For context purposes this deals with the case from 13x14
Things with Meredith were good. It was that simple. Meeting her kids went well. From there on Nathan spent more time with both her and them, blending himself into the life she created. Sometimes he spent the night and other times he snuck out when he woke up in the middle of the night. It was easier than having to explain to them why he was there. He quickly learned that kids picked up on absolutely everything, especially the stuff they weren't supposed to pick up on. It all resulted in a few amusing encounters.
He'd been working late nights for the past few days when his surgeries ran long, picking up cases that Maggie either didn't like or was in a surgery of her own. Meredith's surgeries were early. It felt as if they were always missing each other. With her having the kids it wasn't like she could just come over when he got home, and waking up an entire house of people didn't seem smart.
They just had to manage without seeing each other.
They had...just barely. He didn't want to admit how much he missed being around her. It was ridiculous really. He finally managed to catch a break and her name wasn't on the O.R. board for another few hours. The window. Until he was in the pit finishing up the last of his paperwork and a patient walked in. Both he and Maggie ended up on the case and his whole day spiraled from there.
That morning when he went into work he didn't really expect all of the things he normally avoided to be pulled to the surface by a patient. Claire . By Claire. The poor girl just out there and her parents believing she was dead. The memories were impossible to run from and by the day's end he was truly amazed he was able to keep it together at all. He figured since he hadn't actually cried it counted as managing to keep himself together.
The minute the day was over he found himself getting out of there, feeling suffocated by the hospital walls and all of the people in them. He sent Meredith a text that he would see her tomorrow, or at least they would try for tomorrow. Scheduling hadn't been on their side.
He needed the night alone, to wallow, to feel guilt and sorrow, to wish things were different without having to look at Meredith while the thoughts ran through his head. It made him feel worse. There were moments when he thought about Megan being there, it meant he wouldn't have Meredith. He figured she probably wished he was Derek sometimes. They were even.
Nathan wasn't sure just how long he managed to sit outside the hospital on the bench. He didn't pay attention to his surroundings, didn't pay attention to anything, to anyone. It was endless thoughts of Megan that managed to flow through his mind. She'd been in his orbit for as long as he could remember and then one day she wasn't. His own fault, he never let himself forget that much. He took for granted just how she was there, always. From the moment he met Owen she was everywhere.
They both had their fair share of trials and moments when they were at odds but in the end, it was always Megan. Sometimes she annoyed him so much all he wanted was five minutes of peace. He would audibly groan and she would only talk more, about anything, everything , and he just had to escape so he could get some peace. He'd give anything to hear her speak again. Just one moment where he could see her again, even if she was crying, yelling, if she hated him and wanted nothing to do with him. He just needed one last moment where he could take her in and commit it all to memory. Just one last time in which he knew it was the last time he would see her, touch her, hold her. Just one last time.
He never would get any of that.
It was only when his phone rang in his hand with a call from Meredith did he manage to realize he was still sitting outside of the hospital. He was certain Maggie told her but didn't bother to answer the call. He didn't really want to talk to Meredith about it. She had her own issues with Derek and he had his own issues with Megan. In the end, everything would go back to normal and he would smile around Meredith. She would be the one he focused his life on and did his best to piece everything back together. That was another day. He just needed one night where he focused on the Nathan and Megan part of him that he kept so secured from everything else.
He just needed to feel.
Walking into his apartment the emptiness of it struck him. It was cold, unfeeling, as if no one lived there, bare. It had everything he needed but it still felt as if it was so damn empty. Meredith's house was filled with all kinds of stuff from her and everyone that lived there. Owen's house didn't feel stone cold. His was just empty, like he was empty, a vague feeling he managed to have, fighting something inside of himself as he tried to piece together everything.
As he looked around he tried to remember what the place he and Megan shared looked like it.
Warmer than his apartment probably. The place was long behind him. He couldn't manage to stay in it when she was gone and no point in keeping something neither would ever return to. It didn't take him long to realize he would never see her again.
