A/N: It's a long one! And now I've reached the end of what I had already written. So, no more this weekend! I'll be updating Letters to Harm next, methinks…but my eyes are burning and my arms hurt so I suppose I should take a few days off. Thanks for reading…even if Mac was kinda salty the last chapter…

Gone

Chapter 12: Change of Heart

0135 Local

Mac's House

Whitefish, MT

She wouldn't stop screaming and he couldn't get to her.

He had been talking to that damn cat of hers when the sound of her scream filled the air.

Before he even realized it, he had jumped from the couch and gone running toward Mac's room. He knew the door was locked so he resorted to pounding on it, knowing full well that she was in no state to acknowledge him. Her cries continued to pierce the night, shattering the Montana quiet, while Harm futilely tried to get her to open the door. Nicodemus paced back and forth beside him, obviously just as worried about his mistress as Harm was.

Finally, in an act of desperation, he stepped back, dropping his shoulder and ramming it hard into the door. The door burst open, and the woman on the bed scrambled up to the headboard where she cowered, whimpering and sobbing.

Harm rushed to the bed and scooted over to her, taking hold of her wrists as he called her name. She fought him but he held on tight. Her clothing was soaked through with sweat, as were the sheets beneath her. "Mac, it's me. It's Harm. You're having nightmare. Wake up, please, honey." Harm wrapped his arms around her and started speaking in her ear. You're safe. I'm here. No one's going to hurt you. I've got you. Several minutes later, Mac raised her head. "Harm?"

"I'm here, honey." Mac sighed and laid her head back down on his shoulder, snuggling in closer much to his delight. But then she suddenly pushed away from him.

"No!" she cried, scrambling to get out of the bed. She stopped between the dresser and the wall, hugging herself while huddling in the small space.

"Mac?"

"I don't want— "She closed her eyes and shook her head.

"What? Tell me, Mac."

"I don't want you to—" She motioned vaguely toward the bed.

"Comfort you?"

Mac nodded and looked away. "I don't want you touching me."

I don't want you touching me.

Mac's words hung between them, and when Harm didn't say anything back, she chanced a look at him. He looked…stricken.

"Why—" He swallowed hard but still sounded choked when he spoke again. "Why not?"

Because it reminds me of how much I miss you, how much I love you. Because if I let you, you'll swallow me up…and I won't survive it when you chew me up and spit me out again. Because I want you to touch me way too much and I want nothing more than to be held by you.

"It…confuses me," she finally responded.

"How so?" His voice was soft and he spoke carefully, like he was afraid to scare her off.

Mac's eyes filled with tears and one tracked down her cheek. She saw his hand twitch and she wondered if he wanted to brush the tear aside as much as she wanted him to.

"Because…it-it makes me feel like I can trust you again, and I don't want to make that mistake— "

She looked up as Harm gasped. He'd remained stoic when she told him 'never', but she had seen something in his eyes before she'd turned away from him. Now, that same shattered look took over his entire countenance.

His voice was thick with tears that he hadn't yet shed. "Mac, I…you…you can trust me…"

"Harm…"

Harm got up from the bed, but to her relief he didn't approach her. He simply sat down again at the foot of it, watching her until she started to squirm.

"Mac, you can trust me," he said again.

"I-I don't want to. It hurts too much. Just when I think I've got you figured out and we're on the same page…you switch. I get close to you and…" She shrugged her shoulders.

Harm appeared to be thinking things over. "You know…I could say the same thing about you."

"You could." She couldn't argue with him on that point.

"You ran again." His tone was mildly accusing.

"I did." She couldn't deny that either.

"That hurt."

"I didn't do it to hurt you."

"Then why did you?"

"I wanted to stop hurting myself." She was surprised at how small her voice sounded.

"Everybody thinks you killed yourself, Mac." His voice had taken on an edge.

"I know."

Harm stood up abruptly. "How could you do that to them? To me?" Harm was getting more agitated, but by the look of it, his agitation couldn't compare to Mac's sudden fury.

"How could I?!" She stalked over to him and poked him in the chest. "I told you, Harm. No one wanted me around. You didn't want me around. The admiral l-left me t-to…" It pissed her off even more when the tears started to fall but she did her best to ignore them. She started to pace around the room.

