A/n: Response to this story has been overwhelming! I hope you continue to enjoy my work.
Kurt watched the man working, his goggles covering most of his face and a look of determination filling the visible portion. Kurt watched in awe at the precision with which Bruce worked, it was evident that the man was doing what he loved in the care he took as he measured and mixed the different chemicals. Kurt was supposed to be working as a lab assistant but he out of his depth, he knew enough chemistry to follow what they were doing and hand Bruce the correct substances or equipment when he asked for it but he didn't know what a polytechnic additive material was or how to make one.
"Please hand me the blow torch," Bruce said, breaking their silence, "Set to two thousand kelvins." Kurt did as he had been instructed to do, he watched in awe as the man superheated the clear liquid till it turned milky and eventually into an opaque white liquid. From what Kurt had read of the composite substance he knew the final product was supposed to be white.
"Is it ready to go into the 3D printer now?" Kurt bounced excitedly.
"No, but we're almost done," Bruce poured the liquid into a cylindrical mould as he spoke, "it needs to cool and then be drawn before we can put it into the printer."
"Well," Kurt shrugged, "When you're ready, the schematics Charlie snatched off the SHIELD website have been loaded into the printer and when the handcuffs have been printed I can help you test them."
Bruce chuckled, "You're cheeky."
"That's not even where I was going with this," Kurt pursed his lips, ran his index finger over the contours of Bruce's faces, "but if that's an offer, I don't know if I can resist."
"That's not what I was saying," Bruce raised his hands in surrender as he moved around the work space, keeping it between them.
"Oh," Kurt caressed the contours of his own face instead, "Now what?"
"Now, we wait," Bruce took a seat and watched the mould.
"Watching composite materials harden is almost as boring as watching paint dry," Kurt said, breaking the man's concentration, "tell me something, something interesting."
"This material will be able to withstand four thousand bars of pressure," Bruce smiled excitedly, "that's almost thirty tons of pressure per square inch."
"Seven elephants per square inch," Kurt nodded. He leaned in closer to the man, "I mean something that is really interesting."
"It's a third of a whale per square inch," the man teased, leaning forward to rest his chin in his palms.
"I'm being serious Bruce," Kurt leaned over the work surface and gave the man's shoulder a playful nudge.
Bruce seemed to think about it for a moment, "my appendix grew back after the first time I turned into the other guy."
"Excuse me?"
"I had my appendix removed when I was younger but now I have one again," Bruce smiled, "I can't explain it, I guess it was part of the whole invulnerability to disease thing."
"Ever considered becoming a serial organ donor?" Kurt chuckled, "Give away a kidney, hulk out, grow a new one?"
"You mean my gamma riddled organs?" Bruce scoffed, "They would either kill people or spread this… thing."
"That wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing," Kurt shrugged, "I've met the other guy and he wasn't half bad." Kurt thought back to how he'd laid on the beach with the Hulk's head on his chest as he listened to Kurt's heartbeat for what felt like forever. He smirked, "I think he was kind of cute."
"You should be a politician, with that charm you could rule the world," Bruce teased. He shook his head, "The last thing the world needs is more of the Hulk, that's why I got a vasectomy."
"Nobody wants children, they're awful!" Kurt shuddered for a moment but was overtaken by malevolence, "how sure are you that it hasn't healed?"
"I'm not," Bruce shrugged, a malevolent grin on his face, "but I always take hot baths, wear tight underwear, never stay cool in summer, and I've been trying to put on weight."
Kurt giggled, "you're really dedicated to male infertility."
"A little," Bruce smirked.
"You know," Kurt took Bruce's hand in his own over the table, "just because it was in a Tina Turner song doesn't mean it's an absolute truth."
"I'm sorry," Bruce furrowed his brow and Kurt couldn't help smiling, "I don't follow."
"She said that we don't need another hero," Kurt tilted his head, "she was wrong, the world would be a much better place with more people like you."
"You're just saying that because these guns are amazing!"
They chuckled for a moment, Kurt squared his shoulders, "Can I ask one question?"
Bruce blushed, "I knew this was coming at some point, sure."
"How does the law of conservation of matter apply in this case?" Kurt furrowed his brow, "Because you grow almost three feet and put on more than a ton. Is energy converted to matter, substituted by adrenaline, and then matter is converted back into energy?"
Bruce stared at him, "That is not the question I thought you were going to ask."
"Has no one ever asked you this before?" Kurt gaped at him.
