It was being alone in her house that seemed to bring Meredith to the most self aware place she could ever remember being in. The silence forced her to actually think rather than use a distraction as an excuse to ignore the many thoughts inside of her mind. Something she always preferred to do and even then, as she sat there with her hands in her lap, staring out to the living room before her, she wished it was something she could do.

Her kids were fast asleep after giving them dinner. A struggle that seemed endless in recent nights, yet, they were all fast asleep without crying for her. The one time she would happily take the extra moments with them over the peace and quiet she almost never found.

She hadn't changed out of her clothes from the day. Still in the white dotted shirt and black jacket that made her feel extra motherly somehow. Better than the turtleneck everyone failed to tell her it was a bad idea. Her focus on the clothing options she chose only surviving as something of a distraction from all the things that plagued her, and all of the things that she didn't want to think about.

When would she get a sense of peace again? Not that she was sure she ever experienced true peace. With the way things unfolded it seemed less and less likely. Another moment of her managing to destroy everything around her. She couldn't blame anyone but herself. She was the one who kept the secret from Maggie. She was the one who told Alex she would be fine. She was the one who leaned on Nathan time and time again, who kissed him in a very public hallway, and who simply allowed herself to get in far too deep with a man she knew she couldn't really have.

Because really, she couldn't have him even if all of the pieces aligned, could she?

Not when Maggie was so hurt from it. Nathan clearly wasn't aware of how deep Maggie's feelings went, but she was. She knew everything. She was the one who sat there and listened as she spoke of him near endlessly. Of course, she wasn't always that nice about it, but that didn't mean she wasn't listening. She was listening and hoping that things went down a different path, but they never did. Instead of telling him that nothing could ever happen she seemed to only want him more, all too unwilling to let him go. It'd been so long since she relied on someone in that way.

It was different from Alex. Alex was her friend and family. He was someone who'd been there from the very beginning and knew all of her deepest, darkest secrets. He was the one person she could lean on without feeling as if she was suddenly going to expose too much of herself. He could do the same for her. A different version of Cristina that she just couldn't do without.

For all Alex could give her there were just some things he could understand and given the recent position he found himself in the last thing she wanted to do was put more on him. He didn't need to deal with her problems, as well. It only made it all that much easier to pretend that none of those things were even happening and that whatever was growing between her and Nathan was something that was just a secret for the two of them.

He was an outlet. Different from the people she already knew. He held his own darkness and his own pain. She knew it connected them in a way and she wasn't ready to break the connection. She had to, but she never did. She leaned on him and she wanted him.

That was the worst part of it all.

How, as she sat there on that couch, with so much happening and all she could really think about was how much she wanted him closer. He didn't even need to speak in order for her to enjoy whatever moment they got. Whatever it was she wanted it wasn't as if she was going to get it. Things did not really work out in her life.

Instead of wishing she focused on all of the too horrible things that went on in her life, and wondered if she should have been drinking instead. The obvious answer was yes, even if drinking alone was something that was quite depressing.

She didn't move as she sat and decided to wait for Maggie...there was a hope that she would actually get to explain herself. Not that there were any good excuses and all of the little speeches she thought of were likely going to truly burn the bridge between the two of them. If the person who walked through the door happened to be Alex she would consider it a miracle.

Not that she was naive enough to think Alex was actually going to walk through those doors.

He wanted to protect Jo for whatever reason. Meredith wanted to protect Alex, or at least have Alex think about himself for once. He needed to actually think about all that he was giving up. It wasn't just about two years in prison...it was throwing everything he ever worked for away. Once he took the plea deal there was nothing that could be done in order to undo everything.

What kind of life was he going to make for himself? They couldn't have a doctor who had a felony under his belt working in the hospital with the doctor he had assaulted. Parents wouldn't want their kids in the hands of someone like that. She knew just how good of a guy Alex was but when it came to their kids most parents were just going to take the word of someone.

The hospital didn't need more bad press. She sounded too much like a board member then.

If he fought it then there was a chance that he could get off on the charge. She wondered what kind of person that made her to wish that Deluca got screwed in the end? Probably the kind who pushed away and complained about her sisters at any given time. That kind. Mostly she'd been doing her best to avoid everything completely. Work became her main focus as she tried to avoid Nathan. She tried to avoid Alex's problems but he was pretty ready to talk about them. The only thing she managed to avoid was Amelia and Maggie, which were both readily living in her house.

