A/N: Finally Gone is back! Hope you enjoy.

Gone

Chapter 16: Silent Night

November 2004

0532 Local

Mac's House

Whitefish, MT

"Hey, Mac…what would you say to spending Christmas at my grandmother's farm, just the two of us?"

Harm ran his hands down her bare arms and threaded his long fingers through hers. They were in bed together, naked, Harm having flown out for the weekend. He'd arrived late yesterday, and they'd since spent the night in bed, making love and talking, reacquainting themselves with each other after a month apart.

The distance had been hard, but certainly not as hard as being without her, having no idea about her whereabouts. It was infinitely better than thinking she may have committed suicide.

It had also been difficult acting like nothing had changed in his life, that he was still trying to find Mac. She was still adamant about not telling anyone where she was and would completely shut down if he slipped up and mentioned her former colleagues. He'd learned to be extremely careful about that, and he couldn't deny that he harbored some resentment toward his colleagues for treating her so poorly that she'd felt the need to disappear. He supposed in a way that made it easier; if he maintained his resentment toward them, it was easier to avoid them and not accidentally spill his secret.

In his musing, he didn't notice right away that Mac had stiffened in his arms and wasn't answering him. Her breathing had also quickened, and he could see her pulse bounding in the hollow of her throat.

"Mac, baby…what's wrong? Honey, no one will know…no one has any reason to be in Pennsylvania."

"I just…I don't know if—if I c-can…it's s-so close. What if…what if…Harm…" She was nearly hyperventilating and the level of her anxiety threw him.

"Mac, Mac…" He shifted so he could envelope her entirely with his body, settling her between his legs before he wrapped his arms tightly around her torso. "Sweetheart, relax…it was just a suggestion. It was—" Harm was abruptly cut off by Mac's struggles to get out of his arms. Once she had her own arms free, she pounded and pushed on his, seemingly desperate to get away and he knew he had no choice but to let her go.

As soon as she was free, she scrambled off the bed and yanked open her bedroom door before disappearing down the hall. A few seconds later he heard the bathroom door slam, and he heaved a frustrated sigh…

…that ended in a pained whoosh as a heavy bundle of fur landed on his stomach.

"Jesus, Nic!" Harm groaned as the cat pressed down on his shoulders with his front paws. The animal had to be at least five pounds heavier than he was a month ago and he didn't seem to like Harm any more now than he did then. Harm tried to shove Nico-demon, as he'd come to think of Mac's cat, away, but the feline doubled down by pressing his head against Harm's forehead.

"What, Nic? I just asked if Mac wanted to come to Pennsylvania for Christmas. That's miles away from DC. She won't need to be anywhere near there. None of our friends have any reason to— "

Harm was interrupted by Nic's rough tongue on his nose. It felt weird and it made Harm sneeze, which in turn made Nicodemus hiss and jump away. The cat settled at the foot of the bed and began to wash. Clearly, he needed to get the stink of Harm off of himself.

Great, now I'm acting like Nic is more than just a pet too, he thought to himself. Harm childishly stuck his tongue out at the indignant grey tabby. He jumped a little when Nic abruptly lifted his head from his nether regions and glared at him.

"Jesus, Nic," Harm said again. "What's your problem?" The cat merely blinked at him, and Harm suddenly chortled in amusement. "I know what it is, Nic. You're just pissed that you don't have testicles anymore. Look at you…just licking that empty space. You're jealous because she had you neutered. Yup, you've got no balls, while I— "

"While you what, Harm?"

Harm startled at the sound of Mac's voice, blushing from his neck all the way to the top of his ears. "Uh, nothing, Mac…"

Mac stooped down to pet Nicodemus, who had jumped from the bed and was now making little mewling sounds as he wound himself around Mac's bare legs. She was now clad in a thin robe that ended about mid-thigh, and Harm could see the red-rimmed eyes that told him she'd been crying.

