Thank you so much for the reviews. I hope you also enjoy this chapter and that it answers at least some of the questions.
Nicky would never forget the first time she had walked through the doors of the maximum-security prison as a visitor. Her four-month-old baby girl was cradled in her arms and an extreme aura of awkwardness filled the air. Galina had been fussy. Alternating between crying and sucking aggressively on the pacifier Nicky kept shoving in her mouth.
"It's like you already can tell this is an unhappy place," Nicky could remember saying, while bouncing her daughter impatiently in the long line to walk through the metal detector. "Or maybe you just know I'm sad, and you're trying for some empathy…"
Lifting Galina up over her shoulder, Nicky had patted her back and stared dully ahead to where a pair of unfamiliar guards had been going through everyone's bags. She hadn't been back to the prison since her release, though it hadn't been her choice.
Nicky had tried to get onto Red's visiting list right away only for it to be denied by the prison administration. There had never been any clear reasoning why Nicky was not able to come visit her. She supposed it was just because they enjoyed exercising their power. When she'd tried to fight it, the prison had stated that nobody on probation was permitted to visit an inmate, and since they weren't considered family in any official capacity, no exception could be made. The first three years after Nicky had got out were some of the loneliest in her life. She often joked that that was what had made her decide to have a baby in the first place.
"I've just got bottles and diapers in there," Nicky had informed the brusque guard who had snatched her bag right off of her arm. "Don't know why anyone would even bother to bring something illegal in with you detectives on the watch. Besides, I'd have to be like a magician to zap in through the glass wall."
Galina had started fretting more loudly, so Nicky turned her around in her arms so that she could see what was going on. "Don't take the lid off the nipple though! It needs to be sterile," Nicky had ordered warningly, with the ferociousness of any mama bear wanting to take care of her baby. She'd watched carefully as the guard lifted Galina's bottle up and shook it in his hand before snatching it back. The encounter had aggravated her already fussy baby, and once she had entered the visiting room, she began walking circles to try and calm the baby down.
Red had known all about her little namesake already, as Nicky had gotten into the habit of writing her long-winded letters every single night before she went to bed. She'd drop them in the mailbox every morning without fail, and take a little comfort in that it made her feel like Red had been a part of her day.
Nicky would overshare on everything; from what she had eaten for dinner, watched on tv, or interesting people she had ran into in the city. She'd sent Red copies of the ultrasound pictures during her pregnancy and later had given her a dramatic play-by-play of the birth and what she had considered to be a difficult three-hour labour.
Red had been touched when she learned what Nicky intended to call her daughter, though perplexed by the choice as well. As though she hadn't thought she was worthy, she'd suggested Nicky want to reconsider, but Nicky had her mind made up. She'd wanted a tangible reminder that Red would always have a place in her and her daughter's lives. It was one of the reasons that she had been especially thrilled when she'd found out she was carrying a girl.
The letters had kept them bonded. Nicky had understood that even the most monotonous details of her life would be interesting to someone whose entire world was a cell block made from concrete. Red's replies had always been less forthcoming, filled with questions yearning for more insight into Nicky's life. She'd never talked about her own. Yet, despite being entirely kept up to date with every aspect of Nicky and little Galina's life, Red had still looked utterly shocked when she saw Nicky there with her baby for the very first time.
They hadn't sat down right away. Nicky could remember a few seconds pause and then the way Red had leaned close to the glass from a standing up position, her arms supporting her weight. Her eyes had locked onto the baby that Nicky had immediately held up for her to see better. Galina had stopped fussing almost at once. She'd stared blinkingly up at Red with a curious expression on her face, as though trying to wonder why there was a glass wall separating them, but understanding anyways that she was going to be an important person in her life.
"She's beautiful," Red had mouthed through the glass, looking up at Nicky for the first time. Nicky had smiled warily back. She'd used the precious few seconds when Red was examining the baby for her to scrutinize Red, and she was saddened by what she saw.
The time hadn't been kind to Red. In three years, she looked to have aged at least twelve. She appeared to be, in every sense, a very old woman. The light seemed to have gone from her eyes. She seemed tired and fragile. Nicky had observed how slowly Red had lowered herself into her chair when they sat down, and the way her hand had shook when she'd picked up the phone.
"She looks like me, huh?" Nicky had asked, jiggling the little baby in one arm while she held onto the phone with the other. Galina was gurgling happily as she contemplated her two tiny fists, deciding which to shove into her mouth first, but Red could hear none of that through the glass between them.
"Well, of course she does," Red had agreed, her eyes transfixed on Galina. "You made her all by yourself from sperm in a tube, so how could she look like anyone but you?"
"That's not exactly how it works," Nicky had laughed, "but I get what you're saying. She's all mine. And she's your granddaughter."
Red had compressed her lips and her entire lined and pale face had seemed to suddenly droop a little. "I wish I could hold her," she whispered, extending her arm to press the palm of her hand to the glass.
