A/N: My chapters are getting progressively longer and while I could probably cut a lot of stuff out, I really like the characterization aspect of this story. The entire reason, outside of shipping reasons, was to really explore them as individuals. That aside I feel like these first chapters do a lot of dynamic establishing, but they'll pick up a bit more with fun, dramatic Grey's esque stuff the week of in the coming chapters. I started writing this fic on a whim, but have now kind of figured out what I want so thank you for sticking through. Also, I would like to thank everyone for the support on this fic. It means a lot to me and I appreciate it so very much.
Meredith knew that she should have kept her guard up. She also knew what she was doing by not keeping her guard up. It was going to end up being some big mess in the end and more than one person was going to get hurt.
Somewhere along the lines it became less about Maggie and trying to keep her sister from the little web of lies she was tangled up in, and more about running away from her own feelings that she would barely admit to. If that wasn't selfish she didn't know what was.
Maggie was only an excuse so that she didn't have to deal with anything. Before her sister made her little admission to her as they watched Owen and Amelia get married she was struggling, but it was as if, in that exact moment, the universe found a way to give her some kind of out.
It was a piss poor excuse. Certainly when she didn't even fully take the out. She could have so easily shoved Nathan and Maggie together. Yet, she didn't. When everything came to light she knew very well just how awful she was going to look, but she couldn't bring herself to worry about that. Not when she was worrying about everything else. It felt as if Nathan was constantly on her mind and no matter how how hard she tried she just couldn't get him out.
She needed him out.
She was better at her job when they weren't anything. She remembered when they fought in the hospital, the way she told him on the stairs that they had to be work colleagues, and yet, she did everything she could to break that while they were away. As if the boundaries just didn't exist anymore.
They didn't, did they?
The two of them could just be and while it did nothing to help her little situation. It was nice. Something she could barely admit.
When the pair found themselves back in Seattle, however, all of it was going to change. There wouldn't be any moments where they were on friendly terms. She would avoid him and pretend that everything was fine. She would bury any brewing feelings as if they didn't exist at all. That was what she would do and it would be normal.
Not stolen moments where she wanted him in more ways than one.
None of it would continue.
For Maggie.
The only draw back was that she knew it would likely hurt Nathan. Everything felt as if it was bound to hurt him eventually. The closer the pair grew...and even if he said he could handle it...
Did she really want to be that girl?
Or was she already that girl?
She was the one who kept as much distance as she possibly could between her and Nathan, while still manipulating all of the little pieces so that she essentially got her way. She pushed him away, only to pull him back. She was the one who showed up at his hotel room looking for something more than whatever it was she ever looked for before. She wanted him. Plain and simple. Meredith wanted Nathan and she was playing dirty little games in order to make it possible, without actually making it possible.
It wasn't as if everything was going to be picture perfect when they went back to Seattle. No, it would never happen. If it did happen Maggie would have to find out and she didn't want Maggie to ever have to know. She was one of the few people she had a good relationship with. Amelia made her crazy, but Maggie...well, Maggie didn't drive her as crazy. As long as she wasn't going on and on about Nathan, which tended to shift her perspective a bit.
Meredith knew better than to do what she was doing but she did it anyway. When it came all blew up in her face she'd really have no one to blame but herself.
None of that stopped her with spending more time with him while they were away in their own little world. She probably could have found some excuse or gone to her own hotel room...even if she did end up leaving her bag in his. It wasn't like she was bad at excuses. Okay, they usually weren't the best of excuses, but he didn't seem to question her.
She didn't do anything other than walk with him down to the hospital cafeteria to find something to eat. She was starving and her little blowup made her feel like she needed a moment of distraction so he didn't ask her questions. Giving away personal information was not something she wanted to do, even with Nathan, who seemed to have a dark and rocky past of his own.
"I don't think you're going to find me good coffee here." Meredith finally spoke after too long a bout of silence.
"Probably not." He replied, holding the door open for her, "I'll just have to earn my kiss another way."
