A.N: Some talk of miscarriage at the beginning of the present section of this chapter.
Chapter Thirty-Nine: Belladonna
T.A. 2879 Bag End
Belladonna places a hand on her distended abdomen and smiles as she feels the baby kick. Even after three months of being able to feel the movements of her babe this is still a wonderous experience. As amazing as it is, however, she finds it is tinged with a melancholy that she can't shift. Carrying a child is as wonderful as she had hoped, as incredible as she had imagined. It just isn't the way she had dreamed it would be.
It's been years since she last saw or wrote to Frerin, she's tried hard not to even think of him as much as possible. Bungo knows everything, or nearly everything, and although Belladonna has moved forward dreams of the past and what might have been still haunt her. They were together for a long time, she and Frerin, saw dangers and wonders and even though they had been hesitant to cross that last line between friends and lovers, when they had it had become everything and more. Had things been different, had he been more bold and she more careless, this house and this babe would have been his.
She pulls herself up short. Down that path lies misery. Perhaps it's time to lay the ghosts of the past to rest. She can write to him, he likely won't reply or even read the letter, but the need to reach out has been growing the last few months and it is time.
'My dearest friend,
There are not the words to adequately express my sentiments on our last conversation. Or, indeed, on the reason for this very state of separation. My fondest hope is that you have found some happiness in your circumstances as I have in mine, that your Mahal will bless the union made for you as Yavanna has mine.
I have a beautiful home and a loving husband who has been a healing balm for my soul, wounded as it was by the necessity of our parting. I don't feel the need to wander the roads and paths outside the Shire any longer, nearly everything I need is already here or soon will be. I am with child, my dear friend, the greatest gift my creator could give me, and I find my life is near complete.
I am utterly content and yet there is a hole here, where you used to be. I miss you, my friend. I find myself longing to tell you of some witticism Bungo has uttered or seeking your reassurance when my new brothers and sisters disapprove of my wild past. You were, first and foremost, my greatest friend and I reach out one final time to see if we can salvage that which we so carelessly cast aside.
I love my husband, but there are times when I wake in the night plagued by memories only you can understand. Nights when I reach for pen and paper to pour those fears out to you and remember that we are broken apart and I miss you so keenly that my heart breaks anew. Can we reclaim that friendship? Can we return to the days before and be each other's confidant and closest companion? Will my child be permitted to know the closest thing I can give them to an uncle? Please say it can be so, dearest friend, for my world lacks without you and I fear my child's will too with only staid and proper Bagginses as close relations.
I miss you. May this find you and all your family in the best of health and happiness.
Your Bella'
There is a formality and properness to the letter than was never a part of her relationship with Frerin, but tone rarely carries in the written word. The letter, like so many of the others, nearly goes on the fire. Her longing for her easy friendship with Frerin, however, and his understanding of their shared past has grown stronger of late. She is lonely, and even a distant friend would be better than nothing. Quite without meaning to she passes it on to a dwarf merchant who passes through Hobbiton the following week. It eases the burden of her heart just a little.
T.A. 2941 Erebor
"You need to eat more, Mama," Bluebell orders as her Blessing recedes from Belladonna's body. "You're with child. Two meals a day isn't enough."
"And I should take food from the rest of you? From Frerin or you? From your Fili?" She demands even though she knows what her daughter will say.
Belladonna remembers the Fell Winter. It wasn't just the elderly who suffered from the lack of food. Faunts did too, some never really recovered from the long five months when not even Yavanna's Blessing could encourage the earth to wake and grow just a little more food in the safety of hobbit homes. She remembers desperately trying to help starving mothers in every stage of pregnancy to keep their child alive and growing and she remembers failing. Bluebell remembers it too, she knows, even if she hasn't said anything overt as a reminder. Her daughter came with her towards the end as more and more mothers lost babes. Hobbits almost never miscarry, the conception, carrying and birthing of a babe is almost too easy for their kind. It's why they rely so heavily on Silphium and a few others. The Men like to say 'it only takes once' as a warning. For a hobbit maid without her herb tea it isn't a warning, it's a promise.
"I would gladly sacrifice one of my meals for you," Bluebell says tartly, "as would Adad and likely most other members of our party."
"It will wait until their kin arrive," she sighs.
"No, Mama, it won't," Bluebell's voice is soft. "You know as well as I that you aren't eating enough, two meals a day is barely enough to keep an adult hobbit alive. You know you won't keep this child if it continues. Faunts are to be born into plenty. There's nothing more I can do if you don't start eating more."
"I will gladly give you one of my meals," Legolas pipes up from his corner. "We don't need as much to remain healthy and our concern must be the child."
