A/N: Here is a purely housekeeping chapter…and I wonder how it got so long! Thanks for all the reviews!

Gone

Chapter 13: Take a Chance

October 2004

1335 Local

Monarch Mercantile

Whitefish, MT

"Excited?"

Mac looked up at her employer and gave her a sheepish grin. "Yeah…does it show?"

"Not at all, Sam." Mary winked at her, and Mac chuckled. "When does his plane come in?"

"Around two and then he'll have the drive from Spokane." Mac looked up at the clock. 1335. She didn't want to admit it, but the anticipation of Harm's arrival had put her time sense on the fritz.

Harm had been able to stay for a couple more days last month and they had had some good talks. For the most part, they'd kept things light, but on the night before he had to leave, she'd had another nightmare about Paraguay. She'd been hard to console so he finally just climbed into bed with her. She awoke in his arms in the early morning and tried to extricate herself without waking him.

No such luck…

Flashback

September 2004

"Mac?"

"Go back to sleep, Harm." She tried to slide out of bed, but he caught her arm and pulled her to him. She knew she should tell him to let her go but it was nice to be held against his bare chest. She'd liked it a few nights before too, but that was before they'd talked a few things over, and she'd been hesitant to trust him again. She still had her reservations, but they were in a much better place than they had been when he'd first showed up at the store.

So, she let him hold her.

"You okay, Mac?" His voice was low, roughened with sleep, and it sent a little thrill through her.

"Yeah." She could feel his heart thumping against her back, slow and firm.

"That was a pretty bad one." She knew he was referring to her nightmare.

"Average," she corrected. It really could have been worse.

"Maaac…"

"Seriously, Harm, it wasn't that bad."

His arm pulled her more firmly against him. "But…you wouldn't…I couldn't calm you down. What happens when it is worse?"

She definitely didn't want to discuss that—didn't want to tell him how she'd get up and turn on every light in the house, start a fire, tuck chairs under the doorknobs of the front and black doors and the door to the basement, and then curl up under a pile of blankets, Nicodemus on her lap. She merely shrugged when Harm called her name again.

"You should talk about it. We should talk about it."

"Harm…"

She felt him sigh against her back. He didn't say anything for several seconds and Mac felt her lids growing heavy again with fatigue; Harm was so warm and solid, and she was just so tired…

"Mac?" Startled, her eyes flew open.

"What?"

"You know what I'd do if I could do it all again?"

Mac shook her head.

"First, I would have taken you off that table and I would have held you—I know it would have only been for a few seconds, but I would have made sure you knew how relieved I was to find you.

"And then as soon as it was all over, I would have taken you back to that hotel room, sat you down, and told you exactly why I was there…why I gave up the navy. I would have told you that the the navy wouldn't have mattered a bit if I didn't have you. I would have told you once and for all that I gave it all up because I love you."

Mac felt the tears slide down her cheeks, but she kept silent as he continued to speak.

"You were right, Mac. I knew you weren't acting normally. You were so…prickly, angry…did you know you told me you were stabbed by that poacher, not shot? I should have stopped you right there…but what did I do…I sniped right back. I'm so sorry. Back at the hotel I should have asked… made you tell me what happened."

Mac sniffled and she felt his arms tighten around her again. She covered his arms with her own and squeezed his hands.

"So, Mac…I screwed up the first time…but I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere. Tell me what happened, sweetheart. Tell me everything. And I promise you…you're safe. Everything's going to be okay…"

At that, Mac flipped over and buried her face in Harm's bare chest. He held her as she cried, and when the tears slowed and she could speak again, she told him everything that had happened from the moment she left his apartment in that pregnancy suit until he burst through the door of that shack. She told him about listening to Clay's screams for hours, how fuzzy everything was after that and how sometimes the suppressed memories showed up in her dreams.

She told him how she knew she didn't mean her 'never' to him as soon as it was out of her mouth but she just wanted to stop their dizzying dance and at the time it seemed like the one thing she could control in that whole situation.

