Episode Six

The Camera follows Hagrid, as he attempts to carry a large vat of chili out of his hut.

Hagrid voiceover: At least once a year, I like to bring in some of my Rubeus' Famous Chili.

The Camera follows Hagrid as he struggles to carry the chili into the school.

Hagrid voiceover: The trick is to undercook the onions. Everybody is going to get to know each other in the pot.

Hagrid trips, and the chili spills out of the pot, covering the floor.

Hagrid voiceover: I'm serious about this stuff. I'm up the night before pressing garlic and dicing whole tomatoes. I toast my own Ancho chilies.

Hagrid desperately tries to scoop the chili back into the pot.

Hagrid voiceover: It's a recipe passed down from Hagrid family for generations. It's probably the thing I do best.

Hagrid looks at the camera mournfully, covered in chilli.

[Opening Credits - Upbeat Music]

[Title: Hogwarts, a Magical Workplace]

The Camera cuts to Dumbledore's office, where he and Harry are filling out an accident report for what happened with Quirrell/Voldemort.

Dumbledore: Alright, that should do it!

Harry: Can I ask a question? Why did Voldemort want to kill me when I was a baby?

Dumbledore: …ummm…

The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: Am I going to tell him? No, I am not going to tell him. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.

The Camera cuts back to Harry and Dumbledore.

Harry: Why won't you tell me?

Dumbledore: Look, I wish I could, but I can't. Well can, but won't. Should maybe, but shorn't.

Harry looks at the Camera, exasperated.

The Camera cuts to the Great Hall, where Hagrid and McGonagall are eating breakfast.

Hagrid: So, you ready for the... the Warties tonight?

McGonagall: Ugh...

The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: Tonight is the House Cup ceremony, the annual awards night here at Hogwarts. I call them the Warties.

Dumbledore holds up a trophy of a wizard.

Dumbledore: And this is everybody's favorite day. Everybody looks forward to it, because, you know, a lot of the people here don't get trophies, very often. Like Ron or Neville, I mean, who's gonna give Neville an award? Dunkin' Donuts? Plus, bonus, it's really, really funny. So, you know, a Hogwarts student will go home for summer, and he'll tell his muggle friend, "Hey, did you get an award?" And the friend will say, "No man. I mean, I slave all day at school and nobody notices me." Next thing you know, Hogwarts Student smells something terrible coming from the muggle's house. Muggle's hanged himself due to lack of recognition. So...

The Camera cuts to an interview with McGonagall.

McGonagall: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Warties are like a car wreck that you want to look away, but you have to stare at it because the headmaster is making you.

The Camera cuts to the Great Hall as the Awards Ceremony begins.

Dumbledore: Welcome to the 25th annual Warties awards!

The Camera quickly cuts to everybody talking and ignoring Dumbledore.

The Camera cuts to an interview with Professor Flitwick.

Professor Flitwick: The Warties are kind of like a kid's birthday party, and you go, and there's really nothing for you to do there. But the kid's having a really good time, so you're kind of there. That's kind of what it's like.

The Camera cuts back to the Great Hall.

Dumbledore: It's time to award the House Cup. Now currently Slytherin is in the lead with 472 points…

A storm of cheering and stamping breaks out at the Slytherin table. Draco Malfoy bangs his goblet on the table.

Dumbledore: However, I still have some Warties to give out.

The entire room goes quiet, and the Slytherin students look worried.

Dumbledore: First, I would like to give out the "Fine Work Award" to Mr. Ron Weasley, for being just barely useful…50 points!

There are a few scattered claps around the room. Ron looks at the camera in annoyance.

Ron: I don't care what they say about me…I just want to eat. Which I know is asking for a lot…at an end of the year feast.

Dumbledore: Second, the "Tight Ass Award" goes to the biggest stickler at Hogwarts, Hermione Granger, for being an insufferable know-it-all 50 points for Hermione Granger.

Hermione looks at the camera and frowns. Students clap hesitantly.

Dumbledore: Come on up, Hermione.

Hermione: No…

Dumbledore: Fine. This next award goes to somebody, who really, lights up the school. Somebody, who I think a lot of us, cannot keep, from checking out. The "Hottest in Hogwarts" award goes to...Harry Potter! 60 points for Harry Potter!

Camera zooms in on Harry's bewildered face as students reluctantly clap.

The Camera cuts to an interview with Harry, holding his award.

Harry: What am I going to do about the award? Nothing. I-I don't know what I'm going to do. That's the least of my...concerns right now.

Dumbledore: And finally, this last Wartie is for Neville. This is the "Don't Go in There After Me" award. It's for the time that I went into the bathroom after him, and it was really, really smelly. So...10 points for Neville.

There is silence in the Great Hall as Neville reluctantly accepts the award.

Dumbledore: Oh, look at that, Gryffindor won the House Cup!

Snape looks at the Camera, annoyed.

[This Concludes Season One of Hogwarts: A Magical Workplace]