Season 2 Episode 1

The Camera opens on the staff room at Hogwarts. Hagrid and Dumbledore are talking. Hagrid is showing Dumbledore pictures of different magical creatures. Dumbledore's mug of OJ sits on Professor Binns' desk.

Hagrid: What about this one? It's kinda badass, right? Just seems kinda crazy in a way I might need right now.

Dumbledore: I don't know.

He glances at Professor Binns, who picks up Dumbledore's mug and takes a drink.

Dumbledore: Oh! That's... not... yours.

The Camara cuts to an interview with Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: Binns just drank OJ out of my mug, and didn't seem to realize that it wasn't his hot coffee. So the question has to be asked, is there no limit to what he won't notice?

The Camera cuts back to the Staff Room, where Professor Binns is doing the crossword.

Binns: What's a seven letter word for purse?

Flitwick sits across from him at McGonagall's desk, dressed like McGonagall.

Flitwick: [in a high-pitched voice] Satchel!

Binns: Nope. Starts with an H.

Hagrid sits next to Binns, shirtless except for a tie.

Hagrid: Handbag.

Bins: Hmmm. [glances at Hagrid] Thank you.

The Camera cuts to the Great Hall. Dumbledore stands at the front wearing fake teeth. Professor Binns floats in, sits and begins working on his crossword.

Dumbledore: All right, everybody, take a seat. As you may have heard, our sister school on the planet Jupiter is up eight thousand percent in enrollment!

All: Yay! [applause]

The Camera cuts to the Staffroom. Binns looks up at the clock and then back at his watch.

Binns: Hold up! That clock is slow. It is five o'clock, I will see you all tomorrow.

McGonagall turns around, wearing a mustache.

McGonagall: Bye, Binns! Love you!

She waves as Binns floats towards the door. He passes Hagrid, who is standing next to a hippogriff.

Hagrid: So long, Binns!

Binns: [without looking up] Night, everybody.

[Opening Credits - Upbeat Music]

[Title: Hogwarts, a Magical Workplace]

The Camera opens on Dumbledorein his office at Hogwarts.

Dumbledore: I suppose summer had to end sometime. It's sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw 'Inception.' Or at least I dreamt I did.

The Camera cuts to a room where Professors McGonagall, Snape and Sprout sit, interviewing Gilderoy Lockhart, who is wearing a "Gilderoy for DADA Professor" pin on his jacket.

McGonagall: [conducting interview] Your experience is very interesting. Do you think you could use that experience to inform decisions here?

Lockhart: Absolutely-I, yes. In fact, I actually have a three-step plan that I believe could effectively double your success.

McGonagall: Really?

Lockhart: Yeah.

McGonagall: [waiting for Lockhart to continue] ...What is it?

Lockhart: Nice try.

Sprout: I'm sorry, what is your three-step plan?

Lockhart: Well, I mean, I can't just hand you my plan. I mean, if you guys give me the job, then, then you'll get the plan.

Snape: Well... it's an interview, and we don't know that you really have the plan.

Lockhart: [speaking faster] Well, I'm not gonna just make up that I have a plan. I got a plan. Believe me, you guys want it.

Snape: How would we know that, if you don't...

McGonagall: You could just be saying it to get the job.

Lockhart: I guess I could be, if I was... who would do that?

McGonagall: How about this. Why don't you give us a part of the plan, and that way we know you have it.

Lockhart: Tell you what. I'll give you part three of part two. Not gonna give you a whole part.

McGonagall: Okay.

Lockhart: Color-code essays, TM.

McGonagall: Did you just trademark that...

Lockhart: That's a verbal trademark. That's an agreement.

The Camera cuts to an interview with McGonagall

McGonagall: We are the Search Committee, hand-picked by Dumbledore, and tasked to find a new Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor. Not everyone we meet will be good, but someone's bound to be, right? But I'm really excited to spend a lot of time with Professors Sprout and Snape. [quietly] Did you know that Sprout's first name was Pomona? I had no idea.

The Camera cuts to an interview with Lockhart.

Lockhart: In my family, you don't really go out and get things. If you want something, you write it on a list, and then the house elf goes out and gets it, on Wednesdays and Fridays. So, I don't know, I guess you could say this job is on my list, and... [awkwardly smiling] we'll see what Rosa comes back with.

The Camera cuts back to Lockhart's interview

Lockhart: Well, I manage my department at the Dark Force Defense League, and I've been doing that for several years now. And, god, I've learned a lot of life lessons along the way.

McGonagall: Your department's just you, right?

Lockhart: Yes, Minerva, but I am not easy to manage.

Snape: Great. [to McGonagall and Sprout ] Um, can we just... [does a "wrap it up" motion with his quill]

Lockhart: What was that?

Snape: We just have a lot of serious candidates to get through today, so... [nods]

Lockhart: [getting upset] Am I not a serious candidate?

Snape: What do you want me to say? I mean, there's a line of qualified people out there. We have a video CV from America. [to McGonagall and Sprout] Are we all just gonna pretend to- okay. [to Lockhart] Um, what are your weaknesses?

Lockhart: I don't have any, assh***.

The Camera cuts to Number 4 on Privet Drive, where Harry is locked in his room. His Uncle, Vernon Dursley, is fixing bars to Harry's window.

Vernon: You're never going back to that school. Never!

Harry looks at the Camera, sad.

The Camera cuts to an interview with Vernon.

Vernon: I have a nice comforter and several cozy pillows. I usually read a chapter of a book, and it's lights out by 8:30. That's how I sleep at night!

The Camera cuts to the Great Hall, where all the teachers and staff are gathered. Dumbledore stands to address them. Next to him stands Lockhart.

Dumbledore: Everybody, this is Sir Gilderoy Lockhart and he is the new Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor. So, just give it up for this big guy, right? Give it up.

Everyone reluctantly applauds.

Dumbledore: Snape, I want you to show Professor Lockhart around the school.

Snape: Me?

The Camera cuts to an interview with Lockhart.

Lockhart: [singing] This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This day is bananas! B-A-N-A-

The Camera cuts to an interview with Snape.

Snape: [getting a pill from the bottle] I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing.

The Camera cuts to Harry and Ron, flying in the Weasley's enchanted car.

Ron: I've busted Harry out of the muggle's house and now we're on the road to Hogwarts. But first, we need to make a pit stop at my parents' house.

Harry: Oh. That must be nice.

Ron: Well it's not much but it's home.

Harry: Oh, no, no, I meant that it must be nice to have parents.

Ron: Oh. Hmm.

A few hours later, the Camera cuts to Harry and Ron as they fly over Hogwarts.

Ron: This is going to be a very good year. Very good. We're going back at Hogwarts. Good stuff. Um... Fred and George are rockin' the pranks. I feel very blessed.

Ron swears as he slams on breaks. The Camera turns as a branch of the whomping willow tree smashes through the window.