Runs In The Blood

I never closed my eyes. I never opened them again.

I never went to sleep. I never woke up.

It was some fuzzy in between state that choked me like water. Colors were smeared. The only sound was the painful buzzing White Noise always leaves behind. And yet, a steady warmth stayed around me.

There were blank moments of time, kind of like when you stop paying attention during a conversation and only catch snippets of it. I saw the walls of the gym, even the large charred spot in the left corner. Then I saw the walls of a room I didn't recognize - the rooms the agents had.

I felt a soft bed below me. Heard a soft voice rise up above the static. My chest stung as I watched hands bandage the cut there. My head throbbed and my body ached. But little by little, I started making out words.

" . . . keep your eyes . . . lay still . . . okay I . . . deep breath and . . ."

That was Zadra's voice.

It was like pushing through a wall of glass to get to my senses. To feel my limbs sprawled out and my head propped up on something. To taste cool water and hear gentle words, carefully coaxing me up from the waves.

" . . . will be alright . . . Aja, can you hear . . . just rest . . . "

". . . Zadra?" Why did my mouth feel like sandpaper?

". . . Here," Her face faded in and out of focus. "Can . . . hear me now?"

A light came on, setting fire to the back of my eyes. I flinched away from it, and it quickly vanished.

"You . . . in shock . . . princess."

That was Varvatos's voice.

"Only . . . breathe."

In and out. In and out. The air felt cool and fresh. But everything else felt warm and soft. My chest went up and down, the cut over it stinging a little more each time. But it was worth it to have the fog cleared from my head.

It's like waking up under water, Claire's voice said to me, the day she explained what it was like to be her. And you can't breathe or move or think, you just have to wait for yourself to float to the surface. And . . . and it hurts.

I wondered where Claire was now. I wondered if she missed me. If any of them did.

"Varvatos?" His face came into focus, sitting with his cane at the bedside. "Zadra? What - you're not supposed to be -"

"We returned early," Zadra said. Her voice was clear this time.

"What happened?" I croaked. "Why did he -?"

A sting went across my forehead, the ridge drawn across it suddenly blazing with heat. I cut myself off with a hiss and brought a protective hand to the spot.

"Ice," I murmured.

"What?"

I bit my lip, tears coming. I brought a second hand to my forehead. "Ice," I repeated. "Please . . . it hurts . . ."

The feeling was overwhelming, crashing like waves. I could almost feel the metal tip again. The cold hands of the PSFs as they held me down. The darkness of the room. The crack of the baton. The burning -

I rasped at the air, trying to get my breathing under control. A soft, breathy cry pulled from my throat, both hands still clutching my forehead. Then something cold touched me and it was enough for me to pull away.

It wasn't ice, but it was wet and it was cold. It would do.

It almost felt like an ice pack. The kind Seamus used to give me all the time. The kind we used at Trollmarket.

And for one moment, holding the makeshift ice pack against my forehead, I imagined I was back at Trollmarket. Under the neon lights and the rickety bunks. With Steve sitting beside me, Eli strewn out on the opposite bed, and Krel sitting cross legged on the rug between us as he fiddled with some gadget. And it was warm and whole and perfect.

But it wasn't real.

The second I opened my eyes, I was faced with the world of the League again. Sterile tiles. White walls. Fluorescent lights. Threadbare carpet.

The thing in my hand was a wet rag. I kept it firmly against my scar as I sat up. I was lying in Zadra's bed, in her plain room. There was a thick bandage across my chest and dried blood coating my ears.

"Do you remember what happened, Aja?" Zadra asked.

"Yes," I pushed the rag harder against my forehead. "How are you here? Why did you come back?"

"We knew what would happen if we left you to your own with Zeron," Varvatos said. "We came for you."

"Well you came twenty minutes too late."

The beat of silence that followed pounded like a sledgehammer. Good.

"Zeron was looking for Krel," I said, sitting up on the sheets. "I want to know why."

"Aja, lay down -"

"I'm fine," I snapped. "I can handle White Noise. What does Zeron want with Krel?"

"Princeling, your rest is most important -"

"You said I could be happy here," I threw at them. "You said the League wasn't Thurmond. But parts of it are no different and you know it. Why did you lie to me?"

They fell silent, exchanging an uneasy glance - a mixture of guilt and fear. It made me wonder how in the hell we ended up in this mess.

Varvatos hung his head when he spoke. "Varvatos wishes things were different -"

"Well they're not," Angry tears gathered in my eyes. "Now tell me what that bastard wants with my brother."

"Aja -"

"Vex," Zadra whispered. "She deserves to know."

"She is only a child."

"When will you realize that keeping me ignorant doesn't make me innocent?" I spat. "It only makes me vulnerable. So stop protecting something that is no longer there."

It was hard to describe the look in their eyes. So much history. So much pain and regret. So many secrets that had rotted between us. But somewhere, almost hidden, there was still hope.

