Season 2 Episode 2

The Camera opens on the Staff Room where many of the professors are gathered. McGonagall approaches Snape with a card in hand.

McGonagall: Hey Severus. Professor Flitwick is back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card?

Snape: Oh, great. [reads] "Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a mustachectomy." Oh that's not good.

Sprout: Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious.

McGonagall: It's nice. It's funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his mustache.

Snape: Flitwick doesn't have a mustache.

McGonagall: Yeah he does.

Lockhart: Minerva, hit the brakes. Flitwick does not have a mustache. [He pauses] I misspoke. I'm not sure. I think he has one, now that- I think he has a mustache.

McGonagall: Okay, Pomona sits by him in the Great Hall every day. Pomona, does he have a mustache or not?

Sprout: Oh, I don't know. Now I think he doesn't.

McGonagall: Pomona! What are you talking- The whole card depends on this!

Hagrid: Okay, the man's worked here for over 20 years. How can none of us picture his face?

Snape: 'Cause we come here to do our jobs. We don't stick our noses in other people's business.

McGonagall: Okay, which one of these looks more right?

She holds up two drawings of Flitwick - one wit a mustache and one without a mustache.

Snape: Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamed of in the history of human insanity. That said, the one on the left.

The door to the Great Hall creaks as it starts to open.

Lockhart: Guys, the door. What if it's him?

Lockhart runs to the door.

Snape: Okay, quick. Who says mustache?

McGonagall, Lockhart, and Hagrid raise their hands

Snape: Who says no mustache?

Snape, Sprout, and Trelawney raise their hands

As Flitwick enters, Lockhart moves in front of him, hiding Flitwick's face with his hands. Lockhart removes his hands to reveal Flitwick's mustache

Lockhart: Ah! Ha ha ha!

Sprout: He does have a mustache.

Hagrid: Yes!

McGonagall: Welcome back, Filius.

[Opening Credits - Upbeat Music]

[Hogwarts, A Magical Workplace]

The Camera cuts to Dumbledore's office. Snape comes in and approaches Dumbledore's desk.

Snape: Can I talk to you a second?

Dumbledore: Ugh, what?

Snape: Uh, I really think that you need to address what happened with Potter and Weasley last night...

Dumbledore: What are you blabbering about? Nothing happened.

Snape: Well, you know, they openly broke school rules.

Dumbledore: That? With the Whomping Willow Tree?

Snape: Yeah. You need to discipline them.

Dumbledore: Okay, I will... I'm not feeling very well right now though. My stomach hurts, so I may be going to bed early today, but...

Snape: You know, Dumbledore, sometimes kids say their stomach hurts when they don't want to go to school…

Dumbledore: Well sometimes my stomach hurts when you come into my office, so it's probably psychological.

The Camera cuts to the Gryffindor Quidditch team as they head to the field to practice, only to find the Slytherin team is already there.

Wood: Flint! This is our practice time.

Flint: I've got a note from Professor Snape giving us special permission so we can train our new seeker.

Draco steps out from behind the rest of the team.

Draco: Hey Potter, guess who's the new Seeker for the Slytherin Quidditch Team? Everyone's just been admiring the brooms my father's bought our team.

The Camera cuts to an interview with Draco.

Draco: Draco Malfoy does not lose contests. He wins them. Or he quits them. Because they're unfair.

The Camera cuts to Dumbledore's office. Sitting across from him are Ron, Harry, Fred and George. Standing behind Dumbledore is Lockhart, Snape, McGonagall and Filch.

Dumbledore: Right, you all will be serving detentions tonight. You will each pair up with a teacher to serve your detention. Filch, since this was your idea you'll pick first.

Filch: Hmmm, well... let me think about this for a minute. I'll pick Ron.

Dumbledore: Ok, Ron. You'll be polishing trophies without magic.

Ron grimaces at the camera.

Dumbledore: Ok, now going by seniority. McGongall, our resident senior.

McGonagall: We're the same age and I'll pick... Fred.

Dumbledore: Good. You'll be cleaning the owlery. Next up, Superfly himself, Snape.

Snape: Pass.

Dumbledore: You can't pass. You've got to pick somebody.

Snape: ... I'll take the other twin.

The Camera cuts to an interview with George.

George: I am very flattered. I was his second choice after "Pass."

The Camera cuts back to Dumbledore's office.

Dumbledore: So that leaves Harry with Lockhart, helping him answer fan mail.

Harry: Ok, wait. Does anyone want to trade?

Lockhart: [cluelessly] Yup. I'll trade.

Harry looks at the Camera, annoyed.

The Camera cuts to Lockhart's office. Harry and Lockhart sit at his desk, next to a pile of letters.

Lockhart: This first one's to Gladys Gudgeon, bless her huge fan of mine…

Harry looks at the Camera hopelessly as Lockhart prattles on.

The Camera cuts to Lockhart's office, several hours later. Harry is still helping Lockhart with his fan mail as Lockhart continues to talk relentlessly.

Voice: Come…come to me…let me rip you…let me tear you…let me kill you…

Harry slowly looks up at the Camera, concerned.

Harry: [to Lockhart] What was that?

Lockhart: What? What did I say?

The Camera cuts to an interview with Lockhart.

Lockhart: I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out.

The Camera cuts back to Lockhart's office.

Harry: I heard a voice say "kill".

Lockhart: I didn't hear anything.

The Camera cuts to an interview with Lockhart.

Lockhart: Detention with Potter went well. Except, I think I was bitten by a spider or something. For a while, I was temporarily deaf. I couldn't hear a thing Harry was saying.

The Camera cuts to an interview with Harry.

Harry: Oh, I was talking like this. [he mouths words while pointing to his ear] I don't feel good about it, but he just kept calling himself a victim of fame and it got to me.