She's kissing Sirius Black.
She's kissing Sirius Black.
She, Guinevere Driscoll, is kissing Sirius Black.
Guinevere is no novice when it comes to kissing. She's had her fair share of kisses throughout the years. There was that quick peck with Evander Wilson in her 3rd year, the sloppy excuse for a kiss with Uriah Smith in her 5th year, her first real kiss with Benjy Fenwick that same year, a bit of a snogging session with him a few weeks later, and of course, there was that time a Ravenclaw keeper tried to practically swallow her face after a Quidditch match the year before.
No, she's not completely ignorant when it comes to kisses. But what she doesn't know is why this kiss feels so much better than any of the kisses she's had previously.
She doesn't feel "sparks", like she's heard claims of in Teen Witch Magazine. She doesn't see fireworks behind her eyelids or feel electricity go through her body. Of course, she didn't expect that. It always sounded too much like a sappy romance novel to her.
But kissing Sirius feels… good. It's warm and soft and not dry, but not grossly wet like some of her previous kisses. It makes her stomach flip over in a way that causes her some discomfort, but also gives her a rush. She decides that she likes it.
She doesn't want it to end.
But, of course, it does. Far too soon, in Guinevere's opinion.
Sirius pulls back from her lips slowly. As soon she feels her lips lose contact with his, her eyes fly open. Sirius's face is a few centimeters from hers, his eyes still closed, his mouth slightly agape.
Sirius Black kissed her.
And she kissed him back.
The reality of the situation hits Guinevere in waves. While the kiss was happening, she was happy. When it ended, she was sad. Now that she knows she'll have to deal with the aftermath, she's panicked. Not to mention confused.
Very, very confused.
When Sirius finally opens his eyes, Guinevere can't tear her gaze away. No words are spoken between them in those quiet moments after their kiss, and Guinevere is left to her frenzied thoughts.
Sirius Black kissed me.
I kissed him back.
I kissed Sirius Black and I enjoyed it.
Sirius lightly wipes at his lips, his fingers lingering for a few moments longer than necessary. Her eyes flit back down to his lips. She wonders if he can still feel her like she can still feel him.
"I'm sorry if I overstepped my bounds," he breathes. "I just needed to know."
"Know what?"
His lips twitch up into a grin.
"If that would feel as good as I thought it would."
Guinevere feels her cheeks heat up. She has no idea how Sirius isn't as flustered and lost for words as she is. How does he still somehow manage to be charming after that kiss?
"And did it?"
She meant the words to come out sounding flirtatious, or husky, or just in some way appealing like how Sirius manages to sound. Like the post-kiss pillow talk she hears in movies.
But her words come out as more of a squeak than anything.
Sirius must not care, because he lets out a breathy laugh and nods.
"It felt like everything I thought it would and better," he declares.
The way he says it makes Guinevere crack a smile. He sounds so enthusiastic, like a little kid who got everything he wanted for Christmas. His words weren't said to be vapid and flirtatious. He really enjoyed kissing her.
Like she enjoyed kissing him.
"So…," she drawls out. "Does this mean you… like me…?"
The very thought of Sirius Black having romantic feelings for her is enough to tip her entire world on its axis. Not long ago, she thought he hated her. Even the friendship they managed to cultivate was a shock to her. But he wouldn't have kissed her if he didn't have at least some sort of romantic feelings for her, right?
Unless this is all some sick joke of his and she's getting played for a fool.
"You couldn't tell?" he teases.
His flippant attitude nags at Guinevere like it never has before. Her fear that this could all be a cruel prank of his - the friendship, the talks, the late night dancing, the kiss - is building up in her chest.
"Answer the question, Sirius."
His smile fades.
"I thought me kissing you would have made the answer obvious."
Guinevere reluctantly accepts that this is the most she'll get out of him. She should have known better than to believe she could get Sirius Black to readily divulge something so deeply personal, even if it does involve her.
She'll just have to take that as a 'yes' for now.
"What about you?" he asks.
She knows what he's asking, but she wants to delay this discussion as much as possible. It's impossible to formulate an answer to that question when she's still reeling from that kiss.
"What about me?" she responds, feigning innocence.
Sirius gives her a look that tells her how much of an awful liar she really is.