He dropped his stuff on the floor by the door and walked directly on over to his room and into the closet. It struck him just what that said about keeping his Megan related things in the closet in boxes that made her seem so insignificant when she was such a large part of his life. It all had to deal with moving on. When he moved back to Seattle and saw Owen every single day it seemed as if he was sent back so many moments, only to propel himself forward with what exactly he was doing with Meredith. They were both moving forward and he really didn't think he could handle moving backwards.
The box he was looking for was the last box in the corner. He grabbed it and dusted it off, too long since he last saw it, walking back to the kitchen and setting it down on the island. It wasn't everything he had that she left her mark on but it was the things he considered most important. Said something else the way he tried to keep it as much out of a sight as he could.
Staring at it for a few moments he grabbed the bottle of bourbon he rarely drank from that resided on the top shelf. He needed something stronger that night with the way everything flooded and overwhelmed him.
Of course, he would never be over Megan but he thought he was further along than he was. He felt like he was a wreck barely holding himself together. He wanted to break, more than anything, to just let it all out, but he didn't. He held himself together, he swallowed everything so completely that it felt like it hurt. He physically hurt.
A glass wasn't on his list of a priorities as he took a swig from the bottle. A little liquid courage to open the box from parts of his life. He dumped the contents onto the granite, keeping his gaze on it as if it was going to slip away from him.
They had some really happy moments. Some moments that made him think life couldn't get any better. She made him laugh and smile like no one else had. He was different as he stood there, not quite the guy who laughed and smiled in copious amounts. It wasn't the war that made him serious like it had Owen, it was the loss of Megan that broke something inside of him that he wouldn't ever get back. He never bothered trying. Before Meredith he didn't bother trying. He didn't need to.
Just like he didn't need to focus on all of the bad moments he and Megan had. What good was it going to do? What good was thinking about all of the stupid and serious fights they had? The ones where they were both yelling so loud all he could think do was kiss her. The ones where they were both so silent it made his heart ache and he knew better than to even dare to look at her. The ones where she said things she swore she didn't mean. None of that meant anything with her gone. It was pointless. The harsh realities of what their relationship only proved to make him better and Nathan didn't think he was allowed to feel better. He needed to sit with the loss forever.
It was the knock on the door that pulled him from the trance of thinking about Megan while looking at pieces of his past. He took another swig from the bottle before he went to answer the door, probably more surprised than he should have been to see Meredith standing on the other side of the threshold.
"Maggie sent me."
He had been ignoring Meredith's calls but since she was there he stepped aside for her to come in. "Do you want a drink?"
"No."
Nathan walked back to where he was standing previously in the kitchen. Any other night seeing Meredith was something he looked forward to, something he would have welcomed far more than he did as she watched him and he looked anywhere but her. He just wanted to be alone. "I'm fine." He spoke after a few moments, glancing up at her briefly.
"You're drinking straight from the bottle."
"It's my bourbon."
"You could use a glass."
A shrug rolled off his shoulders. "I don't want a glass."
"Okay."
Nathan took another swig from the bottle, maintaining eye contact. "You don't strike me as the type to always use a glass."
"I don't. Usually I'm upset but you're standing there saying you're fine."
"I am fine."
Meredith didn't say anything else as she moved to stand at his side. "What is all this?"
"Stuff from the war."
"You remember when you told me I didn't need to push you away? You don't need to push me away either."
"Pierce and I had this patient today. Claire . She had schizophrenia. Her parents thought she was dead but she was alive after twelve years. They weren't happy. They were, of course...their daughter is alive but she was out there the whole time and they just had no idea."
"You're thinking about Megan."
"Why do I even keep this stuff?" Nathan asked more to himself than to her, rummaging absently through it. "It's not like she's going to walk through and ask for it." He held up a necklace with a ring on the end. "When we got engaged I told her she didn't need to wear this. When we were working she didn't but she put it on the end of this necklace Hunt got her for her birthday one year. In our quiet moments she would put her ring on. We'd been fighting a lot in those last few weeks and after the cheating she just left in her stuff. I took it when I realized she wasn't coming back and I just keep it. What's the point though? She's not going to walk in and ask for it back. She'd tell me to go to hell." Nathan smiled as he so clearly hear her voice in his head.
