Chapter Nine
Episode 3
The Camera opens on Snape standing in the Great Hall, straining as he shoves a pumpkin on his head.
Snape Voiceover: This year I decided to really get into the spirit of Halloween.
The Camera cuts to pumpkin-headed Snape sneaking up on Neville. Neville turns around as Snape screams.
Neville: AHH!
Snape laughs as he tries to pull the pumpkin off his head. He tries several times, but the pumpkin doesn't come off.
Snape Voiceover: It may have been the costliest decision I've ever made.
The Camera Cuts to the Staff Room, where Hagrid is struggling to pull the pumpkin off Snape's head.
Snape Voiceover: My greased up head went into the pumpkin no problem, but ...
Hagrid: It won't budge.
Snape Voiceover: I can't get it out.
Snape: [to Hagrid] Try again!
The Camera cuts to Hagrid and Snape in the kitchen.
Snape voiceover: I mean, I could try destroying the pumpkin...
Hagrid pulls a big knife from a drawer, flips it and approaches Snape.
Snape: Hagrid, no. No. No! No!
Snape Voiceover: But as Hagrid and I discovered...
The Camera cuts to outside Hogwarts, where Snape and Hagrid have set up a manakin with a pumpkin over the head. Hagrid hits the pumpkin with a baseball bat, sending bits of pupkin and manakin flying through the air.
Snape: [horrified] No!
As Hagrid turns towards Snape with the bat, Snape runs away.
Snape Voiceover: ... any blow to the pumpkin itself could prove fatal to me.
The Camera cuts to an Interview with Pumpkin-headed Snape.
Snape : At first I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently.
The Camera cuts to a staff meeting, where pumpkin-headed Snape raises his hand to speak.
Snape Voiceover: I never should have played that joke on Neville.
The Camera Cuts to pumpkin-headed Snape eating lunch in the Great Hall.
Snape Voiceover: I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place.
The Camera cuts to pumpkin-headed Snape walking into Potions class.
Snape Voiceover: Then I realized that I was being silly.
The Camera cuts to interview with Snape.
Snape: I mean the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two. Right?
[Opening Credits - Upbeat Music]
[Hogwarts: A Magical Workplace]
The Camera cuts to a corridor. Students are gathered and whispering. The Camera focuses on Harry, Hermione and Ron.
Hermione: [to the documentary crew] Do you see this?
The Camera zooms in on the wall of the corridor, where in blood someone has written: "THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED. ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE." Hanging from a torch bracket is Mrs. Norris, Filch's cat, who is stiff as a board.
Hermione: Disgusting.
Dumbledore, McGonagall and Filch push their way through the crowd. Filch wails when he sees Mrs. Norris. Lockhart trails behind them. He goes and inspects the cat.
Lockhart: It was definitely a curse that killed her - probably the Transmogrifian Torture. I've seen it used many times, so unlucky I wasn't there. I know the very countercurse that could have saved her.
Dumbledore: Lockhart, you idiot she's not dead. She's petrified.
McGonagall: [to Filch] Don't worry Argus, we'll be able to cure her. We can make a potion from the mandrakes Professor Sprout is growing.
Lockhart: I'll make it! I must have done it a hundred times. I could whip up a Mandrake Restorative Draught in my sleep.
Snape: I'm the potions master at this school, moron!
The Camera cuts to an interview with Lockhart.
Lockhart: I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular guy
The Camera cuts back to the corridor.
Dumbledore: In the meantime, we'll launch an investigation to see who wrote the message. We'll start by interviewing all the students. Snape, you'll conduct the interviews.
The Camera cuts to Snape's office, where he is interviewing Neville.
Snape: Let's go over some of the symptoms of petrification use, shall we? You tell me who this sounds like: slow moving, inattentive, dull, constantly snacking, shows a lack of motivation.
Neville: Hey...
The Camera cuts to an interview with Snape.
Snape: I don't want to blow this. This is what all good law enforcement officers dream of. The chance to solve an actual crime.
The Camera cuts to Snape interviewing Harry in his office.
Harry: I'm just saying that you can't be sure that is wasn't you.
Snape: That's ridiculous, of course it wasn't me.
Harry: You could have been possessed to do, so maybe you just don't remember.
Snape: I would remember.
Harry: Well, how could you, if someone just erased your memory?
Snape: That's not how possession works.
Harry: Now how do you know how it works?
Snape: Knock it off, okay, I'm interviewing you.
Harry: No! You said that I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how many people did you petrify?
Snape looks at Harry, shocked.
The Camera cuts to an interview with Fred and George.
Fred: It wasn't us!
George: That's disgusting.
The Camera cuts to an interview with Harry.
Harry: Everybody knows it was Draco, and it is not fair for us all to take the fall for his stupidity!
The Camera cuts to an interview with Draco.
Draco: Everybody's been asking me if I wrote the message about the Chamber of Secrets. It was rude, condescending, and a little bit snotty.
Draco sighs sadly.
Draco: I wish I had written it.
The Camera cuts to an interview with Snape.
Snape: It's never the person who you most suspect. It's also never the person you least suspect since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the heir to be Ginny… The person who I most medium suspect.