"You be surprised what it is about the other guy that interests people," Bruce scoffed, he gave Kurt's question some thoughts, "I think you're right on the first part; energy is converted into matter and the other guy is fuelled by adrenaline. I do however think that the energy released by the loss of mass mostly dissipates, considering how weak I feel afterward and how I sometimes pass out."
"Giving the other guy a physical would be very interesting," Kurt mused to himself, "Imagine the things we could learn based on his blood and tissue samples, x-rays and general physiology." Kurt shook his head, "I, of all people, understand why that isn't feasible. The things that the medical community has done to its fellow humans in the name of scientific exploration," Kurt shook his head, "people like us are wise to steer clear of them."
Bruce seemed flabbergasted by Kurt's implication, "You think you're like the other guy?"
"I may not have saved the world like you have," Kurt looked the man dead in the eye despite every instinct to look away, "but yes, I think we're simpatico. I think the three of us are cut from the same cloth."
"Oh, wow," the man shook his head.
"Considering that I've met and engaged with the other guy," Kurt pulled all his confidence into his smile, he needed Bruce to see that he truly believed what he was saying, "I think I can make a fair assessment."
Bruce was silent. He let out an exacerbated sigh, "When I said it doesn't work with me and women, I wasn't giving a coded reference to my sexuality, I was speaking from experience." He didn't make eye contact with Kurt, choosing to look down at his hands, "my college girlfriend was there from before the other guy was around. After the experiment he hurt her, I hurt her by making her watch me switch between being the man she loved and a monster. I tried to leave her for her own good but when we found each other again I selfishly held onto her till we reached a breaking point." Bruce met Kurt's gaze, "She wasn't the only one, I'm here because I left someone who had come to rely on me; I hurt her as well."
"Do you think telling me that you have a past will drive me away?" Kurt was blinking too much but he couldn't stop himself, "We all have pasts, I expect that you have a history."
"I'm not telling you that I have a past," Bruce shook his head, his voice made the delicate glass beakers shake, "I'm telling you that I'm no good for you, I'm a monster and I will hurt you."
"I think I get to decide what is and isn't good for me," Kurt snapped. He reached across the table but Bruce pulled his hand away, "if you think you're going to hurt me by leaving me then you are under estimating my resilience. I've been hurt before and I know what it feels like, hurt isn't you walking out of my life. Hurt is words filled with hate spoken with disgust, it's violence because I'm not who you want me to be." Kurt shook his head, his hand still extended toward Bruce, "the closest I've ever gotten to intimacy was with a boy who didn't know whether he wanted to punch me or kiss me. I have very low expectations for my romantic life," Kurt let out a tired chuckle, "and you supersede them exponentially."
"I will hurt you," Bruce whispered.
"And I will heal," Kurt smiled as Bruce put his hand in his, "I'm not afraid of being hurt."
"That's the frightening part," Bruce's hand shook.
"Do you have feelings for me Bruce?"
The older man blushed and Kurt tried his hardest not to blush, "well, it's impossible to know someone and not have feelings for them."
"That's cute," Kurt pursed his lips and glared at him, "But I'm being dead serious." Kurt rubbed lazy circles into the back of the man's hands, "Don't give me an overly complicated answer, don't make reference to me being underage- because if your mind is there, it's in dirtier places too- and don't bring up my predecessor as a shield. Do you have feelings for me?"
"How is it that you've managed to eliminate every effort I could have made to avoid answering the question?"
"I'm a smart cookie," Kurt grinned, "Do you have feelings for me?"
"Yes," Bruce's shoulders slumped, "so many feelings I don't know where to begin."
"Try listing them in alphabetical order," Kurt teased.
"I was never very good at my ABCs," Bruce admitted, "I found them beneath me."
Kurt thought about it for a moment, "Then maybe list them from the one you're least afraid of to the one that scares you most."
"How's about I tell you the two extremes on that scale?"
"To satiate my curiosity you would have to tell me why," Kurt grinned.
"Why," Bruce nodded to himself, "I can do that." He breathed heavily, getting to his feet and letting go of Kurt's hand. Kurt watched the man stretch as if he were about to run a marathon, "let's start with the easy one, the one I'm least afraid of. I'm fascinated by you; you're intelligent, witty, multi-talented, charming, in tune with the world, self-important, down to earth, beautiful and out of this world."
"Literally," Kurt chuckled.
"In every way," Bruce countered, Kurt couldn't help blushing. Bruce went from beaming sunshine and rainbows to being monochromatic and stormy skied, "I'm most afraid of how drawn I am to you. It feels like there's another other guy in my life, the way you dominate my thoughts; it feels like an addiction, so primal and basic that despite how erudite I am I still can't fight it." he shook his head, "you take over my life without even trying or meaning to. When I hear your voice, see you, smell your scent, think of you; it makes me want to know how you taste, makes me want to touch you."