"Soon," Nicky had said softly.
"She'll be big by then," Red had replied sadly.
Nicky hadn't known what to say to that. She shifted Galina from her perch on her lap to sit on the table. The baby continued suckling on her hands but became intrigued when Red began to tap her nail against the glass, arousing Galina's interest.
"She's very alert," Red had observed. "And so content in her mama's arms."
"Now," Nicky had rolled her eyes dramatically. "You just missed her screaming like a banshee."
"She's a smart girl," Red had replied. "Who doesn't want to cry in a place like this?"
Her blue eyes, once so mischievous and sparkling, had looked empty as she spoke those words. In an instant, the reality of where they were, temporarily obscured by the distraction of the baby, had became painfully impossible to ignore. Nicky would have done anything to change it and could feel the burn in her own eyes as she'd wondered whether what Red said had been a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It had taken all of Nicky's strength to pull herself together. It would have done no good to express how much she missed Red and wished she could have had her support and guidance. As Red had watched her warm and test Galina's bottle, Nicky had refrained from telling her that she had tried and failed in the hospital to breastfeed her. What was supposed to come so naturally, hadn't for her. And Red hadn't been there to teach her what to do.
"Motherhood suits you, honey," Red had said just before visitation had come to an end. It was that statement that Nicky had dissected over and over in the many years since Red had said it. She wanted it to be true. As hard as it had been, all Nicky had ever wanted was to be a good mom to her baby girl. The same daughter who had barely spoken two words to her since they'd set off on this little adventure. This was a new thing. Usually she never wanted to stop talking but the past year had been a challenging one for their family.
Despite jokes to the contrary, Nicky had managed to make maneuvering her car onto the highway headed out of the city look effortless and so far she had been enjoying the drive, despite its solitary nature.
Galina had spent most of the trip so far ignoring her mom, leaving Nicky alone to reminisce on a past that made it difficult to pull herself back to the present. She stared over at her daughter. Galina was watching out the passenger side window, the sad look on her face reflected in the glass. It had Nicky second guessing whether she had been right to make her come on this visit at all. It wasn't a fun thing to do. Nicky herself had been dreading it all week. She'd planned excursions to do with her daughter, ways to make this outing seem fun and normal. The last thing she wanted to do was traumatize her girl, but time was running out. And her heart told her that this was the right thing to do.
"Do you want to stop for a bite somewhere?" Nicky asked. Galina merely shrugged, her thumb cursing over her iPhone as she selected another song to play. Earphones were stuck in both ears and Nicky couldn't even be sure that Galina had even heard what she'd said, over the blast of music.
Bumping her head against the seat, Nicky slid her left hand off of the steering wheel and pushed down on the button that automatically lifted the hood of the car. The wind blew her hair around aggressively and Nicky tilted her head up to enjoy the sunshine on her face. Next to her, Galina was having a much different reaction.
"Seriously, mom," Galina groaned. She took her earphones out and bunched her curls all together in her hands to keep them from flying.
"What's the problem?" Nicky asked jovially. It was enough that her daughter had put down the phone and was paying her some attention.
"What was wrong with the air conditioning?"
"What's wrong with having the wind and sun on our faces?" Nicky replied. She could appreciate the simplistic beauty of a quiet country road when she'd spent the majority of her life in New York City. She didn't think anything could feel more freeing, and freedom was something she valued above all else in her life. Nicky often asked herself why she had waited so long in life to know this pleasure.
Galina rolled her eyes and flattened her curls with her hands even more firmly. "You know how hard our hair is to manage," she complained. "You keep this up and we'll both be walking around looking like we've got birds' nests on our heads for a week!"
"Make it easier for Grandma to recognize us though," Nicky chuckled. She raised her eyebrows suggestively at her daughter. "Make a statement? It would be a conversation piece…"
"Oh, I just think you like getting on Grandma's nerves," Galina said, the corners of her mouth tugging threateningly as she resisted the urge to smile.
"Well, the doctor says it's important to keep things the same, as much as possible for her," Nicky smirked. They passed a sign that told them they were fifteen minutes out of the town. That fact made her grip the steering wheel a little more tightly and she watched Galina's body stiffen as well.
"We have time to pop in for a brief visit before we head to the hotel," Nicky said, noting the time on the dash stated it was a quarter to six. Visiting hours went until seven.
"Galina?" Nicky said, flashing the back of her daughter's head a look of annoyance. Instead of answering her, Galina had chosen to turn her music back on instead.
"Yeah, I heard you," Galina mumbled.
"It might not feel like it now, but someday you are going to be thankful you did this," Nicky said gently, hoping she was right. They drove the rest of the way in silence. Through the pretty little town and past the lake.
"It's busy today," Nicky said in surprise. She turned her car into the parking lot and found a spot between two big trucks in the last row.