Or were.

She didn't really know where either of them stood.

Alex was her main focus. One of her main focuses, at least.

Her mind ended up drifting to Nathan more times than she could count and she had half a mind to call him. No matter how times her finger hovered over his name in her phone she didn't. She knew what to do. Deep down Meredith always knew what to do no matter that she rarely actually made the decision to do that.

Three kids and a rocky past didn't make her as wise as it probably should have. If anything it seemed to make her far more prone to making mistakes that got her in binds that she just couldn't figure a way out of. Not without creating more of a mess.

But the more she thought on it the more she seemed to move in circles. At least until the knock at the front door pulled her from her thoughts completely. When she rose from the couch and saw it was Owen on the opposite side of the door, leaving her puzzled.

"Is Amelia here?" He asked.

Meredith shook her head. "No." She was entirely sure that wasn't the answer that he wanted to hear, and the way he exhaled proved as much. She'd seen that look on his face before. Long time ago. Something that felt like it was near a lifetime.

"She's gone. She left. Me."

"What?" She couldn't hide the puzzled look on her face as she moved to let him in her house.

As Owen walked through the threshold she took the letter he handed her. She kicked the door shut behind her as she read it. Meredith was quite surprised to see that Amelia actually left. Gone. Mostly, she found herself worried about Owen, which easily told her where her loyalties lied. She watched as his marriage to Cristina fell apart, she watched as he struggled to move on when Cristina left, he saw the ups and downs of what he already went through with Amelia. He deserved more than to have another marriage fall apart on him.

Meredith watched as Owen walked over to the seat on the couch as she took a moment to call Amelia. Not that she answered and not that Meredith expected her to. It was difficult to wrap her mind around...the fact that Amelia just left. For everything that happened she managed to stay, but instead, she was gone. What could have happened between the two of them she felt she needed an out? A question she could probably answer if she ever bothered to listen to her.

"What happened between you two?" Meredith questioned as she took a seat next to him.

"I don't know. One moment we were trying for kids and the next she's just screaming she doesn't want a baby. She's not talking at all. She just shut me out. Then she's just gone. She took her stuff and left."

"She'll come back."

Owen looked over at her. "How did this happen to me twice?"

"I don't know, Owen. I wish I had an answer for you." And she did. She really did. She couldn't imagine what would make her leave. It wasn't just her marriage she left behind. It was her family. It was her career. The only thing she hoped was Amelia wasn't spiraling out of control somewhere. They had their differences, but the last thing she wanted was for something to actually happen to her.

"She doesn't want to be found. I should just…"

"I'll call her sisters. See if they know anything."

"Thanks." Owen nodded.

"But you can't go all dark and twisty. I'm hogging all that."

"I'm drinking your liquor then."

"You and me both."

Seemed like they were both going to need it. Meredith got them both a drink and just found her seat back on the couch. It wasn't exactly typical of her and Owen to ever just hang out and drink, but she didn't really have anyone else to talk to. That and she didn't really want to be alone. A common theme in her life. Through everything she never actually wanted to be sitting there in silence and mulling over all her thoughts as if they were going to give her some magical answer. They never did.

But when she opened her eyes after taking another sip of the tequila she loved way too much and saw Alex standing there before her, dropping his stuff on the couch...she could barely understand that whatever was right before her was reality.

"You guys could have at least waited for me." Alex said as he plopped himself right in the middle of Meredith and Owen.

Meredith tried her best not to smile, but it didn't work out. She only handed him the bottle. "Could have been waiting two years."

"Well now I'm here. I didn't take the plea. It's whatever."

The importance of the entire thing wasn't lost on her and she was ever so grateful to actually see him. "Thank you."

"What's Hunt doing here?"

"Amelia's gone." Owen answered before taking another swig.

"Gone gone?"

"Gone gone." Meredith confirmed. "I already called her."

"Yeah, well she likes me more than you." Alex said and pushed himself off of the couch to call her himself.

Both Meredith and Owen watched as he called, only to get the same result as they each did. "I'll try again later." Alex said before taking the bottle from Meredith's hand and taking a long sip of it.

If someone told her that the night would have ended with both of her sisters gone or mad and she would have been drinking in silence with Alex and Owen she would have laughed at them. She had half a mind to call Cristina and show her the mess while filling in all of the little details. When both the boys were drunk and passed out on the couch she might. Until then she was happy focusing on her tequila and wondering when Maggie was going to show up.

