AN: Another double post, also this chapter's title is a reference to Neon Genesis Evangelion, so is a small part of this chapter as it is the accumulation of all the things crashing down upon whats left of Takezou's mind

Though I did write from the second scene of this chapter onward while going through a bout of depression where in which I spent the entire day listening to Komm Süsser Tod, which is why part of the some makes an appearance.

Chapter Title: You Can (Not) Advance
Arc 6

The sounds of clicking, clacking and clinking of the metal moving about in my prosthetic arm was something I had gotten used to over the last couple days since I got out, I had been handed a sword pretty quickly and Ume sent me straight back to teaching without much of any chance to try to get some rest.

My kids were confused and then very excited to see every inch of the arm over getting back to lessons, Ume had been teaching them while I was out so I wouldn't be surprised if she had either run them into the ground or she had just treated them like her own daughter and spoiled them. One of the two.

Something I decided pretty much immediately was that I wouldn't wear the arm unless I needed to, like with teaching the kids, training with Ume or Kyudo… actually I'm not sure about that yet.

The arm was still pretty heavy to support plus lack of depth perception makes using it hard still.

…

Dad had shown me the blueprint for the arm hadn't he?

I'm pretty sure he did…

Shit.

I suppose that's why the arm is made to fit someone with larger arms than mine.

A sigh escaped me as I looked around at the front of the Archery Dojo… I had been standing here for probably an hour if I was honest.

Trying to work up enough courage… or something like that.

A voice caught me off guard.

"You've been standing there for a while now, are you looking to join the Doj-" the voice trailed off.

"Takezou!" Her tone was surprised…

Wait… this was- "Yumi." I stated her name rather than sounding surprised.

"What… what happened to you?!" She came up and began walking around me looking at everything, I was wearing a Kimono at the moment along with ninja sandals because it was easier to move around in this while I was still getting used to not being able to see properly. Though I didn't have my arm through the left sleeve so my undershirt was in view with the prosthetic hanging out of the Kimono.

"Your… your hair is almost completely white… metal arm? And… your eye..." she poked the prosthetic and then my left cheek under my eye.

"I can't see out of it." I said, making her freeze, lowering her hand.

"You can't?" Yumi let out a sad and hollow laugh. "I… Takezou, are you alright?" her eyes were tearing up.

"No, I'm not… this wasn't from someone though, apparently it's related to my family's chakra or whatever." dismissed with a fake smile.

"Anyway- let's go inside, you may not be using any bows for a while but at least the view would be better in there." and with that I was dragged inside, though I sat off the side and I just ended up watching until the sun went down, I talked to a few people, Souichirou sat down with me and kept me distracted for a good majority of the time.

Watching all the people come and go, I was mostly watching Yumi though…

I mean she was pretty.

Beautiful even.

I wouldn't say that to her face though, aside from the fact that it was uncomfortable enough to be around her while I was going through hormones and puberty again. I wasn't even sure if she liked me more then as a friend, I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before that I didn't originally have any intention of dating or anything like that.

But now, I felt like that had changed… maybe it was losing so much of myself that I feel like I'm not the same person, but at the least I wanted to try to find something.

If I wasn't going to be a Ninja, then it might be nice to have someone…

[A Cruel Angel's Thesis]

The house felt empty.

Obviously that was weird because Mum and Akatsuki were around.

I was standing in Dad's study without really knowing why…

I started crying… I wasn't sure when it happened, but the tears just rolled down my face. I wiped my face, at least this useless eye of mine could still cry…

This was shit, I hated it.

Everything was crumbling huh? It was like a switch being flicked as a song played in my head. It was a song I had never heard yet knew I had heard? Was it from that part of my mind I no longer remembered?

I know, I know I've let you down

I've been fool to myself

I thought that I could

Live for no one else

But now

through all the hurt＆pain

It's time for me to respect

The ones you love

Mean more than anything

So with sadness in my heart

I feel the best thing

I could do

is end it all

and leave forever

what's done is done it

feels so bad

what once was happy now is sad

I'll never love again

My world is ending

I wish that I could turn back time,
'cause now the guilt is all mine.
Can't live without the trust from those you love,
I know we can't forget the past.