"I joined the League," I said, "I let my brother - my entire family go, because I want to bring an end to this chaos. But all I am is trapped and targeted. The least you can do is tell me why."

Zadra eased out a sigh. "Zeron has not always sided with the League. He used to work as a troll; one of the very first in the program."

Why am I not surprised?

"His reputation preceded him into the League," Varvatos said. "He was recruited to bring some stability back to the nation, as were all of the first agents. But he had different ideas of how to do it."

I gave a humorless laugh.

"The League began as something good," Zadra said. "As more than just a resistance, but as a place of refuge. Your parents fought to keep it that way."

I perked up. "They did?"

"Your parents were involved very early on," Varvatos said. "Do you not remember?"

"I guess I just . . . haven't thought about it in so long."

"Fialkov and Coranda believed the League could truly be the Children's League. They believed there was a way to bring all this madness to an end, and the agents here could pioneer it."

"What happened?"

"Zeron was not the only one with unprecedented ideas," Varvatos's voice became grave. "Once they became popular, there was no way of undoing the damage. Your parents were forced out of the League for standing against it, and then . . . and then betrayed as they tried to flee."

I stared at the wall before me. I waited for the rage, the blinding, frustrating, fiery rage to take over my chest. But it didn't. I was only numb.

"But the League is not the only one that wanted your mother and father gone," Zadra said after a moment. "Your parents knew Morando, when he was still a general."

I nodded. I'd known him too.

"They threatened to take what was happening to the UN," I said, remembering what Krel had told me. "To say that it was against human rights."

Zadra gave me a small, yet proud smile. "They still are threatening that."

I blinked. "What?"

Varvatos laughed gently. "Do you think they have been doing nothing but twiddling their thumbs all these years?"

"They never stopped fighting," Zadra laid a gentle hand on my shoulder. "Just like you never did."

A light laugh burst from my throat. Tears were suddenly in my eyes. They - they were really out there. Still trying to protect us. To show the world what Psi had done to us.

"But that is not all," Zadra shifted on the bed. "Morando has been very careful about maneuvering them, keeping them infamous with the public and track of their children."

That's when it clicked.

"Morando is involved with the League," I said. "To keep an eye on Krel and I. To use us to get to Mama and Papa."

"Saying there are agents involved with Morando would be a more accurate statement," Varvatos replied. "Zeron was one of the first to become double sided."

"That's why he wants us," I breathed. "That's why he hurts us."

"What Zeron wants is the reward money he will get when he turns you over to Morando."

A twist of fear went inside me. I thought back to all the nights Varvatos had come to guard my room.

Oh.

"Besides you," I asked. "What's stopping him?"

"You are too valuable for the League not to miss," Zadra explained. "Very few of the agents are involved in Morando's deal. If our best Orange should go missing, it would compromise many secrets they have fought to keep."

"What about Krel?"

"Zeron was unwilling to take the risk of making him disappear until Morando offered the reward money several weeks before your rescue," Varvatos leaned both hands on his cane. "Following our instincts, we refused to let Krel anywhere unsupervised."

"Did he know all this?" I asked. "Did he know Morando was bargaining for our lives?"

"He understood Zeron was one of many people using him to get to your parents," Zadra said. "And he knew there was more danger in leaving the League then staying. But once the two of you were reunited, he was willing to take the risk."

"I'm lucky he did," I said. "Or Zeron would've had us both. And then Morando -"

"Morando will not have his way with you," Varvatos said. "We will not allow it."

"How?" I asked. "You can't babysit me forever."

"No," Zadra said. "But we can disarm him."

"What?"

"For Zeron to bring you into that basement and torture you was compromising," She said. "He revealed a side of the League to a very valuable Psi child, leaking sensitive information into an insecure environment."

Varvatos grinned. "We will take his thumbs for it."

"And his jurisdiction," Zadra added. "He no longer has the League's trust, therefore, is no longer permitted to carry Calm Control should he use it to intentionally harm you."

"He will not touch you again, my princess."

I looked down, raising the rag to my forehead. But it had already gone warm.

"I want to bring an end to this," I said. "I want to help other kids like me, I always have."

"And you can here," Zadra said. "The League is not the place of refuge it claims to be. We did coat the truth that day, after all you had been through, we thought it best. But you still have power here. There is still a good fight to be won."

"You do not have to trust us," Varvatos said, his eyes piercingly sincere. "We only ask that you stay."

I thought back to when Krel and I had first learned about the League. How much hope we'd had then. Mama and Papa had hope for the League too. Maybe a part of them still did - and maybe a part of me still did too.

Or maybe it wasn't hope for the League, maybe it was hope for me. Hope to finally end all the pain Psi had brought this world. To get kids out of camps. To never have to run or hide again. Maybe I could do it. Maybe I could continue the fight they started.

Then maybe I could see them again.

"Okay," I whispered. "Okay."