Not that Maggie ever did. Meredith ended up dragging herself off to bed while Owen found himself resting on the couch for the night, and Alex took back his room since Amelia was gone for the foreseeable future. By the time she actually got downstairs the next morning Owen was gone and Alex was rushing her out of the door.

"Come on, Mer. The kids were faster than you this morning." He called as he unlocked the car door.

Meredith rolled her eyes as she got into the car and adjusted herself. "I can come by after my surgery this morning. It's no problem."

"Don't worry about it. You don't need to be there. It's just opening statements."

"You don't have to do this alone. I'm here for you." She said as she looked over at him.

"Nothing is going to happen and you need to fix your crap with Maggie."

"She's not talking."

Alex rolled his eyes. "So make her listen to you. Tell her you're sorry or whatever. Actually try and sound sincere."

"I will. Don't give me that look. I'll apologize. I shouldn't have even told you."

"But you did."

When the car stopped Meredith was all too happy to get out of the car. "Don't crash my car."

"Don't kill anyone."

With a roll of her eyes she shut the door and found herself walking up the set of stairs. Only to see Nathan coming out of the corner of her eye. She wasn't surprised when he came and walked next to her.

"You okay?" He asked.

"Alex didn't take the deal. His trial starts today."

"You gonna go?"

"No." Not that she sounded all that convincing and really, she did want to be there to support him. "Alex said not to worry about it and he has my car."

"You can take mine."

"Do you just let anyone use your car?"

"Nope." Nathan shook his head, a smile finding him as he looked over at her. "That's why you should take the offer and say 'thank you, Nathan. I appreciate it.'"

"You're going to milk this. aren't you?"

"Oh, totally." Nathan nodded as he opened the door for her.

Meredith rolled her eyes as she walked through the door. "Thank you, Nathan. That's all you get."

"You're welcome, Meredith." He took the keys out of his pocket and tossed them to her. "I'm already late. Try not to keep me stranded her all night, yeah?"

"I make no promises."

Meredith took the keys and dropped them into her bag as she moved to the check the board before changing. Her one surgery turned into two, which wasn't unusual. Most nights she would go home and the next day she would go into work to find her surgeries piling high with both hers and whatever Bailey thought she could handle, only to not be able to handle it in the end.

After changing she took one of the interns in and worked on her first surgery, which went well. It was the second surgery that ran into a complication and caused her to be in the operating room for an hour longer than she wanted to be. It was the traffic that caused her to be a lot later than she wanted to be. Even if Alex said she didn't need to be there...she wanted to be there to support him.

Plus, sometimes getting what happened out of him was near impossible.

Given she was a doctor and not a lawyer...she found it all too difficult to really find out what was happening. One moment it seemed fine and the next moment it didn't. If only she could know what the people on the jury were thinking. In the end, it was them who would make or break Alex's case. She'd been there with Callie before.

Guilty or not guilty.

Nothing anyone could control.

"Are you doing okay?" Meredith asked once the judge called a recess for lunch.

Alex shrugged. "What happens happens. Nothing we can do. How'd you get here?"

"Riggs let me borrow his car."

"He let you borrow his car."

"Yes." Meredith crossed her arms. "He let me borrow his car."

"Guys don't just let you borrow their car for no reason."

"I'm not sleeping with him."

"I didn't ask."

"You let me borrow your stuff." The argument was thin but she couldn't help herself.

"Because you force it out of me. Plus, you've already seen my junk."

"True." Meredith nodded. "Not interested."

"If I was a lesser man I'd be offended."

"Too bad you're a good guy then. A good guy who is going to come out of this not guilty." Meredith reinforced before her pager went off. A heavy sigh came from her. She loved her job but in moments when she needed to be elsewhere she didn't love her job that much. "I gotta go. Are you going to be okay?"

"Adults pay for the crap they do."

"You're gonna be okay."

"Just go. I don't need you to hold my hand." Alex waved her off.

Meredith looked back at him for a moment before walking off and made her way back into the hospital. A bad day for her to need to do an emergency surgery and spend half the day in the OR. Her focus taking so much time everything around her seemed to fall around her. Including the fact that she forgot she had the keys to Nathan's car until she saw him standing in the hallway, looking at her with that stupid smirk, on his face.

