A/N: Well, I don't know what I just wrote, but I wrote something. I had planned to write, write, write, while on my cruise down the Rhine—but I had absolutely NO free time! When I wasn't on one of my truly lovely excursions, I was in class (there was a medical conference on board), and in the evenings, dinner lasted from 7 pm until nearly 10 pm! I was told that was a European thing (I was told this by, well, other Americans, so no offense to my European readers)—if it is, I will freely admit that it was too much for this gauche American. Plus, it took me a while to get over the jet lag. So…the point of this author's note is to say…no I did not get much writing done, and what I did get done only came in small snippets, so this chapter is likely disjointed and it isn't my best. Ah, well…

Gone

Chapter 14: Wide Open

2322 Local

Mac's House

Whitefish, MT

Harm was kissing her. His arms were wrapped tightly around her and he was kissing her. His lips, gentle at first, now moved hungrily over hers. After a moment of shock, she realized her lips were her lips were just as hungry. She eagerly devoured him, tasting the cinnamon sweetness from her rolls and that familiar hint of peppermint, and readily welcomed his tongue when it brushed across her lips, begging entrance.

The first touch of their tongues sent a jolt of desire through her, but it also set off alarm bells in her head.

She wasn't ready for this.

She wanted this so badly.

It was too soon…

Except it felt so good.

Abruptly, Mac pulled away. Harm followed her, but her hands pushing against his chest stopped him.

"Mac?" He was still breathing heavily, his eyes still clouded with passion.

"Harm, I…we can't…" She scooted back into the corner of her couch.

"Mac—" She cut him off.

"I'm not ready, I—" She scooted off the couch but before Harm could make a move Nicodemus was in his lap.

"Nic!" he cried, obviously exasperated. Mac took that opportunity to rush from the room toward her bedroom. She quickly shut the door behind her and leaned against it. Her heart still pounded and tears were in her eyes as she slid down to the floor, berating herself the entire way.

Coward.

Harm sat on the couch in shock. He knew Mac had been enjoying the kiss, but he could understand her feeling that it was too soon. So why did she run?

"Any ideas, Nic?" Harm asked the cat. The animal shook his head and Harm rolled his eyes. He must be losing it—the cat was just being a cat; he was not answering him.

Harm moved the cat off his lap, which earned him a feline glare. He stuck his tongue out at Mac's pet, and Nic turned and showed his backside to Harm before he settled down and started washing. "Well, Nic, I'd better go see if I can get her to talk to me." The cat paused in his self-ministrations to glance up at him but then went back to his task. Harm rolled his eyes again before he stood up and headed down the hall to Mac's room.

Mac still sat with her back against her bedroom door, cursing herself for her reaction to Harm's kiss. It had been, well, wonderful, but she truly wasn't ready to go there with him. Oh, there had been many times in the last nine years that she had been ready and willing to give herself to him—Russia, Sydney, her engagement party…and so many other times in between. Now, however, their baggage was so much heavier. They had both hurt each other deeply, and, though she had no doubt that she loved him, her heart still wasn't ready to trust.

And it wasn't just Harm…

Truthfully, Mac's faith in her own judgement had gradually been whittled away to nearly nothing over the years. She'd made so many mistakes, mistakes she never thought she'd make once she'd dried out and joined the marines. First, there was the ill-advised affair with her soon-to-be-former CO, John Farrow…she'd been able to call it a 'youthful indiscretion' and move on, vowing never to repeat that mistake. She was successful in that, but she eventually found herself in even worse situations. There was the debacle with her husband…what kind of idiot 'forgets' to divorce her felon of a husband? She'd gone to John then, not wanting to burden her best friend or her CO with her problems. Harm was obviously busy with Bobbie Latham, and Admiral Chegwidden had enough things going on as JAG.

Deep down, Mac knew she hadn't told Harm or AJ about Chris because she didn't want to sully their opinion of her. John already knew much of her sordid past; what did it matter if he knew more? He already knew the kind of woman she was…

Next came Mic. She'd run to him because she thought Harm had rejected her. She'd let the man manipulate her, pressure her into an engagement, even control her to some extent…and then he'd left anyway. It had been for the best, really, but the fallout had been spectacular. She'd opened herself up to Harm again, only to have her heart broken. She'd had to endure all the whispers behind her back after the wedding hadn't been rescheduled before she'd run off to the Guadalcanal, and then had nearly destroyed her friendship with Harm.

