Chapter 13 – When Dad Comes Marching Home Again
Double D rounded the corner that led onto the cul-de-sac street. It was that certain time in evening when day and night meet for a few seconds and decide to mingle with each other. It was just dark enough to send out the first few waves of fireflies, their shimmering light dotting the dark outline of the cul-de-sac houses. But it was still light enough to make out the edges of the horizon, which had become a very vibrant burnt orange color. Double D paused just long enough next to a hedge to observe the wonderful colors of the sky. He wondered with a certain curiosity if some great man had taken a brush and painted the sky such beautiful colors. Even as a man of science, it puzzled him sometimes how such beauty could exist in nature. Puffy indigo clouds occasionally disturbed the glow of orange, as the fireflies danced their romantic dance. They say April is the cruelest month; at least, Double D had read that somewhere once. But it seemed to him right now that April was the most beautiful month. It gives you that hint of summer without the heat. The sweet floral smell wafted in the air as the sun continued to decline. He shook his head out of the mental fog he had fallen into and continued walking down the road. He saw the light-filled windows of his house and noticed something else as well; his father's BMW was sitting out parked on the curb. There was something about that car that rubbed him the wrong way. Maybe it was after seeing the Kanker's worn-out Toyota Camry; but seeing that car just made his stomach churn a little with affluenza. He never knew the little things that determine how good someone has it.
To say he liked his father would be the overstatement of the century; he tolerated the man. Double D's father had odd ways about him. He came across as cold and frozen, as if a perpetual winter existed in him. Double D knew his history and knew that his upbringing probably did a lot of this to him. But it didn't matter, he wanted a dad; but instead he had a father.
The man had a brilliant mind, there was no doubt about that. But for all that brain power, he sacrificed a lot in decency. Being in the military all those years forced him to live as stern and straight as a redwood tree. Double D's mother had a certain softness to her. She still retained her coyness and sense of humor. She was truly a mom. But father was as comforting and tender as a lumbar puncture.
Double D walked up the path to the house. He let out a definite sigh before twisting the knob, allowing the door to push open. He closed it silently behind him, allowing the click to be audible. The lamp-light of the living room began to take-over as the sun had given its final remarks of the day. The light scattered and descended on all the nice furniture that existed in this living room. Mahogany coffee tables and end-tables, leather upholstery on the couch and chairs, a floor-model television. Double D's thoughts flashed back to the Kanker's living room: in a haze he remembered their squeaky air-conditioner, their ring-stained coffee table, the front door that sounded off like a herd of bats flying out of a cave. But he remembered something else, something much more real. He remembered how lived-in it felt, how homey it was. He knew that the Kanker's all gathered in that living room on a nightly basis to watch smutty TV shows and gossip over cups of Kool-Aid and Knabb's crackers. It struck him with nostalgia that he never even experienced.
He couldn't even remember the last time someone even sat in his living room.
Approaching the door adjacent to the staircase, he could hear the clanging of pots and pans and the murmur of conversation. He pushed open the door and immediately saw his mother, with her apron on, drying the last of the saucepans from that evening's meal. She noticed him immediately and waved with a splitting grin on her face.
"Hiya hun, we've been wondering where you were!" she said, hanging the pan up above the stove and turning back around.
"Sorry Mother, I was just taking a little of my time to enjoy the beautiful spring evening.." Double D said, walking up further and rounding the slight corner of the kitchen. He saw his father perched on a bench at the breakfast bar, nursing a steaming mug of coffee. He was still decked in his blue Air Force uniform, his lieutenant colonel oak-leaf shinning silver. It was a glimmer that was familiar to him, as familiar as the glimmer that came from the fireflies earlier.
"Hello Eddward." his father said as he casually raised his right hand toward Double D.
Double D came over and slid his satchel off his shoulder, placing it carefully on the floor next to him as he took a seat on the farthest stool at the breakfast bar.
"Hello father…" Double D replied, placing his hand out-front to shake his father's. The two shook hands and smirked at each other. Double D wondered if his father's smirk was genuine, because he knew his own was not.
"How was school today, son? Learn anything new?" he asked, taking a sip from his coffee. In this bright kitchen light, his gray hairs popped out in contrast to his black hair. He was graying at quite the rate, a man who was well into his fifties at that point.
