Episode 3

Students sit in the Great Hall, eating lunch and socializing. Then, outside the room there is a loud scuffling noise followed by a series of grunts. Students pause, curious as to the source. Finally, the door opens, only to reveal branches and branches of fir tree.

The tree moves through the Great Hall, and although they can't see the two people carrying it through all the needles, the voices of Headmaster Dumbledore and Professor Snape are unmistakable.

Dumbledore: Go. Push!

Snape: Oh god.

Dumbledore: Push!

Snape: No, no, turn it around.

Dumbledore: Really shove it.

Snape: You'll break it.

Dumbledore: Shove it through! Don't break the branches, Snape.

Finally, they manage to get the massive tree to the front of the Great Hall, and they set it down on the floor

Snape: I got a splinter.

Dumbledore: Well, suck it up. We all have problems. (To the students) Hey, everybody, look what we have! Nice, huh?

Snape: I've got it leveraged. Push. Straight up.

Dumbledore: On three. Ready?

Snape and Dumbledore: (in unison) One, two, three.

They push the tree up and it breaks through the ceiling. Bits of rubble and dust drop from the ceiling.

Harry glances at the Camera sarcastically.

Dumbledore: Merry Christmas!

[Opening Credits - Upbeat music]

[Hogwarts: A Magical Workplace]

In the Great Hall, Hagrid is cutting the top of the tree off so that it will fit in the room.

Dumbledore: Did it work?

Hagrid holds up a piece of the tree he just cut off.

Hagrid: Well, sort of. Why did you get it so big?

Dumbledore: A, that's what she said, and B, I wanted it to be impressive. The biggest day of the year deserves the biggest tree of the year.

Hagrid: But what are we going to do with this hacked off part?

Dumbledore: Well, that is a perfectly good mini-tree, Hagrid. And we are going to sell that to charity. That's what Christmas is all about.

The next day, It's breakfast in the Great Hall. As students are eating, Dumbledore stands at the front of the room.

Dumbledore: Are we ready for the game?

Everybody: (half-heartedly) Yeah.

Dumbledore: Yeah, yeah. I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that, uh, dwarf from Lord of the Rings.

Neville: Gimli.

Dumbledore: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.

Neville: Just trying to be helpful.

Dumbledore: (in a nerdy voice) "I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword."

Harry: That's him.

The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: Today is the first Quidditch Match of the year. Gryffindor vs. Slytherin. And this particular match is very important because we on the faculty have a bet, and the teachers for the losing team has to clean Moaning Myrtle's toilet…

The Camera cuts to The Gryffindor common room, where Dumbledore gathers the Gryffindor students together before the match.

Dumbledore: OK, so, let's put together a starting line-up, shall we? Dean of course.

Dean: I'm sorry?

Dumbledore: Um, what do you play? Chaser?

Dean: Why "of course"?

Dumbledore: Uh...

Dean: What's that supposed to mean?

Dumbledore: Uh, I don't know. I don't remember saying that.

Harry: Uh, I heard it.

Dumbledore: Well, people hear a lot of things. Um... other starters... Oliver Wood.

Hermione: I'd like to play if it's just for fun.

Dumbledore: (ignores Hermione) Um... Yeah. Who else? We have Katie Bell. We have Harry, the new guy, right? Untested. Willing to prove himself now. A lot of passion, a lot of heart.

Harry: But, I'm getting extra credit for this right?

Dumbledore: Yes. Yes, this is a lesson. The, uh, lesson of team building and morale boosting.

Harry: OK.

Dumbledore: Uh, who else?

Seamus: I can help out, if you need me.

Dumbledore: I will use your talents come rugby season, my friend. Or if we box.

Ron: I have goals at my house.

Michael: No.

Hermione: I have a sports bra.

Michael: No, no, Riddikulus.

Neville holds up a wadded piece of parchment.

Neville: Dumbledore, look.

Neville throws paper at the garbage can. It sails over the can completely.

Everyone: Missed it...

Dumbledore: Close.

Wood: Sir, we already have a Quidditch team…me, Fred & George, Harry, Katie, Angelina, and Alicia.

Dumbledore: Oh, right. Can I be team captain?

Wood: No, I'm team captain.

Neville: Can I be team manager?

Dumbledore: No, I am the team manager. You can be assistant to the team manager.

Neville: Assistant team manager?

Dumbledore: No.

Down at the Quidditch field, the two teams enter. Dumbledore stands in the center of the field, about to start the match.

Dumbledore: (to Harry) Hey, there he is! Secret weapon!

Harry looks at the Camera helplessly.