They'd managed to find their footing again over the ensuing months, and then, just as she felt they were about to take the next step in their relationship, last year had happened. Harm and Singer. A poorly planned mission to Paraguay accepted out of spite, and then the utter destruction of her relationship with Harm.

However, through all that, she at least felt secure in the knowledge that she still had friends at JAG. Bud, Harriet, even Sturgis…but she'd been wrong.

So, so wrong…

That was the final blow to her self-confidence. All those years when she thought she had equal support from them…they'd only been good to her because her best friend was also their best friend. She should have known that was the case, should have picked up on that a long time ago, but apparently she was naïve. She'd certainly let her guard down at JAG, and it had cost her.

She should have known better.

Mac had trusted her grandmother, but she'd died when Mac was only thirteen. She'd trusted her uncle, but now he was in prison. She'd trusted Harm, but he'd abandoned her more than once. Mac honestly wasn't sure she could trust herself to know who was trustable anymore.

But you do trust Mary…her inner voice admonished her.

No, Sam trusts Mary, she answered back, knowing full well her argument was ridiculous.

And it was ridiculous that she was just sitting there on her bedroom floor while Harm was thinking who knows what out in the living room. Mac decided she'd better go explain herself. She started to rise and then was startled by a soft knock on her door.

"Mac, honey?" came Harm's gentle voice. "I'm sorry about…well, I'm not sorry I kissed you, but I am sorry that I made you uncomfortable. It's okay that you aren't ready for more, Mac. I won't pressure you. I'm not going to lie to you, though. I do want more. I'm ready for more. I'm ready to let go, Mac. But I can wait for you. Right now, I'm just so glad to be here and I'm so grateful you're letting me be your friend."

He was silent for a moment, and she imagined he was standing with his forehead against her door. She heard something, she supposed it was his hand, slide down behind her, and then she heard his voice closer to her ear.

"Mac, I hope you can hear me. I love you. I always have. I know it's hard to trust me right now after everything, but you can, I promise. And you know I don't make a promise I don't intend to keep. I'm going to go to bed now. I'll see you in the morning, and Mac…I love you."

Mac listened to the sounds of Harm leaving her door to go to the small second bedroom she'd set up for him and then let the tears flow. She wanted to stay in here and hide. She wanted to run after him and give herself to him. She wanted to go back to before Harm left to fly when things were so much simpler. Or maybe she didn't really know what she wanted…

Mac buried her face in her hands and sobbed.

Harm lay down in the full-sized bed that took up the majority of the space in the little guest bedroom and prayed he hadn't ruined things with Mac. He should have controlled himself earlier, but she'd looked so beautiful in his arms, with her sleep-veiled eyes and mussed up hair. He'd been drawn to her lips like a magnet and had lost himself with his first taste of her. She'd been warm and pliant against him, tasting like chocolate and cinnamon, reminding him of their Christmas kiss under the mistletoe so many years ago. Only this time, their tongues tangled, their bodies meshed, and if she hadn't stopped him, they likely would have made love right there on the couch.

With Nicodemus watching…

Now that was an unwelcome thought. Harm shuddered and chuckled at the same time and rolled to his side, only to have his chuckle end in a yelp.

"Dammit, Nic!" The cat sat calmly on a little chair next to the bed, staring at him once again. "How the hell did you get in here?"

The cat merely blinked at Harm, his eyes glowing in the faint light of the clock. Harm stared back, finally rolling to his other side with a huff…and found himself looking over his shoulder.

"I really love her, Nic."

He turned his head back. "I really do," he whispered. "I hope she heard me, Nic."

Please let her have heard…

0331 Local

Mac's House

Whitefish, MT

Mac sat up in bed with a sigh. She'd been tossing and turning for the last couple of hours and finally decided she may as well get up and at least get a glass of water.

After she'd cried it out earlier, Mac had changed into her pajamas and crawled into bed. She fell asleep almost immediately, only to wake up a scant hour later, and since then she'd been ruminating about what had just happened with Harm.

Mac slid out of bed and slipped on her robe. The house was cool at night, and she shivered when her feet touched the hardwood floor. She quietly opened her door and padded down the hall, noticing Harm's bedroom door was open just before the man himself stepped in front of her. She was startled and she felt Harm grasp her arms to steady her.

"Whoa, Mac…sorry about that. You okay?"