Meredith rolled her eyes and looked around to only see a few people in the small cafeteria. She hadn't spent much time in a hospital that wasn't her own, and when she did they were usually far larger. It was quiet and only made her wonder what that was like day in and day out. She'd probably be okay for a few weeks before she got too bored and was craving something more exciting to roll through the doors.
General surgery could have moments of a lull in which it wasn't that exciting anyway. Left her to be able to spend some time with kids, if nothing else.
"You've checked your phone like three times." Nathan pointed out, instantly pulling Meredith from her thoughts.
"Alex hasn't called."
"That's a good thing, ain't it? Means your kids are all in one piece."
"Or they are all dead." It was a joke, mostly.
"Someone would have called if there were four dead bodies."
"Eat your breakfast."
Nathan smiled at her as they took a seat at once of the small tables.
What passed for hospital fruit interested her little as she looked at him. She didn't have anything to say, yet, wanted to say something all at the same time. How was he so easy going? In contrast with Owen...how were they friends? Though that was like asking why Derek and Mark were friends, when they seemed to be so different. But she knew Derek's softer side, she remembered it well. She couldn't say she knew too much about the softer side Owen had. Not in recent memory, at least. After all, she was never the one that was married to Owen. Only a bystander as the years passed them by.
They both loved and lost and found hopes in new people.
Bonus points for her not wanting to kill him that time around with Amelia. She imagined he would have to do something pretty terrible for her to ever take the side of the sister she didn't actually want.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Nathan question between bites.
"How long were you and Owen friends?"
His eyebrow raised, "A while. Long while. We became doctors together, joined the army. Time is different out there. One day seems so much longer than one day here. Karev is your guy, right? Been through everything and still remain standing. It was like that until...you know."
"Yeah."
"So what's the deal with you and Karev?"
"He's my person."
"Your person." Nathan repeated, sounding all too skeptical.
"We're the only two left from our class. Cristina and Izzie left and George died. He brought us Zola, he was there when Derek died, he was there when my kids were born."
"You ever sleep with him?"
Meredith laughed. "No, it's Alex. Ever sleep with Owen?"
"What? no."
She had to admit the look on his face was priceless, especially the way his eyes widened that if it was anyone else she'd probably question if he was telling the truth. "Well, I'm pretty sure you only asked because he has a penis."
"You think that little of me?"
"Right now. A bit, yeah."
"You two are close and you sleep with guys in cars."
Meredith rolled her eyes, but couldn't help the smile. Something about him made her smile even in the moments where she didn't' really want to smile. "Not guys, just you."
"Just me?"
"In recent memory." Not too inclined in letting him seeing her slutty past. "It's hard to be slutty when you have three kids, annoying sisters, Alex, teach a class, and head of general surgery that gets volunteered for out of state surgeries that are a lost cause."
A smirk came across his lips, "I'm always up for being slutty."
"Keep it in your pants, Riggs."
They continued to eat in silence, after he smiled, which she returned. It was comfortable, almost. She didn't feel the need to ruin it with any more conversation. She just...wasn't sure if he was going to ruin it. The comfortable feeling was something that she felt from the beginning. Even when it was something she didn't want to feel...it was still there and there was nothing she could do about it. Nothing she could do about it.
Meredith was supposed to hate him. It wasn't that simple.
Nothing was ever that simple.
Instead she didn't hate him. She wanted to be loyal to Owen, to keep him from slipping into his own dark and twisty place. She even promised him that she did hate Nathan on his behalf. He screwed up, there was no doubt about that. Only they all screwed up and she thought he was probably torturing himself more than either her or Owen could ever do. Then he had to go and be all good and charming, get under her skin, and leave absolutely no hope that she would be able to hate him without any complications.
She liked having him around and being around him. For all her moments pushing him away...she didn't know what to do. It was as if so many parts of her were screaming at once and she could only listen to so many of them.
But he brought her a peace.
When was the last time she felt peace?
When she had to go tell Bailey about Alex, it was Nathan she wanted to sit with her. They didn't even speak. The pair just ended up sitting in the dark, in silence, occasionally looking at one another as she made up her mind. Almost as if he silently told her that she actually needed to do it even if she didn't want to. It all ended up working out in the end, but just having him there...did something. Something that she hadn't felt in so long. Different from Derek, which was only further serve to scare her. Her distance scared her and if she was to put everything all in...she just wasn't sure it would work out in her favor.
