Episode 5
The Camera follows Dumbledore as he enters the Ministry of Magic. He grins as walks up the stairs.
The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore
Dumbledore: Cornelius Fudge — the Minister for Magic, if title's important to you — has personally invited moi to come here for a meeting with the other headmasters. And at some point they are going to name me as the most successful headmaster that they have ever had. And then Albus Dumbledore turns and waves to the crowd... and the crowd goes wild.
The Camera cuts back to Dumbledore as he sees Minister Fudge. He approaches him.
Dumbledore: Cornelius!
Fudge: (confused) Oh, Albus?
Dumbledore: Are we all set?
Fudge: Isn't our meeting tomorrow?
Dumbledore looks at the Camera and then quickly hides his surprise.
Dumbledore: Yes. I just happened to be in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop in and say hello.
Fudge: You happened to be in central London?
Dumbledore: Thought I'd catch a show.
Fudge: In the middle of a school day?
Dumbledore: Naaah. You know what? Since I'm here, let me ask you a few questions about the meeting tomorrow.
Fudge: Okay.
Dumbledore: Um, how many headmasters will be at the meeting?
Fudge: Only you and the headmasters of Durmstrang and Beauxbatons.
Dumbledore: Ah, well, good. Out of curiosity, have either of them been headmaster longer than I have, or manage more students?
Fudge: I don't think so.
Dumbledore: Ah, great. No further questions.
Fudge: Okay, Albus.
Dumbledore: Okay.
Fudge: I'm really looking forward to our meeting.
The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore outside the Ministry of Magic.
Dumbledore: I got it made in the shade. The other headmaster are total morons.
He starts writing a letter for an owl, dictating as he writes:
Dumbledore: McGonagall - I forgot what day the interview was and I went to London accidentally. I'll be like five hours late.
Dumbledore sends the owl.
[Opening Credits - Upbeat Music]
[Title: Hogwarts, a Magical Workplace]
The Camera cuts to the head table in the Great Hall where students and faculty are eating breakfast. McGonagall stands up to address the room.
McGonagall: Attention students. Dumbledore was called away by the Minister for Magic on urgent business. Professor Snape and I are in charge while he's out.
Snape looks over at Harry and laughs maniacally. Harry gives the Camera an exasperated look.
The Camera cuts to an interview with Harry.
Harry: God, this is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head.
The Camera cuts to Potions Class, as Harry walks in.
Snape: Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry…
Harry: Oh hey, Snape.
Snape: I am gonna be in charge while Dumbledore is out. (Evil Cackle) Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never.
Harry: Does my room have cable?
Snape: No. And the sheets are made of fire.
Harry: Can I change rooms?
Snape: Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Harry: Can I have a late checkout?
Snape: I'll have to talk to the manager.
Harry: You're not the manager even in your own fantasy?
Snape: I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!
Harry: Okay, just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil?
Snape: Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet.
Harry: Go.
Snape: 12,000 Galleons a year!
Harry looks at the Camera, amused.
The Camera cuts to the Great Hall at lunch time. Snape enters the room and goes to the head table. He mutters curses about Harry Potter and slams a book down on the table, making Quirrell jump.
Voldemort: (from the back of Quirrell's head) What was that?
Quirrell: Wow. That was Snape. He seems upset about something.
Voldemort: Describe him exactly. What type of greasiness does his hair look like? Tar or oil?
Quirrell: It is... more of a sticky syrup look, actually.
Snape: What are you mumbling about?
Quirrell: How was Potions Class with P-potter?
Snape: None of your business.
Voldemort: Ooh I need more unicorn blood.
Quirrell: How much unicorn blood do you need?
Snape: I don't know. Two liters, maybe three if one vial breaks. How much unicorn blood do you need?
Quirrell: I'm not talking to you.
Snape: Who are you talking to?
The Camera cuts to an interview with Snape.
Snape: I've caught Quirrell talking to himself several times today. What a loser. Get a friend, loser.
The Camera cuts to an interview with Harry.
Harry: Bet you 3 Galleons Voldemort is on the back of Quirrell's head…only thing that can explain the weird old man smell.
The Camera cuts to Quirrell, slinking through the third-floor corridor. He looks around before entering the room with Fluffy.
The Camera cuts to an interview with Quirrell.
Quirrell: Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. You should see how many supplies I've taken from this place. Honestly, I love stealing things.
The Camera cuts to the Gryffindor Common Room. Harry and Ron are playing Wizard's Chess when Hermione comes bursting in.
