A/N: Here is 23. Housekeeping/filler chapter but needs to be here to get from point A to point B, I guess!

Gone

Chapter 23: Misty Blue

September 2005

1745 Local

USS Seahawk

Somewhere at sea

Harm stepped out onto the fantail, welcoming the burst of wind that rippled through his clothing. It was warm out here, but still, he shivered, though he knew it had more to do with a nagging feeling that Mac needed him.

He'd had a dream last night of her crying, scared, and while he didn't remember anything else about it, the image of her in tears stuck with him.

He wondered if he should just call her, but he worried that any call made from the ship could be monitored and would lead to her discovery. He hadn't emailed her for the same reason, and he wondered if he was being excessively paranoid. They'd be in port in a few weeks; he made up his mind to contact her then.

His assignment here on the Seahawk had been good for him; being away from headquarters gave him some peace and a much-needed break from everything. He'd gotten to fly a few times and the benefits of that to his psyche weren't insignificant. He did, however, miss Mac more and more each day to the point that it was painful. Excruciating, even.

With a sigh he leaned against the railings, reveling in the scent of the sea and jet fuel and did his best to let it calm him. He was marginally successful and several minutes later, he straightened, figuring he'd best go finish up a few reports for the admiral.

He'd kept in fairly good contact with his CO, beyond that which was actually required, and he acknowledged that part of the reason for that was that he needed to reassure himself that the admiral was keeping Mac's secret. To say that the older man was floored by Harm's revelation in July would be the understatement of all understatements, and he'd done his best to get more information from Harm. Harm, however, had no intention of divulging anything further…

Flashback…

"You found her? When? Where? Dammit, Harm! Why haven't you said anything?"

"She didn't want anyone else to know." AJ's eyes narrowed as he stared Harm down, but Harm didn't flinch. Eventually the admiral sighed and looked away.

"Is she…is she…okay?" his CO asked, looking anywhere but at Harm.

Harm wasn't willing to sugarcoat things. "She's…hurting, sir. She hasn't really gotten over Paraguay, and I think she's even more traumatized by the events afterwards."

AJ nodded. "So, what you said at the barbeque…that wasn't idle speculation."

"No, sir."

AJ started to pace about the office. "Surely she has to realize that we— "

Harm cut him off, his ire rising once again. "No, sir, she doesn't, but then why would she? From all accounts, everyone here treated her deplorably. You've all admitted to it to some extent, and after what she told me the last time— "

"You've seen her? Recently?"

Harm nodded, praying he wasn't giving too much away. "She came out to the farm over the fourth."

AJ stopped his pacing and glanced sharply at his chief of staff. Harm once again met his CO's piercing gaze without flinching, and he could see some sort of understanding dawn in the admiral's eyes.

"You're involved with her, aren't you!"

Admiral Chegwidden sounded rather disapproving, which in Harm's estimation was completely inappropriate.

"I don't see that that's any of your business, sir." The admiral continued to glare and finally Harm rolled his eyes. "Yes, sir, I am, although right now she doesn't think we can work."

"Why not?"

"Sir…"

AJ nodded in understanding. "Where is she, then?"

Harm shook his head. "You know I can't tell you that, Admiral," he said with a sigh. "I just couldn't let you go on thinking certain things."

"What about them?" AJ nodded at the door.

"Sir, she'd likely not forgive me for telling you. I won't betray her any further by telling them her whereabouts."

"Seems rather cruel to let them think she—"

"Frankly, sir, I don't give a damn about that." Harm ran his hand over his face. "Look, I know they regret everything, but I don't think you realize the extent of the damage they've done to her. I know I'm not innocent in this either, but we've talked it out. I know I didn't deserve it, but she forgave me."

"I'd like to talk to her…tell her…" the admiral responded, and Harm looked at him sadly.

"That's just not possible, sir."

"Why not?" his CO snapped, though Harm suspected that he knew the reason.

"Sir…

"Right. Fine, you have your orders. I'll take care of reassigning your cases—"

"Sir, there's not really any cases…you haven't—"

"Oh, of course, well then…dismissed," the admiral said gruffly, and Harm got to his feet.

"Aye, sir." With that, Harm turned on his heal and left the admiral's office.

Later that day, just before he left, Harm returned to Admiral Chegwidden's office holding a small Manila envelope. He gave it to his CO, who turned it over in his hands. "What's this, Commander?"