"I'm as primal as the other guy?" Kurt asked, trying to hide his pleasure at the man's words; he wanted so badly to ask the man if he'd felt the same way about his other loves but could not bring himself to soil his moment with their memories. Kurt didn't want to compete because he knew that the way Bruce felt about them was a lot healthier than what they felt for each other, that made them more sustainable than Bruce and Kurt could ever be.
"It's almost as if he's in love with you!" when Bruce said the words, the room felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of it. They had, at most, known each other two or so weeks but now that it was out there. Kurt tried not to overthink the man's words, Bruce sighed heavily, "The way I feel about you is the first thing to burn as heavily as the anger."
Kurt took a deep breath, he knew what that meant, "That doesn't make it a bad thing."
"How could it be a good thing?"
"Because," Kurt took a deep breath, understanding more of what Bruce's feelings meant, "if you can embrace how you feel about me, then you can embrace the other guy. If he's really in love with me, then you're halfway there."
Bruce fell back into his seat and reached out for Kurt's hand once more, "That's the scary part."
"That's the beautiful part," Kurt countered, "even if this feeling only lasts for the next ten minutes, we need to allow ourselves to bask in it. Give ourselves permission to be as one together despite the potential for hurt and pain." Kurt's voice shrunk, "even if all it does is drive you to someone else."
~0~
Kurt rolled his eyes when he saw his friend dancing in the spot where they met daily to walk to school together, Kurt knew his friend was excitable but that didn't mean he was getting used to it. Kurt didn't try to guess what had the boy excited today; Charlie could be excited about anything from having clipped his toenails that morning to having Thor under his bed, he'd probably be equally excited about both.
"Before you say anything," Kurt held up his hand to keep the boy silent, "I wanted to let you know that Bruce will no longer be living in my house effective today, he will be moving into the apprentice's apartment above the garage."
"Why?" Charlie furrowed his brow in confusion whilst a smile spread across his face, "did your dad catch you guys doing it?"
"Funny," Kurt rolled his eyes, "but not that far off."
"You're only planning on doing it?"
"We're planning on exploring our mutual attraction," Kurt clarified, "yes. I felt I would be taking undue advantage of my father if I had my suitor living one door down, something that would never happen if I were a heterosexual."
"Not unless she was your Cersei!" Charlie smirked, "Are you and Bruce finally going to clear the sexual tension that even your father could see?"
"I'm not telling you anything about what Bruce and I have planned," Kurt poked his friend's chest, "maybe you can hear it from Bruce but my lips are sealed."
Charlie shook his head, "Don't you remember what I said about putting it in your mouth?"
"Vividly," Kurt shuddered, "we haven't even kissed yet."
"You haven't kissed him yet?"
"We're building a solid emotional foundation to what I'm afraid will be a s,all beach bungalow of a relationship," Kurt's shoulders slumped.
"Why do you think that?"
"Because there will come a time when he will no longer feel safe here," Kurt adjusted his perfect hair, "he will move on at some point."
"That's deep."
"Only way I do it," Kurt giggled, "Now, what's got you so excited?"
"I found it," the boy bounced on the spot, a toothy grin plastered on his handsome face.
Kurt widened his eyes and let his mouth hang open, "you found a Ms New Booty! Happy days, I've been looking for one for as long as I can remember." Kurt wasn't sure why he'd switched to a fake southern accent to mock the boy but it was working out, "Take me to it, I want to bask in it's amazing glow."
"That's cute," Charlie smirked, supressing a chuckle, "but no, I might have found our first case, our first inhuman."
Kurt shrugged, "Not as exciting as Ms New Booty."
"Nothing is as exciting as Ms New Booty."
"Touché," Kurt narrowed his gaze, "How did you-"
"I created a new spider that looks for repetitive patterns in police reports or hospital records that are linked to unexplained behaviour in Alaska," Charlie had a goofy grin on his face.
"What'd you find?" Kurt asked, an impressed smile on his face.
"There have been a number of pseudo-crucifixions happening in and around Sitka," Charlie kept nodding until Kurt nodded to show that he understood what he was being told, "so when the spider found a pattern, a different one I wrote then looked for a common thread between- in this case- the victims."
"And?"
"They were all on the same high school football team," Charlie did a self-congratulatory body roll, "Classic douchebags, probably bullies."
Kurt gave what he was being told a moment's thought, "Do you think one of their former victims is killing their bullies for revenge?"
