A/N: Another update. Thank you all for the reviews!

Gone

Chapter 28: True Colors

December 30th, 2005

0859 Local

Harm's Apartment

North of Union Station

Mac stepped off the elevator into the dark hall of Harm's floor, questioning her decision to take the ancient, rickety lift. It lurched and groaned the entire way up and frankly Mac was glad she'd made it up here alive. From here on out, it was back to the stairs, whether she was carrying a suitcase or groceries or whatever. When she reached Harm's door, she saw that it was slightly ajar, so she knocked and pushed it open. "Admiral?" she called and couldn't help the smile that teased at the corners of her mouth when the admiral shouted back, "It's AJ!" as he appeared from Harm's bedroom.

"Sorry, AJ," Mac said, setting her suitcase down on the floor beside her. "Old habits, you know…"

AJ nodded as he came closer to her and surveyed the loft. Everything appeared to be in order, not that she'd expected it otherwise given she'd been here so recently, and her former CO seemed satisfied.

"Water's back on, appliances plugged in…and I took the liberty of picking up a few groceries for you. The cold stuff is still in a cool—what?"

Mac gaped at the admiral. "Sir—I mean, AJ, you didn't have to…I just didn't expect you to—"

"Go shopping? I had to go for myself anyway, so I thought—oh, Jesus, Mac, don't cry! It's just a little milk and cheese and—"

Mac was embarrassed by the tears that were now slipping down her cheeks. She hadn't expected Admiral Chegwidden to do something so kindly domestic for her…indeed, she hadn't expected much of anything, and it touched her. But then again, she supposed he felt guilty…and she didn't want his guilt…

"Sir—"

"AJ."

"Sorry—AJ, thank you, but you really didn't have to…I can take care of myself…"

"I know you can, Mac. I just didn't want you to have to." AJ seemed sincere, but Mac wanted to still clarify things.

"AJ, really, you don't need to feel like you have to…to look after me. You've already apologized—"

AJ Chegwidden seemed almost indignant. "Is that what you think this is about? I just wanted to do something to—" And then his shoulders suddenly slumped. "Well, I suppose I do want to make up for things…but I know I can't, not really…I mean, I know a bag of carrots and a gallon of milk doesn't make up for—for Paraguay, but dammit, Mac, I—"

Mac reached out and put her hand on the admiral's arm. "Adm—AJ, please…it's okay. Thank you for the groceries. I really do appreciate it and I'm glad I don't have to go out right away for things. It's a little overwhelming…being in a big city again. Mont—I mean, where I live now, it-it's different. Driving around here is a bit exhausting. So, thank you, AJ."

AJ was silent for a moment as his intent gaze caused Mac to squirm a bit. "Well, anything I can do to help, especially in your condition, just call. Anytime, okay?"

Mac almost snorted. "My condition? You too? Lord, I'm just pregnant, not ill."

"I know that, Mac, but—wait, what do you mean, 'you too?' Did someone else—"

"Sturgis…he followed me to my hotel yesterday."

The admiral's expression turned into one of anger. "He did what? Researching for a case, my ass. I'll deal with that, Mac. I'm sorry."

"No, AJ, don't say anything. Please. He left when I asked him to." Well, after I asked him to twice, but that's still probably pretty good for Sturgis.

"But still, he should have…"

"Really, AJ. It's okay. I mean, he's convinced I betrayed Harm by running off and getting pregnant by some other guy, which, honestly, I had every right to do—but I didn't feel the need to explain it to him. He can think what he wants."

AJ still looked like he wanted to have words with his subordinate, but eventually he nodded. "Okay, Mac. Have it your way. You will tell me, of course, if he bothers you again?" Mac nodded. "Good."

The two stood silently together for a few more moments before the admiral squared his shoulders. "Well, I suppose I should go and let you get settled. I'll just take your bag into the bedroom and—"

"I can still carry my own bags, sir, uh, AJ."

AJ rolled his eyes. "Would you just let me be a gentleman, Mac? Besides it's nothing I wouldn't or haven't done for Francesca—"

"Francesca had a baby?" Mac asked, another smile forming unwittingly on her face. AJ was suddenly beaming with pride.

"Two, actually. Twins. A boy and a girl. Cosimo and Carolena."

"That's wonderful, AJ. Congratulations! Tell her I said—um, no, don't do that…well, I suppose it doesn't matter if she—"

AJ sobered again. "Mac, I promise I won't invade your privacy, nor will I let anyone else."

Mac searched the man's eyes. "Okay," she said eventually. "And please…do give Francesca my best wishes. Really."

AJ nodded. "I will." He looked about the room one more time, then turned toward her and held out his hand. This time she took it and he covered it with his other hand as well. "Well, make yourself comfortable. I'll just take care of this—" He let go of her and picked up her bag. "And then I'll get out of your hair."

Mac gave him a nod and a few minutes later, she was alone again. Well, not entirely…she thought to herself as her child made his presence known again. She gave her belly a pat and was about to go upstairs and unpack when a knock sounded at the door.

