Episode 4
Students are eating breakfast in the Great Hall. The Camera pans to Dumbledore as he enters. He walks past Harry and Hermione, and he catches the tail-end of their conversation.
Harry: Not much what's up with you?
Hermione laughs, shaking her head.
Hermione: Oh, I cannot believe I fell for that.
Dumbledore stops, intrigued.
Dumbledore: Ah, ah, ah, what? What? Where's the funny? Give it to me.
Harry: Umm, is it me or does it smell like up-dog in here?
Dumbledore: What's up-dog?
Harry: Nothin' much what's up with you?
Dumbledore laughs, a grin spreading across his face.
Dumbledore: Oh, oh, wow! I walked right into that. Oh, that's brilliant!
The Camera follows Dumbledore as he walks over to McGonagall, who is sitting at the table reading parchment.
Dumbledore: Hey, McGonagall, is that jacket made of up-dog?
McGonagall does not look up from the parchment.
McGonagall: I'm grading essays…
The Camera cut to Dumbledore standing with Quirrell. Dumbledore takes a sip of coffee from a mug.
Dumbledore: Mmm, what flavour coffee is that? Up-dog?
Quirrell: W-what's that?
Dumbledore: I don't know, nothin', what's up with you?
Qurirell: Huh?
Dumbledore: (under his breath) No, damn it!
The Camera cuts to Dumbledore and Hagrid.
Hagrid: What does that mean?
Dumbledore: What does what mean?
Hagrid: The thing you just said?
Dumbledore: Just forget it.
Then, Snape walks into the Great Hall. Dumbledore races over to him.
Dumbledore: Snape! Hey is it me or does this place smell like up-dog?
Snape: What's up-dog?
Dumbledore: Gotcha!
Dumbledore laughs, doubling over. He then pauses as he tries to remember the punchline.
Dumbledore: Crap! Nothin' how ya doing?
Snape: Good. How are you doing?
Harry turns to the camera with an amused look on his face.
Harry: (mouthing to Camera) So close.
Dumbledore: (under his breath) Damn it.
[Opening Credits - Upbeat Music]
[Title: Hogwarts, a Magical Workplace]
The Camera cuts to Dumbledore as he comes out of the bathroom. Snape sneaks up on him, startling him.
Snape: Dumbledore!?
Dumbledore: Oh! God. Snape, come on...
Snape: I wanted to talk to you about what happens if someone steals the Sorcerer's Stone.
Dumbledore: No one is going to try to steal the stone…
Snape: But if it were…we'd be protected at Hogwarts right?
Dumbledore: Look, look, look. I talked to the Ministry, about Hogwarts being safe, and they said they couldn't guarantee it would be, okay?
Dumbledore: But no one's going to try to steal the stone, so...
Snape: Bottom line. Do I need to be worried?
Dumbledore nervously shakes his head.
Dumbledore: Mmm…Maybe.
The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore
Dumbledore: It looks like there's gonna be an attempt to steal the Sorcerer's Stone. And it's part of my job to protect it, but... blah! I hate it.
The Camera cuts to the Great Hall. Quirrell is eating lunch when Snape sidles up to him.
Snape: Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance. 'Cause of the Sorcerer's Stone? I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know. Help each other out.
Quirrell glances at the Camera, eyes wide.
Snape: Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?
Quirrell: A-absolutely, I do.
Snape: Good, good. Excellent, OK. Now we need to figure out who's vulnerable and who's protected...
The Camera cuts to an interview with Quirrell
Quirrell: A-at that moment, I was so relieved. I mean, e-everything Snape does scares me. So finally, a way to get him off my b-back.
The Camera cuts to Dumbledore sitting in his office. There's a knock on the door.
Dumbledore: Come in.
McGonagall enters.
Dumbledore: Ah, McGonagall! Are those the student reports?
McGonagall: Yeah, uh, this is all of them.
A while later, Draco comes in for his review.
Dumbledore: Alright-o, Draco, let's see how you did.