Harm held her close that whole time, softly repeating to her that he was there and that he was sorry. She told him how sorry she was that she didn't defend him more to the admiral and she hadn't realized she'd never thanked him until he was walking out the bullpen doors.

One thing she would not tell him was what had happened to her at JAG after he had gone. He already knew she hadn't been treated well, and she told him there was no point telling him the specifics. That time was over, and she'd built herself a quiet life here and, though she missed being a marine and a lawyer, she was happy here. The only thing that had really troubled her on a day to day basis was missing Harm so fiercely.

Harm had tried to push her a little more on the subject, but she'd snapped at him and started to pull away. She also found herself in tears, begging him to stop asking. He gave in and just held her again until she'd gone back to sleep.

Later that day they'd had to say goodbye to each other, and it was even harder than she'd thought it would be…

Flashback

September 2004

"You'll call when you get in?" she asked tearfully.

Harm swallowed hard. "Yeah, I will. I'm going to miss you, Mac…it's been really…uh, hard…" The words caught in his throat.

Mac pulled him close to her in an embrace. "I'm sorry, Harm. I just didn't…I couldn't…" She choked up too.

"It's okay, Mac." He leaned away from her and cupped her face in his hands. "I'm going to do everything I can to earn your trust again, I promise. And I want you to call me, day or night, if you need anything…or if you have a bad dream. Call me no matter what time, okay?"

Mac nodded. "I will." She bit her lip, then looked up at him imploringly. "Harm…you won't…please...don't say anything about me. Please." She saw a shadow fall over his face, and she started to pull away. Harm caught her.

"Mac…I promise I won't say anything. Not unless you tell me it's okay. I promise."

She studied him for long seconds, then finally nodded, satisfied that he was telling the truth. "Thank you, Harm."

He nodded, and she could see a sheen of tears in his eyes. "I have to go, Mac."

"I know." She looked down at her toes, then back up again. "Did you need any snacks for the road?" she asked inanely. Anything to delay him just a minute longer.

"No, I'm good. Mac, I—" He swiped a thumb under her eye, brushing away an errant tear. "I'd better go…otherwise I might not be able to…"

Mac could only nod as he pulled her in for a final embrace. She heard his whispered 'I love you, Mac,' and then he was gone.

1430 Local

Monarch Mercantile

Whitefish, MT

Mac looked up at the clock once again, noting with disappointment that only five minutes had passed since she'd last checked. Her time sense had totally shorted out in the last half hour, much to her chagrin, and it rather annoyed her that she was getting so giddy about Harm's visit.

With the exception of a few days that Harm was out of the country and one other time, they had spoken every evening. Initially the phone calls had been no more than ten minutes or so, but as the days passed, the calls had stretched to lasting over an hour. They talked about anything and everything for the most part—about her family, his family, their first case together…they even touched on her engagement to Mic Brumby, what had happened in Sydney on the ferry, and the situation with Loren Singer and Harm's arrest. Mac had apologized profusely for not bucking the admiral's order to stay away from Harm. It was hard, but she'd even admitted that much of the reason for not finding a way to visit him in the brig was because she'd been so hurt and angry with him for not letting her in on his investigation into Singer's pregnancy. She'd been humiliated when Agent Gibbs from NCIS had blindsided her with the knowledge of Harm's 'involvement' with Singer and couldn't understand why he couldn't confide in her his suspicions regarding the paternity of Singer's baby. She'd cried and tried to hang up, convinced he wouldn't want to talk to her anymore, but he'd stopped her.

The truth was that Harm fiercely regretted his behavior, not only because it had resulted in his arrest, but because he knew he'd hurt Mac. He'd suspected that Mac's departure with Webb had at least been partly related to the Singer situation, and he'd told her he'd never forgive himself for that. After several minutes of back and forth, of each of them blaming themselves, each of them giving the other sincere apologies, they finally agreed to put that matter to rest.

