A/N: Hopefully all this makes sense…trying to post before I leave work. Thanks for all the reviews!
Gone
Chapter 10: Broken Glass
1111 Local
Whitefish, MT
Harm parked his rental at the end of Central Avenue, downtown Whitefish's main drag. The town was beautiful, with its mountain views and quaint shops, and he knew it would be healing for one who had been hurt as badly as Mac. He felt the familiar twinge of guilt at his part in Mac's pain, and he hoped she would forgive him as he headed toward Monarch Mercantile.
The store was about halfway down the street, and Harm slowed his pace as he approached it. He couldn't deny that he was nervous; it had been so long since he'd seen her and was just a bit terrified that she'd throw him out on his ass. He chuckled ruefully at the thought. She was more than capable of throwing him out, but he was going to keep trying until he wore her down or she killed him.
All too soon he was in front of the pretty little shop. He took several calming breaths…well, they weren't calming, really, given he was still as nervous as cat about to be baptized. As he looked in the window, he saw the shadow of a tall, willowy form, and he wondered if it was her.
Of course, it was her.
Harm finally pulled open the door and stepped inside, a little bell announcing his arrival as the door fell shut behind him. He took a few steps forward, then heard her warm, soft voice from another room.
"I'll be right with you," she called, cheerily, and he could feel some of the tension drain from his body.
She was really here.
"Take your time." Harm was surprised his voice was steady as he called back to her, wondering if she'd immediately recognize his voice. Harm held his breath, frozen in place, as he waited for the woman that had taken over his mind and heart to make her appearance.
Suddenly she was before him. He drank her in, from her soft chestnut tresses that were now past her shoulders, the feminine top that tastefully accented her every curve, and the long, flowing skirt that ended just above her ankles. His eyes gradually gravitated back to hers and he nearly lost himself in their chocolate depths. Every regret he'd ever had about their relationship rose up and he tramped them down; it was time for a new beginning. His lips curved into a sad smile.
"Hey, Mac."
The sound of shattering glass filled the room, and he jumped.
Sam looked down at her feet, which were now surrounded by shards of the broken bowl. In shock, she knelt down to pick up the larger pieces.
Suddenly, he was at her side, kneeling down as well and Sam's hands stilled their movements as she breathed in the familiar scent of him. Oh, god. Had he always smelled this…this good? She sat back on her heels and stared at him. He dropped the piece of china he was holding and stared back, and she had to fight the urge to run her fingers through his cowlick.
His fingers tentatively stretched out and brushed over her forehead and down her cheek, his thumb running across her bottom lip before he cupped her cheek in his hand. She pressed herself into his palm and closed her eyes, a tear slipping from underneath her lashes. He brushed it away with his thumb, and the familiar gesture caused a sob to escape her.
"It's really you," he said in apparent wonder, moving his hand to tangle his fingers in her hair. "Oh, Mac…"
He seemed to be searching for something in her face, his beautiful, stormy eyes roaming, until they finally focused on hers again. "Why?"
Why? The simple question with its not so simple answer suddenly made her furious. He wanted to know why after what he'd said to her? After she'd endured the scathing looks, the whispered comments behind her back, the barely civil words spoken to her at JAG? Why?!
She abruptly stood, causing him to fall backwards, barely catching himself with his hands.
"Why?! How can you…after…after…It's what you all wanted, wasn't it? I got it. Message received, Harm. Mac wasn't going to bother you all again!" Her eyes narrowed at him. "Why are you here? Wait…don't answer that. It doesn't matter; I don't want you here. Just…just go, Harm, and leave me alone!"
Harm sat there, a stunned expression on his face, as she loomed over him. She was seething with anger, her fists clenching at her sides as she now fought the urge to strike out at him. The desire to do so grew too strong, so she saved him and herself by whipping around and sprinting in the direction of the 'Employees Only' area. She made it to the door, but his voice stopped her from opening it.
"Sarah…"
Her hand paused on the doorknob and her back stiffened.
"Sarah, please turn around."
She didn't move.
"Mac, please..."
Her shoulders slumped as she listened to him beg and she finally did as he asked. He had managed to get off the floor and was now edging closer to her.
"Mac, I—why…why would you think we would want you to leave?"
She looked at him incredulously. "Why?! Let's see, Harm…you…you wouldn't answer my calls, and the last time I saw you, you reminded me of my dismal record with men and seemed more than relieved that you hadn't suffered the same fate. Then there was Bud and Harriet…let's just say they were one hundred percent on your side. And let's not forget Coates, Sturgis…they didn't say two words to me after Paraguay. And we most certainly can't forget the admiral! Clearly he didn't care if I returned; if he had, then maybe you wouldn't have thrown your away career for nothing!"
