A/N: 20! Be kind to Mac. She's hurting. Once again, poor Mac. Poor Harm.

Gone

Chapter 20: Hole in My Heart

July 4th, 2005

2138 Local

Rabb Farm

Belleville, PA

Harm caught up with Mac before she'd reached the back porch. He grabbed her arm and turned her to face him; tears were coursing down her cheeks and he was breathing heavily.

"Mac, baby, let's talk about this. We don't have to get married…"

Mac ripped her arm from his grasp. "You don't get it. We should have thought this through before we let it get this far. You have a life in DC, and I will never, ever, go back there and I can't ask you to leave the Navy and your friends behind, because that's what it would take to be together!"

"Mac, honey…no, I don't want to give up the navy again, but can't we—"

"No! We can't! Talking about this isn't going to help. There's nothing to talk about. You have your life and I have mine, and they can never coexist. I should have known this wouldn't work…but I-I loved you too much. It was wrong and selfish of me to let you in like that. I have to let you go!"

Harm stared at her agape. He couldn't think of a response fast enough, and Mac went for the back door. "Mac!" he finally shouted when her foot hit the first step. "Just stop, Mac. You don't mean that!"

"Yes, I do, Harm! I will never go back there, no matter how much I love you. It would be too…too…I just can't!"

Harm's hurt was morphing into anger. She was being irrational. This wasn't the together marine he'd met so many years ago. Leaving like she had…well, that was a terrible thing to do to him, to everyone at JAG. And she'd never told him why she had, not really, and he decided then and there that that was going to change.

He reached out for her again and grabbed her by both upper arms. "But why can't you, Mac?" he nearly shouted at her.

"I told you," she shouted back. "I c-couldn't st-stay, not after…" She cut herself off and then stared down at the ground.

"That's not good enough, Mac. If you are going to stand there and break my heart, you could at least tell me what they did to you." He shook her a bit, then let her go to pace. She at least stayed where she was.

He made a couple of passes by her before he stopped in front of her again. "Tell me, dammit. Tell what horrible thing you think they did to you!"

Mac's features took on a stubborn cast and she crossed her arms over her chest as she shook her head.

Harm's anger only increased as he stared down at her. Finally, he threw up his hands. "You know what? I think you got your feelings hurt when they didn't throw you a big party when you got back. I think you were jealous when they didn't fawn all over you and instead felt bad that I'd lost my job! I think—"

"Stop it!" She suddenly shouted. "You don't know anything! You don't—"

"Because you've never told me! They admitted to me that they didn't treat you well—and you make it sound as if they took you to prom just to pour pig's blood on you! So, they weren't overly friendly. They would have gotten over it! But you had to run away like a spoiled brat who didn't get her way!"

He turned away from her then and took a few steps, trying to get his hurt-fueled anger under control. The fireworks continued to explode overhead but there by the house he couldn't see them; he could only hear them, and for all he knew the pops and crackles were the sound of his heart breaking. The current volley of fireworks went on for a couple of minutes and he knew the finale had been reached. Neither of them tried to speak, and when it was finally over, they were plunged into absolute silence. He knew she was still behind him; he could still feel her presence and he wondered why she hadn't taken the opportunity to run. A few more seconds went by and Harm was just about to start in on another bitter tirade when her voice, low and cold, reached his ears. It was almost frightening, and it was with reluctance that he slowly turned around.

"Is that what you think?"

Even in the dim light of the porch, Harm could tell Mac had gone absolutely white. He'd never seen her look that way, and he suddenly felt bile rise up in his throat. He swallowed hard and opened his mouth to answer her, but nothing came out.

"Is that what you think, Harm? That they were just unfriendly?"

"Mac, I—"

"Okay, Harm…I'll tell you what happened…"

"I want you t—"

"Well…let's see…you already know what went on in Paraguay. You know I still have nightmares…"

Harm gulped and nodded.

"Well, those nightmares are nothing compared to the nightmares I had when we first got back. I told you how I don't have totally clear memories after you showed up…I didn't tell you how I'm missing big chunks of time from my first couple of weeks back at JAG…I guess I blacked out a few times. The only absolutely clear things I remember were the admiral yelling at you, you leaving, and then the calls…the ones you didn't answer. Yes, I wanted to apologize to you, but I was also terrified. I couldn't talk to the admiral; he'd already written me off, I tried to talk to Clay, but he was in no condition to help me, so I called you…and you never answered.

"Obviously I couldn't talk to Bud and Harriet about all of that, so I just bottled it up inside and eventually the blackouts went away…but not the nightmares. I—"

"Mac, what about counseling?" Harm asked, though he knew that wouldn't have been Mac's first choice. She let out a harsh, bitter bark of laughter.

