AU Yeah! August 8: Kwami swap
(See the end of the chapter for AN)
Tsubasa was "sitting in" on a practice on the roof. Apparently, she needed practice in making lovey-dovey eyes at Honoka. They were so used to it, it didn't even disrupt practice much, Nico mused. But suddenly, something else - did.
Nine wispy outlines appeared out over the courtyard. They seemed to be watching the Mu's girls practice. One of the wisps vanished. When it reappeared, there was a tenth outline. These things were some sort of intelligent UFO! Nico decided Nozomi should take the pictures. But since it was her idea, she'd demand some of the royalties. And be the main person on the book deal. Did you get paid for talk shows?
"Nozomi! Take pictures!"
Nozomi nodded and pointed back at Nico. They rushed through the door and down the stairs to grab Nozomi's camera and video equipment from the club room.
When they got back, out of breath, the wisps had become distinct creatures, right in front of the remaining club members, who stood there in shock. The foremost wisp, with a face like a fox, spoke up.
"Welcome back, Yazawa and Toujou. As I was saying, we are grateful Kira-san is a womanizer, since we can dispense ten Miraculouses instead of nine, in one place. You two, please go to that side and wait your turns."
"I am Parfait - the Kwami of Perfection. I bestow the Foxy Choke Collar on Ayase Eli!" Before Eli could even react, it was so bestowed. She immediately underwent a typical magical girl transformation. At the end, she looked like a kitsune spirit in spandex. "Please greet your team leader, Kitsune Kick!"
With that, Parfait floated back. A panda-looking imp moved forward.
"I am Longmarch, the Kwami of Perseverance. Yazawa Nico I endow with the Panda Manacle Cuffs!" Nico transformed into a panda-looking magical girl with a longer and more dramatic display than Eli's. In the end, she was amazingly cute but not very intimidating. "Greet Panda-monium!" Nico went over and sat by Eli's feet. Unconsciously, the team leader petted Nico and scratched behind her ears, until her hand was batted away.
The next fairy had tiny horns and sultry eyes. She stared at Nozomi, then winked. "I am 'Bus, Kwami of Sensuality. To the slinky and sexy Toujou Nozomi is bequeathed the Bovine Nipple Ring! Greetings, Womanherd!" She flew up Nozomi's shirt, and a moment later, that girl's eyes widened in shock.
"Are you kidding me!" Nozomi shouted. 'Bus just winked at her. "The team leader must inspect the Miraculouses regularly. Yours is rather tricky, so it will probably require nightly inspection."
At that, Nozomi got a thoughtful look and stopped protesting. Kitsune Kick had fainted on top of Panda-monium, who was struggling to get out from under the tall Russian body pinning her to the ground.
A squirrelly fairy came forward next - B-Leave, the Kwami of Faith. It bestowed the Ear Gauge of Squirreliness on Honoka, whose magical girl persona looked bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Sacred Squirrel and Womanherd shook Kitsune Kick awake and helped her to her feet, much to the panda's relief.
A jet-black birdlike fairy came forward and spoke. "Cure, the Kwami of Sorrow, gives the Nightingale Nose-ring to Minami Kotori, who shall be known as Gothingale."
Umi had also fainted when Nozomi was given an enchanted nipple ring - and Eli was tasked with inspecting it. A hook-beaked fairy named Ted Un-Dawn, Kwami of Honor, bestowed the Falcon Cilice on her. Presented with scanty costumes and suggestive settings, the bill and talons of the cilice would bite into Umi's leg mildly, driving impure thoughts away. Falcon Crossed was woken and went over and sat by Panda-monium. Gothingale followed and sat on the falcon's other side.
Ak-Deek, the Kwami of Energy, bestowed the Tabby Tongue-stud on Rin, whose magical girl name became Cat Nip. At first, Rin had been presented with a ring with a black cat on it, but two copyright lawyers and the Registrar at the Miraculous Heroes' Guild had lodged a protest. When Cat Nip got the tongue stud, she touched it with her finger, and couldn't help looking over at Hanayo, who became the third Mu's member to swoon and faint.