"It was quite nice father. I'm beginning to really enjoy chemistry now that we've begun delving deeper into thermodynamics. There's nothing on Earth that makes me happier than seeing those equations first thing in the morning…" Double D replied, holding his hands to his face in a joyous expression. His father looked at him blankly for a few seconds, sipped his coffee, and sipped again.
"I liked it too…" he said rather subtly, "Just wait until you really learn about thermodynamics. It nearly killed me the first time in undergrad…"
There he goes again… Double D thought, as his mother slid his plate of food in front of him. It was broiled ribeye steak served with a baked potato and some spinach salad. Double D could never have any true interests according to his father. Anything he learned in school was "only the beginning" or "just wait until…". These sayings flew out of his father at a speed approaching the speed of light. Everything had to be qualified. Everything had to be conditioned. Even if he had a PhD, Double D's father would still find ways to shoot down any fun he had while learning. Robert Morano didn't see learning as fun or enjoyable; he saw it as work. He always figured the more you hated something, the more it would stick to you. He lived his whole professional life by that motto, to the detriment of his wife and son.
"Oh don't listen to your father, Edd. He just doesn't like to admit he wasn't the best student in the world…" his mother lamented, untying her apron to reveal her nurse's uniform underneath. Her dark hair was tied back into quite the messy bun, and her figure was cast in quite a lovely way in that kitchen light.
His mother was always there to pick up the pieces that his father always took out. Double D decided from a very young age that his mother was basically the only parent he had. Perhaps he and Marie were not so different in that regard. His mother adored him, and he adored her. As an only child he had to share his love with no one, and it was a special kind of love indeed. He didn't hate his father; he didn't know him well enough to hate him. He always felt deep-down that his father didn't really want children, or even a wife. Family didn't mean much to Robert Morano. Julie, Double D's mother, had also known his cold feeling for a long time. She knew deep-down that the only meaningful thing he had ever given to her was her son. He consistently forgot anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays. Divorce was a word that played in her mind more than once, but she knew that they needed his substantial paycheck to keep afloat. And she still craved him when he was away, even more so after she had grown older.
"Perhaps I wasn't the best…" he replied, getting up off the stool and pushing it in, carrying his coffee with him. "But I'm the best now, and that's what matters most to me…"
"Best according to who…?" his mother playfully replied. She leaned over the breakfast bar on the opposite side, her breasts pressed against the countertop.
"NASA." He said, sipping from his coffee and beginning to walk away. "I'm going up to my office to rest a while. It was nice seeing you Edd, we'll talk more tomorrow…" and with that he pushed open the door, and his footsteps were heard going up the staircase. The faint thud of his office door vibrated the ceiling, and Double D had by that time finished his dinner.
"So…" his mother said, taking his plate and scraping the few scraps into the garbage disposal, "have you talked to that girl anymore hun?"
Double D turned beet red and froze for a few seconds.
"I…I have, a little. But she is a busy person mother, she has quite a few responsibilities at home. I wouldn't want to intrude." He responded, feeling the warmth of his blush against his hand.
"Come on, you've got to make your move!" she teased, reaching over to pinch his arm. "Don't you know that mothers know best! I was a girl once, ya know. I've been there and done that, girls want to be pursued. So you need to do yourself some pursuing!"
"Perhaps I'm not in the mood for pursuing, mother. Maybe I…maybe I just want to consider Marie a friend. I'm not in the habit currently to worry about possible romantic endeavors. Maybe I just want to leave that sort of thing alone for right now…" he responded, looking down into his palms and trying to read them.
"You can't wait forever…" she said, leaning over and smiling. "I know you're still young, Edd, but don't ever think that you're too good for a good woman. Sometimes it takes one to bring out the best in you. But it's something that you have to chose for yourself. If I were you, I'd make the move. She seems like she likes you…the worst answer you can get is no…"
"I know, mother, I know. I just…don't think now is the time. After high school, everyone is likely to scatter into a million different directions. I don't know where my future is taking me yet; all I know is I've got goals and I'm trying to work towards them…" he replied, standing up and beginning to pace around in the kitchen. His mother's eyes followed him, and she smiled the entire time, shaking her head from time to time.