"You don't need a reason to keep something."
"She should have had it on that day and she didn't because of me."
"Derek went back to D.C. to quit his job. If he hadn't left in the first place after I yelled at him to go he'd probably still be here."
"You don't get it any more than Pierce did." He didn't expect her to, not really. The stories were completely different. Everything was completely different. "She left because I cheated on her. She wanted to get away from me. I never saw her again. You don't know what that does to a person, Meredith. There's no body. There's no knowledge. There's nothing . What good does burying a damn box in the ground do? Nothing . It does nothing. It helps no one. It's just a damn box in the ground that means nothing. You don't know the shit I've seen over there and what I lay awake at night thinking what could have happened to her. You never recover from something like that." He never deserved to recover from something like that.
"Nathan..."
"No, don't do that. When you say my name I know you feel sorry and I don't want it. I don't need the sad, pity look. I have had enough of that for the last ten years. For all of Owen's crap at least he never felt sorry. It was a relief"
"Derek would have done the same thing. He would have let me go. That's not me feeling sorry for you. That's what I know and I wouldn't want him to torture himself like this."
"Are you over him?"
Meredith didn't reply but her look said everything.
"Exactly." It didn't bother Nathan but he thought the advice coming from her was a whole load of crap. He picked up one of the polaroids and showed it to her. "I hurt my shoulder and I took some time. Megan came with me, not immediately. We ended up in Latvia after Megan opened a book and it was the first country she saw. She had poor impulse control, we both did. We don't speak Latvian or Russian." Nathan smiled at the memory. "It didn't go too well but she loved it. We got lost in the middle of the night in a forest we shouldn't have been in. I knew I loved her then."
"Sounds like an adventure."
"Yeah, it was." Nathan thought better of sharing too much more with Meredith and took a drink. "She liked adventures. Did I ever tell you why we joined the Army?"
"No."
"Megan. Lots of reasons but Megan was so excited. Like we were going to Disneyland."
"Never expected to never get off the rides."
"Nope." Nathan focused on Meredith then, try to cleanse his mind of Megan. "You should go home."
"Do you want me to go home?"
The distance between them was nonexistent as he took a step forward, stroking her cheek with his thumb. "I don't know what I want."
"You? Major Nathan Riggs doesn't know what he wants? You've wanted me since you've met me."
"I like that... Major ."
"You don't seem like a sir."
Nathan laughed at that. "Please don't tell me there's a copy of Fifty Shades of whatever in your room."
"No, I don't need a terrible book to act out my fantasies."
"What are you fantasies?"
"Do you have your uniform?"
"Like a good military man?"
"Do you?"
"I do."
"One night you should surprise a girl."
"Okay." Nathan smirked. "And what about tonight?"
"You still haven't told me what you wanted."
He didn't really know what he wanted. He really did think that he had his life pieced back together but the day just sent him back. Meredith had been a staple in his life since he got to Seattle even when the two of them weren't together. She was someone he needed and wanted. If his story with Megan had a concrete end perhaps he wouldn't be a mess that he was, standing there, looking at her. "I want you but that makes me feel guilty when we're standing here with next to pictures of Megan and the engagement ring I gave her."
"We had sex in front of my post it note vows."
"I don't mean just sex." He lifted Meredith up so she was sitting on the edge of the island and moved to stand between her legs. "I've never been in a relationship with anyone but Megan. She was it. She was everything. I don't even know if she's actually dead. It's a different feeling."
"You're having the six week freak out."
"Is that even a thing?"
Meredith shrugged. "It is now."
"I'm not freaking out." If he was he wouldn't even be there with her. He'd of told her to leave. Being there with her did bring him some sense of peace no one had ever been able to give him. "It's just been a long day. I want to be here. With you."
Meredith picked up the necklace with the engagement ring. "What are you going to do with this?"
"What did you do with yours?"