In the excitement of catching Hanayo, they hadn't noticed that Maki had already transformed. "Hey!" Rin said. "She's another kitty!"
Although her face was, for some reason, beet red, Maki snapped back: "Hardly. If you had been selected by THIMK, the Fairy of Knowledge, as I have, you would know that a multicolored legendary panther is scarcely to be compared to a house-cat. And as for the ... the ...Panthery Something jewelry I was given, I am only going to tell Nico. And I guess my "hero-name" is Panthy. No, Rin and Honoka, not for "panty" but after the love interest in Revolutionary Girl Utena." And with that, she sat on the other side of Nico and whispered in her ear. The panda girl looked at Eli and said "Nico will handle all Panthy inspections, nico." And then, for some reason, she, too, fainted.
Hamster Honey spoke up at that. Like Maki, she'd transformed while they were watching others. She and Rin were the only girls with matching Jewelry, though Hanayo's was the Tongue-sten of Hamster. "Please don't be so mean to Rin-chan, Maki-chan! Just because you're ahead in school is no reason to look down on others." Her spirit, Feelya, the Kwami of Compassion, looked on approvingly.
"She's right, you know," said an unexpected voice. Kira Tsubasa grinned widely and you could see one of her back teeth had been replaced with a golden one, with the image of a girl's face in black on it. Hanayo, the closest person to Tsubasa, exclaimed "It kind of looks like Honoka-chan, but with whiskers!"
"Maki-chan, a girl with a pretty face like yours shouldn't be passing harsh words through those sensuous lips, should she? How would you like it if someone corrected Nico so condescendingly? I know I wouldn't put up with it if it was the cutest, sweetest, most adorable school idol ever to live, the immortal Kousaka Honoka! And as for the tooth, they said I had to put an otter on it, they didn't say I couldn't make it a cute school idol otter!"
"Well done, Ottergirl!" said the tenth sprite, which identified itself as Whiteday, the Kwami of Romance.
Together, they were Miraculous Mu's Plus Tsubasa. The kwamis found that awkward, and wanted to call them the Tremendous Ten, but after Tsubasa wrangled a magical girl spot for Erena and Anju, A-Mazing A-RISE and Miraculous Mu's joined forces to become the Terrific Twelve.
"You had to do it, didn't you, Yazawa-san."
Nico was woken by an almost-but-not-quite familiar voice.
"Hey! Longmarch! I think we have an incident here!" Nico called out.
"She's not here, thanks to you."
It was true. If this was an incident, she'd expect to see Longmarch's cute spritely form hovering, instead of - wait, wasn't this Maki's kwami, THIMK?
"What do you mean, thanks to me?"
"I don't see another magical girl who kissed my charge by the train-station at 15:35 and a half here. Do you?"
Uh oh. Well, yeah, they had been warned about Switcher akuma being around. They had been firmly ordered not to kiss anyone. But what harm one little kiss could do had gone through Nico's mind when Maki suddenly turned around and the sun lit up her perfect face. Anyone with a soul would have done the same.
"Why blame me, then? It takes two to kiss, after all!"
"Unlike Longmarch, who spoils and indulges you terribly, I am raising my magical girl properly, thank you very much. I have implored her on several occasions to either instill some rudimentary discipline in you or keep you away from Panthy, whose uncorrupted decorum is the fruit of my labors."
"Properly! You named her "panty," for all intents and purposes, for God's sake! You gave her - you-know-what! You're not a fit guardian or a spirit of knowledge, you're a train molester in tadpole form!"
"We intelligent like our little inside jokes, true. But at least I can keep it in my pants for one day while a bunch of highly volatile Switcher akuma are terrorizing normal and magical people alike."