"Is Harm making fun of you, Nicky?" she asked her cat ever so sweetly, and Harm rolled his eyes. "You know, Nic…" Mac whispered conspiratorially. "I think he's just jealous because you get to sleep with me all the time."

At that Nicodemus started to purr, giving Harm a look that he would have to describe as 'smug'. Mac ran her hand over Nic one last time, then stood up and walked slowly back to the bed to sit down tentatively next to him. Harm wasn't sure if she would want him to touch her, so he stayed still and waited for her to speak.

"Harm…I'm sorry about before…"

"What happened, Mac?" he asked, now taking her hand in his. It felt cold and he fought the urge to rub it between his palms to warm it up.

Tears welled up in Mac's eyes and she swiped them away with her free hand. "I don't know. I guess I just panicked. It's just so close…"

"Mac…I really don't think anyone we know will be in Pennsylvania, at least not where we'd be going."

"I know," Mac sniffled.

"Then what's the problem?" he asked gently.

She took her time to answer him and he could tell she was working hard to stay calm. "Harm…I honestly don't know why I…reacted…that way." She blushed and he knew then she was embarrassed.

"It's okay, Mac." He tried to reassure her, but she shook her head.

"No…it isn't. Not really…I mean, Harm…what happened to me? I never used to be…this way. Panicking at the very thought of…of…"

Harm scooted closer and put his arm around her. "Them?" he finished for her, and she nodded.

"It's ridiculous that I…I can't even…I can't even ask if—if she had a boy or a girl."

It took Harm a moment to realize whom she was talking about, and then it hit him. Harriet. She would have been pregnant when Mac left. He pulled her closer to him while he tried to figure out what he should say to her to make things better. He didn't expect her to speak first.

"Harm? What was it?"

"What?"

"What did she…"

"Oh. Boy. They had a boy."

She gave him a watery smile at that. "Oh…good. That's what little…that's what he wanted. A little brother." She picked at the hem of her robe for a moment, then surprised him with her next question. "What did they name him?"

The thought of the little boy's name brought a smile to his face. "James. James Kirk Roberts."

Mac's forehead wrinkled up a little as she contemplated that name and then her eyes widened. "Wait, isn't that—"

"Yup. And Har—she didn't realize it before it was a done deal."

"Oh. Oh dear!"

"Yeah, oh dear…someone was in the doghouse for a while."

"I'll bet."

Mac actually chuckled briefly, and Harm smiled back at her, but then she grew serious again. "Harm?"

"Yeah, hon?"

"Is he—is he a good big brother?"

Harm's expression softened. "The best."

"Really?"

Harm nodded. "He's great with him, Mac."

"I knew he would be." She looked down at her lap for a moment. "Harm?"

"Yeah?"

"I-I miss him." With that she burst into tears.

Harm gathered her up into his lap and she buried her face in his chest. His own eyes stinging with unshed tears, he simply kissed her hair and held her. "I know, baby. I know."

Harm eventually maneuvered them so they were lying under the covers again and now she was dozing in his arms. She'd cried for several minutes and at times he'd cried with her, but gradually her tears slowed and then finally stopped. She'd fallen asleep after that, her head on his chest, but Harm didn't join her in slumber. Instead, he stroked her hair and thought about what had just happened. She still carried so much pain inside her slender body, and he wished there were something he could do to ease it for her. Deep down, he knew she'd never be rid of it unless she faced it head on, but he wouldn't push her. She'd only feel cornered, and when she felt cornered, she always lashed out. Their time together was all too brief as it was; he didn't want it to end in a fight.

As he lay there, he wondered when he would be able to see her again. If she refused to go to Pennsylvania over Christmas, he'd find a way to get to her here, but their time together would have to be shortened, and he was already dreading the fact that he had to leave her again tomorrow. He didn't want to lose any precious time with her. For what seemed to be the millionth time, he wished she would just let him tell everyone about her…they'd welcome her back with open arms, and he wouldn't have to hide anymore.