"It's in a drawer. I never wore it."
Nathan took it from her and placed it in the box. Out of sight. Out of mind. "When you're gone everything you are fits into a box."
"There's always someone to remember you."
Nathan brushed his lips against Meredith's, the desire to escape everything real and true. "It's nice when you're being wise."
"I'm wise."
"Mm. I don't want to talk about them."
"What do you want to do?"
"I want to take off all of your clothes. You're breaking our no clothes rule." Nathan wasted no time in tugging her loose pants down from her body. "Progress."
"Is that all you want? My pants off? I have way more to offer."
Nathan didn't reply and unbuttoned her shirt, pushing it off her shoulders. She wasn't wearing a bra, less for him to fuss with. His lips brushed against her jawline, taking her in, his hands roaming her chest. It'd been less than a week since he'd found himself there with her but it felt too long. "Better. Too bad you have one pesky little article of clothing on. Best part, too. How am I supposed to taste you?"
"You have to earn that."
Nathan pulled her as closed as he could manage, enjoying her topless there before him. He couldn't keep his gaze off of her. Slowly his eyes traveled along her body before meeting her own, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear. He wasn't thinking about anything but her. "You seemed to enjoy it in the on call room. Were even late to your surgery." His fingers absently circled her nipple, feeling it harden beneath his touch. "Tugged at my hair, squirmed, had to put hand over your mouth to not have everyone in the hallway know. I think you might like that...when I have to keep you quiet."
"I recall none of this."
"None of it?" Not as if he actually believed her there. "Pity then. Some of my best work."
"You say that every time."
"You never deny it." He kissed at her neck, teeth grazing against her pulse. "You never deny anything."
"I'm denying you now."
"Then I guess I'll stop touching you." Nathan pulled his hands and lips from her and crossed his arms.
The pair stared at one another in silence. It would be a matter of time before one of them broke. It was just the question of who would go first.
It was Meredith, pulling at Nathan's sleeve and tugging him forward.
His hands were braced on the granite on both sides of her. The mood shifted near instantly. The sadness that overwhelmed him was replaced by something different. He was alive and so was Meredith.
"What do you want to do next?"
For a moment he thought about giving her the simple answer. Usually he went with it, muting some of his thoughts to have them both fall into the action. The action could wait. "Do you know what I want to do?" the question was soft as he ran his palms against her thighs, "I want to rip these off of you. I want to spread your legs and see just how wet you are. I love when you're like, spread open, me able to see every inch of you, glistening. It's, uh, there aren't really words for it. You flush. Just barely, your cheeks get all pink, and you bite down on your lip. Always. Without fail. Then I want to drop to my knees, find myself between your legs, your thighs, your cunt. You'll start humming them, the anticipation makes you hum. Biting and sucking on your thigh is when you start moaning, when my tongue runs along you is when you thread your fingers through my hair. That's what I want. I want to be on my knees as I lick you and you can't take it anymore, the teasing, you love it and hate it, then I just want you to take it for yourself. It's really hot when you just take what you want from me without any care in the world."
"Then what are you waiting for?"
He dropped to his knees, tugging her panties from her body as she moves from sitting, to leaning against the island, the removed garment finding a place in the pocket of his pants. "I'm keeping these." Something he'd of done in college but with Meredith he didn't care. The little pieces of her were things he wanted to keep. His hands slowly ran along her thighs, "Spread your legs."
When Meredith complied he gave a hint of a smirk at her. "I thought about this this morning. Spreading you legs, down on my knees, seeing how wet you are. I like when you are like this. I'd keep you like this if I could." He spread her legs further, just enough, barely touching her, ghosting his breath along her skin. His own arousal not lost on him, only ignored for the time being.
"You're talking too much." Meredith scolded, pushing his head towards her.
