Chapter 19

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters used in this story that honour belongs to J K Rowling and the Warner Brothers.

Harry slowly went over to his head of house, leaving Ron, Hermione and Ginny to walk along with the rest of the school into the Great Hall. His Professor was looking as stern as ever, but gave a sympathetic look at Harry as he came towards her. "Follow me Potter" she said as she turned and started to walk.

Harry followed her into an empty classroom not far away from the Great Hall she sat behind the desk and indicted for him to sit down. So, he sat down carefully trying to not bend his injured leg, he hadn't managed to bare weight since is clash with Malfoy on the train. He then looked up at his Professor with a puzzled look.

"Mr Potter, Professor Lupin has told me about the situation with quidditch and your injury. I hear you have a guard that will protect it until it comes a time where you can play without it. However, there are other conditions for general safety you must acknowledge before I let you into the feast. 1. You may leave 5 minutes before each class finishes if you so need the time to get to your next class. 2. If you are in pain, Madame Pomfrey has asked to see you straight away. 3. You must attend a meeting with Professor Lupin every Friday evening at 7 o'clock. Is that understood?"

"Yes Professor" replied Harry getting more anxious each second, he could feel an attack coming on and he desperately wanted to stop it.

"Harry, I do hope you are okay. If you need to talk or anything I'm here" she sighed

"I'm fine Professor" replied Harry

"Alright then Mr Potter you may go into the great hall" she said as she stood up and opened the door, Harry managed to smile and nod. If he had opened his mouth he would have opened the door to panic. He hoped McGonagall would have not walked with him into the great hall, anxious and ready to panic already he didn't want the hundreds of eyes on him as he went in.

They came to the entrance to the hall, McGonagall put her hand on his shoulder, he couldn't help to flinch, he couldn't do human contact right now. She opened the door and it looked like the sorting had just finished, Professor Sprout was carrying the three-legged stool back to a chamber at the back of the hall. Everyone turned around to see who had just entered. The hall suddenly went silent. Harry couldn't cope, he needed to cut, he needed to escape and hide. The walls started to close in on him, the silence became louder, like ringing in his ears.

Harry sat down right on the end of the Gryffindor table and hid his face in his hands. Finally, people started to talk, he knew it was about him, he didn't care, he wouldn't be here for much longer he thought. Harry was breathing very shallow; the walls were still very close. Hermione's voice was echoing inside his head.

"Harry! Harry! Are you alright?" She was saying, rather loud. Harry couldn't respond, he was panicking, he was sure half the school had their eyes on him, watching his every move. Harry then felt a gentle, warm hand slip into his own and a very comforting voice.

"Harry, you are safe, breathe with me, in for four, hold for 7, out for 8" Harry followed the pattern and he felt a little calmer. "Keep going, you are okay, keep breathing, in for 4, hold for 7, out for 8" They stroked Harrys hand up and down softly. Slowly but surely, he came back into realisation. He turned around to see who was around him. Ginny was holding his hand, Hermione was looking concerned and Ron was eating as much as he could.

"Thanks Ginny" he said, trying to smile. Harry looked up to the high table, Remus, Dumbledore, McGonagall and surprisingly Snape were looking at him with real concern. Dumbledore raised his glass to him very slightly, he gave them a nod to tell them he was okay, but he knew he would be called to see at least one of them in the next 24 hours.

Harry tried to eat as much as he could, he was thirsty, so he downed his drink. By the end of the meal he was feeling pretty normal again, very calm actually. Little did he know that his juice had some calming draft in it. After desert, Dumbledore stood up to make some announcements. The noise died down.

"Another year begins, I would like this opportunity to welcome our new first years, and welcome back to older years. A few announcements, firstly, first years, the dark forest on the edge of the grounds I forbidden to all students. As you can see we have a return of a friendly face, please give a warm welcome back Professor Lupin who will be returning to his Defence Against the Dark Arts post." The great hall applauded, Harry, Hermione and the Weasleys clapped hard. "Furthermore, this year he will be taking a Duelling Club on a Tuesday at 7 o'clock for first, second, third and fourth years and at 8.30pm for the fifth, sixth and seventh years. The idea is to learn in a more practical way to defend yourself in a dark time like this. Signup sheets will be posted in the common rooms over the next week. Now off to bed, you need to be well rested, your lessons start tomorrow.

There was a sudden burst of noise as everyone stood up and started making their way to the entrance hall. Harry got up and started to make his way with his friends to the common room. The Slytherins hissed at Harry as he went past, joking and laughing at his leg and his obvious panic in the hall. Harry swiftly made his way up the marble staircase. He forgot how many steps there were to the common room. He eventually got there and went through the portrait hole, Ron had said the new password (Fizzling Firecrackers) Harry came into the common room which went silent as people did in the great hall.

"Oh Harry, what did you do? Jump off a building being mental, going after the Dark Lord who has returned?" asked Seamus sarcastically. Ron grabbed Harry's robes to keep him from hitting Seamus.

"That's sick Finnigan, you cannot believe everything you read! You've been reading the profit haven't you?"

"Not me, but me Mam, and you know what it makes a lot more sense than you do Potter!" Harry stayed silent loathing him further and further. "Then tell us, all of us, what REALLY happened that night. Has he REALLY returned or are you just a madman looking for attention?"