"It wasn't for nothing, Sarah."
"Wasn't it?"
"No, Mac…it was ev— "
"Why did you come here, Harm?" she interrupted, suddenly exhausted.
"To find you."
She shook her head. "I didn't want to be found."
Harm flinched at her words, his mouth opening and closing more than once as he sought how to answer them.
"Then I came to tell you I'm sorry." It wasn't the only reason, god knew, but it was the truth.
She blinked at him a few times, eyes wide with something like confusion, until her face hardened and her gaze turned into a glare. "Well, then. Thank you. Now, go. I just want you to leave. Forget you ever saw me. Forget you even knew me."
This wasn't going at all as he had hoped, but he forged ahead anyway. "Not until we talk."
Obvious sadness took over her form as those beautiful eyes he'd dreamt about for months filled with tears. She shook her head. "Harm, there's nothing to talk about." She reached behind her for the doorknob, then backed slowly through the door. It closed behind her with a soft thud.
Mary watched the exchange between Sam (Sarah?) and the man from her picture in silence. She was thankful that the shop currently didn't have any other customers in it, especially when she noticed the man's hand dripping blood onto her floor. She stepped closer, trying to avoid the broken glass around him. He looked lost and, though Mary's first concern was Sam, her heart went out to the tall, handsome man who must have cut himself on the remains of the antique bowl.
She lightly touched his arm and he jumped a little as he looked in her direction. "Harm, is it?" He nodded. "Come with me and I'll fix up your hand." She hoped he didn't need stitches. He looked confused as he glanced down at his hand, his eyes widening when he saw its condition.
"Oh…I'm sorry, I— "
"It's okay. Let's just go see if it needs stitches."
He allowed her to lead him behind the counter where she instructed him to wash his hand until she told him to stop. She pulled out a first aid kit and then closely inspected his palm. She was relieved to find that the cuts were superficial, so she prepared to dress his wounds herself.
"So," she said as she dried off his hand. "You're the one."
"The one?" This 'Harm' still looked a little shell-shocked.
"The one who broke her heart." She wasn't going to pull any punches; she figured she'd only get the whole story if she were direct.
Harm hung his head and Mary could have sworn she saw the start of tears in his eyes. "I think…I think we broke each other's."
Mary nodded. Fair enough. This man sure seemed sad and defeated.
At that moment the bell on the door jingled, so Mary quickly bandaged Harm's hand and cleaned up the counter after telling her patron she'd be right with her.
"Thanks, um, Ms— "
"Mary." She smiled at Harm, whom she felt was essentially a good man.
He nodded. "Thanks, Mary." He ran his good hand over his face. "It's taken so long to find her…I have to talk to her…"
Mary sincerely hoped she could convince Sam/Sarah to speak to him; she didn't think the woman she knew as Samantha O'Hara would be whole again if she didn't resolve things one way or another with Harm.
"Harm…take a break. Go across the street to Maggie's Café and get some lunch. I'll talk to her, see what I can do, alright?"
His blue-green eyes clouded with suspicion. "Why? Why would you do that for me, a total stranger?"
Mary smiled gently up at him. "I'm not doing it for you; I'm doing it for her."
Mac sat on the back step of the shop, shivering in the cool morning air. She rubbed her hands up and down her arms several times before she gave up on being warm, choosing instead to draw her legs up and tuck her arms in between her chest and thighs. She knew she looked miserably pathetic, but she couldn't find it in herself to care.
She'd been found. She was at a loss as to how he'd done it; she had been so careful…but now that he had…oh, god, what if he'd told everyone else?
Please, please don't let him have done that…
Why couldn't he have left her alone? She'd been doing better. Or was at least okay…or…
Who was she kidding…she missed him so much it sometimes hurt to breathe, but better that than be where she was before…always wondering how he really felt, longing for him only to be left broken hearted. Every time she'd thought she finally understood him, finally accepted that he loved her, he'd change his mind, leaving her behind to pick up the fragments of her shattered soul. It had happened again in Paraguay and as they both stood at that taxi stand, she decided to set them both free. Never. She wouldn't pine over him anymore, and he wouldn't have to feel any more guilt over rejecting her.
Unfortunately, she didn't hold up her end of the bargain, so to speak. She was still pining after him, but she thought she had finally been coming to terms with the fact that she would likely never see him again.
But now here he was…
The door behind her opened and she felt Mary's presence next to her. Sam shivered and was grateful when Mary dropped her coat around her shoulders before sitting down next to her.
"Is he gone?" Sam asked, rather afraid of either possible answer.
Mary nodded.
Sam looked down at her feet. "Okay," she said softly. "That's good."
"Is it?"