"You kissed me back," he states. "Does that mean you like me?"
Merlin, she feels like she's back in primary school.
Her answer should be so simple; yes or no. Either she likes him in a not-so-platonic way or she doesn't. But it doesn't feel that simple to her.
So, she tries to deflect again.
"Is this your way of asking me out?"
Sirius grins and gives a noncommittal shrug.
"Maybe," he teases. "It depends; if I were to ask you out, what would your answer be?"
Guinevere has no answer.
She's sure that if she were to try and give him one, she would only be able to stutter out some incomprehensible gibberish and make herself seem like a fool. So, instead of even trying, she looks down at her lap and begins picking each individual cat hair off her robe and counting them as they fall.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten…
"Guin?"
She snaps out of her trance and looks at him, taking in the concerned furrow of his brow. She must not have realized how long she was anxiously picking at her robes.
She still has no answer to give him, and now she's starting to feel that tell-tale churning in her stomach that can only mean an anxiety attack is on the horizon.
Please, not here. Not now.
"Can I think about this a little while longer?"
The words come out of her mouth without any thought besides wanting to leave.
She doesn't want to "think about it". That will only result in more questions and more anxiety and more feelings that she doesn't want. What she really wants is to hide under a rock and pretend none of this ever happened so she doesn't have to sort out what these feelings are. Is that too much to ask?
Sirius purses his lips, and Guinevere can tell he isn't thrilled by the idea. She resists the urge to roll her eyes at him. His patience is that of a toddler.
"Christmas break is coming up soon," he points out. "We won't be seeing each other for over a month."
Guinevere can feel the words coming out of her, yet she still can't believe what she hears herself say.
"I'll give you an answer before we leave for the break. Now let's get to dinner before someone comes looking for us, okay?"
The smile Sirius gives her as he follows her out of the room is so unrestrained in its glee that Guinevere feels her heart ache.
She's dug herself into a deep hole here and she doesn't know how to even begin to get herself back out.
Guinevere spends the last few days of classes dodging Sirius as every corner, making sure Lily is okay, and trying to look at her situation with as much logic and as little emotion as possible.
She's started a habit of compiling a mental list of the pros and cons of accepting Sirius's offer to go out on a date. Every second she has to herself, the list grows, shrinks, and then grows again.
Pros: He's attractive, he's funny, I enjoy his company (most days), he has good taste in music, and if it all went south, I could have a clean break after we graduate.
Cons: We're very different people, we have completely different backgrounds, he'd probably get bored easily, his family would hate him even more, and my blood status may make him a target for the same people that target me.
So far, the cons are more compelling than the pros.
Now it's the last day, Guinevere has a train to catch in a hours time, and she still hasn't given Sirius an answer.
She pushes Stevie Wonder off her trunk so she can jam some of her polaroid pictures into it, all of which were taken with her own camera. They all tell a story.
Guinevere and Marlene cuddled up on the couch in the common room on a cold day.
Guinevere and Lily hugging each other so tight that no one can tell where one girls ends and the other begins.
James and Lily holding hands across the table and looking at each other as if they're the only two people in the castle.
Sirius covering his eyes from the camera with a playful grin.
She slams her trunk shut.
Her answer has to be no. There's no other way. Sirius is too impulsive for his own good; has no idea what he'd be getting into by dating a muggleborn witch. They're on the brink of war and Guinevere isn't going to be responsible for painting a target on anyone's back.
This is the most responsible decision, really.
"Guin?"
She turns on her heels to find her dorm mates all gathered around her in a semi-circle, their expressions akin to people approaching a wild animal. It makes her feel as though she's about to get an intervention.
"What is it?" she asks, looking around at them.
Lily motions for her to sit down on her bed. Guinevere complies despite her confusion. Her friends all sit across from her on the edge of Lily's bed, wearing matching concerned expressions. Even Dorcas looks concerned.
It takes a lot to make Dorcas concerned.
"Guin, we're worried about you," Lily blurts out.
"You've barely talked for days," Marlene adds.
"You don't even go to meals with us anymore," Alice points out.
"And you're just being plain weird," Dorcas claims.
Guinevere holds her hands up in surrender.