"Mac's address and phone number, along with the name she's using now. There's also a letter in there for her. I'm going to ask you not to open that envelope unless something happens to me and I don't make it back, and if you do need to contact her, please don't tell anyone about her unless she allows it." Harm gazed down at his CO expectantly, and after long moments, the older man nodded.

"Agreed, Commander." The admiral held out his hand and Harm shook it firmly.

"Dismissed."

"Aye, sir."

Now, back in the present, Harm gave a final glance to the sea beyond and then stepped back inside, deciding he'd go grab some chow before finishing his reports, only to be met by a young ensign.

"Commander Rabb?"

"What can I do for you, Ensign?"

"You have a call from Admiral Chegwidden, sir."

"I'll take it in the JAG office. Thank you, Ensign," Harm said calmly, though his insides had started to churn. This couldn't be good; of course, his mind immediately went to Mac.

He nearly sprinted back to his office.

Twenty minutes later, Harm was on his way to the officer's mess, both relieved and disappointed that the admiral's call was to tell him to expect to be out here at least another two months. Apparently, something big was on the horizon and Admiral Chegwidden, or more likely, the SecNav, wanted someone with Harm's unique 'expertise,' whatever that meant. He supposed he'd learn soon enough; his main concern now was Mac. He needed to find a way to let her know he was still out here, that he still wanted and needed her.

This is stupid. Just email her! Why would they care who Samantha O'Hara of Whitefish, MT is? Harm abruptly turned on his heel and nearly tripped over the knee knocker he'd just crossed over, now focused on going to his stateroom to finally send an email he should have sent long before. He quickened his pace and started to compose his email to her in his head. A scant few steps later, Harm was called to the bridge, his plans for that evening, the next week, nay, the next few months, utterly derailed.

And between the email he never got to write and the email she would never check for anyway, Mac wouldn't know that Harm would not be back at JAG for some time.

When she would finally gather her courage to call him to tell him about the baby, she would only think he was avoiding her.

That they were through.

She would be devastated.

August 2005

0630 Local

Mac's House

Whitefish, MT

Mac rolled over in bed, only to find herself frantically stumbling from underneath the covers and rushing to the bathroom to vomit. Once she finished, she sat back on the floor, thinking that morning sickness was a pretty cruel joke to play on women everywhere. Calling it morning sickness was pretty cruel as well as it implied that once the clock struck noon it would all go away. Not so. Mac was nauseated from sunup to sundown although in the last week, she seemed to only be throwing up in the morning, which was an improvement from last week.

Mac still hadn't seen a doctor, nor had she called Harm to tell him about the baby. She knew she had to do both, and soon, but she guessed wasn't quite ready for it all to be real.

The day after she'd taken the pregnancy test, Mac had gone back to work, answering Mary's inquiring look with a somber nod. Shortly thereafter, Mary's backroom refrigerator was suddenly stocked with ginger ale and saltine crackers graced the shelves of their little kitchenette. Mary's care for her frequently brought Mac to tears, and she thanked God daily that He'd put Mary in her path practically the instant she'd arrived in Montana. The older woman was exactly what she'd needed after leaving all the pain of JAG behind.

Feeling a little better but still queasy, Mac got off her bathroom floor after a few minutes, brushed her teeth, and took a quick shower. She grabbed a couple of crackers for herself, immediately regretting them when the taste of them combined with the mint from her toothpaste. She rode out the wave of nausea, fed Nic, who had been rather solicitous for a cat since she'd become pregnant, and then headed into the store. Mary was already there checking inventory and doing some general tidying as they prepared to open, while Mac went and started the coffee.

Coffee had proven to be a bit of a conundrum to her. She loved the smell of it, perhaps even more than she did before, but one sip, and she'd feel the urge to retch into the sink. She supposed that wasn't all bad, though; she knew she shouldn't have too much caffeine, and she already hated decaf coffee so there would be no substituting the real stuff for that.

Once she had the coffee going, she started unpacking the pastries that had been delivered earlier that morning, helping herself to a peach Danish which had of late become her favorite food. Mary had taken to ordering extra for her even though it was Mac that generally took care of the purchasing for the coffee area.

"Morning, honey," Mary greeted as she came behind the counter and poured herself some of the freshly made coffee. She poured a healthy amount of creamer into it along with a couple of spoonfuls of sugar. "How are you today?" she asked as she stirred her steaming beverage.

Mac shrugged. "Good enough." She grinned a little. "I promise I won't be throwing up any pastries in the aisles today."

"Good," Mary grinned, then grew serious. "So…have you called him?"

Mac looked down at her hands for a moment, then shook her head.

"No, I—I haven't. Not yet."