"I meant to page you." Meredith tried to hide the sheepishness in her voice but probably failed.

"It's only been about an hour."

"Sorry."

"How'd it go?" He changed the subject.

"Court or surgery?"

"Both."

"Patient's living and Alex is…." Meredith shrugged as she filled out the tablet with updated patient information. "He's Alex. He's not going to let me be there and he is going to insist he is fine. He is not fine and I will be there. We will drink a lot of tequila and this will all be over sooner rather than later."

"Have you talked to Maggie?"

"No," she shook her head. "I'm avoiding her."

"I'm glad I pissed off my boss. It's made for a great day."

For that she gave him a sympathetic look. "I should have told her."

"We should have."

"This is not a we."

"We're not a we but there were still two people in that car. So, we, should have told her." Nathan said. "And may I remind you you kissed me last night."

"Error in judgement." She said as she handed the tablet to the nurse. "The whole thing has been a giant error in judgment that's ruined everything."

"Am I just an error in your judgement? Get bored and sad find Nathan to make yourself feel better for five minutes. You know how to charm the guys don't you, Grey?"

"That's not…"

"I have to meet Owen."

Meredith knew she messed up the very moment that the words came out of her mouth. If she hadn't she could clearly see the look on his face. She'd been doing her best to keep things...moving. She wanted things to end differently, but it never seemed that they did. She didn't want them to end at all actually. The words came out of her mouth and they were wrong. All wrong. Timing was the problem. Not him.

"Nathan…"

"Can I have my keys?

"They are in my bag." She said, turning to look at him. "Nathan can you just stop."

"What? You know you've put me through Hell because you were Owen's friend and then we're here. I never know if you're...into me or if this is some...I just don't know." He put hands up and just turned around again.

"I'm…" Meredith ran her hands over her face. The logical thing would for her to go after him, but when did she ever really do the logical thing? "Goodnight."

Meredith stood there until she knew he would be gone. She just didn't want to deal with him and Maggie. Everything was a mess and on some level she was probably pushing him away for a reason. Only she didn't want to think about any of that. Instead she focused on getting her stuff and meeting Alex downstairs. Home. She wanted to go home.

"You look like hell." Meredith said as she got in the car.

"So do you."

"I screwed everything up." Something she didn't want to admit to but did anyway. She was grateful when Alex didn't ask more. Probably because he had his own stuff to deal with.

"Drink?"

A drink sounded perfect and was what she intended on making a b line for the tequila only to see Maggie sitting on the floor playing with the kids. Maggie looked up at them both but didn't say anything. She couldn't tell if she was mad at her and Alex, or just enough for her. Probably just her.

"Maggie.." She started but the minute she did she got off of the floor and picked up Bailey, grabbing Zola's hand.

"Tonight you're going to put to bed by Aunt Maggie. Sound good?" She asked the kids, looking at them.

"Yes!" Both Bailey and Zola said at the same time.

"Good. Say night to mama."

Meredith smiled at both of her kids and waved. A long day that turned into a late night where she didn't get to spend any time with her kids. "I'm going to bed." She said and ignored the way Alex called her name as she made her way up the stairs to find Ellis. All she wanted to do was hold her baby.

Quietly entering the room she grabbed her daughter from the crib and took a seat in the rocking chair. Her kids brought her a peace no one else could. Not even tequila managed to make her think anything was okay. When she looked down at them it was easy to realize that she wasn't completely screwing everything up. She was doing her best.

"I hope you have your daddy's brains. And his hair. But his brains." She whispered as she slowly rocked them both in the chair. Ellis didn't even stir as she spoke. Sweet little girl. "There's a guy who is not daddy and mommy is scared and tired, and ruined everything with Maggie and Nathan. Mama doesn't know what to do." Her hand brushed over the blonde hairs on her head. "I like you because you don't talk back."

Meredith just sat in silence for a little while and held her daughter. Only to end up falling asleep in the chair until little Ellis stirred and Meredith put her back in her crib before making her way to her bed. The exhaustion was something she was grateful for so she didn't need to overthink anything. Instead she barely made it out of her work clothes before falling asleep.

After that her days felt as if they fell into a little routine she wanted nothing to do with.

She went work. She made sure Alex was okay. She tried her best to be there for him. He never let her. She avoided everyone and anyone.