Mac still refused to discuss life at JAG after Harm's departure; she actually did hang up on him the one time he'd tried pushing her again about it, then refused to answer when he called again the next night. She'd had a horrible nightmare after that, but she refused to allow herself to call him. Harm, however, seemed to sense her distress and, though it was only three in the morning for him, he called. This time, she picked up…

Flashback

September 2004

"H-hello?" Mac answered the phone tentatively, her heart still pounding from one of her more intense nightmares. She tried to hide the fact that she'd been crying as she stroked Nicodemus' soft fur.

"Hey, Mac…it's me…are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just—no, no I'm not, Harm." Nic's ears perked up at the sound of his chief rival's name.

"Nightmare?" he asked sympathetically.

"Uh huh."

"Paraguay?"

"No…I dreamt that I never saw you again."

"Oh, Mac…"

"Harm…I'm sorry about the other night…It's just…I don't…"

"I know, Mac. I'm sorry…I'll stop pushing. Are we—are we okay?"

"Yeah…we're okay, Harm. I—I miss you…"

"I miss you too, Mac." She heard him take in a deep breath. "Um—what would you say to me heading out there next month? I think I can get a week off—"

"Yes."

"I mean, I don't have to stay that long…I could just come out for a long weekend…or even just the weekend—"

Mac interrupted him. "Harm—it's fine. Come, please. Stay as long as you want."

"You sure?"

Mac rolled her eyes in amusement. "Yes, Harm. I am. Please come and visit me for a whole week next month. Please."

Harm chuckled. "Okay, Mac. I'll put it for leave tomorrow, first thing."

"Wonderful, Harm. Now…you need to go back to sleep. You have to get up soon."

Harm chuckled again. "I do, don't I. Okay then…goodbye, Mac."

"Goodnight, Harm."

"Goodnight…Mac?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you." He hung up before she could answer, so Mac found herself talking to the air.

"I love you too, Harm."

Nicodemus stood up from his position on her lap and stretched. He moved closer and lifted his front paws to her shoulders and touched his face to hers.

"What is it, Nic?"

He let out a soft 'meow.'

"Nic…you're going to love him too. I promise."

The cat was obviously skeptical as he pulled away from her, but he snuggled close anyway, and they both fell back to sleep.

Mac forced herself to return to tidying up the store's Halloween displays. Keeping busy would help the time pass faster, she tried to tell herself. She figured Harm had probably just picked up his rental car so it would be at least another four and half hours before he'd get in. Not for the first time she wished flights into Kalispell were more frequent and more economical. Ah, well…

"Hey, what's a guy gotta do to get a cup of coffee around here?"

Wait, what? Mac whipped around.

"Harm!" Without much thought, she threw herself into his arms. He hugged her tightly to him, nearly lifting her off the ground, and she couldn't help laughing with joy. When he finally released her, he surprised her by leaning down and brushing his lips across hers.

"Miss me?" he asked, giving her his full flyboy grin.

Mac nodded. "How did you get here so soon?" She wrapped one arm around his waist and steered him toward the coffee counter.

"I got an earlier flight to Kalispell. I tell you, twenty-five minutes versus four hours…totally worth the extra cash."

Mac gave him another squeeze. "Did you even realize how far Spokane was from Whitefish when you made your first flight here?"

Harm's grin turned sheepish. "Not really…I thought it was only a couple of hours…"

"Ah…" Mac smiled up at him, but to her chagrin, her eyes filled with tears. Harm was instantly concerned.

"Mac, honey…what is it? What'd I do wrong?" He took her face in his hands and brushed her tears away with his thumbs. "Mac?"

"No, Harm…you didn't do anything wrong. I'm j-just h-happy." She wrapped both of her arms around him again, sniffling and then giggling at the absurdity of her tears.

Harm didn't seem to mind. "I missed you too, Ninja Girl." She felt his kiss to the crown of her head and then his cheek pressed against her hair. It was so good to have him back.