"Okay, I get it!" she exclaims. "I've been acting weird lately. I'm sorry if I've worried any of you. Now can we please discuss this later? Like, on the train? I've got to finish packing."
She makes a move to stand up and feign packing, but Lily uses her wand to lift the trunk out of her reach and settle it down across the room. Guinevere huffs her annoyance.
"Lily, seriously, it's no—,"
Lily holds up a warning finger.
"Guinevere Esther Driscoll, if you say "no big deal", I'm going to petrify you and leave you to miss the train."
Guinevere shrinks back in her seat. The dangerous glint in her emerald eyes are enough proof that this is no idle threat.
Only when she's sure that Guinevere will comply does Lily calm down. The other girls are looking at the redhead expectantly, waiting for her to speak. Guinevere should have guessed that this was Lily's idea. She's such a mother hen.
Usually Guinevere appreciates it, but not in this moment.
"What is it that's been bothering you these past few days, Guin?" Lily asks. "You know that whatever it is, we can work it out together. We just want to know that you're okay."
The other girls all lean forward on the bed, patiently awaiting Guinevere's answer. She just wants to get through this as soon as possible so she can be on her way to the Hogsmeade station and far away from all these problems caused by one damn kiss.
Why not just tell them? she thinks. I've already made my mind up about my answer. It's not like they can stop me.
"Sirius Black asked me out," she responds flatly.
The effect her words have on the group of girls is instantaneous. Alice lets out high-pitched squeal and smacks Marlene and Dorcas on their arms.
"I told you something happened between them this week!" she exclaims. "I knew it! I knew it!"
Lily groans and slips her hand into her pocket, pulling out a few sickles and shoving them into Alice's hands. Marlene and Dorcas follow suit, though Dorcas seems very reluctant to let go of her hard earned money.
"I thought it would at least take until April!" Lily huffs.
"I still can't believe I lost the bet a year ago," Marlene groans.
"Well I still think my theory about them meeting up one night years from now and having a drunken shag is—,"
"DORCAS!" Guinevere shrieks.
Her friends stop squabbling amongst themselves and finally turn to look at her. They at least have the decency to look ashamed about their little "bet". And Marlene lost a year ago? Just how long has this been going on?
This is like James and Lily all over again, but this time Guinevere isn't in on the fun.
"Well you all lose, because I'm telling him no," she snaps.
Their faces all fall. Guinevere can't imagine why. Did they actually think she and Sirius would make a good couple? They're so different, not just personality wise, but in their position in wizarding society.
No, it would never work out.
Alice glumly takes her newly earned sickles out of her pocket and starts to redistribute them, much to the disappointment of Marlene and Lily. But Dorcas pushes her hand away.
"Why are you telling him no?"
The painstakingly compiled list of cons comes back into her mind.
"We're too different to be compatible. We come from completely different backgrounds and he has no idea what he'd be getting into by dating a muggleborn during—,"
"Bullshit," Dorcas interrupts.
Guinevere bristles.
"What?"
"Bullshit," she repeats. "I know you don't give a shit about any of that pureblood nonsense you're spouting off. That's just an excuse. A pretty flimsy one at that. You don't want to date Sirius because you're scared."
It would have hurt less if Dorcas had just slapped her in the face.
"I'm not scared," Guinevere counters.
Dorcas scoffs.
"Of course you're scared. It's only natural. There's a war coming. You're scared, Sirius is scared, we're all scared. Hell, even I'm scared."
"I'm terrified," Alice chimes in. A quick glare from Dorcas is enough to effectively silence her.
Guinevere refuses to listen to Dorcas's words. She doesn't want to hear a second opinion, because she knows if she does, she'll start questioning her decision even more.
As if she wasn't confused enough to begin with.
"And what does me being afraid of the war have to do with not wanting to date Sirius?" she snaps.
"Because you're afraid of falling in love during a war," Dorcas responds. "There's more to lose that way. If you don't give it a go in the first place, you don't have to worry about that. But Guin, you can't just put your entire life on hold because you're scared of the future. If that were an option, we'd all just have to drop everything and live in a cave together because that's the only way to completely shield yourself from all harm."
Guinevere can practically feel that methodically organized pros and cons list crumbling right in front of her. She desperately tries to bring to mind the reasons she's been clinging onto as to why she can't date Sirius.