Not when everyone she loved was gone, and Alex was in the very real danger of being gone.
Meredith wasn't sure how long she'd been staring at him but she couldn't help herself. Not in the way she was searching for answers as she searched his face. As if something magically was just going to pop out at her and she was going to learn all of the answers.
"What?" Nathan asked. "You keep staring at me."
"Let's go."
Meredith kept her eyes straight ahead as they walked down the hallway. She wasn't entirely sure where they were going. It wasn't their domain and hardly as if the pair could just go home and call it a day. Avoiding the Chief of Surgery seemed to be something preferable to her, but the hospital wasn't that exciting.
She was overthinking things and she knew it.
Being vulnerable and not having anyone to exactly talk it out with did her no good.
Sure, she could have called Alex and told him the whole story but they never really talked about Nathan in the first place. He was aware of their little escapade in the car and Maggie's feelings. Otherwise they didn't really talk about it or much of anything else. The serious things going on in their lives didn't exist in the moments and instead they spent their time focused upon the kids.
Given all of that she couldn't blame Nathan for asking about Alex. She knew how it looked, but what it looked like was the furthest thing from the truth. Something Jo never quite understood.
"I still owe you that cup of coffee."
"Later." Meredith told him, which was something of an improvement over no.
She clasped her hands in front of her as they walked down the halls, twisting and turning wherever they saw fit...wherever Nathan saw fit. She let him lead as her mind filled with things that she was at some kind of internal war with herself over.
Nothing was easy and everything was complicated.
A short breath came from her as she turned to look at him. Nathan was looking straight ahead and she only managed to catch his side profile. Sometimes it amazed her that she was in that stage of her life. Sometimes the reality that Derek was gone didn't really hit her until those moments. Where she looked over and saw the scruff upon his face, the way his hair was growing and that it was straight, or how much tanner he appeared compared to herself. He looked like a guy who had a whole life and he did. She knew that. He had a whole life before her. He had to be at least forty, but other than that she didn't know much of anything in the way of personal details.
Neither were big on sharing.
The army was all she knew and what happened with Megan. He knew loss and she assumed he knew traumas of other kind.
Something that probably subconsciously drew her to him. Something always drew her back, no matter how hard she tried to run.
"Alex is on this weird...family time thing...where we all have to spend as much time together before...he goes to jail." Not that Meredith thought he was going to jail, or maybe, he just hoped that he wouldn't. Alex was her person and the thought of losing her person wasn't sitting well with. "And so we're having Thanksgiving at my house. You should come. If you don't have plans."
"You cook?"
"Oh, no." Meredith laughed. "If I made dinner you would be dead."
"Do I bring anything?"
"Wine. We always run out of it." She glanced over him. "Don't get your hopes up because I guarantee you someone will be crying and someone else will be angry."
"My kind of night. Are you only inviting me because you think I'll be left out?"
"No," Meredith rolled her eyes. "I'm inviting you because it's a nice thing to do. Plus, April will be there, so even if things get all weird you have at least one friend."
"I have friends."
"Okay." As if she believed that one.
"The only person you ever talk to is Alex."
"I talk to Amelia and Maggie."
"They're your sisters."
"I talk to...Owen."
"Brother -in- law," Nathan countered.
"I'm friends with April."
"When was the last time you talked to her?"
"I asked about Harriet and tried not to judge her name choice."
Nathan smiled, glancing over at her as they walked. "It's pretty bad, isn't it?"
"Yeah, it's not good." She paused, "Callie and I hung out a lot, but she moved to New York. And well, I don't have any desire to be closer to any more Shepherds."
"Fair enough. I'll bring wine."
"And no flirting."
"I would never flirt with you, Dr. Grey. I am a professional."
Meredith stopped and looked over at him, crossing her arms across her chest.. "You flirt with me all the time."