He'd been having the increasingly nagging thought that his relationship with Mac couldn't go anywhere if she didn't actually exist, and right now, for intents and purposes, she didn't. There was no Sarah MacKenzie anymore. There was just Samantha O'Hara, and that woman may as well have been living in an alternate universe, because her world and the world of Harmon Rabb, Jr could never be one and the same.

Fighting a wave of depression, Harm closed his eyes and did his best to forget everything outside of this room, because at least in here, Harm and Mac existed together. After several minutes, when it became obvious that Mac was sleeping soundly and he wasn't, Harm carefully extricated himself from her arms and set out to make them some breakfast. As he left the room, Nic brushed past him and leapt onto the bed, making himself comfortable at Mac's side as Harm watched him. Once he was settled, the cat stared back, unblinking, until Harm turned once again toward the kitchen. He could still feel the cat's unrelenting gaze as he walked down the hall.

Some forty-five minutes later, Mac emerged from her bedroom. She'd opted to wear one of his sweatshirts instead of her robe, and as usual, Harm thought her adorable. He flashed a small grin at her as he poured some orange juice for them, then motioned her toward the table.

"Go ahead and sit down, Mac. Great timing, by the way. Everything's almost ready. Harm turned back to the stove and dished up some of his especially fluffy scrambled eggs, but when he turned back around, Mac was still standing in the doorway.

"Mac? You okay?" He set the plates of food on the table and stepped over to her, taking her hands in his as he waited for her to answer. "Mac?"

Finally, she nodded, and he released the breath he didn't know he'd been holding. "Yeah…yeah, I am, Harm, and I-I'm sorry about…before, and—"

"Mac, you don't have to be sorry," he interrupted, giving her hands a squeeze.

"—and I…I really would like to come to the farm with you," she said at the same time, and Harm wondered if he'd heard her right.

"Um, what, Mac?" Mac's expression turned to one of apprehension.

"The farm…I'd like to come…that is, if the offer still stands…" Her words faded into uncertainty. Surely she didn't really think he'd rescind his invitation?

"Mac," he was quick to reassure, "Of course, it still stands." He let go of her hands then and pulled her into a fierce embrace. "I can't wait!" He couldn't resist lifting her off the ground and spinning her around before he gave her a hearty kiss. "I can't wait, Mac," he said again, more calmly this time. A few seconds later he sprang into action. "Hey, let's sit down and eat, and then we can book your tickets. I'm glad you finally got internet access, Mac. We can do it all online." With that, he hustled her to the breakfast table with a wide grin, a grin that stayed on his face for the rest of his too short visit.

Christmas 2004

2135 Local

Harrisburg International Ai

Harrisburg, PA

"Sam! Over here!"

Mac looked around the baggage claim area. The voice she'd heard calling for Sam sounded a lot like Harm's, but why would he—

"Sam!" And suddenly Harm was before her, lifting her off the ground in one of his fierce embraces. He gave her an enthusiastic kiss, then set her back down before picking up her bag.

"Sam?" she questioned, raising an eyebrow at him, and he shrugged.

"It's your 'official' name, and I thought, just in case…"

Mac nodded in understanding. He was right, of course. She was Samantha O'Hara now; it was only when she was alone with Harm that she was just Mac.

"How was your flight?" he asked as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and began ushering her to the exit.

"Uneventful, thank goodness."

"That's good. Say…did you want to grab a bite here in town before we head to the farm? It's about eighty miles from here and since it's pretty late already…

Mac was about to agree, but a feeling of dread settled over her and she suddenly felt terribly exposed. No matter how unlikely it was that they'd see somebody they both knew, the idea of it scared her even more than she'd expected. "Um, no…Harm, could we, uh, just get out of here, please?" She nervously scanned the crowd around her as if she expected the admiral himself to leap out at them. Harm's expression was one of concern when she glanced up at him. "Sorry," she whispered, embarrassed. "It's just—"

"I get it, Mac. Don't worry about it. You're right—let's just get on the road. We'll stop if we need to, okay?"