"You know, I actually thought about it…but who would I talk to? I wasn't actually CIA, so that was out, and everything was classified so private counseling was out—and I wasn't about to have that on my record at JAG so no Bethesda either. Finally, I just had to bury it and move on with my life…but it was so hard…my best friend was gone, and it was my fault. Even if I hadn't been able to remember that, your friends would have reminded me.

"There were mornings after particularly bad nights that I just wanted a kind word from someone. But you know, no one would talk to me. Coates was damned near insubordinate; Harriet could have written the book on being snide. And then… They. Wouldn't. Stop. Staring! And whispering. I'd walk into a room and everything would go silent…I started staying in my office all day. If I needed something from the law library, I'd wait until after hours. If I needed an older file, I would get it myself when I was sure no one would be in the file room. Harriet would ask people to go to lunch with her right in front of me, but she wouldn't even look at me, much less ask me too. Sturgis just ignored me…and Bud…well, what could he do? Harriet was his wife and you were his mentor. Harm, I had no one…no one! I knew it was my fault you were gone, but I couldn't understand why they were so mean to me. I'd been through something awful and they had to know that…and they just…just abandoned me. Like garbage. Like my mother did. Like my father did with his alcohol. Like Uncle Matt did when he went to prison.

"So, no, Harm…they weren't just 'unfriendly.' My own family was such a nightmare, but I thought I'd found a new family at JAG. I had a father, brother, and sister…and you. But I was nothing to them…it got so uncomfortable…somehow, they found out I'd never thanked you…that must have been the last straw…Harriet got more…vocal in her dislike of me. Harm…I couldn't be there anymore. I thought about asking for a transfer, but I was sure my reputation would have proceeded me.

"I honestly thought about suicide, Harm. If I didn't leave when I did…I think…I think, Harm, I know I would have.

"I can't ever go back there. I don't want to ever see them again. Ever. If that makes me a spoiled child, so be it. I don't care. I'd just gone through one of the darkest moments in my life, and they abandoned me."

Mac laughed bitterly once again. "They abandoned me…just like everyone else has in my life. No more, Harm. No more."

With that Mac turned on her heal and climbed the stairs to the back door. Harm heard the door open and shut before he moved to sit himself down on the porch swing and buried his face in his hands. There was a wetness on his cheeks, and he realized he'd been crying. So many emotions were rolling through him; guilt for telling Sturgis about Mac's lack of immediate gratitude, anger toward the team at JAG that had made Mac feel so unwelcome, anger toward himself for not calling her back and for treating her so deplorably the last time he saw her before she'd left.

Much of what Mac had revealed was what he already knew or suspected, but he'd had no idea she'd felt so abandoned. In retrospect, he should have realized on his own that she felt that way, and he felt another intense surge of anger toward his colleagues. How could they do that to her? To him? They'd chased away the woman he loved, and now he might lose her again.

Don't forget your role in it, Hammer, he admonished himself. Dammit, I know that, he answered himself. But why did they take everything out on her? Why didn't they see she was in pain?

You know the answer to that question.

Mac would have done her best to be stoic, ever the strong marine. Obviously, that came with a price; when she no longer had to be strong, when she'd found a safe place to land in Montana, she didn't have to hold it together anymore. Distance hadn't really allowed her to gain any perspective either; he couldn't really blame her for leaving…but the fear…the panic she felt at the idea of being discovered…it had grown into something bigger than both of them. Mac was terrified of being left again, and now she was leaving him.

Wait…what?

"Oh my god," Harm said aloud. "She's leaving!" Harm was out of the swing like a shot and slammed his way into the house. He hadn't been out there alone all that that long, but that didn't mean that Mac hadn't had time to pack up all her things already.

Harm made it to the living room just as Mac was opening the front door. She had her bag slung over her shoulder, her keys in her hand, and it was obviously she was trying to make her escape.

"Mac!" He shouted after her and she whipped around, her eyes haunted and full of regret. "You're just going to leave? Just like that?" His voice cracked as more tears formed in his eyes.

"I have to, Harm," she whispered broken-heartedly.

"No, you don't, Mac," he pleaded.

"Harm, under the circumstances, don't you think it would be better if I left now? We're just prolonging the inevitable," she replied, eyes dry but red-rimmed. "It'll just hurt more if I stay."

"Maaac, you're hurting me now by leaving. Please, Mac. I love you, and I know you love me. We can make this work. I know it."

Mac shook her head. "No, we can't, Harm. And you know the reason." Harm noticed that she'd at least shut the door. Now if he could just get her to set her bag down…

Harm took a careful step forward. "Mac, baby…I only know that I love you. If I could go back in time and change everything about Paraguay, I would, but I can't. If I could go back to Sydney or to whatever would have been the right time and say the right words, I would. You know that. Please. Don't walk out on us. We don't have to get married. We never have to get married if you don't want to."