Good lord, they found me already? she groused to herself. A look through the peephole revealed it was the admiral once again.

"Back again, AJ?" she asked, thinking the admiral looked decidedly uncomfortable.

"Uh, I forgot to mention…I know tomorrow is New Year's Eve…"

"AJ, I'm definitely not up for a party," she was quick to inform him.

"Right…no, no…not that…it's about Harriet…"

Now it was Mac's turn to look uncomfortable. "What—what about her, sir?" she whispered, falling back once again on old forms of address.

"She was wondering if you'd like to come over to their house for dinner tomorrow night to see little AJ and meet the two younger children. I told her I would ask you."

Mac bit her lip. She longed to see little AJ again and meet Jimmy. She'd like to meet their baby girl too, but the thought of the baby's name made her heart clench and she didn't know how she'd react when little MacKenzie Jane was staring her in the face.

"I…um, what time?"

"She said around 1800 but told me to tell you that they could make any time work, whatever you felt comfortable with."

Mac started to nod, but then abruptly started to shake her head.

"I—I…I don't think I can do this. Tell her…tell her I'm s-sorry." Mac started to choke up as her eyes filled with tears.

Where's your inner marine now, Mac? her inner voice taunted. Apparently, her bravado of yesterday had already reached its expiration date.

"Mac…"

"I'm sorry. I just…it's too h-hard." Now she was really crying, and she turned away from the admiral in embarrassment. It wasn't long, however, before the she felt his hands on her shoulders.

"Mac, I know you want to see little AJ." Mac nodded tearfully.

"And Jimmy?" Mac nodded again.

"And the baby? Mac, I tell you…MacKenzie's a little doll."

"I'm s-sure sh-she is." Mac tried to brush her tears aside, but they were quickly replaced by those still falling from her eyes. "I just—"

"Just, what?" the admiral eventually asked when she didn't say anything more for several moments.

"Just…why, Admiral? Why did they name her…"

"After you?" There was another nod from Mac.

"Because…because they loved you and missed you and wanted to honor your memory."

"But, why?" she asked despairingly. She felt herself being turned around, the admiral's strong arms wrapping her in an unexpected, fatherly embrace.

"Mac, if you only knew how sorry they are…how sorry we all are…"

"Those are just words."

"But they aren't any less true."

"Are they, though? True? If I hadn't left…if you didn't all think I'd…killed myself…nothing would have changed. I'd still be the office pariah. It's just that now, you all feel guilty."

"Hell yes, we feel guilty!" Mac jumped at the admiral's vehemence, and she pulled away from him, her eyes flashing.

"I don't want your guilt…or your pity!"

"Mac, for god's sake, I don't pity you!" AJ began to pace around the room, making a couple of passes by Mac before he faced her again. "I don't pity you," he repeated. "I don't. But I do deeply regret my actions both before and after Paraguay, and I know Harriet, Bud, Harm, and Sturgis do as well. I only wish it hadn't taken you leaving for us to understand how awful and uncalled for our behavior was.

"Mac, I watched you suffer for months after Paraguay. I could tell you weren't sleeping; you weren't eating. As your CO, it was my job to ensure my people's well-being, and I failed. You may not want my guilt, but it's there, and it's warranted. JAG was a family before you left, and after…" The admiral shrugged, his expression full of melancholy and regret.

Mac could only stare at him; even during the 'good' times at JAG, she wouldn't have expected AJ Chegwidden to be so open about the emotional aspects of life in the military. "Sir—"

"Dammit, Mac, it's AJ!" He threw up his hands in frustration, and the two just eyed each other for several more moments.

"I should go," AJ finally said. "Mac, I wouldn't blame you for not forgiving me or any of the rest of us, and I have no right to ask this, but please, give us a chance to make up for everything."

Mac bit her lip, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "I just…I want to…but…"

"You don't trust us."

She shook her head sadly. "I'm sorry."

It was AJ's turn to shake his head. "Don't be…" He stepped forward and placed a hand on her shoulder. "It's okay, Mac. And I'll tell Harriet that—"

"Six will be fine."

"What?"

Mac sighed. "I'll go to Bud and Harriet's. I really do want to see little AJ…and neither he, nor his brother and sister have anything to do with what's gone on in the last few years. I've…I've really missed him."

AJ smiled gently. "Good. I'll let Harriet know."

"Thank you, sir."

AJ rolled his eyes. "You're welcome." He surprised her by pulling her in for another embrace. "Take care, Mac."

With that, he let her go, leaving her once again alone amongst Harm's possessions, while his son moved inside her womb.

December 31st, 2005

1759 Local

Roberts' Residence

Reston, VA

"Mac, come in, come in," Harriet stepped aside to let Mac step into the once familiar home. Mac noticed the wallpaper had changed to a tasteful muted tan with white trim, and the carpeting in the front hall was now a cherry laminate.

"I, um, like what you've done here, Harriet." Mac said hesitantly. She glanced around her, looking for some sight of her godson so he could make this whole gathering less awkward.