He could take a hint. Ghosting along her was no longer an option, nor a desire, not when it was clear just how much she wanted him. She was wet, soaked, a look he committed to memory each time he was around her. There was something in the thrill of the tease, seeing just how bothered he could get her before she got too frustrated and just made him go further. It didn't help he found the whole women in power thing totally hot. The soft whine that came from her made him smile that time, his tongue running along her center tasting her, teasing her, avoiding the spots of true pleasure. He enjoyed those moments, driving her mad, the moment when he could look up at her and know just what he looked at it flip of side of the way he loved looking down at her with his cock in her mouth.
He was slow at first, movements lazy, as if he was pretending he wasn't doing anything worthwhile at all, just being. He didn't leave an inch of her uncovered, even less so when he hooked her leg over his shoulder and he was exposed to her entirely. His tongue finds her clit just as his fingers make their way inside of her. Her moans filled his ears just as she would tug on his hair, a soft pleading she really didn't want him to know how much she liked it.
He knew just how much that was. Certainly when she, of her volition, took the pleasure he was offering. Took and took, rolling her hips against his mouth and fingers. He complied, all too easy, suckng and swriling, thrusting and curling, letting her be, letting her tug at him, letting her say his name to the point where it didn't even sound real anymore. He looked up at her as the orgasm rocked through her body. It was always a sight, something he usually took as a personal challenge to see how many times in one he could make that happen.
He pulled his fingers from her and licked them clean as he found himself standing. He needed her and held no desire to wait. Roughly grabbing her hip he spun her around, pushing her down so her chest was flat against the granite. It almost felt like a race as he tugged himself free from his pants, cursing himself for bothering to use a belt, even more annoyed how real clothes were harder to break free of than hospital scrubs.
Really, he should have had more self control. He shouldn't feel the desperate buzz throughout him to be inside of her, but it was there. It was there and he didn't bother waiting more than a second before slipping inside of her, biting down on his lip, the feel of her taking over his senses. Meredith pushed back against him and all he could do was smirk, gripping at her to keep her there.
"I already got off," she spoke as she looked back at him. "I would think you'd want to, too."
"Watching you squirm is worth the wait." Only for so long. When she moved back against him again the thought of not taking what he wanted was horrendous. He thought that getting laid on the regular would manage to calm him, but it seemed to do just the opposite. He wanted her all the time. She was warm and wet, tight and perfect, just everything his fantasies when he used his hand for pleasure in the shower wanted her to. Nothing about his movements were slow or soft. He just needed her. Didn't care about much else with the way he roughly moved against her, nothing controlled about him, moving on instinct, on desire, on passion.
His hand grabbed her hair by the first full and yanked her back towards him, her arm moving back to grab at him. Her moans got louder then, filling up the empty space of his apartment, Nathan holding onto her as they moved together in a mess of movements that made his body feel like it was burning from the inside out.
"Nathan, I'm…"
"Come for me, Meredith." He demanded, voice on the edge of a growl, in her ear.
The entire thing was quick. From the moment he slid inside of her to when she was telling him she was about to come again it was quick. Everything hitting them together, the last bit of control gone with the way she tightened around him, and he spilled himself inside of her..
"Thank you for coming over." He murmured in her ear, his touch along her body more gentle, once he managed to get some of his senses back.
"Do you feel better?"
"Content." Nathan kissed her shoulder. "Happy with you. I always manage to feel happy around you."
"I think that's the sex high."
"No, I'm really happy."
"Me too."
"I said to page Pierce." Owen's unhappy voice came as Nathan walked down to the pit.
April looked confused. "You said Cardio."
"Take this." Owen handed the file to April before brushing past them both.
"What was that?"
Nathan shook his head. "Nothing."
"It's something."
"You're going to keep asking?"
"Yes."
"It's Megan's birthday." A day he tried not to think much of and as the days leading into the weekend passed him by he didn't.
"Megan." April said the name, trying to place. "Oh, Megan . That makes sense."
"Yup." He didn't want to talk about it. "You needed a consult?"
"Yeah, bed two."
If the case had been interesting at least it would have given him something to do. It was pretty run of the mill and ended up not being surgical in the end. April kept that look on her face that meant she was going to ask questions he was not actually going to answer, which only led him to the attendings' lounge, pouring himself some coffee.
