Season 2 Episode 4

The Camera opens on Dumbledore in his office.

Dumbledore: Today is Safety Training Day. Snape is leading ours upstairs. Yeauck. But, I am giving everyone a little bit of a treat. We are going to listen in on Professor Kettleburn's presentation about magical creature safety. And if I know Silvanus, it gonna be zoppity.

The Camera cuts to an open clearing on Hogwarts grounds. All the students and staff are gathered around Hagrid and Kettleburn. Kettleburn is standing next to a hippogriff.

Kettleburn: Now, this is a hippogriff. You need-

Dumbledore reaches out to touch it. Kettleburn slaps his hand away.

Kettleburn: - You need special training to ride this creature. That means staff and students can't ride it. ... Quiz! Albus.

Dumbledore: Hmm.

Kettleburn: Should you ride the hippogriff?

Dumbledore: I can, and I have.

Dumbledore: No! No no no no no! I said should you. You should not ride it. You should not ride the hippogriff, you understand? It's not safe, you don't have the training.

Dumbledore: Guys, I'm not the only one who's ridden the hippogriff. [points at Hagrid] Hagrid has ridden the hippogriff.

Kettleburn: Yes, he is qualified to ride a dangerous animal. You are not. Okay?

Dumbledore: Ah, fine.

Kettleburn: Do you understand that?

Dumbledore: Yeeesh.

The Camera cuts to an interview with Kettleburn.

Kettleburn: We do safety training every year, or after an accident. ... We've never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a box of hippogriff food on the top shelf, when one professor, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled...

The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: [barely keeping his composure] "Hey Silvanus, how's it hangin'?!" [laughs]

The Camera cuts back to interview with Kettleburn.

Kettleburn: And I fell and busted my ankle. I'm legitimately scared for my safety.

[Opening Credits - Upbeat Music]

[Hogwarts: A Magical Workplace]

The Camera cuts back to Kettleburn's magical creature safety training. He stands next to a blast-ended skrewt.

Kettleburn: The blast-ended skrewt can burn down a building. It can sting you and crush your entire body without skipping a beat. How many people a year do you think get stung by a blast-ended skrewt? Ten people, Albus. Ten people. Would you like to be one of them? You have to be alert, and calm. And always careful... These are very dangerous animals, and the staff and students, Albus, should not go anywhere near them.

Dumbledore: Yes, yes. But it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world... if somebody...

Kettleburn: It would be the worst thing in the world! It would! Very much so.

Hagrid: What the hell is wrong with this man?

Dumbledore: It's a big ugly crab!

Kettleburn: It's not a crab! It's a blast-ended skrewt!

Hagrid: Don't disrespect the skrewt!

Dumbledore: Okay, okay! I got it. I got it. ... Only on the rarest of occasions...

Kettleburn: No do not touch it!

Dumbledore: ...would I go near-

Kettleburn: There is no occasion for you to go near these creatures, okay?

The Camera cuts to the Great Hall, where all the staff and students are gathered. Dumbledore and Snape stand in front. Snape is holding a piece of parchment.

Dumbledore: Severus now has the floor... and he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life. Let me rephrase that. I believe that you can do safety training and make it sound just as good as Silvanus. Here we go!

Snape: Ok, um, one thing that you're gonna want to look out for is carpal tunnel syndrome. It's recommended that you take a ten minute break from writing every hour. For your circulation, you're gonna want to get up out of your chairs and uh, and move around about ten minutes every hour.

Dumbledore: Yes, good. Fine. Like stretching and...

Snape: Um, yeah. Reading by torchlight can be a big strain on your eyes, so uh, it's also recommended that you step away for about... about ten minutes every hour.

Dumbledore: Wow, that is... that time really adds up. That's like... a half an hour, every hour?

Kettleburn: Take them at the same time.

Dumbledore: Ok, you know what? You're making it sound kind of lame. So, skip ahead to the really dangerous stuff.

Snape: Um, you always want to keep a sweater or cardigan of some sort, in case it gets drafty.

Harry: What about a long sleeve T?

Snape: Well, that'll work.

Neville: Long johns? A shaw?

Snape: You know, anything that warms you.