He has not long returned from his shift watching on the ramparts. The wall has been roughly rebuilt as much as they can, standing as high and firm as possible with such limited a work force. Belladonna thinks Thorin is being paranoid but hasn't said anything. Frerin has already tried in the week since word of Smaug's demise reached them. It has done little good. Thorin has the other dwarves working around the clock, whether posted to watch for Dain's arrival or searching for the Arkenstone. Her friends are getting precious little rest and though they want to help the hobbits are kept out of the search and encouraged to prepare meals that barely get eaten or take watches. Legolas is barely even trusted with that but his presence on the wall frees up another dwarf for the search. The hobbits get plenty of chance to explore, the elf is almost violently encouraged to stay on the wall or in the large chamber they have cleared out as temporary living quarters.
Further comment on her eating is stalled by Bofur shouting for everyone to get up on the wall. Being closer the hobbits get there before the others and that gives them a chance to take in a sight which will likely make Thorin burst into flames. The elves of Mirkwood and the Men of the Lake have come.
"What do you see?" She asks Legolas softly, aware that the elf has infinitely better eyesight than the rest of them.
"My father," he says equally quietly, "and one of the Men of Lake Town approach. Doubtless here to demand reparation for slights and insults, real and imagined."
In the weeks they have been together Legolas has opened up on the subject of his difficult relationship with his father. His fears for Thranduil's state of mind under the pressures of the sickness on the wood. His disagreements with his king on the best way to deal with the trials that have beset the small kingdom. Quite why he has chosen her to open up to in this way Belladonna can't truly say. She clearly, however, sees the lack of a mother's influence in his life and perhaps it is that missing piece which has drawn him to the only mother in the group.
She isn't sure if never truly knowing his mother is less painful for Legolas than Celebrian's fate was for Elrond's children. The twins, certainly, bear the marks of her loss though it happened long before Belladonna's birth. Their hatred of orcs burns hot and bright, even so many centuries later, and she knows that Frerin has gone hunting with them more than once. It makes her wonder what Bluebell would have become, if Belladonna had also died on that winter's day.
"Do you recognise the Man?" She asks as the two mounted figures come closer. The taller, she can see, is riding some sort of horned creature.
"I believe it is Bard, the one who approached us the day we left Lake Town and the one who slew Smaug."
Thorin, who has arrived while they were talking, glares at both of them and they fall silent.
"Who is it that approaches the King Under the Mountain?" Frerin calls. He has remained close to Thorin over the last week, quiet and watchful and it concerns Belladonna.
"You know very well who we are," Thranduil calls back, his tone bored. "We have come to claim payment of the debts you owe."
"I recognise no debt to the Woodland Realm," Thorin calls in reply. "Unless you think to charge us room and board for our time spent wrongfully imprisoned."
This isn't going to end well, Belladonna thinks.
"And what of Lake Town?" Bard shouts. "Without our actions Smaug would still be a plague upon this region. You would be naught but food in a dragon's belly."
"He has a valid point," Balin says too softly to be heard by any except those gathered on the wall.
"Perhaps if you were to speak to Bard alone," Frerin adds. "Unless they decide to rebuild Dale Lake Town will be our nearest trading partner. We should at least be on neutral terms." Thorin grunts.
"You may approach," he replies. "But only you. I will not discuss anything in the presence of the treacherous Elf King."
"What of my son?" Thranduil demands. Legolas steps closer so that he can be seen from below and Thorin puts a hand out to stop him from moving too close.
"As payment for his actions in freeing us your son remains in Erebor as our guest," the ugly way Thorin says it makes it very clear that his words have been chosen for the greatest impact, no doubt Thranduil cast his imprisonment of them in a similar light. "He will remain with us for the time being."
Even from this distance Belladonna can see the pinched look on Thranduil's face. She doesn't follow the others when they go down to listen to Thorin negotiate with Bard. She uses the term loosely, even in her own mind. She's aware that the gold is affecting Thorin's mind more than it is the others. It's one of the reasons that Frerin is remaining so close to him, watching for signs that he may need to take his wife and daughter and flee the mountain should Thorin show signs of becoming dangerous. Only the youngest members of the Company and Frerin seem unaffected. She isn't sure how long that will last and almost dreads Dain's forces arriving even though they need the support. They will need it even more if Thorin follows through on his vow not to part with a single gold coin no matter who it's owed to.
Sure enough she sees Bard ride away not more than ten minutes later, his entire bearing that of a man denied that which he believes he is rightfully owed. Perhaps he is, he did slay the dragon, but the Company left Lake Town with empty pockets bar a silver coin or two. They left no debts behind them, except one of gratitude and the unreasonable demands of the Master, who is apparently dead. If Bard hadn't come with Thranduil, had approached before the Elf King arrived (and refugees have been pouring into the ruins of Dale for days) Thorin might have been reasoned with. As things stand, Belladonna fears things will only get worse.