"So, where's Longmarch, and - and I can't believe I'm asking this - how do I get her back?" Nico asked, grudgingly. She had rapidly burnt out on the whole magical girl deal after a couple of months, to be honest. But she did it for the others, not because the kwami wanted her to.
If a tadpole-looking cat-eyed fairy could be said to smirk, THIMK was smirking.
"Ah well, as to where she is ..."
Maki was famously hard to wake, but it was the Kwami of Persistence doing the waking. It took fifteen minutes, but Longmarch had budgeted that time in and started early.
"Panthy. Maki-san. Nishikino-san. I bring somewhat unfortunate news."
"Wha?" said Maki, blearily.
After Panda-monium had told her that Panthy lived mainly off coffee, the way she now lived off of vegetables and bamboo shoots, Longmarch had practiced conjuring cups of the drink. It had taken ages to master, but she'd planned to show off the next time Maki visited Nico. The smell of coffee on her night-stand made Maki get all the way up to fetch it.
She smiled at Nico's sprite. "Well," she said, "at least you know the proper way to deliver it."
"Oh, this is so romantic!"
Honoka woke up to a somewhat familiar voice, gushing at what she had in her bedroom.
"Oh it could use far more pictures of Tsubasa, but we can definitely work with this."
Without opening her eyes, she asked: "Whiteday. Is Tsubasa in trouble? Is there an incident?"
"Morning, Honoka! You're so cute when you sleep, I had to watch you for at least ten minutes before I spoke up."
The Kwami of Romance was a big Twilight fan, it turned out, so it probably thought that behavior fit in with the "romance" genre.
"Honoka," it interrupted her train of thought. "I could give you a complicated explanation of everything that's going on, but you'd just forget it. So let's skip to the summary, okay?"
Honoka nodded without lifting her head from the pillow.
"You and Tsubasa kissed yesterday, an akuma switched me and B-leave. Eventually it will wear off. Until she comes back you have squirrel powers, but not faith powers. Instead, you have my romance powers."
"Are they good for anything," Honoka wondered.
"Good for anything? Have you noticed how often Tsubasa gets her way?"
Only, like, always. That was a good point.
"And you have new combinations - you could lure a bad guy to a romantic dinner, then use your squirrel powers to go for his nuts."
"In Japanese, they're called 'golden eggs.'"
"All the more reason to study harder in English class."
Honoka opened her eyes at that.
"So umm .. Tsubasa - is a faith-based otter?"
"I suppose she is," the sprite said. It seemed to be amused.
Honoka pictured an otter with a Bible and a cross facing a crowd of monsters like in Ghost Hunt and giggled.
"So, I need to, like, practice romance powers?"
The sprite nodded.
"Because, I think the most romantic thing I could do now is .."
And then they both said "Find Tsubasa!" in unison.
Gothingale had flown to the dojo and paralyzed Falcon Crossed with her Nightingale Song, and she wasn't going to leave until they'd done something she could brag about in the Miraculous Mu's locker room. Her honor as a woman — well, as a womanizer, anyway — was at stake. In fact ... She really didn't know how to invoke Ted Un-dawn's powers, but as a nightingale trying to pin down a falcon, she needed all the help she could get. She turned red remembering a kabedon that hadn't even reached all the way to the wall and came off as a hug, for instance.
Okay, she muttered. Honor powers - activate! Help me seal the deal!
She had gotten Umi down to her underwear while still managing to pepper her body with kisses. The archer girl looked dazed, and not just from the song. Kotori had been counting on her not wanting to rend and bite - and she knew firsthand what a sucky defense Sorrow Powers were.
Then she made the mistake of looking Umi in the eyes.
"Kotori-chan! Kotori-chan! You're being so mean, doing such shameful things when we aren't even married! I don't like it, Kotori-chan! Let me up! ... Onegai!" The wily Umi was even stealing Kotori's lines! Somehow, Umi magically made her eyes twice the normal size, and they filled up with tears. With that, Umi's Sorrow Power grabbed ahold of Kotori, and she collapsed on top of Umi, who had regained enough function in her arms to roll her until they were lying side by side in Umi's bed.