1925 Local

Mac's House

Whitefish, MT

"That was delicious, Mac." Harm leaned back from Mac's little dining room table with a satisfied grin. Mac grinned back, happy he'd appreciated the vegetarian chili and cinnamon roll she'd made for him. At first he'd been skeptical about combining those particular foods, but as soon as he'd eaten the top of the roll and dunked the bottom half in the chili like she'd taught him to do, he'd become a believer. Mac was particularly proud of her cinnamon rolls; they were made completely from scratch and she'd yet to make a bad batch of them.

"Thanks, Harm. I suppose you never expected me to survive without a microwave, huh?" She smiled good-naturedly at him when he'd nodded.

"Hmmmm, no TV, no microwave…nary a boxed meal in the cupboards…I'm proud of you, Mac."

Mac blushed. "I wanted things to be different here."

Understanding flitted through his eyes as he reached across the table to rest his hand on hers. "You love it here, don't you." It was more of a statement than a question.

Mac nodded but kept her eyes focused on their joined hands. "It's quiet. I needed that." She pulled her hand out from under his and stood up to start clearing the table, all the while feeling Harm's eyes boring into her back. He finally stood up as well and started carrying dishes back with her.

Mac felt herself growing increasingly apprehensive. Discussing why she'd moved here to this particular town was perilously close to why she'd moved in the first place, and she didn't want to clarify why, exactly, she'd needed the quiet. She didn't want to tell him she'd needed the peace and beauty of these Montana mountains to quiet the voices that still spoke to her from Paraguay, the voices that taunted her from JAG, and most of all, his sneering voice as he'd all but kicked her out of his apartment the last time she'd been there.

Sure, they'd covered some of that during their telephone calls, but it was easier to do it that way, without having to look him in the eye.

"Mac—" She felt him step up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders.

Mac felt the all too familiar sting of tears and she blinked them away. She reached up and briefly squeezed one of his hands, then slipped out from underneath them. "Excuse me for minute, please?" She didn't wait for his response before she headed for the kitchen door.

"Help yourself to another cinnamon roll," she called behind her, then disappeared into the bathroom.

2001 Local

Mac's House

Whitefish, MT

"He's staring at me again."

Harm stared back at the cat who'd taken up residence on the coffee table. Nicodemus sat directly in front of him, flicking his tail as he studied the man before him.

"He likes you, Harm," Mac said as she sat down next to him on the couch. Harm merely snorted and Mac giggled.

He couldn't resist wrapping an arm around her shoulders, giving them a squeeze as he settled further into the couch. "I've missed your laugh," he said, candidly. She laid her head on his shoulder for a moment in acknowledgement but didn't say anything. He looked down at her and their eyes met briefly, but it was long enough for Harm to see that guarded look in her eyes again. It pained him to see the distrust in those deep chocolate orbs.

"Mac, I—"

Mac didn't move away from him, but it was clear she was uncomfortable with the direction this conversation was going. The trouble was, Harm wasn't really sure himself where he was going with any of it. In an effort to calm her, Harm didn't say anything more for several minutes. He let his fingers idly dance along her upper arm until she completely relaxed before he spoke again.

"So…what movie are we gonna watch?" Mac still had her laptop, which she basically used as a glorified DVD player.

Mac relaxed even more at his casual question. "You can take your pick…we have drama, comedy…horror…"

Harm leaned forward and picked up a DVD from the stack. "Friday the 13th? That's not horror! Horror is…"

"What, Harm?"

"It's, uh, something like…like Steel Magnolias!" He said in triumph.

Mac gave a snort of laughter. "Well, you're in luck, Harm!" She dug through the piles until she found the tear-jerker. She held it out to him and he shuddered dramatically, causing her to giggle again.

Harm suspected he had the goofiest of grins on his face. He'd always loved to make her laugh, but in the last few years he hadn't been able to do that very much. Hearing her laughter tonight warmed him more than he'd thought it could. "Mac…go ahead and pick…but no chick flicks!"

Mac looked thoughtful. "Okay…Steel Magnolias it is." She grinned up at him.

"Maaac…"

"I thought you said that was a horror movie." She was the very picture of innocence.