"Revenge, yes. Killing, no." Kurt quirked a curious brow, and the boy grew even more self-congratulatory, "All the victims are alive."
"You do realise that crucifixion is a method of execution?" Kurt crossed his arms, "if you are subject to it, you die. Even if you come back in three days, dying is part of the game."
"Did you not hear me say pseudo?" the boy cocked his hip for dramatic effect.
Kurt shook his head, "You're going to have to extrapolate on that point."
Charlie rolled his eyes, "They were found hanging from goal posts dressed in loincloths."
"Sexy," Kurt nodded to himself.
"They were all past their prime," Charlie shook his head in disgust, "the complete opposite of sexy."
"When did these people graduate?" Kurt quirked a brow.
"Donkey's years ago," Charlie shook his head, "like… two thousand and eight."
"Oh my gosh," Kurt rolled his eyes, "those people are like a hundred now, why can't they just grow up?"
"Their childish ways got us our first case," Charlie said with a smarmy smile.
Kurt shrugged, "Bruce finished printing the a few more of the magnetic handcuffs, I couldn't break out of them but my dad could. Hopefully none of the inhumans we encounter are stronger than me, the cuffs held their properties at temperatures as low as fifty kelvins and as high as two thousand kelvins."
"Are those handcuffs your love-child?" Charlie made a lewd gesture.
"You're the only child I have," Kurt rolled his eyes. He squared up with his friend, "what is your plan of action?"
"My plan of action?" Charlie spluttered.
"You're the team leader," Kurt scoffed, "You make the plans."
Charlie let out a high pitched squeal of terror, "how did I become team leader?"
"By bringing together the team and snatching all the necessary info off the SHIELD system," Kurt smiled at his friend, "You're doing a great job."
"I don't have leadership potential," Charlie shook his head and chuckled to himself, "I'm least fit for the position."
"You're the only one who is fit," Kurt put a hand on his friend's shoulder, "my father and I were born with our abilities, we've had all our lives to come to terms with our abilities and non-human status." He flashed an assuring smile, "Bruce is self-loathing and unfit to offer council to people who have recently crossed the event horizon of their lives."
"But-"
"You're a confident non-human, who knows what it's like to come into their own because of their abilities," Kurt smiled, "what's the plan fearless leader."
Charlie nodded to himself, "We're going to need our most likable and down to earth members working on this."
Kurt gave Charlie a sideways glance, "You and my father?"
"Yes," Charlie nodded rigorously, "we just need to find a few of these victims and ask them who did this to them and how." Charlie waited for Kurt to nod with him, "then you come in and work that mind bullshit you just did on me and try to get them to come peacefully, or you and the green guy can beat the shit out of them."
"Firstly, my psych mark wasn't that good," Kurt smiled, "but that is a great plan."
"So?"
"You get started," Kurt smirked, "I have a little work to do."
"What work?"
Kurt's grin grew more malevolently, "Let's say my plan will result in me exclusively beating the shit out of people."
"Sexy," Charlie nodded to himself. The boy's smile fell, "Wait; If I'm team leader, then who are you?"
"I'm Santa Claus," Kurt smiled.
"Because you're the gift that keeps on giving?"
"Nope-"
The boy interrupted him, "Because you're filled with child-like wonder?"
"No, if you'll-"
Charlie interrupted him again, "Is this a weird sex thing?"
"Because I like to eat cookies and milk," Kurt snapped.
"Doesn't everyone?"
"On only one night a year," Kurt finally completed his train of thought.
Charlie's eyes grew wide, "Santa, it is you!"
~0~
"Tell me," Ms Daniels leaned forward in her seat in a fashion that made Kurt think of Barbra Streisand in The Prince of Tides, "how is your relationship with your father?"
"Great," Kurt smiled, musing to himself about how all she needed to complete her look was a jaw length bob because she already had the business suit, "We get along exceptionally well, we're so close it's almost incestuous."
"I beg your pardon?"
"Right, not the time or the place for jokes," Kurt smiled guiltily, "Also, very distasteful. That's how people end up being investigated by child services." Kurt smiled, "my father is a man of above average, I am of sub-excellent intellectual capacity; it makes it very easy for us to live together, we share many interests which makes it easy for us to get along."
"How does your sexuality factor into that relationship?"
"It doesn't," Kurt shrugged, "my dad is loving, accepting, supportive and protective of me at all times. My sexuality only serves to amplify the necessity and his desire to do these things."
"So he's accepting," Kurt tried not to laugh at how the woman seemed to be reading the questions from a list, he gave her the benefit of the doubt because she was young.