Her kids were her main focus and she just told herself that was where she needed to be. She didn't have time for all of the little extras. It was true, in a way, but she could also feel the misery setting in. Meredith had never been the most open of people, but she also knew that keeping everything bottled up inside of her didn't do her any good.

She tried talking to Cristina but they were in a never ending cycle of voicemails.

She loved Alex, but she wished Cristina was there, too.

No such luck.

It was the day before Thanksgiving before she felt the pressure starting to be a little too much. As if someone could drop a pin and the whole world was going to end up exploding. With her luck it was something that was very possible.

"Stay at work. I don't need you there." Alex told her as she was getting out of the car.

"Alex."

"No, look I need you to fix things with Maggie. With Amelia gone she's the only sister you have, and figure out whatever you want with Riggs. Because he seems an alright guy who is into you. I don't know what's going to happen and neither do you, but you can't just avoid everything until it's too late." He paused, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel.. "You think after this long I don't know what it looks like when you're scared."

Meredith half stepped out of the car until she heard Alex's voice again.

"Izzie wasn't my one true love and Derek wasn't yours. Because there isn't just one. I blew it with Jo, but don't blow with this guy because you're worried about something that might never happen."

"Bad things happen." Was the only rebuttal she had and hated how well he read her.

"Yeah, bad things happen. But if I go to jail. You need people and right now...I'm all you've got."

"I'll be fine." Meredith didn't bother to listen for Alex's reply. Instead she slammed the car door and walked into the hospital. She kept her tradition of not bothering to actually talk to anyone. Instead she focused on her surgeries and made sure she only had a bit of time to actually get something to eat. She knew how petty and childish it was, but sometimes Meredith could be just that.

At least until she got paged for a consult and there went her lunch break.

"Shepherds' run." She said as she stopped next to Owen, leaning against the counter.

"Excuse me?" He asked as he turned to look at her.

"When things get hard. They run. Derek took off more than once. He came back."

"Is this supposed to make me feel better?"

Meredith shrugged. "It's supposed to give you hope. You look like you need some hope."

"What's supposed to give him hope?" Nathan asked as he moved to stand on the opposite side of Owen.

"The fact that it's a Shepherd family trait to bolt when things get hard." Owen stated but the dismissal of the whole thing was clear in his voice.

"No word from Shepherd?"

"Nothing." He shook his head before getting called for a consult. "Grab another drink?"

Nathan nodded. "I'll see you mate."

Meredith looked at Nathan. She should have left but she hadn't. Not quite yet. Instead she thought of everything that Alex said. It wasn't as if he was wrong, but she already saw how much of a mess she made with everything. His refusal to even look at her told her everything she needed to know.

She wondered if she would ever truly be able to move on...to fully accept that there was no reason to feel guilty. Derek died and there was nothing anyone could do to bring him back. He wanted her to be with someone if he died. Not that he would have expected for him to actually die, but reality hit hard. She was a widow and she could either sulk in that or figure out something.

"How could you not have told me? I told you about my entire marriage. I actually asked you if you were seeing someone." April's voice broke through as she filled the empty space that Owen left.

"What?" Meredith asked as she looked at April.

"You two." April looked between them.

"You know?" Meredith sighed, only to be ignored.

April kept her gaze on Nathan. "More than once."

"There's nothing to tell, Keps. Leave it alone." Nathan dismissed.

"Nathan."

"Nothing but a mistake." He said and handed over the tablet to one of the nurses before walking off.

"Wow. The only thing that gets him like that is Owen. And you apparently." April said and turned to Meredith.

They had been friends who spoke about things once. April was there when she had her miscarriage but somewhere along the lines they grew apart. That was what happened in that hospital. Friends with someone for a little while before life happened. "I messed up and he's mad at me."

"Clearly."

"You coming to my house tomorrow?"

"Yes," April nodded. "And don't worry. I'm cooking. We're not eating anything you made."

Meredith smiled. "See you tomorrow."

By the time the next day actually arrived Meredith was glad that she was going to have some time to breathe. She got up and stayed out of the kitchen while she played with her kids in the living room. The house full of people was not exactly something she was all that interested in, but that was because her people skills weren't all that great.

Most people were in the kitchen, only Jackson had actually managed to join her on the couch. Not that there was all that much separation in her house since they knocked the wall down.