"You came to my hotel room and took off your shirt, and were definitely five seconds away from jumping me again."
"Shut up."
Her words only caused a smug look to come across his face. "No flirting."
"No flirting." She nodded before turning away from him before her thoughts ended up getting the better of her. Walking and find some destination was a much better idea. Not that she didn't have self control. She did, but being in close quarters and able to remember how easily the way his hands felt across her body did very little good for her. Too little good, really, so much so she bit down into her lower lip. Almost as if she was some crazed, hormonal teenager. She was in her late thirties. She had three kids. She was a damn surgeon. Even with all that...something ticked inside of her.
"So who is all invited?"
"The attendings. Jo, Deluca, and Alex in one room seems like the worst idea ever, and I heard they were doing their own thing. We did it...my intern year. I hid at work. Derek and I had this patient who was in a coma. I swore he looked at me. We woke him up and it'd been so long his entire family moved on. He decided to the surgery, but he died."
"Wait, Derek was your attending?" Amusement was clear as he asked the question.
Of course that was the one piece of information he decided to harp on. "I didn't know he was my attending." She thought about explaining, but decided against it. "We're supposed to talking about holidays...not how I met my husband."
"Owen didn't know that I was with his sister and so we sat through a whole dinner with his mother looking between us. Mothers know. Anyway, an error in judgement led to a moment in the shower, which ended with Owen punching me in the face...while I was naked. It's no dead patient, but my good medical stories are good Army stories, not Thanksgiving ones."
"Does owen always punch you?" She teased.
"It seems that way." Nathan smiled.
"Do you know where we're going?"
"Nope."
Just then they ran into the Chief who handed her the phone. "For UNOS. I don't want to see either of you again unless it rings. I don't take kindly to be yelled at and humiliated in my own hospital, but you're here, and Richard assures me you are two fine surgeons. Maybe we actually have a shot at actually save this guy."
Meredith grabbed the phone and smiled. "Yes, Chief."
"I have never seen anyone with a more fake smile in my life."
"Well, I could apologize, but…" she trailed off for a moment, "I don't want to."
Spotting the on call room she was glad. It'd been awhile since she last actually had the chance to sleep. Given that she was actually without her kids for the night she should have slept, rather than seeking Nathan out. Not that they got very far before being paged and pulled into the surgery. He entered the room first and sat down on the bed, his back against the brick wall, Meredith moving and taking a seat next to him.
She looked over at him almost to ask if it was okay, to which she just got a puzzled face. "I can move."
"No, I like it."
With her legs stretched out in front of her she placed the phone in her lap, looking down at it.
Meredith wasn't exactly a big fan of waiting for the magical phone call. Sometimes it never happened and other times it did. She did a lot of transplants outside of her normal surgeries, and no matter how attached or detached she was from the patient...it never got any easier. Sitting there with Nathan did seem to help quite a bit.
Another moment to reinforce that she did like having him there.
"Do you think they'll make it?" His voice questioned and broke the silence that hung between them.
"Who?"
"Owen and Shepherd."
"Maybe," she shrugged. "Maybe not. As long as she stays out of my house."
"What's the deal with you two?"
She shook her head. "Not telling that story."
"You don't wanna make out. You don't wanna share. Should we just sit here and stare at each other in the dark?"
What was worse than her budding feelings was the fact that he had so many moments when he was right. "She talks so much about things I don't care. Do I care about sex with Owen? No."
"She... talks too much." The words fell from him slowly, in a little too judgemental of a manner for Meredith to not make a face at.
"She's annoying."
"She's annoying." He repeated, not losing his tone.
"She's Derek's sister." She was exasperated and things with Amelia made her tense. "We're not sisters because of Derek and she thinks we are. She want to have this magic bond where we're best friends who share everything like actual sisters do. She just showed up and then things with my marriage..." She looked over at him, her eyes searching his face for the fifth hundredth time that night. "My marriage was falling apart and then he died. It was a rough year and I couldn't deal with her. I did some things that she'll never forgive me for, and she's said some things I'll never forgive her for. We're not compatible and I like her better out of house."