"Very," Kurt smiled condescendingly, "granted he's only ever dealt with my sexuality as an abstract idea."
"An abstract idea?"
"I have no dating life to speak of," Kurt shrugged, "I don't think the fact that the only man I'm currently interested in is thirty years my senior helps the matter but it should keep things interesting."
"Thirty years your senior, I understand why that might be a source of concern," Ms Daniels pursed her lips and scribbled something into her notepad, "It's not one of your teachers, is it?"
"Ew," Kurt cringed, "on a teacher's salary, I'd rather chew glass."
"That's not hurtful at all," Ms Daniels chuckled.
"Really," Kurt tilted his head in mock contemplation, "I must be losing my touch." Kurt buffed his nails on his blazer, "how many sessions have we had?"
"This will be our third," Ms Daniels peered at Kurt over the top of her spectacles.
"That makes this is our final mandatory session," Kurt said, completing her line thought, "what do you think of the progress we've made?"
"I think we've made some leaps and bounds," Kurt watched her shift under his gaze, "Given that we've only had a few sessions, I think if we have a few more sessions we can start to see progress."
Kurt quirked a brow, "And what is it that we're progressing toward?"
"That's a loaded question with an even more loaded answer," she leaned forward and Kurt suspected that she had rehearsed this answer, "the destination is constantly evolving and like the horizon, recedes as you approach it."
"Like that answer," Kurt giggled.
"Those are very good questions and I try to give them intelligent, tangible answers," she smiled and bowed her head, "You'll remember from my class last semester that I expect the same of my students."
"I think you have a gift for teaching," Kurt smiled brightly at her, "So I would like to offer you an ultimatum."
"You're offering me an ultimatum," the confusion was evident on his former psychology teacher's face, "I don't understand."
"This is a blue pill, red pill moment," Kurt smirked, "This is not the Matrix but I am the oracle, do you want to grow stronger? The question is rhetorical."
"You're not making any sense."
"I would like to offer you the doctoral thesis of a lifetime, one that will change the field of psychiatry as we know it," Kurt smiled, projecting hope in an effort to influence her thought process, "at a small price."
"Buying research is against every academic integrity rule there is," she scoffed, Kurt knew he had her on the hook and all he had to do was reel her in, "I'm surprised at you Kurt."
"I'm not selling you research, I'm not selling you anything really," Kurt leaned forward, "I have a proposition for you, I would like to offer you the opportunity to complete your thesis on non-human psychology."
"Non-human?"
"Alien, trans-dimensional, mutant, inhuman," Kurt reclined in his seat and shrugged, "You can shrink all those heads."
"The price?"
"You just have to teach us how to talk someone off the edge of a cliff," Kurt crossed his legs for dramatic effect, "until we're ready you would have to do the job."
"Kurt," Ms Daniels leaned forward, "I don't think this is a delusion but I'm not sure what you're saying."
"Think about the mind of a man who aged to maturity in a day and lived a thousand years, an alien who grew up amongst the population, a young mutant finding his way in the world," Kurt shrugged, "sounds like the academic lottery to me." She shook her head and Kurt knew she needed to be convinced just a little bit more before she gave in to his will; he got to his feet, cracked his knuckled for dramatic effect and picked up her couch with one hand, "it's only a couch but we can go outside and I can pick up your car with my other hand, or we can go to the depot and I can bench press a bus."
"This'll do," she gaped at him.
"Excellent, I would have dreaded laying down to bench press a bus; this is vintage Chanel," Kurt shook his head, "Now, let me tell you the plan."
~0~
"Are you sure this will work?" Ms Daniels hissed from the seat beside him.
Kurt smiled at her, "Charlie hasn't led us wrong yet, his leadership skills are on fleek."
"On fleek," she furrowed her brow, "that's a good thing, right?"
"Don't dignify that with a response," Charlie said in a commanding voice.
"If you kids in the back don't stop fighting I'm going to turn this car around," his father called from the driver's seat, "Play nice."
"I'm an adult," Ms Daniels countered.
"You're twenty-four, he's a few thousand years old," Bruce added from the passenger's seat, "he always wins."
"I'm omniscient and omnipotent," Kurt's father chuckled, "that's why I always win, the fact that I'm not benevolent means you know I always cheat."
Kurt scoffed, "You're nowhere near omniscient, you're not even demiscient."
"I know enough to know that 'demiscient' isn't a word," his father countered.
"Shakespeare stayed inventing words," Kurt shrugged, "Why not me?"
"Because you're not Shakespeare," his father countered, "which isn't necessarily a bad thing, comparing people to a warm summers day when you live in England where it doesn't get that warm is not a compliment."