"Are you sure you want to do this right now?" Galina asked skeptically, watching her mom unbuckle her seatbelt, while she sat rigid and twisted the cord from her ear phone around her finger.
"No, but it's what we're doing," Nicky replied.
"Don't you think popping in for such a short visit is kind of mean?" asked Galina. "We're going to be all 'Hey Grandma, sucks you're stuck in here. We just decided to make a pit stop on the way to our luxury hotel on the water. Too bad you can't come."
"Yeah, maybe don't open with that," Nicky rolled her eyes. She shoved her keys into her pocket and opened her door. "Come on, kid."
Galina sighed loudly but reluctantly climbed out of the car to join her mother. She didn't protest when Nicky slung an arm around her shoulders but allowed herself to be steered toward the entry. ""Promise me you won't leave me alone with her," she pleaded pressing her cheek into Nicky's t-shirt.
"Why would I do that?"
"When we were here last time you stepped outside because you had to call work," Galina reminded her.
Nicky shook her head. "I don't remember that."
"Well, it better not happen again," Galina warned her. "If you leave me in there by myself, I'm going to walk right out behind you. I never know what to say to someone in that situation."
"That's never stopped you from talking before," Nicky replied.
"Could say the same about you," Galina retorted, lifting her chin off Nicky's shoulder to give her a knowing look. "It's like when a moment calls for silence, you take everyone else being quiet as an excuse for you to talk twice as much."
"You come up with that one on your own?" asked Nicky.
"No, that's something that Grandma said," Galina replied.
"Figures," Nicky muttered. They had finished walking across the parking lot and now stood in front of the doors. Galina had slowed their walking tremendously as they neared the entrance.
"Listen," Nicky said, as the automatic doors slid open. "I know you haven't seen her in awhile, but I was there last month and it was okay. She's not in any pain. Doctor said she can understand everything we say to her. So, we go in, you give her a hug, and then you tell her you'll be back tomorrow. I don't think she's exactly up for too long of a visit anyway. She sleeps a lot."
The door slid closed behind them and Nicky remembered she'd need to get a passcode from one of the nurses before they would be able to leave. This nursing home was one of the most highly rated in the state. Out of the city, the air was easier to breathe, the rooms were all private and comfortable, and it had an amazing view of the water. The distance also prevented her from being able to visit more regularly, a factor that had heavily weighed into Nicky's decision when she'd been browsing brochures.
"Hello, Nicky! We weren't expecting you!" a friendly voice exclaimed. Nicky and Galina both turned to see a petite blonde in pink scrubs rush over to them. Her name tag read Sadie.
"I prefer the element of surprise," Nicky told her, "Wouldn't want to get too predictable."
"Your mom is going to be so happy to see you!" Sadie smiled. "You know, I just adore her. The sweetest lady ever. I always try to steal her from the other nurses."
"That's not something I expected to hear," Nicky said, with a tight smile. "I thought she'd have everybody in this place cowering in fear by now. But they did warn there could be some personality changes following the stroke."
"Seriously, mom?" Galina said, for the second time today, rolling her eyes to the sky.
"You must be the granddaughter," Sadie said, looking between Nicky and Galina.
"One and only," Galina replied.
"You look like an exact carbon copy of your mom, and there's some of your Grandmother there too," Sadie observed. "What's your name again, sweetie?"
"Lina," Galina replied. She always dropped the -ga when referring to herself and everyone, aside from her mom, referred to her as Lina also. She'd never liked being stuck with such an unusual name.
Sadie smiled. "Your Grandma is going to be so happy to see you, Lina." She turned back to Nicky. "She's already in her room. We called it an early night, but she was up watching television when I left her. Let me take you down."
"Thanks," said Nicky. "We won't stay long. We're in town for the entire weekend, so we'll come at a better time tomorrow."
"Lovely," Sadie smiled. "Tomorrow is supposed to be beautiful. Perhaps you could take her out in the garden? I think she'd like that."
She guided them down the hall to the private suite at the end of the hall. Nicky had made sure she got the nicest room there was. Sadie had them wait out in the hall for a few minutes while she went in to let her know about the visitors and help her get ready if need-be.
"Grandma must hate it here," Galina was complaining, staring up at the name plaque screwed to the door. "That nurse acts like Grandma is an adorable doll she gets to dress and play with everyday. And suggesting we take her outside to stare at some flowers? Does that mean when we're not here they leave her staring at a blank wall or something?"
"Why don't you ask her how she is herself?" Nicky asked. "You can still understand her, for the most part, and she is more likely to talk now that you're here, then when I come alone. You know she likes you more than me."
"You know mom," Galina said thoughtfully, "I think the real thing is that she always knew that I loved her." Very slowly she reached her hand out to touch the plaque on the door and began tracing her finger against the "M" in Marka, waiting for the nurse to come back and lead them to her Grandma.