Mac nodded dumbly as Harm's hands moved up her arms to rest on her shoulders. His eyes, midnight blue in the darkness of the hall, studied her, his gaze finally locking onto hers.

"Are we?" he asked, and Mac's heart sped up at the intensity in eyes. She started to nod, but then, to her great embarrassment, her eyes filled, the tears spilling out before she could stop them.

"Oh, Mac…I'm sorry. I did make you uncomfortable, didn't I? It won't happen again…" Mac only cried harder, now utterly mortified.

They stood there for a few moments, Mac still unable to control her tears.

"Oh, Mac, honey. I'm sorry. Please stop crying. Please. I'm sorry…I'll go if you want me to. I know I shouldn't have kissed you…I just couldn't help myself…you're so…and I…I'm sorry I kissed you."

Mac struggled for some control as she shook her head. "H-Harm…it—it isn't that…"

Harm had let go of her and stepped away; Mac immediately missed his warmth, but now she felt him near again. "Then what is it, sweetheart?" His thumb gently brushed away a tear.

"I—I'm scared."

Harm's eyes widened and he swallowed hard. "Of—of me?"

"No…of me."

Harm stared at Mac in consternation. "Mac, I…I don't understand…"

"Harm…I liked you kissing me…"

He waited a few seconds for her to continue. "But?"

"I…I don't trust…oh, Harm, can't we just forget about it?"

"Maaac…"

"No, Harm. Just go back to sleep." Mac turned to go back to her room, but Harm's voice stopped her.

"Mac? Do you want me to go?"

Mac whipped around. "No!" This time it was her grabbing onto him. "No," she said, a bit more calmly.

Harm gazed at her intently once again. "Mac? I think we should talk. Now." He was relieved when she finally nodded. "Go sit down in the living room, and I'll make some tea."

Harm watched Mac stir her tea, blowing on it every few seconds ostensibly to cool it. He knew she was really just stalling, and he could feel the anxiety coming off of her in waves. Finally, she set the cup down without even taking a sip.

"Harm, I—"

"Mac…" They both spoke at once and chuckled nervously together. Harm motioned for her to go first. He watched her as she swallowed hard a few times while she stared at her hands.

"Harm…" she began haltingly. "Did you…did you mean it?"

It took him a few moments to realize what she meant. So, she had heard…

"Yes, I did, Mac." He wanted to touch her, reassure her somehow, but he wasn't sure it would be welcome. She heaved a deep sigh.

"You know I feel the same—"

"Thank god," Harm blurted before he could stop himself.

"But…"

There was always a 'but'.

"But, I don't trust—"

"That's understandable, Mac," Harm interrupted. "After everything…I know it will be a while before you feel you can trust me again."

Mac bit her lip. "That's not what I meant, Harm. Not exactly. It's my judgement I don't trust."

"How do you mean?"

Mac drew her legs up and pushed herself into the corner of the couch. She looked impossibly small as she curled up into a ball with her knees to her chest and her arms wrapped around them. Harm wanted nothing more than to draw her into his lap and hold her, but he knew now wasn't the time.

"Harm, I've come to the conclusion that I'm not a good judge of people…"

What?

"And I make poor decisions."

Don't we all? "Mac, what are you getting at?"

"Harm…I saw what alcohol did to my father…and yet I drank anyway. I thought Chris loved me and would treat me better than my father. He said all the right words, and I believed him, but it was all a lie. I had the affair with John. I left JAG with Dalton. He said all the right words too…and I fell for it. I thought I had friends, family even, at JAG…but…" Mac looked away from him, and the tears that slid down her cheeks broke his heart.

Harm scooted over to her and pried her hands away from her legs. They were small and cold in his, and he gripped them tighter, hoping to transfer some of his warmth to her. "Mac, what happened at JAG?" he asked, gently. She shook her head, but she did let him pull her into his arms. He gave her a few minutes to calm, then asked about himself. "Mac, what is it you don't trust about me?"

He felt her sigh against him, and it took her so long to answer that he assumed she wouldn't.

"Harm, so many others have said the right words and I believed them…but you know how it all ended. I should have known better, but I didn't; clearly, I don't read people as well as I thought. So, when you say the right words…"

"You don't believe me?" That thought cut Harm deeply, and it cut deeply that she had clearly been berating herself for ever trusting him in the first place.

"Not quite…I do believe you…but I've been wrong so many times about so many things…I don't trust my belief."