Well, as the hero saying went, if brute force doesn't succeed, try seduction! Gothingale's honey tongue power had multiple uses, but that was one of the top three. She opened her mouth to start reducing Umi's will to resist orally and ... nothing came out. She felt a magical cage around her head, filtering what she could say. Oh crap .. she was locked into Honorable Negotiation mode. This was a power? All that she could get out was "Of course I'll marry you, Umi-chan!"
Umi's tears changed to tears of happiness. "I knew we were soul-mates! We can hold hands - and have one kiss at New Years - but I am glad Kotori agrees anything more than that will have to wait for MARRIAGE." Kotori could feel Falcon Crossed releasing Cure's Sorrow Bond, and Honorable Negotiation mode deactivating, but the damage was done. She supposed it was her own fault for trying to take advantage of Umi, especially because that falcon cilice must really be biting her, but still ...
Honor powers ... SUCK! She thought.
The combination of Nozomi's dairy and seduction powers had already totally embarrassed Eli more than once - the notable incident where Eli was photographed leaving the student council room with an obvious milk mustache came to mind - but she thought her trickster fox spirit and 'Bus's seduction powers might be fun to use. And what better target than Womanherd?
Only when it was too late did she realize what a combination of seduction and perfection could lead to, if the target was helping, not resisting. Suffice it to say, Kitsune Kick and Womanherd were going to be out of action - hero action - for the next few days.
The only change resulting from swapping Rin's energy with Hanayo's compassion was a switch in who was on top, which they both found refreshing. So both Hamster Honey and Cat Nip were raring to go after the akuma master.
By the time the rest joined them, behind the school, everybody and their kwami was helping their switching partner learn to use their Essence abilities - even Nico and Maki. In response to a very romantic plea by Sacred Squirrel, they put finding Ottergirl as their top priority. As it happened, that led them to the akuma master's hideout, anyway. Tsubasa was doing leaping and biting attacks on the akuma from a nearby stream. It was obvious she was tiring, but something kept her going in a way Longmarch became a little jealous of. Panthy told her to stop being ridiculous and help.
When Tsubasa's eyes met Honoka's, she said "I knew you would come. I knew it. I never doubted it for minute!"
Pleased at her faith in her partner, Honoka replied, "Whenever you are in trouble, Tsubasa - stay alive! I will find you!"
Everyone else groaned, but Tsubasa was clearly inspired, and fought like she'd gotten a second wind.
Then Honoka brought out a bouquet of roses. Even Tsubasa looked a little worried - weren't they in the middle of an akuma fight?
Honoka pointed to the wrapping paper, which said "Tuxedo Mask Florists and Hero Supplies." Then she presented the bouquet to Tsubasa and said, "Duck!"
With a thrilling and romantic flick of her fingers, all of the dozen roses found a target. Just like that, the number of akuma fighting was less than half what it had been. Meanwhile, THIMK had managed to come up with ways to make Nico;s panda powers effective in an actual fight, starting with a paralyzing Cuteness Bomb. Panthy had never deigned to ask THIMK for detailed help - knowledge was at the top of her skill-set already - but Nico had taken a more pragmatic approach, and the two snarky grumps were now fast friends. Her experience with Maki had taught her how to put up with snobbery for a good cause, after all.
When Cat Nip scratched the last akuma to pieces like a roll of toilet paper, they were suddenly interrupted by villainous laughter.
HAHAHAHAHAHAA! THE VICTORY IS SEEMINGLY YOURS TODAY, BUT I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE! MY DEMONS HAVE PLACED AN UNBREAKABLE SWITCHER CURSE ON ALL OF YOU. ONCE A YEAR, FOR A FULL CYCLE OF THE MOON, YOUR KWAMIS WILL BE RANDOMLY SHUFFLED, MIRACULOUS MUSE PLUS TSUBASA!