Dumbledore: All right, guys, come on, let's bring it in! Here we go! OK, listen, this is just going to be a friendly game, right? We are all on the same team here, the Hogwarts team. Of course, if Slytherin beats Gryffindor, they're expelled… That's a joke. OK, let's do it.

Madame Hooch blows her whistle and the game starts.

Dumbledore: De-fense! (clap, clap) De-fense! (clap clap)

Angelina Scores.

Dumbledore: (to Snape) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! In, your, face!

A Slytherin player accidentally bumps into Harry, almost knocking him off his broom.

Dumbledore: Foul! Foul!

Slytherin: Sorry, I didn't mean to do that.

Dumbledore: What's your problem man? Gah, just clocking Harry for no reason?

Hooch: A penalty shot for Gryffindor…

Dumbledore: No, no, no, no. That was a flagrant, personal, intentional foul. Right there.

Slytherin: No, it wasn't.

Dumbledore: (mocking voice) Yes, it was. You know what, I'm just being fair.

Slytherin: No, I just put my arm up...

Dumbledore: Game over. Game over. That is it!

The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: I'm sorry, you know? I hate to do it this way but, you know, that's just... we were having a friendly game. It's a shame. This is a damn shame, but we're like a family here and that just, that won't fly.

The Camera cuts back to the game.

Snape: Wait, what does that mean? What is it, a tie? What's going on?

Dumbledore: Well, let's just say whoever was ahead won.

Snape: That was you.

Dumbledore: It was us? Really? I didn't, I didn't know. Great, I mean, I guess you guys are cleaning Moaning Myrtle's toilet.

Snape looks at the Camera, annoyed.

That evening, everyone is back in the Great Hall for the annual Secret Santa Christmas exchange. Snape addresses the room.

Snape: It is time to get your presents, wrap them, and place them under the tree like so. If you do not get your present wrapped and under the tree within the next five minutes you will be disqualified from Secret Santa. All right? No exceptions except Dumbledore.

The Camera shifts to Dumbledore talking to Quirrell.

Dumbledore: You get something good this year?

Quirrell: I th-think I did a pretty good job.

Dumbledore: Yeah? Who did you have?

Quirrell: Well, I can't tell you cause it's a s-secret.

Dumbledore: I think I got something pretty nice for my guy.

Quirrell: Yeah?

Dumbledore: I spent a lot of dough. Lot of dough. Wow.

Quirrell: Well, there's a l-limit of 3 Galleons, right? So...

Dumbledore: Yeah. I wanted this party to be really special so I sorta went above and beyond.

Quirrell: That's g-great. Well don't tell me who it is, cause I can-

Dumbledore: It was Harry. Yeah. I have Harry.

The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It's like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, "Hey, man, I love you this many Galleons worth."

The Camera cuts to the Great Hall, where everyone is opening presents.

Snape: All right, next. Harry.

Snape tosses the present to Harry. He unwraps it.

Harry: Whoa, an invisibility cloak.

Dumbledore: Whoa. Wow. Jeez. Somebody really got carried away with the spirit of Christmas. That was me, I got a little carried away.

Harry: Wasn't there a 3 Galleon limit on the gift? This is 60 Galleons.

Dumbledore: You don't know that.

Harry: Yeah, you left the price tag on.

Dumbledore: I did?

Harry: Yeah.

Dumbledore: What? Oh, shoot. Wow. Okay, well, who cares? It doesn't matter what I spent. What matters is that Christmas is fun, right?

Snape: Next is Dumbledore.

Snape hands Dumbledore a present.

Dumbledore: Oh hey, for me. What is in here?

He opens it to reveal a handmade oven mitt. His face is overcome with disappointment and anger.

Dumbledore: Oh, come on.

Hermione: I knitted it for you.

Dumbledore: An oven mitt? Okay. This sucks.

The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: So, Hermione is basically saying, "Hey Dumbledore, I know you did a lot to help the school this year but I only care about you a homemade oven mitt's worth." I gave Harry an invisibility cloak.

Hermione gets up and walks out of the room, holding back tears.

Dumbledore: What is she so upset about?

Quirrell: M-maybe because you hated her present so much.

Dumbledore: Come on! I got Harry an invisibility cloak!

Snape: You should have just bought a 3 Galleon gift like everyone else.

Dumbledore: Well, I didn't. I got a big bonus because I fired the last Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and I used the money to buy something awesome. Sue me!

McGonagall: You got a bonus check?

Snape: How much?

Dumbledore: It wasn't that much. It was 451 Galleons.

Snape: All right, I'm done now.

He gets up and leaves. The other teachers soon follow.

The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: Unbelievable. I do the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for these people and they freak out. Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.