Dumbledore: Ok, you know what? I think that everybody is going to vomit due to boredom. [to Kettleburn and Hagrid] Sorry, he is very lame.

Dumbledore takes the parchment from Snape.

Dumbledore: Um, let's see. "Petrification! A malign magical state in which a living creature is rendered immobile and unresponsive, as if they had been turned to stone."

Kettleburn: Thank God we only had a blast-ended skrewt to deal with.

Hagrid: Yeah, that dim light is a bitch, ain't it?

Dumbledore: Ok guys, you know what? I didn't- I didn't interrupt when you were having your presentation.

Kettleburn: Actually, you did.

Dumbledore: Yes. Okay, let's do another one. This is a good one. "A particular concern for professors and students is a sedimentary life style, which can contribute-"

Snape: Sedentary.

Dumbledore: Yes. "Which can contribute to heart disease." Heart disease kills more people than blast-ended Skrewts.

Hagrid: That's called having a fat butt, Albus.

Dumbledore: Mmmm, no, no, it's... sedentary...

Hagrid: Yeah, yeah. That's, that's fat butt disease. That's what you suffer from?

Dumbledore: No.

Hagrid: Fat butt disease, Albus?

Lockhart: Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds.

Kettleburn: Alright, we outta here.

Dumbledore: Silvanus, I did not walk out in the middle of yours. So, I-

Hagrid: Yeah, but ours was real, Albus.

Kettleburn: That's what I've been trying to tell you, Albus. It's serious out there. We do dangerous stuff, man. This is shenanigans, foolishness, Nerf-ball. You live a sweet, little, Nerf-y life. Sittin' on your biscuit. Never havin' to risk it.

Dumbledore: Okay. ... What, Nerf isn't cool anymore?

The Camera cuts to McGonagall and Dumbledore in his office.

Dumbledore: Minerva, petrification is as scary as a blast-ended skrewt, right?

McGonagall: I don't understand the question.

Dumbledore: Students are being petrified. Which can lead to a life of immobility. I mean this is really serious stuff.

McGonagall: Yeah...

Dumbledore: I- I- Nobody gets petrified suicide because they work with a blast-ended skrewt, and yet those guys are makin' fun of me, calling me a Nerf, that...

McGonagall: It's really hard to demonstrate petrification. Their safety training had visuals.

Dumbledore: Yeah... you are... ah, so right. They had visual aids. And all we had were the facts. You don't go to the science museum and get handed a pamphlet on electricity. You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball, your hair sticks up straight... and you know science.

Pam: So, you're okay?

Dumbledore: Indubitably.

The Camera cuts to Dumbledore's office, where Snape now sits across from Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: They use props. They use visual aids, and they just made us look like dopes.

Snape: Idiots! God, what are we gonna do?

Dumbledore: I don't know. Because you know what our killer is? Petrif-

Snape: Werewolves

Dumbledore: No. Petrification.

The Camera cuts back to Dumbledore and Snape, a few minutes later.

Snape: Visual aids.

Dumbledore: Yes.

Snape: A quilt. Petrification quilt?

Dumbledore: No time to sew a quilt. ... I got it. Give me the number for the Giant Big Box Toy Store.

The Camera cuts to outside Hogwarts where Dumbledore is bouncing on a trampoline.

Dumbledore: You may be asking yourself, "What am I doing on a trampoline?" Well, I thought I'd bounce here for a while, relieve some stress, and then move on with my day. Not! Here's the plan. Snape, is going to gather all of the office workers and all of the warehouse guys, we're going to have another safety seminar. Only this time, where's Albus? Oh my God! He is on the roof! Now I have got their attention. I... tell them, about the cold hard facts of petrification. And then I say, "Hey! You ever seen a petrification?" And then I free and fall of the roof. And they freak out. And they get to see... the dangers of petrification with their own eyes. Nice side note: They might think "Hey, I should have been nicer to Albus." But that's... not why I'm doing this... Then, I land on the trampoline, take a couple extra bounces for fun. I climb off, walk around the corner... Ta-freakin'-da!

The Camera cuts to the Great Hall where staff and students are eating lunch. Snape comes running in with a megaphone.

Snape: [out of breath] Guys! Listen up! Dumbledore is up on the roof, and acting strange!

Lockhart: Whoa! What's the situation?