"The Terrific Twelve!" hissed Ottergirl. But the fiend, being a fiend, ignored the correction.
NOTHING YOU CAN DO WILL BREAK THIS CURSE, NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT INCAPA -
And just like that, he was silenced by a Falcon Right Cross - and a Kitsune Kick! Nozomi and Eli, wearing only night-gowns, had arrived.
As the groaning villain lost consciousness, he saw a smirking little panda crouch down and look him in the eye.
"We can work with that," she snickered.
EPILOG:
With the information from the kwamis that the Switcher effect would fade in another day or so, Tsubasa and Honoka decided to make the most of it, while they still had it. They had rented a flat-bottomed boat, and brought a picnic basket and art supplies, and were spending the afternoon on a secluded lake.
"Tsubasa ..." Honoka said. "Paint me like one of your French girls."
AN:
I should explain the pre-switch kwamis, miraculous jewelry, naming, etc. world-building.
First of all, unlike Miraculous Ladybug, they all got piercings, and not just earrings. This is an edgier, female-only parody AU after all.
Eli/Kitsune Kick: Fans have often associated her with Kitsune, and that goes well with her Kick move. Her Perfection kwami's name, "Parfait," literally means "perfect," and of course it's her girlfriend treat with Nozomi.
Nozomi/Womanherd: Pun on "womanhood" and herd of cows. Her Kwami of sensuality's name, " 'Bus," is short for succubus, though she's a Lilith variant, a liccubus. If I had more time I would have explained why Nozomi was so taken with a perfect foxy blonde parfait gay wearing a jeweled choker collar. Unfortunately I'll have to leave that a mystery for now.
Nico/Pandamonium: Due to manga artist Ooshima Tomo, and one of the cards in School Idol Festival, Nico is often depicted as a cute panda. Her impish nature leads to the panda-monium. The Long March was an epic march across China - the home of the panda - that decided its Civil War in the 1940s through patience and endurance. Sadly, in this story as in Love Live!, Nico is still the butt of a lot of physical humor.
Honoka/Sacred Squirrel: Honoka's heroine name is a pun on "Secret Squirrel," an old cartoon, and her faith power. B-leave sounded like an idol group to me but it's pretty dull for wordplay, really. Swapped Honoka's variant of throwing roses is from Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon.
Kotori/Gothingale: I wanted to call Kotori "Nightingoth" instead of "Gothingale," but "Gothingale's Nightingale Song" read better than "Nightingoth's Nightingale" did to me. Why The Cure would be the Kwami of Sorrow's name is almost self-explanatory.
Umi/Falcon Crossed: Umi's name is also pretty feeble, a distant pun on "Falcon Crest," an old American night-time soap opera, and her boxing cross punch. Her kwami of Honor's full name is Undawn, Ted.
Rin/Cat Nip: Rin's name, Cat Nip, is pretty typical boilerplate costume hero crap. Her kwami of Energy's name, "AK-Deek," is spelled AC/DC."
Hanayo/Hamster Honey: Hanayo's name is also a cute version of standard animal hero naming. Her tongue stud is made of tungsten, but it's the special toungue-sten of hamster, which just sounds interesting. For compassion, kwami Feelya, like B-leave, is just very lame.
Maki/Panthy: As the kwami of condescending know-it-alls, THIMK (a well-known parody of the IBM slogan) made Maki's name as a combination of panther, panty, and, as Maki explains, Anthy, the yuri love interest in Revolutionary Girl Utena. She was given a Panther P_y ring, which is why none of them will say what it is, and only Nico can inspect it.
Tsubasa/Otter Girl: Tsubasa's name is a pun on "atta girl!" and her otter power. Kwami White Day is the Valentine's Day payback holiday in March in Japan. It's a treacly thing created by the candy industry which caught on. Whiteday's concepts of Romance come from Twilight, Titanic, the Last of the Mohicans, and other fine films.