"Just like your father…" she said, putting the final plate into the dishwasher and closing it shut, flipping the on switch in the process. "He dragged his feet about everything, too. I was the one that ended up asking him out in the end. Not much has changed, either…" she said, blowing a puff of air that lifted her chestnut bangs off her forehead ever-so slightly. Double D didn't stomach the comparison well, and he was growing tired. He took his bag and proceeded over to his mother.
"I'm going to head up to bed now, mother. It's been quite a long day, and I think lying down would do a world of good. Thank you very much for dinner, it was excellent as always"
"Okay honey, you go get you some rest…" she said, embracing him in a warm hug and patting his back. "And you remember what I told you okay…it's all up to you."
"I will, mother…" he said, smiling back at her and leaving the embrace. He walked towards the door and pushed it open.
"Night hun!" she said, happily waving.
"Goodnight mother!" He said, pushing the door open and allowing it to thud shut behind him. He quietly climbed the wooden stairs and walked towards his bedroom door. He opened it and went in, flicking his lamp on and seeing all his school work neatly organized on his desk. His trusty cactus, Jim, stood proudly next to his bed, welcoming his friend home for the night. Double D took off his shirt and examined his scrawny frame for a second, puzzled if any girl would find it attractive. He stripped off his underwear and wondered if anything about him was attractive. Double D had never really thought about his appearance before, but standing naked in his room, he felt incredibly vulnerable and alone. He knew this was going to be harder than he thought. He put his pajamas on and climbed into bed, pulling the covers up to his chin and clicking his lamp off, shrouding his room in darkness. A million fears bloomed in his mind, the bittersweet spring breeze blowing in through his open window and tickling his nose. His fears danced right in front of him, and he felt as tight as walking on broken glass; a tightrope walker with one foot in his grave. His anticipation kept him awake, but his fear pushed him to sleep. Eventually he dozed off after being scared of his internal conflict.
His mother, Julie, proceeded to finish her cleaning after Double D went off to contemplate in the prison of his mind upstairs. She wiped off all the counters and cleaned off the stove. With everything as clean as it could be, she flicked off all the lights, locked the front door, and found herself wandering upstairs. The luminous grandfather clock in the living room boomed out nine loud booms, signaling the fact that it was getting to be quite late. As she rounded the top stair, she noticed that her husband's office light was off. She figured he must have snuck off to bed. Walking a little further down the hall, she could detect the faint murmur of the bedroom television. Ahh, he did welcome himself to bed, she thought. It was always weird having him in the house, especially in the bed. He was essentially a stranger, and his presence always seemed to throw everything off. She went into the bathroom and changed into her sleep attire: a large t-shirt and flannel bottoms. She looked at herself in the mirror for a few seconds in the bathroom, noticing that her roots were beginning to show and her wrinkles were starting to catch up with her. She hated getting old, because beauty was supposed to be with her forever. It just didn't seem fair.
She creeped off to the bedroom and slowly slid the door open, peeping inside. She noticed Robert lying on the bed, dressed down to his undershirt and boxers. He was leaning up, watching the news on TV with his arm behind his head.
"Hey honey…" he said, looking over her way. "I was pretty tired so I figured I'd hop into bed…"
She smiled at him, but there was certainly not a smile on the inside. She knew that he didn't really like coming in once every month. And truth be told, part of her didn't event want to see him that much. But part of her did, the part of her that was still alive and begging to be wanted, desired…loved. She playfully climbed on the bed and kneeled over him, a huge grin streaking across her face.
"Hopefully not too tired…" she said, pulling up her shirt and exposing her ample breasts to him. His face froze for a second before he leaned forward and began to indulge her, the shirt eventually flying off to the floor along with every other item of clothing. There had always been a rough sexual frustration between them, one that seemed to superficially calm any tension that built up over time. The night was filled with grunting and groaning, slapping sounds and vocalizations. Once a month, that's all the time they could make. But with this time, they returned to their high-school mentalities, and he took the opportunity to channel every single one of his frustrations into rough sex. It was a good thing Double D was such a good sleeper, because he never had any understanding of his parents' escapades. He was currently lost in dream world, hoping that soon his dreams would turn into realities.