Hermione: Harry! Fluffy's room is open. Someone's gone after the Philosopher's Stone.
Harry looks at the Camera, annoyed.
The Camera cuts to an interview with Harry. He throws his arms up in the air.
Harry: How come this is on me?
Harry, Hermione, and Ron go to the third-floor corridor. The door that hides Fluffy the three-headed dog is ajar.
Ron: He's already got past Fluffy.
The three get past Fluffy, the Devil's Snare, and the flying keys. They arrive to the fourth challenge.
Harry: Now what?
Ron: It's obvious isn't it? We've got to play our way across the room.
Harry: What is it?
Ron: You have what is the national sport of Icelandic paper companies. They refer to it as Flonkerton. In English, box of paper snowshoe racing.
The three play Flonkerton, with Ron sacrificing himself so that Harry and Hermione can go on.
Harry and Hermione go to the next room, which is empty except for a table. On the table is a vase and seven differently shaped bottles in a line.
As they enter the room, a purple fire springs up behind them in the doorway behind them. At the same time, black flames shoot up in the doorway leading onward.
As they approach the table, they notice there's a note on the vase. Harry picks up the note and reads it out loud.
Harry: "Roses are red. Violets are blue. Look in the vase to find your first clue." Oh, my gosh. It's a deadly scavenger hunt!
Hermione: Oh, close. It's a deadly treasure hunt. A scavenger hunt is where you find items from a master list. This is where you follow clues that lead to a prize. Common misuse.
Harry dumps the vase out to reveal a bunch of puzzle pieces.
Harry: Aw, there's no clue.
Hermione: We better get to work.
Harry: We can't, 'cause there's no clue.
Hermione: The puzzle is the clue.
Harry: Oh.
The camera cuts back to Harry and Hermione. They've finished putting the puzzle together. Hermione studies it.
Hermione: Alright – I've figured it out. This vial will get you through the black fire, toward the stone.
Harry: There's only enough for one…
Hermione: …
Harry: Which one will get you back through the purple flames?
Hermione points at a rounded bottle.
Harry: Okay, you drink that, go back and get Ron. I'll try to hold Voldemort off while you contact Dumbledore. I got lucky once, maybe I can again.
Hermione hugs Harry.
Hermione: Good luck, Harry.
The Camera cuts to an interview with Hermione.
Hermione: If I had to put Harry's chances into a percentage, I would say he has none percent chance.
Harry enters the final room. Inside is Quirrell.
Quirrell: Surprise!
Harry: (sarcastically to the Camera) Oh wow, what a surprising twist.
Quirrell: It gets even more surprising.
Harry: Oh really?
Quirrell turns around and reveals Voldemort on the back of his head.
Harry pretends to look extremely confused.
Harry: No. No! Wait, but, I mean, you're Quirrell, and then… he's the…
Quirrell/Voldemort: Yeah.
Harry pretends to look astonished
Harry: Ohhhh.
The Camera cuts to an interview with Harry. Harry smirks at the Camera.
Harry: You owe me 3 Galleons.
The Camera cuts back to Quirrell/Voldemort and Harry.
Quirrell/Voldemort: I'll let you live, Potter, if you can answer these riddles. I have two coins totaling 30 sickles and one of them is not a knut. What are they?
Harry: A knut and a sickle.
Quirrell/Voldemort: No, I said one of them is not a knut.
Harry: But the other one is. I've heard that before.
Quirrell/Voldemort: Ok. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, there is no way I can operate on this boy, ...
Harry: Because he's my son. The doctor is the boy's mother.
Quirrell/Voldemort: A man is found hanging from the ceiling...
Harry: He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself, and the ice melted.
Quirrell/Voldemort: A hunter…
Harry: It's a polar bear because you're at the North Pole.
Quirrell/Voldemort: Damn it!
Harry takes the stone from Quirrell/Voldemort. Quirrell/Voldemort grabs Harry's arm, trying to take it back. But at contact, Quirrell yelps in pain, and his flesh starts to burn away.
Quirrell/Voldemort: (weakly) It seems I've underestimated you, Harry Potter.
Harry: Well, Voldemort, maybe next time, you should estimate me.
Harry puts his hands on Quirrell's face and it explodes. The Camera replays it two more times.
The Camera cuts to an interview with JK Rowling.
Rowling: By far and away, the most expensive shot in the show. But, it was integral to the story.