Oh, Mac… It was so typical of her that instead of blaming his actions for her inability to trust him, she blamed herself.

"And if I'm wrong this time…I don't think I'll survive."

"Maaac…honey, I don't know what to say to that or what to say to convince you that I'm telling the truth. It kills me that you feel that way, and it kills me that I've helped make you feel that way. What can I do, Mac?"

"There's nothing you can do, Harm. This is all me."

"But—"

"Harm…"

Harm sighed. "I thought…if I gave you the words to go with the actions…"

"I know, Harm. I know. But—"

"The actions haven't always matched the words."

"Not lately…I mean, not a year and a half ago…two years ago. Not a few years ago…"

"When?" Harm had an idea…and it involved Mic Brumby. He felt her stiffen in his arms. "Mac?"

"Harm," Mac sounded tired, resigned. "There's no point in going back there."

But Harm needed to. He wanted to be able to explain himself, explain why it would never happen again that way. "I need to, Mac." She heaved another deep sigh.

"Okay."

A shudder went through Mac's body and he stroked her back in comfort. "When you're ready, Mac."

She gave a bitter chuckle. "If we wait for that, you'll be here for years."

He gave her a reassuring squeeze. "I wouldn't mind that." She rolled her eyes, but her small smile showed she wasn't actually irritated with him. "Okay, Mac…then you may as well get it over with."

Mac's smile turned rueful. "I suppose. Harm, you remember Sydney? The ferry?"

How could I forget? Harm swallowed hard. "Yes."

"You said no—"

"I said, 'not yet.'" He felt compelled to clarify.

"I know…but that was as good as saying no." Harm started to protest, but she put her finger on his lips to quiet him. "I know, Harm." He stared into her eyes for a moment, then nodded for her to continue.

"And then…I went to Mic…which was more than bad judgement. And you…you acted like a jealous boyfriend. But why? You didn't want me. If you did, you would have told me while Mic was on the other side of the world in Australia."

"Mac…"

"When Mic did show up, you were even worse…but you still didn't say anything. I was so confused. The night on the admiral's porch…you kissed me like…like you loved me. We said things that night…and you kissed me, then nothing. You told me to come to you…and then you turned me away—I know, Rene's father…you needed to stay with her and you wouldn't be you if you hadn't, but then…nothing…clearly…I'm reading you wrong…"

This time Harm wouldn't let her silence him. "No, Mac…you weren't reading me wrong. I'm the problem here. I've been a coward...I couldn't let go. But, Mac, the year and a half without you taught me something—I'm not afraid of letting go now…those months I spent searching for you…I vowed that if I ever found you…I would tell you I loved you, that I've always loved you, and that letting go is far less scary than a life without you would be."

Harm shifted around so he could look her directly in the eye. His hands came up to cup her face and his fingertips grazed the rims of her ears while his thumbs brushed a few errant tears away. "Trust me, Mac. Trust yourself. I'm not going anywhere. I love you. I love you. Please…" He held her gaze and silently pleaded with her to have faith in him, in them. He watched as her eyes went from fear and uncertainty to hope, and then finally…belief. Her entire countenance lit up and her smile, at first shaky, grew into a brilliant one of joy. He couldn't resist kissing her, first on the forehead, then her eyes, her cheeks, each kiss punctuated by an 'I love you'. Finally, he found her lips, and this time she didn't pull away. The kiss was loving and sweet at first, but when her tongue traced the entrance of his mouth, passion took over. He opened for her and their tongues teased each other at first, then tasted with abandon. Harm felt his arousal growing and when they broke apart for air, he saw Mac's flushed cheeks and darkened eyes it only fueled his arousal more.

"Oh, Mac…" he whispered, leaning in for another kiss, but then she abruptly slid of his lap.

It's too much, you idiot, he admonished himself, but then she held out her hand. He studied it for a moment and then slowly reached up to take it. She gently pulled on his arm and he stood, then she led him toward her bedroom. Harm's heart pounded, and as they reached the threshold, he held back. She looked at him questioningly, and he gave her a soft smile of reassurance.

"Mac, are you sure?" he asked, not wanting to push her into something she wasn't ready for. She smiled back and nodded, drawing the hand she held to the tie of her robe. Her answer was clear, but he had to know one more thing…

"Mac? Where's Nicodemus?"

Her laugh was musical. "Not in here."

He pulled the door shut behind them.

End Chapter 14