"On that we agree," Kurt nodded, "that was before global warming and urban heat domes, he was basically telling her that she was eighty degrees of heat."
"We're almost there," Bruce interjected.
Charlie let out a relieved sigh, "Thank god!"
"No need to thank me," Burt Hummel laughed at his own joke.
Kurt glared at his father, "I hope you die."
"Don't hold your breath," his father quipped.
"I want you to know that you suck at road trips," Charlie glared at him.
"Don't look at me, I made the most fire playlist for this trip but you guys wanted to talk," They all got out of his father's car and Kurt looked around in confusion, "Blockbusters, what is this place?"
"Get this," Charlie giggled, "apparently you rent movies from here, and the movies are on discs."
Kurt furrowed his brow, "That doesn't make any sense, why would anyone do that? What's wrong with their internet?"
"It's from before they had movies on the internet," Burt explained.
"That can't be a real thing," Kurt scoffed, "when was this? The eighties."
"Some of the nineties and the early two thousands too," Bruce grinned, "Blockbuster I know, I may not know where Pokémon are going or how to smoke Blue Ivy but I know this place; I used to have a membership."
"Blue Ivy is a person," the group chorused.
"You're shitting me!"
"There's also a person named North West," Burt grinned.
Bruce's mouth fell open, "Like the cardinal point?"
"Exactly like the cardinal point," Burt's grin turned more malevolent, "First name North, last name West."
Kurt furrowed his brow and looked his dead in the eye, "You named your son Elizabeth, you have no leg to stand on."
"Time to do the thing," Charlie gestured to his watch and, like clockwork, an overweight man stepped out of the video rental store.
"Reginald Costicle?" Kurt stepped closer to the man, "I am Kurt Elizabeth Hummel and I represent an autonomous group that recruits specially abled people like yourself for a parastatal unit called the ATCU."
"What are you? Like fourteen?" the man swished his rather unfortunate ponytail as he spoke.
"I have a great plastic surgeon," Kurt flashed a toothy grin, "We were alerted to your abilities by an acquaintance of yours, a Mr Zachery Smith."
"You can't trust Zach," the man shook his head, "I hear he's been hitting the sauce again."
"I don't know what that means because I'm from this century," Kurt tried his best to keep smiling but the man was wearing him thin, "but you aren't in any trouble, nobody has pressed any charges."
"Then why is the government looking for me," Reginald shouted back.
"We just want to know more about your abilities and help you manage them," Kurt kept a melody in the base of his voice, "Mr Smith tells us that you moved in a way uncoming of anyone." The man leaped into the sky and Kurt's draw dropped, "We're doing this the hard way."
Kurt bent his knees and jumped into the sky after the man, he caught unawares by Kurt's ability to follow him, "What the hell?"
"End it before gravity sets in," Charlie shouted from the ground.
Kurt grabbed man by the ankle and flung him to the ground, "Somebody catch him."
"By someone, you mean me?" his father shouted up at him.
Kurt started falling and he shifted into a dive formation to make quick work of his descent. Kurt hit the ground and elegantly folded himself into a ball, tucked and rolled into a fighting stance. The man was in his father's arms bridal style; Burt put the man on the ground and as expected, he charged toward Kurt, swinging punch after punch in his direction. Kurt supposed that the man had picked him because he was the smallest person in the group and some archaic form of chivalry prevented him from attacking Miss Daniels, Kurt was on the defensive but it was wearing him thin.
"Could someone intervene before I break Mr Costicle's coxal bone?" Kurt groaned as he shoved the man across the road and dusted himself off, "this sweater is Marc Jacobs, and it is cashmere."
"I told you not to wear it," Charlie grinned maniacally as he went on the offensive. Kurt watched him follow the man around the intersection, the near freezing winds were keeping the street clear but they had chosen to confine themselves to this block after Charlie had put on the GPS database that there would be construction. The boy was agile and quick as he tried to catch the large man.
"Mr Costicle," Miss Daniels called after him as she tried to soothe him where Kurt had failed, "we're acting in your best interest here, we truly mean you no harm."
"Is that why you threw me to the ground from a hundred feet in the air?" the man growled as he jumped outside of Charlie's grasp.
"That's why we caught you," she countered in a soothing voice that was very sagely, "we want to bring you into an organisation that is geared toward helping people like you."
"Fat chance of that happening," the man scoffed.
"Am I approved to use the hard way?" Kurt growled.
"Try not to rough him up too much," his father called out to him.