"Thank you, ma'am—uh, Mac. Bud never liked the wallpaper and I hated trying to keep the carpet clean—high traffic area, you know, and once we got started, well…you'll have to see the dining room. I hope you still like chicken parmesan." Harriet moved and spoke with a nervous energy as she herded Mac down the hall. They were obviously both nervous about this meeting outside of the professional offices of JAG. She didn't let Mac answer, keeping up her steady chapter as they entered the living room.

"So, Mac, a baby! Who—I mean, do you know what you're…you're…"

"A boy. Due on March 27th," she answered Harriet's next question before the other woman could ask it.

"Oh, wonderful—"

"Hi, Mac," Bud's voice interrupted Harriet's frenetic chatter as he rose from a comfortable-looking easy chair. He held out his hand to her and after a slight hesitation, she gave hers to him. Bud's grip was firm and his smile was warm. He had that familiar glint of guilt in his eye, but he seemed less troubled and nervous.

"I'm sorry I missed you at JAG the other day. Harriet told me about the baby. Congratulations, ma'am." He chuckled sheepishly. "I mean, Mac."

"Thank you," she responded quietly. She was about to tell him she liked the changes in the house as well, when the gurgle of a baby caught her attention. The gurgle turned into a tiny wail, and with an 'excuse me', Bud went over to a portable crib in the far corner and lifted a little baby into his arms. She looked petite for her six months of life and, as the admiral had said, she was a doll. She had wispy white-blonde hair, bright blue eyes, and a little bow of a mouth that was already curving into a little smile when she spotted Mac. Amazingly, the little girl held out her arms to Mac when Bud brought her close, and Mac automatically caught the sweet baby up in her embrace.

"So, this is MacKenzie," Mac whispered, awed in spite of herself at the tiny creature. "She's beautiful, Bud." Mac turned toward Harriet. "She looks just like you, Harriet," she continued, relieved at the distraction that the baby provided. She chose not to think too deeply about the child's name as the baby buried her perfect little fingers in Mac's dark chestnut hair.

"Thank you, Mac," Harriet answered with a smile. She was about to say something else when a whirlwind of energy burst into the room.

"Auntie Mac! Auntie Mac," little AJ shouted as he threw his arms around her. Bud quickly plucked MacKenzie from Mac's arms so his former superior officer could hug AJ back. Mac couldn't hold back her tears as she knelt down and hugged the little boy again.

"Oh, AJ, it's so good to see you. I missed you!" she said brightly, trying to surreptitiously brush her tears aside.

"I missed you too, Auntie Mac!" Mac marveled at the boy's excitement at seeing her even after such a long absence from his life. It was as if she'd just seen him last week rather than over two years ago. The thought that Bud and Harriet had continued to speak of her to their son rose up in her mind and she quickly brushed it aside, instead letting little AJ lead her to the dining room behind his parents.

"Here, let me help you with that, Harriet," Mac stood up from her chair and began picking up dinner plates from the table.

"Oh, don't worry about it, Mac. I've got this. You should just go relax in the living. Bud will be down from putting Jimmy to bed soon—I'll bring us all out some tea." Harriet was still obviously nervous, and Mac sensed the other woman wanted to say more than just the superficial pleasantries she'd been uttering thus far. There was a part of Mac that just wanted to get this over with—the awkward conversation regarding Mac's disappearance and the JAG personnel's role in it. The other part wanted to just go play Uno in the living room with AJ.

"Oh, it's no big deal, Harriet. We'll get this done faster if we do it together." She picked up another plate and looked up at Harriet, frowning when she saw Harriet's expression.

"And then you'll be able to leave sooner." Harriet's words were said with a bitter tinge, and Mac's mouth dropped open in surprise. The meal they'd just shared was tasty and of course a little bit awkward, but it had still been fairly friendly. Mac felt a flash of anger, but it was overshadowed by the rush of old insecurities that had nagged her since she'd returned from Paraguay.

"N-no, Harriet," Mac stammered, thinking she should have listened to her initial inclination not to come here.

"How could you, Mac? How could you leave us all like that?!"

Mac slowly set the dishes back down on the table, the shaking of her hands causing the china to clink together. She gaped at Harriet, stunned at the rancor in the woman's tone. "I did what I had to—"

"No, you were selfish. You let us—"

"I'll be going. Tell little AJ I goodbye for me," Mac said with forced calm, then turned on her heel and left the dining room. She found her purse on the hall table and pulled out her keys, and without even grabbing her coat from the hall closet where Harriet had stashed it, she pulled open the front door. A blast of cold air hit her and, ignoring Bud's concerned 'Mac' as he came down the stairs, she stepped out onto the porch, closing the door behind her even as little AJ called after her. Her tears nearly froze on her face, and the last thing she heard before the door closed completely was Bud's angry questioning of his wife.

End Chapter 28

A/N 2: For some reason I can't help myself—Harriet keeps coming off as just a wench! I normally like Harriet!