You can't forget love and pride,
because of that it's killing me inside…

It all returns to nothing,
it just keeps tumbling down,
tumbling down. Tumbling down.

It all returns to nothing, I just keep letting me down,
letting me down. Letting me down...

I wasn't planning on killing myself, the song just came to mind while I felt so awful like this. Staring at the arm that was meant for dad as it sat on his desk, in his study where I stood alone wiping my tears away. Maybe I was just slipping mentally again and the world was tumbling down.

But if I could pull the memory of a song out of a mind that could no longer remember further back than my last few years at the academy, then maybe I could still salvage what was left of this head of mine.

A song so well done it embodied and told the story of a feeling that everyone has whether they admit it or not, something so strong that it transcends just enough to help me verbalize how I feel about all this.

Losing an eye, losing my arm, losing… losing my father, a real tangible person who I loved with all my soul, losing Sasuke to the cradle robbing trouser snake. But I've had so much at the same time, an amazing loving family, friends that I would give anything to keep safe and they would do much the same to me, wacky chakra powers that let me walk up walls or on water and all the other stuff it can do. Yet there was always that feeling dwelling in me that this was all fake, that I shouldn't get attached because it might just crumble or tumble down returning to nothing.

I may not remember much past the academy but I do know that it isn't my first life, and all I wanted to know was why it was me? Could anybody else be like me in this situation? If there were others, could I meet them? What would happen if I- died again? Assuming I died the first time around.

Who was "Takezou Rakurai"

If that was me, then what made that me?

Argh!

"This so stupid! Why am I even trying to do this-" I was cut off when the door opened, I turned to see Aunty Rei.

"You know, talking to yourself is the first sign of madness?" she closed the door and walked around me to the desk, she sat down on the chair behind it and opened up one of the drawers. "Well go on- sit down in the chair." she pointed to the chair I was standing next to.

"Um…? Why are you going through Dad's desk anyway?"

"Well I'm not questioning my reasons for living like you seemed to be- which by the way if you ever thought about just killing yourself, I would sooner strap you to a crucifix then let you do that." I don't think I'd ever seen anyone have as fierce an expression as she gave me.

Clearing my throat I tried to change the topic. "So… you're an ANBU right?"

"Hm? Oh yeah I am, why? I'm going to let you join them if that's what you're asking- plus you aren't much use to anyone if you only have one arm." She was far too easy going about just saying that 'yes I am in fact one of the Villages most elite ninja'

"What no! It's just because you always wear gear that made me think you were one." I watched as her brow furrowed.

"How do you know what we wear?" Rei asked, brushing her Auburn hair out of her eyes.

"What do you mean? If you go to one of those stores where you can get Shinobi stuff there's an entire section of stuff that is just labeled 'ANBU style'... actually why are they allowed to do that?"

"What- the fuck? They didn't have that there when I was a kid, and now they're just letting all you kids know how ANBU dress? That's insane!" She seemed peeved about it.

"You wanted to know why I was over right? it was because your Dad had something in here for me that he had been holding onto before he passed." she said after a few minutes passed and she was still digging through the desk.

"Oh… okay."

Rei gave me an incredulous look with her Heterochromic eyes, the left was ocean blue and the right was emerald green.

"You know that thing has a spot where a blade can be mounted and recede into itself for later use, right?" she offered while looking at the arm I had put on the desk over an hour or so ago when I first walked in.

"Really?" I was kinda excited to hear that. "Wait how do you know?"

"I gave them some ideas about it, your Dad wanted to go back into active service and so I said he should put something in it, so now a sword comes out." she paused for a minute. "Seeing as it's still there I think he liked it."

With that she pressed a finger onto a piece of it with a small discharge of charka that was almost unnoticeable the wrist detached and on the now flat surface a blade the length of a Katana's came out, I picked up the now detached hand letting some chakra into it and moving the fingers on it for a moment before pressing a little into the spot Aunty Rei had and the blade retracted leaving the flat part free for me to re-attach the hand.

"Whoa..."

"Pretty cool huh?"

[Depression Unknown]

I was never going to find a reason to use the ejectable sword.

For starters I had to detach the hand to let it out, so that was already an annoying feature seeing as I didn't use swords often anyway. Plus the biggest part becomes the part where I was naturally right handed so it being my left hand was an issue- which leads back around to the fact that I can't see out of my left eye so everything was back to being mute and null again.