"Harm, I know I was awful to you in Paraguay. I know I didn't thank you then. I tried to after, at your-your, well, I tried, but you didn't want to hear it. I can't really blame you…as for back in Paraguay…I know we had a mission to complete. I know you had a concussion after our crash so neither of us was functioning well and I know I should have stayed with you until you woke up, but I-I needed to do something. I had all this-this nervous energy…I hadn't slept in so long…because Clay…his s-screams…for hours…I just…I n-needed, and y-you never…I just wanted someone t-to t-tell m-me…to h-hold…"

She stopped her pacing and leaned against her dresser, crossing her arms over chest while she turned her face away from him.

"You wanted someone to hold you and tell you that it was going to be okay."

Mac bit her bottom lip and nodded. She was so pathetic.

"And I didn't do that."

Mac shook her head.

"I'm sorry."

Mac shrugged her shoulders. It hardly mattered at this point.

Harm sat back down on the bed. "Well, I'm here now." He held out his hand to her and, though she looked at it for quite some time, she refused to take it. His arm dropped to his side.

"Tell me again, Harm. Why are you here? Why couldn't you just let me be?"

"Because, Mac…I had to tell you…I'm sorry…and I lo— "

"Don't you dare say that. Not now." He couldn't do this to her, not after so many years and after all that had happened.

"But Mac, I— "

"No!"

"Why can't I say it?"

How dense could he be? "Because, Harm…you haven't seen me in over a year. We haven't had an actual, civil conversation in a lot longer than that. The last time I saw you, you were so—I mean, you hated me, I— "

"I never hated you, Mac. Never!" he interrupted desperately.

Mac gave a bitter chuckle. "Never…we've both said it now, and neither of us meant it." She ignored the surprise on Harm's face, the way his eyes widened and his jaw dropped.

"Maaac…"

"Look, Harm. I'm going to take a shower. I'll change the sheets first and you may as well stay in here—I won't be sleeping anymore tonight."

She stepped through the broken door, sighing as she surveyed the damage. Just one more thing to deal with…

Mac grabbed a fresh set of sheets out of the linen closet in the hall. When she returned to her bedroom, she found Harm had already stripped the bed and was now gathering up her sweat-soaked sheets.

"Just throw them in the corner. I'll take care of them tomorrow…or later today, I guess."

"That's okay. Where's your washer? I can throw them in while you make the bed." He was noticeably subdued.

She wanted to tell him again to just leave the sheets be, but letting him start the wash would at least get him away from her for a few minutes. "It's downstairs in the basement. The stairs are off the kitchen."

Harm nodded and brushed past her. Her bedroom was small, so his arm brushed hers as he passed. She barely managed to control her shiver at the electricity that shot between them.

Mac had been holding her breath and once Harm was gone, she let it out with a whoosh. She quickly made up the bed, surprised when she finished that Harm hadn't yet returned, but a sound from the kitchen solved that mystery. She heard the whistle of the teakettle, followed by the opening and closing of a few drawers. Mac stepped out of the bedroom just as Harm was coming down the hall with two steaming mugs of tea.

"Hey…" He sounded unsure. "I know you like Earl Grey best, but I thought chamomile would be better for this time of night." He held one of the mugs out to her. "A splash of milk and a teaspoon of sugar, right?"

Mac took the proffered mug. "Yeah…thanks. The bed's made up; it's all yours." She made to pass by him, but he caught her arm.

"Mac, could we just sit down for a bit and talk?"

"Harm—" Just go to bed, Harm.

"You weren't going to sleep anymore anyway, right?" He gave her a sad version of his flyboy grin.

Mac sighed. He wasn't going to quit and, she had to admit to herself, her most recent nightmare still teased her mind and she didn't really relish being alone with her thoughts. "Okay, Harm."

He motioned for her to go ahead of him and they made the short journey to her living room. Mac sat down on the couch and set her mug on the coffee table. Harm sat next to her; he was too close and his presence was overwhelming. She had to move.

Mac shifted in her seat with the intent to scoot over to the far end of the couch, but Harm caught her hand in his. "Mac— "

"Harm, please, don't…" She attempted to pull her hand from his and he tightened his hold on it; at her hard look, he at last released her.