"April is helping Alex and Maggie. She insisted because you can't cook to be here to make sure you don't cook." Jackson said as he got comfortable and stole her remote.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "I'll stay out of the kitchen then."

"You wouldn't be avoiding anyone?" He asked as he flipped on the football game.

Meredith pulled Ellis into her lap as she played with the toy. "Did April tell you?"

"We talk a lot now that we're not married. It's a little weird." Jackson stated and shrugged. "You and the army guy?"

"That's…" She turned to Bailey and Zola. "Go ask for a snack." She waited until they were done before she turned to him, "nothing…"

"Maggie wouldn't agree."

Yeah, okay. She didn't want to talk about it. "As of yesterday it's nothing."

"He's an ass."

The knock at the front door caused her to get up. She was pretty sure Jackson only said that to make her feel better and it did. With Ellis on her hip she answered it and was greeted with the faces of Owen and Nathan.

"April said something about pie and to get here early." Owen greeted and held the pie out as some kind of proof.

"She's in the kitchen." Meredith said as she stepped aside. "Be careful of the kids. If they see that pie they'll want pie, and I won't get them to eat anything healthy."

"Thanksgiving isn't for healthy." Jackson called out.

"Shut it, Avery."

"I thought it'd be weird if I didn't come and Hunt was pretty insistent. I guess we're friends now." Nathan said as he watched Owen move to the kitchen, lowering his voice.

"It's fine." she said and moved back to the living room. "I don't even like Thanksgiving."

"You usually have people at your house." Jackson noted, looking at her.

"This year I'm avoiding my own kitchen, last year I was pregnant while my husband was dead, the year before that I kicked Derek to DC." Safe to say the holidays didn't really do her that much good.

"Don't look at me I've been in the middle east." Nathan said as he looked at the game on the television.

"Either my mother or you guys. Do any of you wanna spend Thanksgiving with Catherine Avery?" Jackson inquired as he look between them, already knowing the answer.

"No offense and all but I don't want to talk to your mom ever." Meredith shrugged as she lifted her baby and hear the giggle fill the living room.

"She just meddles in everything." Jackson groaned. "She's back on her Avery foundation baby destiny. Harriet is only a few months old/"

"Before you know it they're walking and talking." Meredith returned and looked over at her kids in the kitchen who were eating things she would scold Alex for later.

As the silence fell over them Meredith couldn't help the way she looked over at Nathan. There was so much she wanted to say, yet, none of the words ever came out. Not that she really knew how to find them or what to say. He should have probably found a happiness elsewhere, with someone who wasn't as complicated as she was.

Once the kids were done eating she moved and took them out in the backyard so they could play., leaving Ellis in her pack n play in the kitchen with Harriet.

"I can leave if you want." Nathan said as she sat down next to her.

"That'll be more awkward than if you never showed up in the first place." Meredith looked over at him.

"This whole house is awkward. You have Kepner and Avery all divorced in their fake happy. You're avoiding your own kitchen. Maggie probably wants to kill us both. And if Hunt was anyone else I'd think he was one step closer to living in a bottle. You're out here avoiding everyone."

"I'm not avoiding. I'm watching my kids so they don't eat dirt and stuff." Okay she probably could have come up with anything better but it was so hard to think when he was there.

"I'll leave you alone."

Meredith put her hand on his arm to keep him from moving. "When are you going to stop being mad at me?"

"I'm not mad at you, Meredith."

"You're acting like it."

Nathan turned to look at her. A little too close for comfort, yet, nothing she wanted to be without. "When I look at you I wonder why. Why were you the one that caught my attention. It felt like instant. Like something pulled to me you. I think about you all the time. It's bloody maddening."

Meredith pulled her hand back and settled it in her lap. She took a brief moment to see her kids were in their own little world. Really, they should have had the conversation elsewhere, but there they were.

"I don't know if you make it difficult because that's who you or something else. I'm mad I'm not mad. I'm mad I'm sitting here and all I want to do is kiss you...that I don't care about Maggie's feelings right now, or how all I do is listen about Owen and Shepherd, without being able to talk about you. I give Hunt crap advice when all I'm thinking is how much I would rather spend my night with you. It's been so long since I've had moments where I don't think of Megan. You gave me that."

His voice grew softer as he grew closer. She could feel his breath on her lips and she understood just how maddening it could. How the desire just built inside of her and she wanted the same things. When she looked at him she didn't think of Derek and that scared her. It scared her so much she was afraid that she might forget him.

