wasting your time, giving everyone false hope! Give it up!"
"But, sir— "
"Stop this. That's an order! And I know about your visit to Leavenworth. You know Matthew O'Hara knows no more than we do. He has enough problems and he doesn't deserve to have you tormenting him about this. Do you understand?"
The admiral stood over Harm's desk and glared.
"Sir— "
"Do. You. Understand, Commander."
Harm realized then that he was still sitting down, had never stood or made a motion to when Admiral Chegwidden had come into the office. His CO hadn't seemed to notice either, but Harm thought he'd better at least do it now. He stood, coming to attention.
"Yes, sir," he said crisply.
Admiral Chegwidden sent another glare Harm's way, then nodded.
"Now, unless you have actual JAG business to conduct, I suggest you go home, Commander."
Harm had agreed, then watched the admiral turn on his heel and leave his office.
Harm thought Admiral Chegwidden protested too much.
And AJ Chegwidden couldn't control what Harm did outside the office.
And thus the search continued…
"You're thinking about her, aren't you, sir." Harriet sat down beside him, taking his nearly empty glass from him and handing him a glass of water as she got herself situated.
Harm's lip curved into a sad half-smile. "It's Harm here, Harriet." He looked down at the water in his hand. "And, yes, I am. Is it that obvious?"
Harriet shrugged. "No, but since I'm thinking about her, I figured you were too."
Next to Harm and AJ, Harriet probably felt the most guilt over the whole situation. He'd gone to find her after he'd met with the admiral his first day back, and she'd tearfully related how unfair and unforgiving she'd been to Mac, how absolutely rude she'd been. Harm had given her a hug, telling her he'd been worse, and together they grieved their friend.
"Comm—Harm…do you…do you really think she's out there, alive?"
Harm reached over and took Harriet's small hand in his, hesitating slightly before answering. "I do, Harriet," he said before he let her go. "Don't you?"
Harriet looked down at her lap. "I—I don't know, sir." He was about to call her on the 'sir', but then her head came up and her blue eyes met his. "But if you do, sir…Harm, then that's good enough for me. We'll keep looking."
Harm smiled, fully this time, though it was still colored with sadness. "Yes, we will, Harriet. Yes, we will."
2301 Local
Roberts' Residence
Reston, VA
Harm slipped on his coat, before opening the Roberts' front door, ready to head to Midnight Mass. Before he stepped out into the frigid darkness, he lifted his eyes to the little sprig of greenery above his head. The memory of another Christmas Eve, of soft lips that tasted like chocolate and cinnamon, rose unbidden and he swallowed the lump in his throat, blinking against the wetness in his eyes. With one last glance at the mistletoe, Harm headed into the night.
"Uh oh…"
His eyebrows rose in question as she continued to straighten her coat.
"Awkward moment Number 310…"
Two pairs of eyes glanced upward at the golden bells and sprig of mistletoe that hung above their heads.
And two sets of lips met, soft and sweet…
End Chapter 4