"Dating me could put him in harm's way," she insists, sounding like she's reading off a script. "Even associating with a muggleborn could—,"
"Dammit, Guin, stop it with that bullshit!" Dorcas shouts. "Quit acting like is a business transaction and not your goddamn life we're talking about here! You keep making these points about you two being from different blood statuses, but during this entire conversation, have you even once said how you feel about him? Like, as a person?"
Guinevere mentally sorts through her list of excuses, trying to pick out one reason she had for turning Sirius down that had anything to do with something more personal than his pureblood status.
She's drawing a blank.
Dorcas sighs and rubs at her temples, finally coming down from her emotional high. It's a strange sensation, being yelled at by Dorcas. Guinevere rarely ever sees her so passionate about something. Somehow, it feels worse than being yelled at by Lily.
Dorcas always delivers the hard truths that no one wants to hear.
"Look," she says. "I'm not telling you what your answer should be. I won't stop you if after all this, you still want to tell him that you can't go out with him. It's your life, Guin. You just… I think you forget that sometimes."
I think you forget that sometimes.
I think you forget that sometimes.
The words ring in Guinevere's head over and over again.
Wherever in her brain that list was being stored, it's gone. Probably to make room for that phrase.
I think you forget that sometimes.
She vaguely notices Lily standing up off the bed and kneeling in front of her to catch her eyes.
"We'll be waiting in the common room for you whenever you're ready to leave. Take all the time you need, okay?"
She places a hand on Guinevere's shoulder, letting it linger for a few more seconds than necessary before ushering the rest of the girls out of the room.
I think you forget that sometimes.
Is she really making this decision based on what's good for her? Or even what's good for Sirius?
Or is she doing it based on fear like Dorcas said?
She rests her head in her hands, taking in a sharp breath.
Think of the pros and cons list you were making, Guinevere, she tells herself. Think about this from a pragmatic standpoint.
Pros: He's attractive, he's funny, I enjoy his company (more often than not these days), he has great taste in music, he makes me laugh, he's clever, he's a hard worker, he makes me not take myself so seriously, and his kiss makes my heart pound.
Cons: I'm a bloody coward.
Guinevere has made up her mind. And she's sticking to it this time.
Getting up from her bed, she storms out of the room and makes her way to the boys' dormitory. She can hear her heartbeat pounding in her ears the entire way.
The door is open, allowing her to stride right in. The Marauders are all packing, of course, right at the last minute. James is the first to look up at the sound of Guinevere entering, followed by Remus, Sirius, and Peter. None of them are giving Sirius a knowing look, meaning he must not have told them.
"Guin?" James asks. "What is it that you—,"
She bypasses him and lunges at Sirius.
The kiss she gives him is hard and uncoordinated, probably not the most enjoyable one he's ever had. Her nose bumps his so hard on the initial collision that she fears she might give him a nose bleed. Their teeth run into each other, making an audible clacking noise. Even though Guinevere has no experience in that area, she can't imagine that anyone finds it particularly arousing.
When Sirius wraps his arms around her waist and steadies them both, it's far better. She gets the same warm feeling she got from their previous kiss, but this time it spreads all throughout her body. From her lips to her stomach and down into her toes, she feels a comforting warmth.
She can hear the hoops and hollers of Sirius's friends, but she pays them no mind.
When she pulls her lips away from his this time, she feels no confusion. Only pure, unadulterated joy.
How did she ever consider saying no to this? Not just the kisses, though those are wonderful. But how did she almost turn away from this connection the two have? How did she ever trick herself into thinking there was nothing there? Even when she had a proper kiss with Benjy Fenwick that she really did enjoy, she didn't leave with this amount of joy in her heart.
There's something between her and Sirius. It may not be love like James and Lily have, but it's something. And she doesn't want to leave that unexplored just because she's scared.
Sirius gives her a smile that's too big for his face and rests his forehead against hers, seemingly out of breath. Pride swells up in her chest.
She did that to him.
"So, I take it this means yes?" he asks.
Guinevere grins and gives him a quick peck on the lips, effectively answering his question.
"Sometimes, Sirius, courage is silent."
A/N: I know that seems like it could be a wrap up of the story, but rest assured, it isn't! I still have a lot more left in me! :)