Mac did start crying then. She also dropped her bag and took a step toward him herself. "Harm, I would love nothing more than to be your wife, but—"

"No buts, Mac. You love me, I love you, and—"

Mac was suddenly right in front of him. Her hands came up to cup his cheeks and she forced him to look her in the eye. "Stop it, Harm. You know as much as I do that this will never work. I don't think I'll ever be able to come this way again, not after what happened with Sturgis…I know that makes me weak and it's stupid…and I can't ask you to keep flying to Montana and you deserve someone who you can see more than once a month. I won't ask you to give up the Navy again, not for me…I don't deserve it…"

Harm shook his head, his face still cradled in her hands. "No, Mac…you deserve so much more than even that…you deserve more than what your parents gave you, what JAG gave you, and what I've given you. You deserve, well, you deserve everything."

Mac dropped her hands and stepped away from him. "No. No, I don't, Harm."

She was slipping away from him again. No matter what he said, no matter what he did, she was going to leave.

"Mac, please…" he begged.

"I'm sorry, Harm. You'll never know how much. I'll always love you, but you'll be better off without me." She took another step back.

"I'm miserable without you, Mac."

"I don't believe that. Goodbye, Harm."

"Mac, baby…it's late. Just…just stay the night. If you must leave, leave tomorrow. It's dark out…"

"I-I shouldn't…" She picked up her bag again, but suddenly he knew her resolve was weakening. He closed the distance between them and took the bag from her.

"Stay. Stay tonight. With me," he entreated, this time cupping her cheeks in his big hands, threading his fingers through her hair to pull her closer. "Just stay, baby." He kissed her forehead, then each eye and then her cheek, tasting the salt of her tears on his lips.

"N-No, H-Harm," she whispered, even as she leaned up and kissed the corner of his mouth.

"Just tonight…just one more night…" His brushed his lips over hers and drew back a little. "Just one more night…"

"I-I can't," she breathed, following his lips much like he did hers the night of her engagement party. They kissed fully them, their tongues entering each other's mouth to tangle as the kiss grew more passionate.

"Please, Mac…please…" he whispered once more.

"Okay…"

July 5th, 2005

0532 Local

Rabb Farm

Belleville, PA

The two of them had made love furiously throughout the night, each wanting to take some of the other with them. Harm had brought her to new heights of ecstasy with each bout of lovemaking, but it was so terribly sad too. She was leaving him.

Leaving Harm…

She didn't know if she could do it.

You have too.

It really wasn't fair to make him live like this.

Mac slipped out of his arms and out of his bed, trying desperately to maintain her composure. She searched the floor for her clothing from the night before, glancing over at Harm after she was once again fully dressed, noting with relief that he was still sleeping. She hated leaving him like this, but it needed to be done and it would be so much easier if she could just sneak out…

"So, you're just going to sneak out, just like that?" His voice was low and rough, but he didn't sound angry. He sounded just as devastated as she felt.

"I-I thought it would be easier…"

"Mac, honey, nothing will ever make this easier. C'mere." He sat up and held out his arms to her.

"I-I shouldn't, Harm…after what…what happened last night…"

Harm sighed. "Mac, I promise I'll let you go…I just want to hold you one last time."

One last time…The words cut her to the bone. Could she really do this?

Yes, because you have to.

Slowly, Mac approached the bed and sat down next to Harm. His long arms went about her and he pulled her tightly to his chest. "I love you, Mac. Always and forever."

"And I'll always love you, Harm."

"I-I'll call," he said, obviously near tears.

Mac shook her head against him. "No…don't…not…not right away…it would be too painful…"

Harm nodded and pushed her away from him slightly. "Okay, Mac…we'll do this your way…but if you ever, ever, need anything, call me, and I'll be there."

Mac couldn't stop herself from pressing her lips to his for a final kiss. "I know you will, Harm." It killed her to know she wouldn't be able to do the same for him. She pulled out of his arms and stood up to make her way to the door. She needed to leave, now, before she lost all resolve. She was almost out when she heard Harm call her name behind her.

"I love you," he said simply, giving her the saddest approximation of his flyboy grin. She gave him her own weak smile.

"I love you too."

And with that, she left. She half expected him to follow her again, and when he didn't, her heart completely shattered.

It's what you wanted, she told herself. Now, go. Let him go.

Mac slid into her car, resolving to hold back her tears until she made it back to Montana.

She only made it to the end of the driveway…and the tears continued to fall all the way to Harrisburg, through each flight and layover, until she finally found herself on Mary's doorstep, sobbing in the older woman's arms.

End Chapter 20