"Okay," she agreed, and the two continued on.

Christmas Day dawned cold but bright, the sunshine glinting off the dusting a fresh snow that had fallen the night before. Harm was sitting on the porch swing when Mac found him, and for a moment she just studied him. He looked sad and withdrawn, and she was about to sit next to him and ask him what was wrong when it hit her. Of course.

"Harm?" she asked softly, but it still startled him. He turned toward her, still looking forlorn, though he did smile and pat the seat next to him, motioning for her to sit with him. She did so, then took his hand in hers. "You missed the Wall this year. I'm sorry."

Harm wrinkled his forehead in what appeared to be mild confusion. "What? Oh…don't worry about that. I'll go next year."

"But still…"

"No, Mac, I'm really okay with that. I was actually just thinking of all the Christmases I spent here with my grandmother."

"Oh…" She leaned her head against his shoulder, and he pulled his hand from hers to wrap his arm around her.

"In a way, I feel like this is the first Christmas without her. Last year, I had her estate to take care of, I started at JAG again, and then I learned you were gone…there was just too much going on. This year, though…" His voice faded, and Mac glanced up at him, surprised to find him smiling down at her. "This year…I have so much more. I have you…and I think that just makes me wish my grandmother was still here so I could share all this—this happiness with her." His eyes went a little misty then, and Mac wrapped her arms around his waist and held on tight.

"I wish I could have met her, Harm," she said sincerely as she listened to his heart beat beneath her ear.

"So do I, Mac. You would have loved her, and I know she would have loved you too."

Mac lifted her head so she could look him in the eye. "Tell me about her?"

Harm kissed her forehead and she settled her head back on his chest, and he began to tell her everything about Sarah Elizabeth Rabb.

"Well, the world's smallest turkey is now stuffed and in the oven," Harm announced as he sat on the couch beside her. The bright winter sun filtered through the windows, but the room was also brightened by the fire in the fireplace and the lights on the tree. Harm had gotten here the day before Mac arrived and decorated everything for her, the first time in years he'd put forth any such effort, and he was rather proud of the results. Mac had seemed delighted by it at any rate.

Mac snuggled up to him and he held her close for a moment before he touched the gold pendant and chain around her neck. "You really like it?" he asked, and she immediately nodded.

"I love it, Harm. It's perfect." The pendant was an intricately fashioned rose on a simple chain and as soon as he saw it, he thought of her, even though at the time he didn't know where she was or even if she were alive. He'd bought it anyway and then hid it away next to his grandmother's engagement ring in his sock drawer. He'd honestly thought about bringing the ring too; it had always been meant for her, but he knew she wasn't ready for that. Besides, there was still the logistics of this relationship to consider, and he knew she was still nowhere near revealing herself to the world. So, he'd just given her the necklace, which was enough for now.

He actually did have something else for her, but he wasn't sure how it would be received. It was from her old life, but he knew she'd treasured it then. Now he just had to decide whether she'd treasured it now.

Mac must have sensed that he had something on his mind because she leaned away from him, an inquisitive glint in her amber eyes. "Harm? I can hear you thinking…what's up?"

Harm hesitated a moment, then decided to give her his other gift and let the chips fall where they may. "Um, Mac…I have something else for you…" Her eyes widened and he wondered if she thought he was talking about an engagement ring. Not this time, sweetheart, he thought, then got up and retrieved the rather large package from where it had been hidden on the landing of the stairs to the cellar. Mac sat up and perched herself on the edge of the couch as he placed it in front of her.

"What's this, Harm?" she asked, and he nodded toward it.

"Open it and see." Mac hesitated a moment, then started tearing the paper that covered it away. When she had it partly unwrapped, she sat back with a startled 'oh.' Her eyes filled with tears and folded her hands in her lap.