"Sorry," he whispered as she moved away from him. She found she missed the warm roughness of his hand, which was reason enough to stay away.

"So…your dreams…they're about Paraguay, aren't they?" Mac nodded. The nightmares were for the most part; she didn't plan to tell him about the dreams she had about him. "Do you have them a lot?" he continued, turning his head toward her slightly as he peeked at her from under his lashes.

She was too tired to lie. "A fair amount- couple times a week, maybe?"

Harm's brow furrowed with concern. "Have you talked with anyone about them?"

Mac raised an eyebrow at him. And just who do you think I'd be able to talk to about this, Harm?

He gave her a sheepish half-smile. "Ah, right." He cast his gaze downward, clenching and unclenching his fists a few times before he spoke again. "You could talk to me."

Mac shook her head. "Harm, I don't think— "

"Mac, I'm about the only one you can talk to about it."

"Harm…it's fine. I'm fine. The nightmares aren't as vivid as they used to be." Just leave it alone!

"Well, if you ever change your mind…I'm here for you, Mac. Always."

Always? Mac mentally snorted. She seriously doubted that. There were sure to be conditions imposed on his declaration. "Thanks, Harm, but really, I'm fine." She picked up her mug and took a small sip of tea to occupy herself while Harm stared at her intently. "What?"

"I like you with longer hair. It suits you." Mac's eyes widened at the change in subject.

"Since I wouldn't have to put it up every day, I decided to make a change." Anything to not have to look in the mirror and be reminded of the marine she once was.

"I like it," he said again. His eyes were soft, and there was something in them that made her want to return to the safer topic of Paraguay. Paraguay, a safe topic? My, how things have changed, she thought to herself.

"Harm," she started, not sure exactly how she wanted to proceed. "I, ah, I really am sorry about how I acted in Paraguay. I don't really know why, I…some of it…it's a blur…" And it was a blur. It had bothered her that part of her mind had essentially shut down, leaving her with vague, dull images. Things started to short out for her as soon as she was chained to the torture table. Even Harm's sudden appearance was almost blanked out in her mind. She could picture him standing in the doorway, glaring down at her, see him unchaining her, and then…nothing. Just angry words. His eyes on her as she rested in a tub…had he called her beautiful? To be honest, she didn't feel like she had really awakened until Harm had left the admiral's office…after being told to go wrestle alligators or some such nonsense.

Mac acknowledged to herself again that she'd never really tried to work through Paraguay. She'd thrown herself into her work to distract herself from her coworkers' barely concealed contempt, then into her plans to disappear, leaving just her nightmares to work through Paraguay. Paraguay…Paraguay… her pulse started to race and suddenly it was hard to catch her breath.

"Mac?" Harm sounded worried. "Are you—Mac! It's okay! You're okay. I'm here." Strong arms went around her and she was pulled to a broad chest. She was hyperventilating and panicking, as much from the very thought of Paraguay as from the fact that her memories were so dim.

This time she let Harm hold her. Losing her mind was scary.

"Harm, I-I don't remember all of it. I remember Clay screaming, Sadik st-stabbing that awful belly, then killing those missionaries right in front of me, and then that table…but after that…it's just snippets, words. I know what we did…but…" She pulled back from him. "You were mad at me. Why?"

She felt like an idiot asking that. She remembered enough to know that she'd been no picnic to be around, he didn't want her to go in the first place, he couldn't possibly have gotten over his month in the brig yet, and there were things that still needed to be done.

Harm wouldn't look at her and she felt his body tense next to her. "Harm?"

He let out a prolonged sigh. "I was jealous."

That surprised her, though it shouldn't have. She had a dim recollection of a conversation with Harm about having a thing for Webb and then…he'd made that comment again about her dismal record with men. But Harm had had no reason to be jealous, right? "Why were you jealous?"

Harm cleared his throat more than once. Apparently, what he was about to say was difficult. "You kissed Webb."

I did what? Oh… "Harm…that kiss— "

"You kissed Webb after I'd thrown away my career for you, saved you from being tortured, saved your life! And you kissed goddamned Webb!" He let go of her and stood up to start pacing around the room.

Clearly Harm was still angry.

"Harm, that kiss didn't mean anything."

"Sure looked pretty passionate. And that crap about liking being his wife…"

Well, this conversation sure has taken a turn, she thought to herself.