"Okay," was Mary's only comment, and then she went around the counter to make herself comfortable on one of the stools there. They still had about forty-five minutes until the store opened, and this was their time catch up with one another and discuss store business.

"That's it?" Mac asked softly. She hadn't expected Mary to just accept her answer.

"You'll tell him when you're ready."

Mac felt a lump form in her throat. "But what if I'm never ready?"

Mary was silent for a moment, then reached across the counter to cover Mac's hand with her own. "Then you'll tell him anyway."

Mac blinked back her tears and nodded, then went about her business.

September 2005

1802 Local

Monarch Mercantile

Whitefish, MT

Mac stepped into the backroom after locking the front door. Mary was going to finish closing tonight which, to Mac's chagrin, she'd been doing for the last few weeks given Mac was still 'enjoying' her first trimester exhaustion, and currently the older woman was doing some computer work. Mac gathered her things and tried to hide a yawn, but of course, Mary noticed.

"Going to bed early tonight, I hope?" she asked mildly, and Mac gave her a rueful smile.

"Tonight and every night."

Mary chuckled lightly. "I remember those days. I was okay with Jamie, but with Jeffrey, I think Dan carried me to bed at least five nights a week. I was working as a nurse then, and on the days I worked, those twelve hour shifts nearly did me in." Mary shifted in her seat in an apparent to see Mac more clearly. "Speaking of, you'll come to Jamie and Dan's birthday on Saturday, won't you?" Mary's husband and her older son shared a birthday, and both boys would be home for the weekend to celebrate. Despite Jamie being twenty-eight as of this weekend and Jeffrey twenty-six, Mary and Dan still referred to them as "the boys," much to Mac's amusement. Jamie lived and worked in Denver as an architect, while Jeffrey was in his second year of an orthopedic surgery residency in Seattle.

"Of course, I'll be there, Mary. It'll be good to see "the boys" again," she said with a smile. She hadn't seen them very often since she'd moved to Montana, but they were just as nice as their parents were.

Mary nodded in acknowledgement, then turned back to her work. Meanwhile, Mac stood nearby, unmoving. Her employer must have felt Mac's eyes on her, for once again, she turned toward the other woman. "Is everything alright, sweetie?"

Mac started to nod, then shrugged, biting her lip nervously for a moment.

"What is it, Mac?" Mary asked, the concern in her voice evident.

Mac took a deep breath. "Um, October…October first. I-I'll c-call him on October first."

Mary's expression relaxed into a soft smile. "That's good."

"He should, uh, he should be back in Washington then," Mac continued, clenching her fists nervously. Harm had told her he expected the TAD on the Seahawk to last until the end of September, so October first seemed appropriate.

"That sounds like plan, honey." Mary gazed at her expectantly, obviously realizing that Mac had a bit more to say.

"And…and I made an appointment to see a doctor…in Kalispell…it'll me more private then." Mac focused on her toes that moved back and forth along the hardwood floor beneath them. She was embarrassed it had taken this long for her to see someone to make sure the baby was okay. Suddenly, Mary was out of her chair and by her side, pulling her into a warm embrace.

"Wonderful, Mac. When is it?" Mary asked as she drew back. Mac told her, apologizing for not clearing her absence from work prior to making the appointment. Mary waved her concern aside as she pulled her in for another hug. "Would you like me to go with you, honey?" She spoke softly into Mac's ear, and Mac once again found herself choking back tears.

"W-Would you?" A blush tinged her cheeks with pink. "I mean…I know I'm a grown woman. In her late thirties, for goodness sake, but I—I'm nervous." Her last words were spoken in a small voice, and one of those annoying tears slipped down her cheek.

"Oh, Mac…of course I'll go with you." She pulled Mac close again in a motherly embrace. "I mean…this is my first grandchild."

With those words, Mac really started to cry. Mary truly was the mother she'd never had.

Later that night, as Mac lay curled up in bed with Nic snuggled close to her still flat belly, she had to acknowledge that she wasn't just nervous. She was scared.

Scared something would be wrong with the baby.

Scared she may yet miscarry.

Scared she'd be a terrible mother…and most of all, scared that Harm would want nothing more to do with her once he found out she was pregnant.

It didn't matter that Harm had told her he wasn't going to let her go, nor did it matter that he'd once agreed to go 'haves' on kid together with her. It didn't even matter at the moment that the Harmon Rabb, Jr she knew would never let her child be fatherless.

Her world had once again been turned on its head, and she was just uncontrollably, miserably scared.

End Chapter 23