Sam's eyes snapped to Mary's. "Well, yes…it-it…well…" She buried her face in her palms. "I don't know…"
The two were silent for a moment, then Mary put her hand on her shoulder. "So…" she said. "Sarah, is it?"
Mac dropped her hands from her face and turned to Mary. "Yeah…Lt. Colonel Sarah MacKenzie, United States Marine Corps."
Mary's eyes widened and her eyebrows lifted in surprise. "Really? Well…I guess that explains how you took out that delinquent here last month."
The corner of Sam's mouth rose in a little smile. "Yeah…I guess I did learn a few tricks in the marines."
"I'd say. So…what should I call you? Sarah?"
Sam shrugged. "You can still call me Sam, I guess. That's who I am now."
"Okay," Mary agreed. "You aren't AWOL, are you?"
Mac shook her head with a chuckle. "No…I officially quit. Resigned my commission."
"I see."
"Mary…I'm sorry about…lying to you all this time." She wouldn't blame Mary if she wanted to fire her. She was surprised when her employer wrapped her arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer.
"Sam…I've always known there was much more to you than what you've told me. Don't worry about it."
Don't worry about it? "But— "
"But nothing. You're the best employee I've ever had. You've become a dear friend. Sweetheart…you are the daughter I never had."
Sam's tears began anew at the heartfelt statement from the older woman and it was a while before she could respond.
"Thank you, Mary. You've been so good to me. I never would have made it if I hadn't found you."
Mary gave her another squeeze. "You're welcome, sweetie." The two sat silently for a few minutes before Mary spoke again. "So…Sarah MacKenzie…it does suit you."
Mac shrugged. "I used to go by Mac." The name felt awkward and unfamiliar on her tongue after so long. "Back when I—I"
"When you were with him?"
"Uh huh…but like I told you…we were never really with each other. He didn't love me the way…the way I loved…love…him." Sam shivered and pulled her coat closer around her.
"Hmmmm…" was all Mary said. Sam waited for the older lady to say more, but Mary merely sat there, a contemplative look on her face.
"What?!" Sam finally asked.
Mary's eyes softened. "I think you may be mistaken about that."
Sam blinked at her a few times. "Every time I've thought that, it's blown up in my face. I'm not going to make the same mistake this time."
Mary nodded and there was understanding in her eyes. "How do you think he found you?"
Sam shook her head. "I don't know…I thought I was being so careful. I planned for weeks." She didn't realize it, but her lips were turning up into a tiny smile. "He once told me he always knew where I was."
"Looks like he was telling the truth."
"Yeah."
"So…where were you two stationed?"
"DC. JAG Headquarters." Her throat tightened on the words.
"JAG?"
"Judge Advocate General…we're military lawyers."
Mary's eyes widened. "Wow. I'm impressed."
Sam waved her hand in dismissal. "Don't be. It's just a job…" Sam knew she didn't mean that, even as the words left her mouth. It had always been more than a job. She'd loved it there. They'd been a family…
Until you went and screwed it up. Sam's eyes filled with tears.
Mary ran a motherly hand over Sam's back. "I still think you should talk to him. To give yourself closure at the very least."
Sam looked up toward the clouds. "Closure…I'm not sure that's possible with us."
"It's still worth a try."
Sam raised her eyes to the sky. "I suppose so…but you said he was gone."
"I sent him over to Maggie's, told him I'd see if I could convince you to talk to him." At that, Sam immediately leaned away from Mary, glaring at her as she put some distance between them.
"You did what?! Whose side are you on?" She stood up and took a few more steps away.
Mary stood up as well, ignoring the flames in Sam's gaze as she moved to stand beside her. Sam turned her back to her.
"Sam…Mac…it kills me to see you hurting day after day. Clearly moving half-way across the country hasn't helped— "
Mac whirled around. "Yes, it did! I didn't have to be around them anymore. I had at least some peace. But now he's ruined that. I'll never get closure because just when I think I'm free and can maybe breathe again, he's there and I fall for him again. If I talk to him, I won't get closure because it'll start all over again and I-I can't do it…I can't!" Mac's shoulders shook with her sobs and Mary took her in her arms.
Mary held onto Sam…Mac as she cried. It was over quickly, and soon only shuddering breaths were heard from the younger woman.
After a few more seconds, Mac drew back. "I s-still l-love him."
Mary knew that and gave her a sympathetic smile. "I know."
"I miss him."
"I know."
"But it hurts…"
"I know that too."
Mac dropped her gaze to her shoes for a moment then glanced back up. "You think I should talk to him."
"I do."
"He's at Maggie's?"
"He is."
"Okay."
Mac still didn't move. "Mary— "
"Go, Mac. He's waiting for you."
Mac took a deep breath. "Okay," she said again, and then she was gone.
End Chapter 10