Draco: Bring it on.
Draco starts to put a foot up on Dumbledore's desk
Dumbledore: No.
Draco: Sorry.
Dumbledore: Wow.
Draco: What does it say?
Dumbledore: Draco, your feedback is horrible.
Draco: That's impossible.
Dumbledore: A number of your teachers found your personal style abrasive and distasteful.
Draco: I suck up more than anyone.
Draco stands and reaches for the file, but Dumbledore keeps it away from him.
Dumbledore: No, no, no, no, no.
Draco: Wait, is this a joke? I'm getting that queasy feeling that sometimes accompanies jokes.
Dumbledore: Do I look like I am joking?
Draco: No, but that's sometimes part of it.
Dumbledore: If I were joking, you would be laughing. Do you look like you are laughing?
Draco: Impossible to say. I can't see myself.
Dumbledore: You're not.
The Camera cuts to Snape and Quirrell talking in the Potions classroom.
Quirrell: OK, h-here's the deal. All right? M-McGonagall says that one of the a-alliances is meeting in the R-room of Requirement.
Snape: Oh my God, we have to be there.
Quirrell: I know, b-but it's gonna be a little t-tough because there's no good place to h-hide there.
Snape: No no, yes there is. Behind the shelves. Oh my God.
Quirrell: What? What?
Snape: I know. I know exactly what to do.
The Camera cuts to Hermione and Harry in the Great Hall.
Hermione: Did you get your scores yet?
Harry: Nope.
Hermione: I got mine. They were really good.
Harry: You must be really proud.
Hermione: Yeah, pretty psyched.
Draco comes into the Great Hall and sits down, an angry scowl on his face.
Harry: How was your meeting with Dumbledore?
Draco: None of your business.
Harry: Was it your scores?
Draco: Those can't be my scores, Harry. For your information -
Harry: Mm-hmm.
Draco: I'm being sabotaged.
Harry: Of course.
Draco: And I'm going to find that person and punish them.
Harry: Absolutely. Or you could just be nice to your teachers and peers.
Draco: You're an idiot.
Harry: There's the charm.
Dumbledore comes into the Great Hall.
Dumbledore: Harry, let's do this thang.
Harry: That is me. Wish me luck.
Draco: No way.
The Camera cuts to Dumbledore's office. Harry sits across from Dumbledore as he opens Harry's report.
Dumbledore: Oh, come on.
Harry: What?
Dumbledore: You too?
Harry: Did my scores drop a little?
Dumbledore: Harry, they are a poopy.
Harry: Are we even sure that's my file?
Dumbledore: No.
He glances at it.
Dumbledore: Yes, I am sure, Harry. It -
Harry: Well, there's got to be an explanation.
Dumbledore: I agree.
Harry: Yeah.
Dumbledore: So let's see what we can find out from reading.
He pauses and reads.
Dumbledore: (reading from review) Harry Potter is smudge and arrogant.
Harry: I think you mean smug
Dumbledore points at Harry.
Dumbledore: Arrogance.
Harry: Dumbledore, I'm just trying to -
Dumbledore: And there's our smudgeness.
The Camera cuts to a classroom where Harry and Draco meet Dumbledore.
Dumbledore: Here's what's going to happen. I am going to have to fix you, manage you two on a more personal scale, a more micro form of management. Harry, what is that called?
Harry: Microgement.
Dumbledore: Boom! Yes. Now, Harry is going to be a professor. Draco, you're going to have to earn house points form him without being aggressive, hostile or difficult. Let's go.
Draco: All right, fine. (looks at Harry) Hello.
Harry: Hello?
Draco: Hello, I'm trying to earn house points for Slytherin
Dumbledore: (whispers) Ask him his name.
Draco: What is your name, sir?
Harry: I am Professor Bill Buttlicker.
Draco: Really, that's your real name?
Harry: How dare you? My family built this country, by the way.
Dumbledore: Be respectful, Draco.