Snape: I think he's going to be petrified! I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him die!

Ron: Is it nice outside?

Snape: It's gorgeous. Let's go!

Neville: Do I need my jacket?

Snape: No really, it's, it's very nice. Come on!

Harry: Will I be too warm in a long sleeve T?

Snape: Everybody's gonna be fine in exactly what they're wearing, let's go! Let's go!

Everyone runs outside, where Dumbledore is on the roof.

Snape: Come on, hurry up you guys!

Dumbledore: [from the roof] My eyes! Oh, my eyes...

Snape: [on megaphone] Albus, what's wrong?!

Dumbledore: Everything's wrong. The gaze of the Slytherin monster has caused me to be petrified.

Dwight: Petrification? Isn't that just a fancy word for being scared?

Dumbledore: Snape, you ignorant slut. Petrification is a very serious condition. Over 4 students are petrified every year! According to a 1980 study!

Snape: Is that the last year the data was available?

Dumbledore: Yes! My head is in such pain! And turmoil!

Snape: Don't do anything rash!

Dumbledore: Wait, where are Kettleburn and Hagrid?

Snape: I didn't... [Snape runs up to the side of the building] I didn't think you needed them for this part.

Dumbledore: Okay... that's...

Snape: you said to just...

Dumbledore: That's the whole point, dummy.

Snape: Okay, I'm on it!

Snape runs away.

Dumbledore: Okay.

A few minutes later, Snape returns with Kettleburn and Hagrid.

Snape: Albus is up on the roof and he's acting strange!

Dumbledore: Oooooh, my eyes!

Snape: [on megaphone] Albus! What's wrong?

Dumbledore: Everything is wrong, Severus. The gaze of the Slytherin monster has made me petrified.

Snape: Petrified? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling scared?

Dumbledore: Snape, you ignorant slut.

The Camera cuts to an interview with Fred and George.

Fred: Well, you know, the first performance was a little off. But I really think they hit their stride, in the second show.

George: We might even bring our parents tomorrow, to the matinee.

Dumbledore's Voice: [from the roof] And that is why, I am going to fall off this roof!

Fred: Oh, excuse me. It's my... favorite part.

The Camera zooms in on Hermione and Harry.

Hermione: This is just offensive.

Harry: At least we're outside.

Neville: Hey, check it out, there's a... there's a trampoline over there.

Everyone looks around the building to see the trampoline.

Harry: Oh my God, there is a trampoline.

Snape: No, there's nothing to see over there, people! There's nothing to see. ...They found the trampoline, Albus.

Dumbledore: Damn it.

Hermione: Oh... God. Oh my God, he's gonna jump.

Harry: Oh. He's going to kill himself, pretending to kill himself.

Hermione: Yeah...

Harry: Hey uh, Dumbledore. Don't jump on the trampoline. You can't do that, because you're going to get horribly, horribly injured.

Hermione: Hey Dumbledore! I have a present for you, but you have to come down and get it.

Dumbledore: What is it?

Hermione: Come down and... open it and you'll see.

Dumbledore: Snape, find out what the present is.

Snape: Okay, uh... I don't see anything. She might be bluffing.

Harry: Snape...

Hermione: Snape, what are you-

Snape: Oh... It's uh, a Repliee Q1 Expo female robot, they're only available in Japan.

Dumbledore: Snape, you are such a liar. Hermione, really, what is it?

Kettleburn: Albus, this is the opposite of safety. You jump, you're gonna serious hurt yourself.

Dumbledore: You told me, that I lead a... cushy, wimpy, Nerf life.

Kettleburn: Yeah, but I never said you had nothing to live for.

Dumbledore: What do I have to live for?

Kettleburn: Albus, you're a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day, knowing full well, you gotta be you.

Dumbledore: Do you really mean that?

Kettleburn: I couldn't do it. I- I ain't that strong. And I ain't that brave.

Dumbledore: I'm braver than you?

Kettleburn: Way braver! You Braveheart, man.

Dumbledore: I Braveheart. I am.

Kettleburn: Come down, okay?

Dumbledore: Okay. Hermione, I'm coming down to get my present.

Hermione looks at the camera, exasperated.

The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: A school... is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the school. That's the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes.