Galina hesitated for only a moment when the nurse came back into the hall to tell them Marka was ready. She was more nervous than she could express, even to her mom, but Nicky seemed to understand anyway. Placing her hand on the small of Galina's back, Nicky gently guided her into Marka's private suite.
The curtains were still drawn open to catch the setting sun but Marka was facing away from that, her wheelchair parked in front of the television. She couldn't walk anymore and had extremely limited use of her left side. She needed help with most things and was almost completely dependent on the nurses for her care. Her days were spent in front of the television, aside from meals and sleeping. It was quite a boring existence for someone who had kept up with an active social life and interesting projects right until the stroke. Now she was nearly immobile. Brought here to die.
"Look who I brought with me," Nicky said, purposefully raising her voice so Marka would be able to hear her.
Marka turned her head in the direction of Nicky's voice and the lines around her eyes crinkled as she attempted to smile. Only half of her face would really cooperate. The right side of her lips curled up in slackened smile, while the left remained paralyzed, making her face look contorted.
"Lina," she whispered, her eyes transfixed on her granddaughter's face
"Hi, Grandma," Galina said, she forced a smile to her face.
Marka was wearing a pale blue cashmere sweater that matched her eyes and had a soft grey throw wrapped over her legs. The nurse had applied rouge to her pale cheeks and a light pink to her lips. She also had shared with some amusement that Marka had insisted on being changed from her nightgown into nice clothes before she would agree to see them. Though Nicky had rolled her eyes at that, she wondered now if Marka had been on to something. Bed clothes might have made her look sickly, but instead she managed to look as poised as ever, even from a wheelchair, and Nicky could sense Galina beginning to relax in the familiarity.
Nicky moved her hand up Galina's back and squeezed her shoulder comfortingly. "I wasn't sure if we would make it here to visit before you went to bed," she said. "But fortunately for you, I've got a lead foot."
"It was terrifying," Galina rolled her eyes dramatically at her Grandma. "Who thought it was a smart idea to let her drive?"
Marka gave an innocuous jerk of her head. "Not...good," she stuttered. Her voice was very faint and difficult to understand, but at least she could talk.
"And she wouldn't roll the windows up either," Galina said dramatically. "Look what she let the wind do to my hair, Grandma." She tossed her wild mane of curls dramatically.
"Pretty," said Marka.
"Pretty?" Nicky repeated. "When I did that you told me I looked like I had a mop on my head." Sensing Galina was beginning to relax, she lifted her hand from her shoulder and walked over to a comfortable armchair placed beside the window. She looked out at the garden, the flowers were in bloom and the sun was setting over a hill in the distance. It was a gorgeous sight and this was a good nursing home with excellent reviews, but Nicky couldn't pretend to herself that that was justifiable reason to move her mother two hours out of the city.
Looking back over at her mother and daughter, Nicky watched Galina retreat to a chair, but unlike herself, Galina dragged it closer to Marka before she sat down.
"It's so good to see you," Galina said gently, and though she was nervous to touch her, she placed a comforting hand on Marka's lacking arm.
She hadn't seen her grandmother since the stroke. It was she who had been the one to find her in the first place. Lying unconscious on the bathroom floor, Galina couldn't be sure how long she had been there when she'd returned to Marka's house from an outing with friends. She was only convinced that it had been far too long. As she'd rang for an ambulance and then sat holding Marka's hand until the paramedics came, all Galina could keep thinking was that this was somehow her fault.
"This place treating you okay?" Nicky asked Marka.
Marka gave a twitch that somewhat resembled a shrug. Nicky nodded her head like they were having a conversation. Marka had taken to living in the nursing home without much complaint, not that Nicky had really given her a choice. Before her stroke she had been managing excellently in a townhouse of her own just a couple blocks over from Nicky's, and Galina was a very frequent visitor. That house had been put on the market.
Marka's eyes shifted back to Galina, who seemed to have captured her entire interest. "Lina...gotten so big," she stuttered.
"It hasn't been that long!" Galina exclaimed, a guilty blush pinkening her cheeks. "I couldn't have grown that much."
"She's going to be taller than me," Nicky said. "That's for sure."
"Tall...baby," Marka said.
Nicky nodded her head in agreement. "Yes, she was."
"I was?" Galina asked, turning her head to face Nicky by the window. Her hand was still on Marka's arm.
"Oh, sure," Nicky said. "You were so long at birth that you must have been folded in half to fit inside of me."
"Lots...of...hair," Marka added, her eyes still transfixed on her granddaughter who smiled, immediately feeling better about her own. All three of them had been born with the same golden locks, though Marka had nearly flat-ironed her own into oblivion. Her hair was wavy now and the grey strands curled and flowed in every which way.
"Can I brush your hair, Grandma?" Galina asked, reaching up to tuck a strand behind Marka's ear. "Is your hairbrush in the drawer?"
She was already settling back into an aura of comfortability. It helped that she could sense that her presence was welcomed and that Marka seemed happy to see her. Galina had been afraid she would be angry; mad about being placed in this nursing home that Nicky claimed was the only option. And though she had known it was irrational, Galina had been terrified that Marka would blame her for the stroke in itself.
She was supposed to have been there. That had been the original plan. When Nicky was busy with work on the weekends, Galina had always enjoyed spending time with her Grandmother. She liked helping with flower arrangements for charity events, Broadway shows, and going out for lunch at the four seasons so that her Grandmother could show her off to her friends. Even though Galina knew it wasn't her thing, Marka had rarely missed a soccer game and they'd always spent a lot of time together.
Except for that particular Saturday, when Galina had cancelled on her Grandmother so she could go to the movies with her friends instead. While she was out, Marka had her stroke and Galina couldn't forgive herself for not being there. In her mind, earlier intervention would have minimized the effects and none of this would have happened.
Nicky had turned her focus to the television that was still playing, but in the corner of her eye she could see Galina searching for Marka's hairbrush in the bureau and then moving behind the wheelchair to tame the wild hair Marka had never liked. They were enjoying one another's company, and Galina seemed much better now that they were actually there.
"School is going pretty good…" Nicky half-listened to Galina break into an easy flow of one-sided conversation while she gently ran the soft bristle hairbrush through her Grandmother's hair with loving care. Galina talked in a way that didn't demand Marka chime in if she couldn't.
Curled up in the armchair in the corner of the room, Nicky felt every bit of the third-wheel she always had been whenever she'd come around Marka. Their relationship had always been strained, Nicky could probably count on one hand the number of times she and her mother had really connected in her life, but Marka had been different with Galina from the beginning. Though it hurt, Nicky had never done anything to forbid the relationship.
She still kept away from it as much as she could. Sent Galina on her own while she did her own thing. It was only now, with Marka debilitated and in need of Galina being brought to her, that Nicky had reluctantly stepped in. They were together again, she had done the right thing, and now Nicky turned her attention to the television that was playing Jeopardy. Though she tried to concentrate, her mind continued to wander…
"What the fuck do you mean it's too late for an epidural?" Twelve years ago, Nicky had fallen back against her hospital bed and let out a moan of frustration. Her hair was drenched with sweat and so was her forehead. She was wearing a soiled hospital gown, damp with blood and the waters from when her membranes had ruptured. The gown had ridden up and she was entirely exposed to anyone who walked into her hospital room, but she didn't care about that. She didn't even have enough energy left to pull it down.
The kind nurse who had been at her side since she'd arrived at the hospital in the back of a cab alone two hours ago, smiled. "It's going to be soon. You're progressing very quick."
"Tell me again why I thought this was a good idea?" Nicky demanded frantically. She was wrapping her hands around her back for support, as she adjusted her position in bed. Without consideration, she lifted the hem of her gown and wiped her sweaty face on it.
"I can't...I can't...I can't do this anymore." She was near tears as she said it. Her labour was short, but from internet articles she had read on the process of childbirth she'd known that a shorter labour wasn't always the blessing it seemed.
Her body had had no time to adjust with a gradual buildup in contractions. Instead she'd woken up from her afternoon nap feeling just as if somebody had stabbed a knife into her rounded belly and the contraction hadn't even ended when she was already reaching for her phone to dial for a cab. Although she'd expected to labour at home for several hours before transferring to the hospital, something inside of her had told her this was the real thing.
"Almost there," the nurse soothed. She brushed the hair back from Nicky's face and then rubbed her hand against the girl's curved back as Nicky sat straight up.
Her feet started pushing into the mattress in panic as she felt the beginnings of another contraction rising inside of herself, piggybacking off the previous without time to barely catch her breath. Nicky was screaming at the top of the lungs before it even really began to peak. She'd already had so many, each lasting two to three minutes respectively. She was terrified of them and found she couldn't really relax in between because she was panicking about when the next one was going to start.
This one was the worst one yet. It felt like two hands were inside her stretching it open and the baby pressing down was hitting her spine as it started to crown. Nicky screamed as the nurse stuck a hand inside her and then nodded confidently.
"I can feel the head," she said. "Couple more...you've still not at ten. But soon sweetie soon."
Nicky felt like the woman was speaking to her far away through a tunnel. Any minute, she felt like she was going to black out from the pain. She was twisting on the bed; her hospital gown was tangled somewhere above her waist and her belly was as hard as a rock. Nicky was writing so much that the nurse and her aide each moved to one side of her, afraid the labouring mother might fall off the bed.
"It's a long one," the nurse sympathized, a minute later when Nicky still hadn't rested. She had wild eyes and her scream had died off but only because she was exhausted. She moaned quietly in agony, grunting at the strain of it all. She didn't think she could do this anymore and the fact that there was no turning back was terrifying. The whites of her eyes were red from resisting the urge to push and her mouth was parched.
"Mom," she whimpered, in so much pain she wasn't even consciously aware that she had spoken the word out loud. The peak of her contraction had reached and was beginning its decent. "I want my mom," she sobbed, louder still. She had been doing so well up until this point, but childbirth was traumatic, her baby would soon be born, and Red wasn't here.
Of course, Nicky had never expected her to be. She knew that was impossible. Red was in prison and Nicky had made the conscious decision to have a baby alone. She craved a family. She wanted to be everything to this baby that Red had been to her. She had thought she was strong enough to do this by herself but now all she wished was that Red could be there to hold her hand.
"You want your mom?" the nurse asked. Before Nicky could even look up, she let out another high-pitched scream that could break glass. That contraction hadn't even permitted more than a few seconds of recovery. The nurse nodded to her aide who ran from the room, and then she checked Nicky's dilation again.
"Not quite," she sighed, patting Nicky's shaking leg. "But almost. Don't worry, honey. We're getting your mom."
Marka had arrived at the hospital approximately an hour after Nicky herself. She'd grown worried when Nicky hadn't answered her phone and when she'd driven by the townhouse, she'd purchased for her and saw that she wasn't there, Marka knew that the baby must be coming. Nicky was already three days overdue. She'd raced to the hospital and up to the maternity ward where she left her name with the nurse behind the desk and then showed herself to the waiting room to sit until she heard word.
"Ms. Nichols?" Marka looked up from the phone in her hand and stared at the young nurse's aide who had approached her.
"Has she had-"
"Not yet," the aide smiled. "But by the time we get back she might be ready to push. She is asking for you."
"Are you sure?" Marka asked skeptically, but she was already slipping the phone into the pocket of her blazer. Nicky had never asked her to be in the delivery room or to even come to the hospital was the baby was born. Even sitting in the waiting room, she wasn't sure if she was crossing lines. Nicky hadn't done anything to include Marka in her pregnancy, though she'd essentially used Marka's money through her trust fund to pay for the procedure. But at the nurse's aide confident smile, Marka got to her feet with an air of composure she didn't really feel.
"She forgot her hospital bag," Marka explained, picking up the blue duffel bag at her feet that she had found in the foyer of Nicky's townhouse when she stopped by.
"She was in a hurry," the aide smiled.
Marka walked briskly down the hall after the nurse's aide, feeling her heart begin to pound as she heard alterations between screaming and moaning growing louder as they got closer to Nicky's room.
"She doesn't sound good. Didn't you give her something?" she snapped worriedly.
"She'd doing fine," the nurse's aide replied. "In a matter of minutes all of this pain will be forgotten. Don't you remember what this was like?"
"They knocked me out when I had her," Marka replied breathlessly.
"Well, she wanted an epidural but there wasn't enough time," the aide replied. "She's about to start pushing."
"Poor Nicky," Marka thought to herself. She froze in the doorway of her daughter's room and watched in horror as she writhed in agony and pleaded for someone to help her. Nicky was beside herself with the pain and too distracted to even notice her standing there. The room was uncomfortably warm and crowded, with the nurse standing at the bedside and the doctor getting into position.
"Come hold her hand, mom," the nurse called, and Marka's feet suddenly felt like they each weighed a ton. All at once she became absurdly self conscious about what she was wearing. A beige pantsuit and a silk white blouse. Hardly dressed to assist at a birth and she didn't know what she was supposed to do anyway. Hold her hand? How? Nicky was gripping so tightly to the metal bar of the bed that it would take a crowbar to get her to let go.
Nicky's own nightgown was high above the waist and what Marka really wanted to do was pull it down. But then she was distracted by all the blood. The bedding was destroyed, Nicky's limbs were flailing.
"Ahhhhh," Nicky screamed, and in an instant Marka's hesitation gave way. She hurried to the bed and wrapped her hand tightly around Nicky's wrist. She'd moved on pure instinct, all thoughts from her head immediately dispersed.
"Wha-" Nicky had turned to look at her, but before anymore could escape her lips, before she could tell her to get lost, that she hadn't meant her, she was distracted as the urge to bear down overcame her.
"We're going to ask you to push on this next one, okay, Nicky?" the nurse instructed. They were getting the stirrups ready, guiding Nicky's feet into the holders for her, and the nurse taking charge motioned at Marka. "Hold her under the thigh and I've got the other. We'll help brace her legs."
"Okay," Marka murmured, moving her hands to Nicky's thigh like she had been told. The bare skin was slippery with sweat, blood, and waters. Marka struggled to get a firm enough hold on her daughter and wound up leaning forward, the arms of her expensive blazer providing friction to keep her steady.
"Push, Push, Push," the nurse was urging Nicky on.
"I can't!" Nicky was crying, fighting them at every turn. Though it was the last thing she couldn't ever imagine herself doing, Marka couldn't resist leaning forward to catch a glimpse of the baby's head pushing out before disappearing back inside its mother.
"You've got this, Nicole," Marka said, straightening up and getting a better hold on her daughter. She couldn't keep the excitement out of her voice all of a sudden, though she couldn't understand why Nicky had chosen to do this all by herself. "The baby is right there. It's coming. Just a couple big pushes."
Nicky listened and with the next urge to bare down she pushed with everything she had. She felt like she was being ripped in two, everything was burning, she felt pain in her eyes as a couple blood vessels popped. But in another second that was forgotten as a shrill little cry filled the room and the doctor placed the baby into her arms.
"A girl," Marka gasped with pleasure. "Ohhhh...Nicky."
Nicky didn't say anything. As she stared down at her daughter, she'd let out a delighted laugh and forgot about anybody else in the room. The baby had its eyes partially open, squinting up at her as Nicky ran her hand down the baby's length, over the slender legs and dainty little toes.
"She's a long little thing, isn't she?" Marka observed, leaning over the bed to catch a good glimpse.
"She's perfect," Nicky sobbed, tears of joy flowing down her cheeks. "Hello, little girl. You're so beautiful."
The medical team was still busy delivering the placenta, for which Nicky seemed hardly unaware of. She cradled her baby up by her breast. "You wanted to breastfeed, didn't you?" the nurse asked, and Nicky could remember nodding. Permitting the nurse to help guide the baby to latch where she was to suckle. Instead, the baby had merely nuzzled, having no interest aside from continuing to stare up at her mother. Her whole world, right then and there.
What she had just gone through to get to her, disappeared from Nicky's head the way mothers always say it does. A nurse placed a heated blanket over them both and they just snuggled. The two of them, safe together, in an often cruel world. And it was several hours before Nicky would allow anyone to take the baby from her to weigh or inspect. She passed her daughter off reluctantly and then got out of bed with the intention of taking a quick shower before she was brought back.
"Do you want some help?" Marka had been sitting mostly unnoticed in a corner of the room since the birth, but she stood up and walked quickly over to her side.
"No, I've got this," Nicky replied, shuffling to the bathroom. Blood was still pouring down her legs, leaving a messy trail behind her. A part of her thinking that if Red was here, she wouldn't even have asked. Red just always knew what to do, how to support in a way to make her feel loved and cherished. A small hand on the back right now would have been a wonderful encouragement but Nicky didn't need help in a physical sense, and that was all Marka was offering.
"I could call for a nurse?" Marka asked, but Nicky waved her off. She went into the bathroom and turned the faucet on hot. Stripping off the soiled hospital gown, Nicky stepped carefully into the tub. Her legs were a little wobbly, but otherwise she felt completely normal. All she wanted was to be clean.
"Nicole?"
"What?" Nicky yelled over the water pressure.
"Did you pack a change of clothes you'd like me to get out for you?" Marka offered.
Nicky stuck her head out from behind the current. "Where'd you get that?" she asked, frowning at the duffel bag she only now realized she'd forgotten.
"I was at your place," Marka explained. "When you didn't answer your phone, I guessed you might be here so I brought this along."
"Thanks," Nicky said gruffly. "Can you pass me my soap and shampoo?" Marka unzipped the duffel bag and pulled the two bottles out. She handed them to Nicky. "I've got pajama bottoms and a tank top. I brought my own pads too."
"You've lost so much blood," Marka said, finding the specified items and setting them on the counter beside the sink. "You're sure you're alright?"
"It's normal," Nicky called back. "Don't you remember?"
"No," Marka shook her head. "I guess I forgot." She peaked through the rest of Nicky's bag. Tiny pampers that would fit a little doll and several different sleepers. "Which outfit did you want her to wear?"
"Uhh...the green one," Nicky decided after a moment's hesitation. Marka took out the little green sleeper, matching hat, and a diaper and carried them back out into the room. An orderly was just finishing up, having stripped the bed and put out fresh linen. Marka watched them leave and then set the baby's things down on the mattress.
"A perfectly healthy little girl," the nurse exclaimed, walking back into the room with the swaddled baby in her arms.
Marka smiled. "My daughter is just taking a shower," she explained.
The nurse nodded. "Do you want me to put her in the bassinet or would you like her?"
"I'll...I'll take her," Marka said, after a moment's hesitation. She had never held a baby, aside from Nicky, and that had never been a particularly enjoyable task. Nicky had wailed and nothing she did would stop it, so Marka would get frustrated, which only would cause Nicky to cry even more. She could remember crying to Les that the baby didn't like her, which seemed absurd even then but still felt sort of true. After a week of sleepless nights and misery, Marka had hired the baby nurse she had sworn during her pregnancy she wouldn't have. What she'd intended to be a help over a rough spot had evolved into a way of life.
Inexperienced and ill-practiced, Marka was awkward when the nurse handed her her granddaughter for the first time. Support the head, support the head, she kept reminding herself of the most important rule, as she held the baby close to her chest. Marka turned around for verification from the nurse that she was doing this right only to see the nurse had already left, apparently having more faith in her abilities that Marka herself.
Marka patted the blankets down and sucked in her breath when the baby opened her eyes wide for a moment. She fully expected her to begin to cry at seeing who was holding her, but instead the baby cooed lightly and then went back to sleep. Though she didn't want to disturb this most precious of moments, she decided to get the baby dressed for Nicky anyways.
Laying the baby down on the bed she awkwardly undid her swaddle. They already had put a diaper on her in the nursery so Marka picked up the outfit Nicky had wanted and gently slipped the baby into it, doing up the tiny buttons with fumbling hands. It felt so peculiar to be doing up buttons this tiny. The matching pale green cap made her look like a little garden gnome, and Marka couldn't resist kissing her chubby little cheeks, before she gathered the baby back up into her arms.
"She looks so cute!" Nicky exclaimed, walking out of the bathroom looking infinitely better than she had going in. Washed and dressed in clean clothes, her tired face lit up as she walked over to take her daughter.
"Too cute to be real," Marka agreed, gently kissing the baby's cheek again. "Do you want to get back into bed first, darling?" she asked Nicky. "I'll pass her to you."
Nicky nodded. Climbing back into the bed, she pulled the covers up over herself and then held her arms out expectantly. "She really should breastfeed," Nicky said, slipping her breast out of her tank top and bringing it to the baby's mouth. "I read you're supposed to breastfeed within the first few hours for it to be successful."
"I don't know," Marka shrugged. "I never was able to breastfeed you."
"Red told me once that she breastfed her youngest for three whole years," Nicky said. She was trying to stick her nipple between the baby's lips, but the baby seemed drowsy and would not have a go at it. Aside from her brief wakeup in Marka's arms, she hadn't stirred at all while being dressed.
"That seems excessive," Marka thought to herself, but she knew better than to voice her opinions out loud. She'd learned pretty quickly what a sensitive subject Galina Reznikov was to Nicky...the mother who was apparently everything she herself wasn't. She had thought the relationship might die out now that Nicky was released, but the absence seemed to only make Nicky grow fonder. It left Marka constantly trying to pretend that she wasn't offended by the fact that her daughter considered a woman in prison, whose own sons barely tolerated her, to be a better mother than her.
"So, are you planning to breastfeed her for three years?" Marka asked curiously.
"No," Nicky rolled her eyes. "I always thought that seemed a little excessive."
Marka nodded. "I could find a lactation consultant to come help you?" she offered.
"No," Nicky shook her head. "I'll figure it out." The baby was so deeply asleep that she gave up trying to tempt her with her breast, and covered herself back up with her tank top. She could have easily joined her daughter in a sleeping bliss, her eyes were trying to close and she had to keep fighting it.
"Do you want me to take the baby so you can get some sleep?" Marka offered, as though she could read Nicky's mind. "I'll wake you when she's up."
Nicky hesitated, but she was so worn down that an offer of sleep sounded incredible. "Okay," she nodded. "But don't leave this room."
"I won't," Marka promised. She leaned back over the bed to take the baby from Nicky. Looking behind her, she found a chair in the corner and pulled it closer to the bed, so that the baby would be right beside Nicky the entire time. "Do you know what you're going to call her yet?"
Nicky had watched Marka settle herself into the chair with a pained expression on her face. The baby was cradled in her arms, as if Marka had any clue how to even hold a baby. As if she had ever even wanted to hold her own. Nicky could feel her resentment building, try as she might to stop it. This was a nice moment, the best day of her life. In her heart of hearts, she knew Marka had done nothing wrong, and was only trying to help her, but suddenly she was filled with a deep-rooted urge to snatch her baby back. It took all of her restraint to resist. She needed some sleep.
"I'm naming her for her Grandmother," Nicky said firmly, though until this very moment she had remained undecided about names. She punched her pillow into a more comfortable shape and then laid back down in the bed and pulled the blankets up over herself. "I'm naming her Galina."
Thank you so much for the reviews. Red will be in the next chapter.