Draco: Yes, Dumbledore.
Harry: Would you hold on one second? I have to reply to an owl.
Draco: What? No, but I -
Harry: (dictates as he writes the imaginary letter) I'm talking with this stupid student. He's so dumb. Probably just gonna keep him in class forever and not give him any house points.. Yeah, OK.
Harry pretends to send the imaginary owl.
Dumbledore: (to Draco) It's up to you to change his mind.
Harry: Sorry. That was a family emergency.
Draco: Oh, no. What's wrong?
Harry: You know what? That's private.
Dumbledore: Boundaries, Draco. Come on!
Draco: Sorry, Mr. Buttlicker. As I was saying, the Slytherin house has never been working harder-
Harry: Sorry, you're going to have to speak up a little bit louder. I'm hard of hearing.
Dumbledore: He's hard of - he's an old man. Let's go.
Draco: (talking slightly louder) OK, as I was saying, right now we have never been working harder-
Harry: You're gonna have to talk louder.
Draco: (talking louder) OK, our house has never been working harder.
Harry: Son, you have to talk louder.
Draco: (talking very loudly)...never been working harder!
Harry: Louder, son!
Draco: (shouting) Buttlicker! Our house has never been working harder!
Dumbledore: Stop it! Stop it!
Draco: He -
Dumbledore: That is totally inappropriate. You never yell at the professor. You never yell at the professor.
Harry: Now, you listen to me, son.
Dumbledore: Here we go.
Harry: The three words I would describe you as is aggressive, hostile and definitely difficult.
Dumbledore: Tap me in.
Draco: Please, Professor Buttlicker -
Harry: I'm irate right now.
Dumbledore: Tap me in.
Draco: Please give me another chance. Professor Buttlicker.
Dumbledore: Tap me in. Tap me in.
Draco: I have to let you speak to the headmaster.
Harry: Well, I should hope so.
Dumbledore steps forward
Dumbledore: Hello, I am Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts.
Harry: Well, I am Professor William M. Buttlicker.
Dumbledore: Hello, Professor Buttlicker. How may I help you?
Harry: Dumbledore, I like the sound of your voice. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to give one million house points to Slytherin.
Draco: (shakes fist, whispers) Yeah!
Dumbledore turns and whispers to Draco.
Dumbledore: See how it's done? (to Harry) Thank you very much, sir. I don't think you'll regret it.
Harry: There is one condition, Dumbledore.
Dumbledore: Yes.
Harry: You have to expel the student that treated me so terribly.
Draco: Don't do it, Dumbledore.
Dumbledore: ... (whispers) It's a million house points…
The Camera cuts to Snape and Quirrell in the Room of Requirement. Snape starts to climb into a large box next to the Mirror of Erised.
Quirrell: W-wait, this isn't gonna work. The lid's open.
Snape: So tape it down.
Quirrell: I c-can't do that. You won't be able to breathe.
Snape: Look, I can breathe just fine. OK, but if it makes you feel better, I'll poke holes in the box.
Quirrell: Thank you, thank you. OK.
Quirrell looks at the camera in amusement.
The Camera cuts to Dumbledore's office. Harry and Draco sit across from Dumbledore's desk.
Dumbledore: Alright. I've tried my best and the only thing left to do is detention in the Forbidden Forest.
Draco and Harry exchange dismayed looks.
The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore.
Dumbledore: I am not to be truffled with.
The Camera cuts back to the Room of Requirement, where Quirrell is finishing up taping the box shut.
Quirrell: So, do you want me to stay here and, you know, stand next to the box?
Snape: No, you need to go upstairs to the Great Hall so people don't notice we're both gone.
Quirrell: Right... That's good.
Quirrell looks at the Camera with a smirk.
The Camera cuts to an interview with Snape.
Snape: Can I trust Quirrell? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't. Will I trust Quirrell? Yes. Should I trust Quirrell?
He looks at the Camera.
Snape: You tell me.