Harm's heart sank. He'd hope she'd be pleased to see it, but he'd clearly been wrong. "I'm sorry, Mac…I thought you'd like it. I know you can't exactly take it with you on the plane, but I—I thought maybe we could set it out here at the farm. It would look perfect by the door, just like when it was at your place…" Mac was crying into her hands now, and Harm sat down next to her, cursing his stupidity as he pulled her into his arms.

"Mac, honey, I'm sorry…I'm sorry…don't cry…I'll take it away…"

"N-No H-Harm…don't d-do that. It—it's just that I never thought I'd see it again." She pulled away and ran her hand over the letters of her old name that her uncle had carved into the little table. "I love it, Harm. And I would love it to be here at the farm. Thank you." She threw her arms around him and he felt much better about things, but she was still crying.

"You miss your uncle, don't you," he asked after a while, knowing the question was an obvious one. She nodded against him and sniffled loudly. "He's okay, you know. I've visited him a couple of times since—since you left."

"Y-you h-have?" she hiccupped, and he nodded.

"Yeah, I have…Mac, he is pretty broken up about you…"

"I know. I knew he would be," she answered regretfully.

"Why didn't you at least tell him about your plans?" Harm asked gently.

She shrugged. "I think I wanted him to have plausible deniability. Even though I didn't really expect anyone to ask him about me, I didn't want him to have to lie if somebody did."

Oh, Mac…"Mac, for the record, everyone asked him about you. The admiral chewed me a new six for asking him again and again about you …they-they do care, Mac." He watched as that shuttered look came over her eyes again, and he decided he'd better steer the conversation away from that topic.

"So, Mac…those potatoes aren't going to peel themselves. Wanna help?" Mac grimaced and he grinned, knowing full well she wouldn't enjoy food prep. She was a trooper, however, and the next thing he knew, they were side by side at the sink, peeling potatoes.

"I'd better get through security, Harm," Mac said a couple of days later as she prepared to fly back to Montana. The Harrisburg airport was fairly crowded, and she hadn't wanted to arrive at her gate any earlier than necessary. She just wanted to be able to fade into the masses.

"Yeah, you should…I'll miss you, Mac." Mac's eyes welled with tears and she threw her arms around him.

"Not as much as I'll miss you, Flyboy."

"Wanna bet?" he asked, and she lightly smacked his chest.

"Must everything be a competition with you?" She smiled as she said it, so he knew she wasn't actually irritated.

"You know me, sweetheart."

Her smile softened into one more loving. "Yeah, I do…Harm, thanks for this Christmas. I think it—it's the best one I've ever had."

"You're welcome, Mac." They stood there just staring at each other, and then suddenly they were kissing passionately. When the kiss finally broke, they were both a little breathless, both a little flushed.

"Well," Mac said after a moment. "I'd better go."

"Yeah…I love you, Mac."

"I love you too. See you next month?" she asked, biting her lip.

"I'll be there, sweetie. Call me when you get in, okay? No matter what time?"

"I will. Goodbye, Harm." The two embraced one last time, and then she turned to head toward the security check point. After a couple of steps, she turned back around.

"Harm?"

"Yeah, sweetheart?"

Mac took a deep breath. "I was thinking…the next time you…you see my uncle…can you…can you tell him I'm okay? That-that you found me?" She bit her lower lip again while she waited for his response.

"Are you sure, Mac?"

She hesitated a moment, then nodded. "Yeah…yeah, I'm sure. I know he'll keep my secret if you ask him to."

Harm nodded solemnly. "Okay, Mac…I'll tell him."

Mac threw her arms around him again in a brief embrace. "Thank you, Harm. I love you." And with that, she turned and disappeared into the crowd.

Harm stared in her direction long after she was gone from his sight. He was still floored at her request, and within the surprise, there was a tiny bit of hope. If she was ready to tell her uncle about her whereabouts, maybe, just maybe…she'd soon be ready to tell the people at JAG too.

He could only hope.

End Chapter 16