"Harm, that's what you say when someone's dying—I really thought he was…and he and I went through a lot together. He protected me; I could have been tortured too."

"You almost were. Where was Webb then?"

"Half-dead if you recall! He would have died if he'd gone another round with them."

Harm snorted with derision. He stopped in front of her, hands on his hips. "So, you mean to tell me you only kissed him because you felt sorry for him?"

"I felt guilty, Harm. But believe me when I say there never was, nor would there ever have been, anything between me and Clayton Webb."

Harm rolled his eyes and Mac knew then that Harm wasn't sincere in his apologies. She felt a certain sense of déjà vu; despite her shoddy memory of the whole thing, she did recall their middle-of-the-night conversation about their relationship. It hadn't gone well, and it wasn't going well now.

"You know what, Harm? You claim you want to help me with this and you're sorry for what you said to me, but then you bring up Webb again and I feel like we're right back in that hotel room. I've never been so scared in my life as I was back there. Honestly, ever since I was chained to that table, my memory…hasn't been…what it should be regarding Paraguay. That's scary to me. Come on…I couldn't have been acting normally. And yet, I know you never once asked me what happened. Nope, you decided to be a jealous prick and treat me like a burden and a common whore! Mac stood then, now furious at this man who had upended the little life she had created for herself. "I'm done talking with you. I'm going to shower, and then I'm going to lie down on the couch for a while until it's time for work. Please…just go to bed, Harm. The bed's pretty comfortable; you'll get a few hours in before you have to drive back to Spokane. I'll say goodbye now; I'll be leaving early for work. I'm assuming you can find your way back to your car?"

"Mac— "

"Goodbye, Harm. All I ask is that you don't tell anyone about me. I know it's an awful thing to let them believe I died, but please, please keep my secret. This is the only way I can live with myself; it was really bad there at JAG and I just want to forget it and have everyone forget me, okay?"

Harm looked utterly dejected. "Mac, no one's ever going to forget you. If you only knew how much they miss you and how sorry they are…the admiral, he— "

"He was going to leave me for dead. Let him think he got his wish." There was bitterness in her words.

"Mac…he regrets so much of what happened. And Harriet— "

"I'm sure was happier than anyone to see me go. You weren't there Harm. I know that's my fault and I'm sorry. I wish you hadn't— "

"Hadn't saved you? You'd be dead now if I hadn't gone down there. Both you and Webb. But you wish I hadn't? Maaac!" Harm started pacing around the room again, clearly agitated.

"The cost was too much, Harm. I might have been gone, but you wouldn't have been out for all those months, your friends wouldn't have been without you, there wouldn't have been such disruption."

Harm whirled around. "Do you really believe that? Do you really think JAG would have just gone on, business as usual, if you had died? Do you think I could have gone on? My god, Mac! I love you! Yes, I said it. I love you. I would have died if you hadn't survived. My heart might still beat, but nothing would have mattered. Your friends would have been devastated. They— "

"They are not my friends. They're yours. They made that clear. I'm sure they would have been sad that I'd died, but they would have gone on. And you…you say you love me…but that love has conditions, doesn't it? I wasn't who you wanted me to be in Paraguay, so you turned cruel. Mean. I tried to apologize. I wanted to thank you for what you'd done for me. You wouldn't listen. I guess love only goes so far, huh?" Mac took a deep breath. She shouldn't say what she was about to, but she couldn't help herself. "You know what the kicker is? I'm looking at you now and I want to hate you, but I can't. I should hate you, I suppose, but I don't. I love you. I've tried to stop, so many times, but I can't, and I hate myself for it."

By this time, Mac had stopped by the fireplace. She ran her hand along the mantle, remembering that night months ago when her love for him had resulted in those terrible burns. She felt a twinge in her left hand, a reminder of both the physical and mental pain of it all. Harm had stopped moving and was now just watching her, a sheen of moisture in his eyes.

Mac begged herself to stop talking, but the words kept coming. "I think I started loving you the moment you first took my hand in the Rose Garden. I didn't want to, but I did. And then when we went flying…those poachers—when we spent the night in the cave and you held me in your arms—I pretended that it was real, that we were together—like a damned teenaged girl!