Kurt grinned maniacally, "let's have fun." Kurt crouched and leaped up toward the man but he was flying higher than Kurt could jump in one go, he landed on the edge of nearby building and leaped straight to Mr Costicle. Kurt took hold of the man's arm and twisted it behind him, "You still want to do this the hard way?"
"Let me go," Kurt grinned, and unclipped a one of their magnetic hand cuffs. Kurt snapped it onto the man's wrist and switched it on, the powerful electro magnet pulled them straight toward the ground and hooked onto the street light. Kurt swung down from where the man was hanging, "I hate the hard way."
"Who are you trying to convince?" Bruce teased as he turned on the other half of the hand cuffs, pulling the man down toward them, "you liked roughing him up."
Kurt gave a shy smile, "I'd like to exercise my fifth amendment right not to incriminate myself."
When they had the man hand cuffed his father carried him to the back of his pick-up truck, he opened the large crate to reveal a lining made of the same alloy as the handcuffs and a small seat. The man was forced to take a seat and the cuffs were deactivated.
Kurt took the cuffs back and clipped them onto his belt, "there are snacks under your seat. Have a safe trip."
When they closed the crate, they stood staring at each other, it was his father who spoke, "who gets to take him to the post office?"
"Considering I just did all the work while you all stood around," Kurt smiled maniacally, "I'm going to say not me."
"I'll do it," Charlie volunteered, "but we need to have a debriefing about how badly this went."
"I agree," Kurt and his father said in unison.
"Disaster," Kurt extrapolated.
"We got the guy," Ms Daniels interjected, "without destroying anything."
"But we worked very inefficiently and we didn't follow our own protocol," Charlie countered.
"Can we have this conversation somewhere else," Bruce smiled shyly, "it's really cold out here."
"I'm going to do some shopping and then I'm going to call an Über home," Kurt waved to the team and turned on his heels.
"You're just going to leave us here?" Bruce groaned.
Kurt furrowed his brow, "we came in a car, get back into that car."
Bruce blushed, "blonde moment."
~0~
"Thank you all for coming to this feedback session," Kurt smiled, "I know your present is your presence."
"I brought macarons," Ms Daniels countered.
"And we thank you for your store bought macarons," Kurt rolled his eyes, "the rest of you could learn a thing or two from Ms Daniels' efforts."
"I'm a poor student," Charlie squealed.
Kurt shook his head, "You are upper management, you should set the example." Kurt glared at his associates and flipped open his charts, "let's direct our attention to the charts I prepared."
"We were apart for an hour," Charlie gaped at him.
"I had the template for a top to bottom debriefing prepared," Kurt shrugged.
"I bet you know top to bottom debriefings well," Charlie guffawed.
"My father is here," Kurt blushed. He straightened up, "which is why I'm going to start by critiquing your work. You're at the pinnacle of this pyramid and today you failed to play point, it is your responsibility to make sure that everyone else is playing their part and you didn't do that."
Charlie nodded, "harsh but true."
"Only way I do it," Kurt grinned, "next we'll address issues in middle management, Let's begin with the work of Kurt Elizabeth Hummel; as the muscle and the person who is responsible for the swift retrieval of our targets, I delivered subpar work and we'll work on efficiency. I would like to open critique to the floor, pointers?"
"We value our lives," his father quipped.
"Well Father," Kurt smiled, "your work was exemplary but not without flaws! You did your catching when you were supposed to catch, you were helpful when we needed you to be helpful but you didn't handcuff the target before letting him go." Kurt turned to Miss Daniels, "you Miss Daniels need to use your words when they are still useful, before our target picks the hard way."
"I had a frog in my throat," she nodded, "I think I can do better next time."
"Then there's Bruce," Kurt shook his head, "You basically did nothing, let's strive to engage in the future."
"That is fair," Bruce nodded, "I was trying to stay calm."
"Why?"
Bruce gave him a pointed look, "I think we all know why."
Kurt rolled his eyes, he flipped the chart and revealed a solution table, "I think our first engagement has taught us that there are changes to be made to the plan; communication is a very serious problem, we need to be able communicate over longer distances without our target learning our plan. I have a solution," Kurt smiled, "two thousand and four is here to help."
Kurt handed out small boxes and smiled, Bruce flipped the box in his hands, "Bluetooth headsets?"
"We can be on a conference call and effectively exchange information during an engagement," Kurt explained. He filled it onto the chart, "Next is the plan."
"I thought you said you liked my plan," Charlie countered.
"I do but a slight tweak could make it more efficient," Kurt smiled, "Your plan would work very well if we had as many resources and the training that SHIELD and the ATCU have."
"What's the solution?" His father eyed him cautiously.