His eyes were in something of a near trance as the coffee poured. It only managed to remind him of his miracle dream. It came to him two nights before and there was just so much he couldn't manage to shake. A feeling he couldn't explain, one he didn't want to explain. It was just a dream he had a thousand times before and a dream he would probably have in the future.
He nearly jumped out of his skin when Meredith set her cup down on the counter next to him. "You scared me."
"Are you okay?" Meredith asked as she leaned over past him to fill her own cup.
"I'm fine." Nathan dismissed. "I have a surgery."
"You forgot your coffee."
"I don't want it."
Nathan kissed Meredith on the cheek before leaving the room. It wasn't that he was avoiding her but the moment came when thinking about Megan and Meredith got him all twisted inside. Things were so bottled up within him until the bottle started leaking and there was so little he could think of clearly. He just felt like so much of a mess that nothing make sense, nothing fit, it wasn't right.
He wasn't lying to her when he said he had a surgery. It proved to even out his mind, after he nearly broke the bar in half as he scrubbed in, thinking of being back in Iraq when he was younger and stupider.
What he didn't expect was Meredith to waltz right in.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm helping you." Meredith stated as if the answer was completely obvious. "Is this about Megan?"
"No." An obvious lie. "It's her birthday. Hunt is probably worse off. You should check on him."
"I'm checking on you. He was upset earlier. He'll be fine. You being here reminds him."
"I'll just run away back to the desert then," he bit out.
"That's not what I meant."
"I know. I'm sorry." He just needed to focus on the surgery. "I don't want to talk about it anymore."
"Dinner." Meredith obliged, changing the topic.
"What?"
"Tonight, dinner. With the kids. Did you forget?"
He had, kind of. "No, I'll be there."
"Okay."
"Could you close for me?" He didn't bother waiting for Meredith to answer and walked from the OR straight outside. "It's not funny if you're haunting me."
A patient looked at him but he just smiled and walked to a more secluded area, staring up into the nothingness. "I feel crazy. I'm sure they'll be admitting me to the psych ward in an hour. I know it's your birthday and I'd rather you be here but you're not. You're dead, if I'm realistic here. You're dead. I love you and you're dead. I know I messed up but I'm not messing up this time. I'm sorry, okay. I'm sorry. I said that to you before you left and you to told me to go to hell. But I still mean that….I'm sorry."
He really did sound insane. Probably looked worse. He didn't really think that she was haunting him. Hopefully she found peace. If anyone deserved to find some semblance of peace it was her.
His little outburst didn't change much but spending the night with Meredith and the kids did. She ended up burning during, which seemed to amuse the kids more than it disappointed them. Kids liked pizza and were seemingly used to Meredith burning things when Zola told him it happened more than she was willing to admit to him.
"They're asleep." Meredith said as she entered her bedroom where he was sitting on the edge of her bed. She didn't join him right away and instead grabbed something out of the drawer.
"What is this?"
"It's the post it."
Nathan took it from her hand and looked down at it, giving a small smile. "It's nice."
"Yeah, it was."
He handed it back to her and watched as she moved over to the closet. "What are you doing?"
"Come here."
"It's...a drawing of what I'm guessing to be a tumor."
"I'm going to give it to Amelia." Meredith paused and looked over at him. "Derek drew it. It's not that important. It's different for you, I know that. They're possessions. They don't mean much, not really. It's the memories, those are important. Some days are good and some are bad. We can move on together. You started this. You're not backing out on me now."
Nathan smiled and pulled her closer. "No, I'm not. So, a giant tumor?"
Meredith wrapped her arms around him. "It used to be above the bed."
"Better those the ugly pictures."
"Hey," she swatted him, "I won't let you stay over."
Nathan picked her up and carried her over to the bed, "You need to get better at lying."
"I'm plenty good, thank you."
Nathan stole a quick kiss. "You're not but you're pretty so I'll it slide."
"Thank you." She kissed him, rolling so she was on top of him. "The kids are asleep."
"Say no more."