"In Russia, I wanted you, but I knew it wasn't a good time, with your father…I almost asked you to stay the night after that mission at the Sudanese Embassy. I really tried after that to ignore my feelings for you, especially when you started dating Jordan…but that night when I stayed over to protect you…it was so hard not to…not to…"

Harm had stepped closer to her. "Mac, that night…I wanted to…I almost…but Jordan…"

Mac didn't acknowledge him, just kept on with the steady stream of words that she wished would stop. "I almost told you when you left to fly, but what good would it have done? You were leaving…leaving me. After that I tried harder than I ever had to not love you and sometimes I wanted to hate you and then there was Mic…and Sydney—I thought that was my last chance…if you didn't feel what I felt I was going to stop. But…for god's sake, I got engaged to Mic and still I couldn't let you go.

"And then…Paraguay…no one wanted me around and you were gone anyway and you hated me so here I am and I still can't let you go and, I just…I just…why can't I hate you, Harm?!"

With that Mac burst into tears, wondering when the humiliation was going to end as she covered her face with her hands. She felt the heat of him before she felt him pull her into his arms. She fought him at first, but finally she collapsed against him. He felt so warm and smelled so good, so Harm, that she gave in. It took her a few minutes to realize he was crying too, which only made her cry harder.

Many minutes later, minutes Mac couldn't count despite the return of her time sense months ago, all that could be heard was the sound of their ragged breathing. Finally, he pulled back from her and wiped the rest of her tears away with his thumb.

"Mac," he whispered. "Every one of those times, I wanted to…would have…"

"Why is it so complicated for us, Harm?"

"I don't know, Mac. But, I-I want to change that."

Mac pulled out of his arms then. "Harm…I— "

"I know, Mac. I know you don't trust me anymore, but I want us to try— "

"Being friends again? I-I don't think I can handle more right now, no matter how I…how I feel." Please be okay with this, Harm. She watched his Adam's apple bob up and down as he swallowed hard. He didn't say anything for several beats, but finally, he nodded.

"Okay, Mac. That's—that's more than I could have hoped for."

Mac nodded but couldn't meet his eyes. She didn't want to say what she was going to, but she had to.

"Mac?"

"Um, Harm? I still think…I still…you need to—to leave tomorrow, um, today, I mean. I need a little space…this has been a lot to—to process…maybe we could talk on the phone for a while? Get to know each other again? Please?"

A shadow passed through Harm's eyes and Mac's heart started to pound. But, Mac, didn't you say his love always has conditions? her inner voice taunted her.

"Okay, Mac. That's—that's a good idea. I—I don't really like it, but—you're right. We need that. And I promise, I won't tell anyone about you. But can I at least fix your bedroom door for you first? It's the least I can do, since…"

"That's fine. Thank you, Harm. And thanks for understanding. I—I've missed you, so much, and I—" She started crying again and was pulled into his arms once more. She wrapped her arms around his waist and held on, and for the first time in over a year, she felt real peace.

1432 Local

Monarch Mercantile

Whitefish, MT

Mac looked at the clock although she didn't need to. Besides, the clock was slow; it claimed the time was 1429, when in fact was 1432. She made a mental note to fix it later as a customer stepped up to order some fancy coffee.

Once she'd completed that order, having enticed the customer into having an apple tart with it, she went about tidying some of the displays and shelves. It was fairly quiet in the shop today, which gave her plenty of time to think of a certain tall, handsome sailor.

After their emotional conversation and reconciliation early this morning, she had been exhausted. Ever the gentleman, he'd told her to go lie down in her own bed; even if she didn't sleep, she'd at least be more comfortable. She'd taken him up on that offer and actually managed another couple of hours of restful slumber. Later, she'd awakened to him in the kitchen making breakfast, Nicodemus sitting on a stool and staring at him as he moved from the stove to the counter and back.

"Does he have to stare like that?" Harm had asked. She'd just chuckled.

"He just finds you fascinating, Harm."

He'd rolled his eyes. "He's probably thinking of ways to kill me."

"That too," she'd said with a grin, then settled into the stool by Nicodemus, eager to taste food made by Harm's hand after being so long without it.

Once breakfast was finished, he told her he'd clean up then head to the hardware store and get the supplies needed to fix her bedroom door.