I wasn't wearing it today either, it's been about a week since I contemplated who I was in Dad's study which had become mine by extension seeing as Mum just used it as a library. I mostly just sat down at the desk and read or worked on lessons when I had time now, teaching again had been fun, I didn't wear the arm for that either. I didn't wear it when I went to Kyudo, I… I guess I just don't use it unless I really need to.

As for what I was doing right now though, I had walked up to the top of the village and was sitting on the railing/walkway that was on the monuments. I'd never come up here but I knew about it. Watching over the village like this was nice, it was somewhat tough because I nearly stumbled off the walkway earlier.

It had gotten a lot cooler recently so I was wearing my tan cloak that I got all that time ago, it was nice and comfortable in the Autumn winds. I probably looked like some cartoon character or movie character, pretty tall, one eye is useful, only one arm- I use swords and enjoy archery… My body of scars is not unlike that of my grandparents' hearts of fire and bodies of smelted steel, or my mother's heart of slow burning embers always providing warmth and ready to be stoked into action and help.

There were definitely people who were older than me that were far worse off, but I was the only person in our age range that was this fucked up-

"Haha- Hahaha!" I laughed into the cold breeze opening my arms wide "I really am fucked aren't I!"

my laughter continued as I clutched my stomach as it became too much for me, doubling over I came to a stop and wiped the building water from my eyes, even if I could see out of one of them they both still cried just as well or could water up.

Putting my palm to my face and splaying my fingers out as a dark smile override what expression I had before I chuckled darkly to myself for a moment.

"What was that stupid quote again…? In this world, is the destiny of mankind controlled by some transcendental entity or law? Is it like the hand of God hovering above? At least it is true that man has no control; even over his own will." I spoke it in a Language I didn't know what was…

I couldn't place where I got it from but it was in my head…

"It's a load of shit the lot of it!" I slammed my fist into the railing denting it "Fuck!"

I just wanted Dad back.

Why…?

I was having another breakdown- and why shouldn't I? This world is shit!

I hated it.

"This world is Hell." The boy cloaked in darkness screamed unto the heavens as he was covered in blood with the corpse of the woman he loved sitting at his feet as he crumbled to the ground and clutched it bringing it to his face all the while his remaining right eye, it blazing red and twitching as the odd pupil altered unnaturally. Having lost the left.

Moving my hand down I fished something out of my pants pocket, I fumbled with the small box nearly dropping it on the metal walkway. Finally raising my hand I flicked the white slightly crumpled box with a red diagonal across it from right to left, a familiar box to anyone who knew him- after all I had even jokingly warned him about them, but now… now all that was left was the hole he left…

I wake up to the sound of Kaede crying about him every night.

It fucking hurts-

Every.

Single.

Damn.

Time!

"Shit!" I cursed out loud as I placed the cigarette in my lips and lit it by drawing on what fire chakra I could muster making a lighter out of my thumb.

I nearly emptied out the whole damn cancer stick in one intake before blowing out a huge smoke cloud into the wind-

"Ack!" I started coughing as it filled my lungs.

After recovering I snapped what was left of it and flicked it into the wind before pulling out another one and I began smoking like someone who had been doing it for years- I watched the old man do it for so long maybe it rubbed off on me…

I paused my sigh of relief at how great I felt from it when water hit my lap as I realized I was crying. Leaving the pre rolled cigarette in my mouth I tried at wiping them away, but the water works wouldn't stop. It only got worse as I thought about Mum and Dad again.

I was so sick of this.

Standing up from where I had my legs dangling over the edge I got up on top of the railing taking another inhale of the cigarette, closing my eyes I stepped off the cliff.

The rush of air was exhilarating yet terrifying- freefall always terrified me. More than the terror from the forest of death.

"I WISH THIS NIGHTMARE WOULD JUST END-" I screamed at the world as I plummeted toward the ground.

Where is my mind?

Where was my mind?

Where had I gone?

AN: So after what I wrote at the top I thought I'd clarify that Take's feelings and words aren't connected to that, if anything it helped me understand how to write it at the time, anyway though. It's no longer the same Takezou, he's becoming a true shell of himself.