"I think in order for Ms Daniels to work more effectively we have to break down the plan into stages," Kurt explained, "it was all quite simple once I got to thinking on it in the über home; we need to send Ms Daniels in first to try and reason with our target."
"If I fail," she gaped at him.
"The second stage comes into effect, we send in the heavy artillery," Kurt smiled before turning to Bruce, "all of it."
"That's actually a great improvement on my plan," Charlie smiled at him, "you're good."
"I'm in agreement," Burt grinned, "when can we expect to hear back on logistics?"
"You guys sent the crate by overnight express," Kurt nodded to himself, "I left a message telling them to expect it in the morning and I have the feeling they'll get back to me by the afternoon tomorrow."
~0~
Kurt was rigorous in his vacuuming, he worked quickly and efficiently to get the bedroom ready for human consumption. Kurt stopped humming when he sensed his father's presence, he looked up and saw the man's eyes wrinkle at the corners.
"If there's one thing you got from your mother, it's this obsessive need for things to be just the way you like them," Burt smiled at him, "the longer you live, the sooner you'll realise that's not how the world works."
"I'm sure I'll be able to handle learning that I'm not the centre of the world," Kurt smirked, leaning up against the upright vac as he waited for his father to allow him to resume his work, "the one thing I'm glad I'll never have to let go of is getting my way."
His father chuckled, "Do you want to tell me why you suggested Bruce move out? Seems counter intuitive."
"We need our privacy," Kurt shrugged as he straightened a pillow on the bed.
"What do we need privacy for?"
"All of us," Kurt clarified, he quirked a brow in his father's direction, "when was the last time you checked the date?"
"Why would that matter?" Kurt smiled at his father's naiveté.
"It's early December," Kurt said, giving his father the benefit of the doubt. The man stared back at him blankly, "It's almost Christmas." Kurt clarified and hoped his father's mind hadn't been turned to mush but nothing seemed to click in the man's mind, "Daddy, you didn't break up with Carole, she and Finn are going to be here in a few weeks."
"I knew I was forgetting something," his father snapped his fingers.
"You really were," Kurt smiled.
"Did we do thanksgiving?" his father's eyes grew wide.
Kurt shook his head, "we had turkey on rye for lunch but other than that we gave it a miss."
"I don't know how that slipped my mind," his father shrugged, "I guess I'm getting old."
"So you asked Bruce to leave because of Christmas?"
"In part," Kurt nodded.
"And that part is?"
"It would have been a very full house if Bruce were still here then," Kurt smiled shyly, "and it also would have been interesting to explain why he was living with us."
"I see."
"I didn't banish him," Kurt shrugged, "he's up the road at the garage."
"It also makes sense for the apprentice to live in the apprentice's apartment," his father nodded. He moved closer and put a comforting hand on Kurt's shoulder, "I just didn't want you to feel like you can't treat this as your home, that's a conversation I've been meaning to have with you."
"I live here," Kurt glared at his father, "I'm pretty sure I've made myself at home considering I furnished the place."
"About how you treat things," his father let out a tired sigh.
"I don't follow," Kurt shook his head. His father gestured to the bed, "I just crisped those linens, Don't make me have to do it again."
"Finn won't know the difference," his father took a seat on the edge of the bed and patted the spot next to him, "Sit next to your old man."
Kurt relented and took the seat, "What's up dad?"
"Let's discuss the other part," His father slung an arm over his shoulder, "Do you remember when we watched Brokeback Mountain?"
"I already hate this conversation," Kurt tried to slip out of his father's grip but it had been a strategic move on the older man's part.
"And we both remember that first tent scene," his father had an uncomfortable smile on his face.
"We don't have to have this conversation," Kurt whined, "I still have so much vacuuming to do."
"It won't take long," his father tried to be assuring but Kurt didn't want to hear it, "I've lived many lives in succession and you have the internet so I won't pretend that we don't know what happened in that tent." His father took his hand, "I just want you to treat yourself with respect, I'm not telling you to wait or to overthink sex. What I mean is that I don't want you to throw yourself around, but I don't want you to be afraid of yourself and your feelings."
"I don't know what you mean," Kurt shook his head, hoping he could feign ignorance.
"Kurt, you're a teenage boy and you're at a stage where both your body and your mind want certain things," his father opened his parker and pulled out a stack of pamphlets, and then a pack of condoms from the other side, "make an informed decision. Ask me, ask Siri, ask when you don't know."
"I know," Kurt rolled his eyes, "always use protection."
His father patted his pockets as if looking for his keys, he smiled and dug into his breast pocket, "always use lube."
I hope you like it!