It was harder than she'd thought it would be to leave this morning and he didn't make it any easier; he looked just as sad as she surely did. Not for the first time since she'd gotten up that morning did she think about asking him to stay, but her mind overrode her heart, reminding her to take things slow.

She remembered their parting just six and half hours before…

"You'll call when you get in?" Mac asked as she pulled away from his embrace.

"Yeah." Harm patted his front pocket. "Got your number right here." She smiled, trying to ignore the tightness in her throat and the prickle of tears in her eyes.

"Good. Thanks. I-I'm going to miss you." And then the tears did spill over. Harm was quick to swipe them away with his thumb, and it's warm, familiar roughness nearly made her cry harder. She managed to rein things in, doing her best to ignore the moisture in his eyes.

Just tell him to stay, her heart admonished her, but her mind said no, so with one last embrace and kiss on the cheek, she left.

Mary caught her daydreaming in the local artist aisle. "Sam? You okay?"

"Huh?"

"Mac?"

Mac jumped. "Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Sorry…just thinking about…"

"Harm?"

Mac smiled sheepishly and nodded. "Is it obvious?"

Mary grinned back. "Well, it is to me…but I can't say I blame you…that man is…delicious…hot, handsome, beautiful…"

"Mary!" Mac laughed. "What about Dan?"

"He's the love of my life, but I'm not dead!" They both chuckled again, but then Mac grew pensive.

"Ma—Sam?"

Mac sighed. "I'm just wondering if I did the right thing…sending him away for now."

"Well, I know you're wanting to take things slowly…are you thinking of asking him to stay?" Mary sounded almost hopeful.

"Oh…he's long gone by now…"

"Are you sure?"

"Well, he was going to…and then…" Suddenly, Mac knew without a doubt that he was still at her little house, but he wouldn't be for long. "Mary…can I…I need to…"

Mary grinned. "Yes…go, Sam…Sarah…Mac. Go catch him!"

Mac threw her arms around her boss and friend. "Thank you!" And then she was gone.

0944 Local

Mac's House

Whitefish, MT

Harm flipped his phone closed. He wasn't able to get a flight out of Spokane until tomorrow morning, but he didn't want to press his luck and ask Mac if he could stay another night. The Holiday Inn Airport would have to do. He decided, however, to fix a few other things besides her bedroom door…sure, Mac had a landlord, but the man was elderly and his wife had been ill, so she hadn't wanted to bother him. She'd get to things eventually…

Sure, Mac…he thought to himself as he started to work on her leaky bathroom faucet. It was also leaking a bit under her kitchen sink, so he'd tackle that after this.

Harm reached over for a wrench, smiling again at the pink-handled tools he'd found in Mac's garage. His marine could be so girly…

Before he could pick up the tool, he felt a warm paw in his hand. Damn cat…

"What, Nic? I'm just fixing things for her. It's not like I'm sabotaging anything!" The cat blinked at him. "Seriously!" The cat's tongue flicked out and he licked his chops…he looked…hungry. "Don't try anything, Nic." He knew the cat was plotting…something.

The cat merely took his paw from Harm's hand and started to lick it.

Harm could have sworn the cat winked at him before the animal lifted his leg and started washing his nether regions. Harm rolled his eyes and went back to his task.

1441 Local

Mac's House

Whitefish, MT

Mac made it to her home in record time. She parked her car on the street rather than pulling it into her tiny garage as, to her great relief, Harm was blocking her path. He was up on a ladder, clearing out her gutters. She hurried up the walk.

Harm?" Harm startled a bit, so focused was he on his task. "What—"

Harm climbed down the ladder. "I couldn't get a flight out until tomorrow, so after I fixed your door, I decided I'd take care of a few things around here that I noticed. Don't worry—I have a hotel room in Spokane, so I'll be leaving as soon as I'm done with this." He pointed up toward the roof.

Mac wondered again if she was going to regret what she was about to say, but decided, to hell with it. "Harm—do you think you could change it? Stay for a while?"

Harm gazed at her intently. "Are you sure? I don't want you to feel like you have to, I—"

Mac smiled. "I'm sure, Harm. Stay. Please."

Harm grinned, and before long it became the full flyboy grin she remembered and loved.

"Okay, Mac."

End Chapter 12