"I'll tell you what, your right, I'm fucking mental, I'm everything the profit says about me and you know what your mams right, I shouldn't have come back to Hogwarts, because I should be DEAD. I should have ended it there and then. And you know what? You say what you want about me because I give up. It's my fault and I don't give a shit anymore!" roared Harry. The whole common room was listening by this point. Seamus paled as he said those words. A few people looked very shocked, they had never seen Harry lose his temper before.

Harry then left the commo room as fast as he could, making his way up to his dorm room, he heard a bang from the common room followed by applause. Seamus had obviously been hexed with Ginny's famous bat bogey hex. Harry went into his four-poster bed, grabbed his blade from his trunk and drew the curtains and charmed them to not open except for him. He placed a silencing charm around his bed and pulled up his sleeve of his robes. He cut four, five, six, seven times before he finally felt the relief of pain. He expected them to come running up after him, but they didn't.

…

Meanwhile in the common room:

The common room was stunned in silence after Ginny's bat bogey hex, they all had learned to not go near her when she was angry. Before any of them had been able to speak the portrait opened and in walked Professor McGonagall and Professor Lupin. Wondering what had gone on recently to stun the common room into silence McGonagall spoke "What in Merlin's name has been going on here?" she exclaimed as she saw Dean picking Seamus up from the floor. And seeing tears rolling down the youngest Weasleys face. Ron and Hermione looking stunned. Everyone stayed silent.

…

In the fifth years dorm room.

His glamour's fell as he cut further and tears were present in his eyes before he finally broke down. His thoughts bombarding his mind. See no one wants you here, you are so worthless, you should be dead. You could jump off the astronomy tower or even out of that window right there. It would be so quick and painless. You deserve this pain, to be punished, to be laughed at by the Slytherins. Those thoughts swirled around his mind as he laid down. Too exhausted to care anymore. Too exhausted of his mind and his aching body.

Harry finished cutting, he tied a towel around his wrist to stop the bleeding before it got too bad. He rolled down his sleeve and laid on his bed. He felt so tired he could sleep right there and then but he couldn't he heard a familiar voice calling his name. "Harry, are you alright"

"Yeah Moony, I'm okay"

"What happened Harry, you aren't ok. That panic attack at dinner and now this" he replied. Harry didn't know what to do, he didn't want to break down as soon as he had just managed to stop. He didn't want to feel this shit anymore. Remus sat on the bed beside him and put his arm around the boy who looked more like thirteen than fifteen. Harry was too exhausted to resist, so he let the tears flow and Remus embrace him. "It's okay Harry, I've got you" said Remus, trying to comfort the young boy.

Harry was so tired he fell asleep while with Remus. Remus laid him down and placed a blanket over him, letting the boy sleep. He would talk to him tomorrow. For the time being he called Dobby to keep an eye on him, to make sure he wasn't distressed when he woke up. If he was distressed to come and get him. Dobby was so excited about the job and smiled at Remus as he left to join McGonagall, in her office

…

In McGonagall's office

"Why don't you all tell me what has gone on tonight, you've only left the feast half an hour ago, acting like a clan of first years. It is not how prefects are supposed to act." She said sternly looking at Ron and Hermione. Ron spoke first.

"Well, we came into the common room and Seamus told Harry he was mental and to go jump off a building"

"Mr Finnigan? Please don't tell me this is true!" cried McGonagall

"No Professor, its true" snarled Seamus

"Why would you say something so erratic to Mr Potter? "she asked

"Well the stuff in the Daily Prophet Of course Professor, it has to be true. It makes more sense than he ever does. He hasn't even told us the story" Seamus explained.

"You do not have the right to force Mr Potter to give out any information on his experiences, that is his and his alone unless he chooses to share it" said Remus as he walked in to the room.

"Professor Lupin is right, you cannot go around telling people they are mental and to jump off a building, do you have any idea how serious that accusation is"

"no Professor" Seamus replied, finally calming down a little

"20 points will be taken from Gryffindor and you will have a detention Mr Finnigan, you may go" Seamus nodded and left quickly with Dean. The remaining three sat in silence.

"Professor Lupin, is Harry going to be ok?" asked Hermione

"I'm sure he will be, he's just tired that's all. Keep an eye on him though, will you?

"Of course," replied Hermione

"Now Miss Weasley, you did hex Mr Finnigan, I'm assuming it was in defence of Mr Potter" Ginny nodded, she couldn't speak, she couldn't imagine how Harry must be feeling right now. "Alright, you three may go" the trio left her office and made their way back to the common room. "Remus, what's happened to the young man I used to know?"

"I'm not sure, he wont talk to anyone including Sirius, its why I want the weekly meetings with hi, to make sure he is okay, maybe he will pick up now he's back at school"

"I hope you are right. Is he okay for tonight though?"

"He should sleep through, the headmaster placed a calming draft in his pumpkin juice earlier and he fell asleep as I was there to check on him."

"Yes, good, he almost panicked in my office earlier, he won't admit it will he?"

"No, the first step to face a problem is realising you have a problem"

"You are right there Lupin, we should get ready for lessons tomorrow"

"Alright, good night Minerva"

"Good night Remus, thank you for coming back" Remus smiled as he made his way out of the room. He went to his quarters and tried to prepare the lessons for the next day, but he couldn't help thinking about Harry.

Note: Another chapter down, how do you think Harry will cope now he is back at school. I'm back at uni now so updates will be less frequent, I'm trying to keep on top of it tho. please review. TR