"What did you do?"
"Nothing I'm apologetic for." It was a bold statement. She was certain that half their fighting was because she never apologized for it. Not properly, not in the way Amelia wanted. That moment was the hardest moment of her life and she didn't think she owed anyone for it. "I don't hate her, but we doing better with space. She's Owen's problem now."
"I don't think he sees her as a problem."
"Yet." Her shoulders shrugged again. "I give it six months."
"What happened to being happy for them?"
"I am happy for them. You asked about Amelia."
"It's called getting to know each other."
"What happened after Megan?"
Nathan stayed quiet and she was pretty sure that he didn't want to answer her. "I stayed out there for a while to look...do anything. I wasn't trained like a soldier, I'm a surgeon, but I didn't care. Nothing really happened. I took some leave. They made me take some leave and it was a bad couple of months. I don't think I need to explain that part to you."
"You never tried to make it right with Owen." She pointed out.
"Did he tell you that?"
"No," she shook her head. "Owen came here when he was on leave, and after he was discharged he got a job here. Then spent months terrorizing my best friend." Okay that wasn't fair given he had PTSD, but he didn't have to know that.
"Alex?" He questioned with a raise of his eyebrow.
"Cristina."
"I didn't, no." He turned away from her and his gaze focused on his hands.
"Why not?"
"I knew better." His voice was soft. "You saw him after five years. Owen would have beat me to a blood pulp in the lobby with no regret. Then I heard Altman was around and well, I wasn't going to deal with that shit show."
Meredith laughed. "It wasn't that bad."
Nathan's entire demeanor changed near instantly, a smile finding him, just as he turned to look at her.
"It made me hate him. We could have formed a hate squad. Though I'm almost positive Derek would have hated you."
"I'm very likable." His words were slightly on the defensive, but paired with a smile and too much charm for his own good.
"He hated Owen for existing, but then you'd be privy to all the bad shit that happened to me and no one wants that."
Nathan nodded, "I think going back helped. Gave me the answers I guess I think I needed. I'll always wonder what happened, but...some sense of closure knowing for myself she's gone."
"I left Seattle after Derek died. I couldn't be in that house. It was too overwhelming and after I realized I was pregnant…." She didn't regret it, even when she thought about how worried Alex was. Everyone really, but it was Alex who called her multiple times a day, every day for the entire duration of her pregnancy. She understood exactly what Nathan meant when he said it helped. For her, getting away helped, to put distance between herself and him. She didn't need closure. She knew exactly what happened and in a way, she was lucky. There wasn't a shroud of mystery.
"You came back."
"I came back." She repeated. "Then I met you and I hated you. Sometimes," she kept her eyes on him, "I still hate you."
"You don't hate me." Confidence was found easily in his words.
"I hate…" Meredith paused, "that I don't hate you. I want to hate you."
"See." His head turned, leaning into her. "You can stop fighting at any time."
Meredith glanced over at him, leaning back into him without even really thinking about it. "It's too hard."
"Moving on or something else?"
Briefly her eyes to fell to his lips, only to be paired with the shiver running down her spine. "All of it." Meredith thought about kissing him. In truth, she thought about doing a lot more with him, to him, so much that there was a small smile she could feel coming over her. It was all part of the reason she found it so very difficult to be near him, when she thought about him it was rarely in super platonic terms.
"I can't do this with you."
"Why not?"
Meredith looked down, but didn't move from where she sat near him.
"Is this about Maggie?"
She didn't look up.
"Or Derek?" He asked again.
Meredith allowed for her gaze to raise at the mention of Derek's name. It was different. Her new life was without him and all of those moments were gone. She was never going to get them back and if she ended up getting Alzheimer's she would lose them completely. A sad state of affairs. She had her children and little things that kept him alive, but he was gone. He was gone and she had moved on. A little. As much as she actually could with him. She kept him near but pushed him away. She wanted him but she was scared. She needed him but couldn't have him. It was a circle.
It wasn't about Maggie. The only thing that made it about her sister was that she managed to keep it from her. If she didn't tell her then it wasn't real. Even though she told alex, but he didn't mention it again and she didn't really want to talk about so they left it alone. It still wasn't really. Even when they were so close she could feel his breath, smell him, make her recall all of the times that he had his hands all over her.
"You're the first person I've ever seen a future with." Nathan's voice interrupted her thoughts.
Meredith didn't look up, only ran her finger along his arm. "You hate commitment."
"We're not getting married. You won't even let me kiss you."
Meredith smiled. He was right. She didn't let him kiss her. She didn't let him do anything. She shared bits and pieces of her life with him, but most of the time she did her best to keep as much distance between them. Only she did invite him to Thanksgiving, which would surely be innocent in the eyes of everyone else. It was innocent...mostly. Not entirely. Part of it was her keeping him close, but not too close.
"It took me a long to even think I could move on. I loved Megan so much and I messed up. She's gone and I can never repay for my sins. So I devoted my time to the army. I spent some time in Iraq and then I stayed in the Middle East, atone in a different way, I guess. No amount of lives or time is going to bring her back. It took me a long time to understand that and some days...that miracle dream. It feels so real, like it could happen. And I get it, if you're not ready. Meredith, I get that better than anyone else ever could. Just tell me. I'm not an asshole."
Meredith rested her forehead on his shoulder, processing his words, glad that she didn't need to look at him. "I…" But her words were put on hold when her phone rang, specifically with the Alex ringtone. Without moving from her position she moved to answer the phone. "Hi. My kids are alive?"
"Yeah, yeah." Alex answered. "They're alright. how's it going?"
"Um," she bit down on her lower lip as she looked up at Nathan, who for the first time wasn't smiling. "Waiting for UNOS To call."
"You coming home today?"
"Maybe. UNOS or death, whichever comes first. Are you doing alright with the kids?"
"If you mean your house looks like a war zone, yeah. They're alive though."
Meredith rolled her eyes. She could so clearly picture the mess. "And the lawyers?"
"I'll look good in orange." Alex shrugged.
"Alex, you're not going to jail." She told him in a far more serious tone than she usually had with him. Meredith didn't care that it was a very real possibility, she liked to act as if it wouldn't happen. The mere thought of losing Alex did nothing to settle the millions of thoughts that plagued her mind when she was putting on a brave face.
"It's whatever. Adults, gotta live up to our mistakes right?"
"Just...don't talk like that okay."
"Yeah, whatever, Mer. How's it going with Riggs?"
"He's annoying," she smiled the entire time, "but it's not that bad."
"Mm," Alex rolled his eyes.
"Don't mm me."
"Call me when you get in."
"Don't get yourself in more trouble and tell my kids I love them." Meredith hung up the phone after Alex agreed and looked over at Nathan before sliding off the cot. "We need space. To not...do that."
He looked up at her and opened his mouth to say something. Only no words came out. Instead he managed to slide off of the cot and follow her out the door.
The hallway was better. Much better. It was bright, rather than the darkness of the room, but most importantly, it was a public space. Meredith didn't have to worry about having her control slip, if only for a moment.
"So where are we going?" Meredith asked as they walked down the hall, as aimlessly as they did before.
"Meredith. Where your sense of adventure?"
"Sorry I left it at home."
The grin on Nathan's face spelled nothing good, but she didn't stop him. She only followed him until they reached the double doors, to which he pushed through and they landed themselves outside.
"It's snowing." Nathan said when he walked out, smiling. "I can't remember the last time I saw snow." He held out his hands as and watched as the flakes fell, before melting directly into his hand. He looked over at Meredith, "This is amazing."
"You're shivering." She said as she came to stand next to him.
"It's fucking cold but it's snow." He glanced up at the sky with a wide smile.
Meredith thought he looked ridiculous but smiled right along with him before she let the flakes fall onto her hands. It was a side to him she hadn't exactly been privy to seeing before. He was like a kid and so happy. Normally she would describe Nathan as a pretty happy guy. People didn't really get under his skin. She sure as hell didn't. The only person who seemed to do just that was Owen and they had years of painful history between them.
"I lived in Boston as a kid. The first time it snowed I went out there. My mother was busy working but I didn't care. I played and played and played until I was too cold and too tired to play anymore." She shared, smiling more at him than the snow itself.
"I haven't seen snow since before I enlisted." He walked around and stuck out his tongue to catch the falling snowflakes on his tongue, more so than his hands.
Not much of the snow was actually sticking to the ground but that hardly stopped her from taking the moment when he was too distracted to gather some up and throw it at him. "Oops." The grin was mischievous and she enjoyed every second of it.
"Meredith Grey, is this you having fun?" He questioned before throwing one at her.
The pair chased one another in the snow and threw balls of snow and ice, mixed with dirt and everything else. If anyone was watching them they certainly didn't look like surgeons. They looked like kids who were taking the opportunity before it left them. At least until his arms wrapped around her and the both fell to the ground laughing, laying in the snow mixed with things she didn't really want to think about.
"My kids would love this." She looked up at the snowflakes falling on them, leaning into Nathan. One of those moments where she took what was offered, knowing her mind would tell her otherwise soon enough.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Ellis is still way too young, but Bailey and Zola. They'd chase each other until they ended up in a mess on the ground. Kind of like this..." she whispered, looking over at him. "It won't be like this, you know."
"Like what?" He whispered as his hand brushed against her cheek.
"Happy." She said softly. "Where we're just lost in this bubble that shouldn't even exist. Owen will give you black eye and Maggie will never speak to me again. Alex is going to jail and Amelia will probably end up living back in my house, and for kicks, someone will probably die. So this, the sex, the laughing, and the snow. It's a fantasy. Don't get attached to it. It'll be gone the minute you think the universe doesn't suck that damn much."
"Have you ever thought maybe the universe isn't as fucked up as you think it is?"
"Everyone I have loved except Alex and my kids are dead. My husband, my sister, my mother, George, Mark. They all died and everyone else left. Even Callie found happiness somewhere else."
"Be honest with your sister. Alex isn't going to jail, and Amelia and Owen will work their stuff out. And as for as a black eye, nothing will be as the bad as the time Owen found out about the cheating."
"Fantasy." Meredith sighed as she moved herself from him and walked back inside. She didn't want to talk. She already felt as if she had given too much away with him. Instead she searched the Chief, ignoring the way Nathan called her name. Probably to convince her, but when she set her mind on something it rarely ended up changing.
"You two can go home now."
"What happened?" Nathan asked.
"Coded, died. Nothing any of us could do." He was stern. "Thank you, but your services are no longer needed."
After that there was nothing left for them to do but go home. She avoided talking as much as she could. Each time he tried to start a conversation she ignored it, acting as if the distaste for him had returned. It didn't. She thought that he would have to do something pretty crazy for her to ever have that kind of distaste again. Instead she just let them exist and finally, he stopped pushing. She vaguely wondered just what he was thinking, but didn't take the risk in asking.
It wasn't until they were back in Seattle many hours later, with nightfall upon them once again, that she let herself even look at him.
"Do you want a ride?" Nathan asked as they stood in the parking lot.
"I can just call Alex."
"You're the most stubborn woman I've ever met." Nathan shook his head and it was easy to see the frustration was building. Lack of sleep. "It's late and I have a car, and I know, shocking, I can drive."
"Fine." Meredith replied as she rolled her eyes. She followed him to his car and put her bag in the back before getting into the car, looking over at him as she put on her seatbelt.
"Fancy car."
"Oh, there's judgement."
"No, I just didn't think you the type. Army, middle east relief work, brings bacon in box. You're very low maintenance." She shrugged. "Derek would like it."
"Was he high maintenance?" He asked, looking at her out of the corner of his eye.
"A little. You have one of those bachelor apartments, don't you?"
"I'm a bachelor." He pointed out as they left the parking lot.