Harm just raised an eyebrow at her. They stared each other down, and when it became clear Mac wouldn't break, he grabbed her and started tickling her.

Soon they were both weak and out of breath from their respective mirth and a Harm knew he'd hadn't had this much fun in years. He also knew he was completely, utterly smitten with the beautiful woman next to him. When they'd calmed and settled on the Alfred Hitchcock's Vertigo, Harm wrapped his arm around her shoulder and they both settled back comfortably and concentrated on the classic film.

2320 Local

Mac's House

Whitefish, Montana

"Mac, honey? Time to wake up." Harm jostled the sleeping beauty next to him. Mac had fallen asleep halfway through the movie and was now snuggled against his side, her head on his chest. He'd considered just sitting there with her until she woke up, but he'd been in this same position for almost two hours and his back was protesting.

"Mac?" he called to her again. He brushed his fingertips over her upper arm and she sighed, cuddling closer and Harm decided his screaming back could wait. With his other hand he started to stroke her hair, letting his fingers twine themselves in the softness of her long chestnut locks. He loved her hair long like this, loose and free; it fit with the softer, more feminine look she'd adopted here. He'd never forgotten she was a woman underneath the tough marine façade, but…

Wait…

A memory from that South American hell rolled through his mind…Mac in a bathtub filled with bubbles. The skin of her shoulders glowed, kissed by the warm droplets of water, and he remembered just staring down at her, feeling his body react. He remembered his words to her then…

I'd forgotten how beautiful you are…

Oh, god, had he? He remembered how close they'd been before Bud's accident. They'd spent more time together outside the office than ever before; one could even say they had been dating, even if they hadn't admitted it to themselves.

And then it had all fallen apart.

He had forgotten how beautiful she was, but even worse, he'd forgotten her. He stopped seeing her for who she was…that intoxicating combination of femininity and marine strength. He'd stopped seeing her vulnerability, stopped honoring her trust in him, and stopped acknowledging her insecurities forged out of a childhood and adolescence rife with emotional abuse, neglect, and abandonment. He should have known she'd need the words along with the grand gestures.

He should have remembered all of that, but he'd let her down. "I'm sorry, Sarah," he whispered. She stirred but didn't awaken, and he continued to run his fingers through her hair, letting the rhythmic movements relax him.

Well, they relaxed him until a furry paw reached down and pressed against his hand, stopping its movement.

Harm glanced toward the back of the couch, where Nicodemus now perched.

"Niiic…" he groaned exasperatedly. The cat's paw pressed against his hand more firmly.

"Nic…I promise. I love her. I'm not going to hurt her. Gimme a chance," he appealed to the feline, looking straight into the glittering eyes of Mac's cat. Long seconds passed, and finally, Nicodemus pulled his Paw away. Harm could have sworn the cat nodded at him before he tucked his paws underneath him and lay down. Harm chuckled to himself as he felt Mac stir again.

"Harm?" Mac's voice was more of a sigh and she looked up at him with half-closed eyes. Her sleepy smile caused his heart to flutter. "Movie over?" she asked softly, and he nodded.

"Yeah…about an hour ago."

Mac yawned. "Oh, you should've woken me." Harm noticed she hadn't made any effort to move away from him.

"Nah…you looked so peaceful…couldn't bring myself to do it."

She smiled softly again. "You make a good pillow."

"Thanks."

"What were you and Nic talking about?"

Harm glanced up at the cat, who was now watching him again.

"Oh, nothing much…but it seems we both have more than a passing affection for a certain dark-haired beauty."

Mac's eyes widened ever so slightly. "Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah." Mac's tongue darted darted out to moisten her bottom lip, and Harm moved his face closer to hers.

"Do I know her?" she asked with a slight hitch in her breathing.

Harm cupped her cheek with his hand, letting his thumb brush over the curve of it. His face was now mere inches from hers, and both of their breaths quickened and mingled with each other's.

"Oh, I think…" His lips brushed across hers. "You…" His lips brushed across hers again. "Do…."

And then he kissed her.

End Chapter 13