"Maybe I was in my own head. I want you, Meredith Grey, but I think you don't want me. So I'll let that go." Nathan pulled away and stood up. "Just try not to tell everyone it was a mistake. Guy likes to keep some of his ego."

Meredith remained frozen and didn't move until she knew he was inside. Nothing was how it was supposed to be. She didn't even have the chance to tell him he was wrong. Maybe it was for the better. It gave her time to figure everything out, and hopefully he wouldn't find some second love of his life in the meantime.

If he did it wasn't meant to be. Not that she believed in that destiny crap or whatever.

Meredith stood and moved through the kitchen. "I'll be back. Someone watch the kids for a bit."

"We got it." April nodded in her fury of messes Meredith didn't want to know.

"Mer." Alex called but she kept on walking.

Meredith grabbed her keys and found herself in her car. She knew exactly where she was going and didn't dare do anything until she was there. It wasn't a place she'd ever been since they actually buried Derek. It felt so long, yet, so short since that event happened. Since then she had a baby that he would never get to know, and she spent too long in a hospital bed recovering from an attack. They seemed as if they were small things in the grand scheme of the twists her life took, yet, she knew they were also big things.

A deep breath was let out as she stopped in front of where she remembered being so long ago. The flashes of the funeral came to her mind. Her poor kids who knew something was wrong, but were hardly old enough to understand. Not truly. Zola missed Derek the most, the one out of the three who could feel his absence, but she would grow and these years of her childhood would be something she only remembered in flashes.

Just like her own childhood.

She wasn't really sure how long she was standing there, fiddling with her hands, thinking about how she should have went home. They were probably calling her but she left her phone in the car. It felt rude to bring it with her.

"This is stupid because I'm pretty sure you can't even hear me, and even if you can you can't answer me. I just had to get out of that house." She looked down at the stone, looking at the name printed on it. Derek Christopher Shepherd. It felt so weird to have his name there, almost as if was mocking her. "You know, I really hate you for leaving me. You wanted a lifetime and I got a few years, in which it feels like we fought more than I remember us being happy." She breathed, the sad revelation almost too much for her. "And you left me with your stupid sisters I don't like and my sister who...Our kids miss you. Ellis doesn't even know you, but Zola misses you. I think Bailey was too young to understand. Still too young to understand. I miss you."

Somehow she felt even more like an idiot as she stood there and spoke. It was dumb. As dumb as the time she tried to talk to him in the chapel. She might as well have spoken to her mother in one of the operating rooms.

"I did something stupid. Someone. You were supposed to be the end, but you aren't. Or maybe I should just be curl up like Ellis. Maybe not the best idea. Owen and Amelia got married. Months ago, actually. Penny left. Amelia did, too, for that matter. I'm avoiding your other sisters. I don't have any of the answers anymore. I thought I did, but I just feel...lost. I don't know what my life is supposed to be."

She took a step forward and allowed her fingers to move across his name.

"Bailey is Chief of Surgery now and I look at her...it was always her goal. Is that my goal? Or should I do a trial or find some research to do? I don't know. I feel stuck, but happy, almost. I'm not unhappy. I'm not unhappy right now, but in general, I'm not unhappy. I like my job. We have our beautiful children. I feel like there should be more. It's your fault. You believed I could do more and I still haven't paid up."

Which there were a myriad of reasons for that and she didn't know. She just didn't know anything.

"You once told me if something happened to me you didn't want me to be alone." She finally spoke as the clouds covered her and it looked so close to raining down upon her. "I don't know if you meant that. I shouldn't talk to you about that." But she was going to do it anyway. "There's a guy and he cares about me a lot. I hurt him. I know that. He's not you. No one will be you. But sometimes I look at him and I think he's as sad as I am. He lost someone, too. I don't think you'd like him. I didn't even like him, but he grows on you."

Why was it all so complicated?

"I don't even think you can hear me so I'm just standing out here like an idiot on Thanksgiving talking to a stone like an idiot. Apparently an idiot who just keeps using the word idiot"

And then it started to rain.

She stood out there for a while longer. Letting go of Derek was something she needed to do and it was something she was prepared to do as the rain soaked her. As if she was being cleansed.

She just needed to be Meredith Grey and figure out what the hell she wanted.

Not Meredith with Derek's shadow.