Meredith didn't reply, thinking it would transition to a subject about his apartment she didn't want to get involved in. "Don't take me home yet." She blurted, not entirely sure where it came from, even if not going home yet had been vaguely on her mind. Even if she was pushing him away since the very moment the pair were on the ground laying in a mix of ice and snow, she wasn't entirely ready to let go of their little stolen moment. None of it was romantic. It was different. They were there because of work and nothing else. It wasn't as if any of it was planned by either party in order to get to know one another. Still, she wanted to extended it just a little. Until she would walk into her house and reality smacked her right in the face with little to no warning.
"Where do you want to go?"
"Hungry?" She asked.
"Yeah, sure. What do you want?"
"I want a milkshake."
He smiled. "Coming up doctor."
In a city like Seattle it didn't take them long to find just the food she was looking for, which ended up being nothing healthy. Though that didn't really matter much when she got pizza after work more times than she actually wanted to admit, to herself or anyone else. It was when they drove to a nice overview did it seem better. Just a few last quiet moments with food that was better than anything that could be found in any hospital. Big or small.
"Does this count as a date?" He teased as he looked over at her, popping a fry into his mouth.
She didn't even need to look in order to see the damn grin he surely had. "Well, you did pay for the food."
"And I'm letting you eat in my car."
Meredith smiled and leaned back, propping her feet up on the dashboard, looking through the little opening in the roof. It was a quiet and dark night. She enjoyed it. Just being there with him and stealing a few french fries from him, which she promptly dunked into her milkshake. She was still entirely certain it was nothing more than a fantasy but she was willing to give him a little more of the fantasy.
"What was Megan like?"
"Fire." He shrugged, a barely there smile. "She's not like Owen, not really. Loud and fun. Always had a comeback for everything you said. She was funny." His voice got quieter as the words came from it, clearly holding back a lot. "Was Derek anything like Amelia?"
Meredith stole a french fry. "It's the Shepherd way. Overbearing and loud. He was arrogant and expected the world out of you. He was the most charming and caring guy I've ever met in my life. Romantic and simple. There are a lot of words I could use to describe him." And none of them seemed right. How was she was supposed to explain Derek? Probably in the same way she expected him to describe Megan. Nothing either of them said was probably accurate. "We called him McDreamy."
"Mcdreamy?"
"He was dreamy and not at all unpopular. April was totally in love with Derek."
"Keps?" He laughed.
"Before Jackson. She like worshipped him. It was funny. He was Chief of Surgery before…" She couldn't bring herself to mention anything about that day.
Nathan looked over at her and she could feel his eyes on her. "He sounds like a good guy."
"He had his moments." Meredith smiled, grateful for the change.
It was something she actually quite liked about him. Nathan never expected her to share anything and when she didn't he just found something else to talk about. She expected way more out of him than he did her. She wanted to know things and had no problem looking at him until he gave her some kind of answer. It was something that built a connection near instantly, and their continued conversations only ended up building far more of a solid foundation.
But letting herself think of how close they were getting brought up a whole different set of questions.
Instead the food and the clear Seattle night sky captured the rest of her attention. The small talk they made was nice, but really, the moments of silence that caught them were the best part.
Comfort.
It was the only way she could describe it.
He continually brought her comfort she hadn't felt since Derek was alive. It was something she didn't even know she missed and it was as if the more she got it, the more she wanted it.
A drug she couldn't do without.
An hour passed before she knew she couldn't stay out any longer. Alex would likely call her and wonder where she was and while he was certainly more understanding than Maggie would be, she didn't want to push it. That and she did actually want to see her kids. She wasn't away from them for very long, but she did miss them very much. Her daughter wasn't even a year old yet and Meredith had to think it was the longest time she spent away from her little girl since her birth.
Not that any of them actually helped hre to immediately get out of the car once they were parked outside of her house. The lights were off and she assumed that meant everyone was asleep.
Her eyes found his in the darkness of the interior, fighting more wars with herself. It was frustrating. She knew what the right decision was. She knew what the right decision was from the very beginning, but she always managed to find some excuse.
She was running out of being able to use the excuses without seeing herself as a bitch.
"I'll tell Maggie." She whispered finally, getting out of the car. The three words forcing herself into a corner she couldn't back out. She told him so she had to tell her sister, right?
No backing down.
Time to face the music.