Disclaimer: I have never nor will ever own any of the characters. They belong to Rob Thomas. If I did own them, I would never have done what he did.
Chapter Twelve
Logan's POV
"Are you ready to go home," she asks me. "Home" doesn't even feel real right now, yet I answer her, more for her benefit than my own, taking her hand in mine and lacing our fingers together. I just can't take one more painful look from anyone today, so at this point I will do and say just about anything to not upset her.
We arrive home and I am forced to focus again on trying to act as normal as possible, but I am more than struggling. Keith had been easy to talk to. He stepped into the doting father role and more than anything he just wanted to make sure that we were both okay.
However, I had not been prepared for Dick and Wallace's reactions. The clear anger and betrayal that was on both of their faces has caused me to wonder if things will ever be the same. Dick seemed to quickly accept what had happened and my return after his brief anger with me, but I am certain that Wallace is not over this and I am not sure that he will be anytime soon.
I am again plagued with thoughts that I had this morning concerning whether or not I would be able to integrate myself back into their lives. They had spent a whole year without me and whether Veronica wants to admit it or not, things changed. The friendship that Wallace and I had seems to be hanging on by a thread, if it is still there at all and Veronica and Dick seem to have developed a relationship that I would have never expected to occur.
I would like to think that I'm not jealous, but I haven't changed that much and even though it is Dick and I know that neither him nor Veronica would ever do that to me, I still can't help but be jealous of the year that he got to spend with her that I missed out on.
How many years are we going to have to spend apart? When is enough enough? I know that I shouldn't dwell on this now, but my mind keeps going back to my deepest fear that she is going to leave me, that the initial bliss of my return will wear of and in its place will be anger. Anger that I once again robbed us of more time together. The idea alone of not being with her makes me feel like I can't breathe.
I'm quiet again as we make our way inside and I know that she can sense that I am again deep in my own thoughts. It has to be killing her that I am not voicing what I am thinking. She has never liked not being in the loop, her inquisitive mind always wanting to know everyone's innermost details, especially mine. Even knowing this, I still can't bring myself to voice what is really going on.
As we enter the apartment, we are happily greeted by Pony, who is more than ready to go out. Veronica grabs her leash and starts to head back down the stairs to take her out. I go to follow, but she stops me telling me, "I will be right back. You are clearly drained and this won't take long. You should relax and get comfortable."
I start to protest, but she is already out the door before I even have a chance to say anything. I feel that tightness in my chest and that feeling of panic that I awoke with this morning is starting to surface again.
I pace back and forth, down the small hallway, and then turn and make my way back to the front door, only to turn around and repeat the process over and over. When I feel like I have worn a path in the floor, uncertain how long I have actually been pacing, I sit on the couch. My leg is nervously bouncing up and down and I am fidgeting with my fingers, trying to not allow my panic to overtake me.
After what seems like hours, but in reality, is probably only minutes, I see the front door open and she walks back in with a smile on her face. That smile quickly disappears when she looks at me.
"Logan, what is wrong?"
"Nothing is wrong, I am fine." I attempt to calm my breathing and stop my nervous fidgeting, but it is too late. She has already seen my panicked actions, so it doesn't surprise me that she doesn't believe me.
"No, you are not fine. You are as pale as a ghost, you are sweating, and you clearly haven't stopped fidgeting since I left. What is going on?"
I hunch over, resting my elbows on my knees, bringing my hands to rest on either side of my head. I take a deep breath, trying to brace myself for the conversation that I'm not sure I am ready to have.
"Are you going to leave me?" my voice shakes as I ask the question that I am afraid of the answer to.
She quickly makes her way to me, squatting in front of me. She takes my hands off of my head and holds them in hers, squatting even further so that her face is level with mine.
"What are you talking about? What would make you think for a second that I would be leaving you? I just got you back. What could have happened today to put that idea I your head?"
I can't make eye contact with her. I can tell that she is getting angry by my lack of response, but I'm afraid that if I look at her or talk about this, then the emotions that I have been trying to hold at bay all day will overwhelm me.
"Logan?" she says in an annoyed and concerned voice.
"It's been this growing fear all day. Honestly it was a fear the whole time that I was gone and away from you."
"Wha-why?" she questions, anticipating that there is more to my answer.
"We had what seemed like five minutes of being married before I was yanked away from you and it's not like you were ecstatic about the whole marriage thing in the first place. I just can't help but think that after the dust settles, and you have time to reflect over the last year, that you will…"
"Time to reflect," she interrupts, anger visible on her face, she drops my hands and stands, starting to pace in front of me.
"You don't think that I had enough time to reflect. I had 365 days of nothing but reflection. Nights where I would cry myself to sleep because all I could think about was all of the things that we would never get to do. All of the touches that I would never get to feel, the sounds that you make in your sleep or during sex that I would never hear again. Do you have any idea what that is like?"
I try to say something, anything but she apparently isn't done. Apparently, I must have opened the flood gates as she continues with her emotional out pouring.
"I would lay in bed and agonize over the fact that one day soon, the bed and your pillow would no longer smell like you. I would hate myself for allowing this to happen. I'm a PI for Christ's sake and I didn't think to check the car after I had a bomber in there."
She's yelling now, and I am floored by her admissions. How could she have blamed herself for this? She didn't cause this. Penn planted the bomb and the Navy took advantage of that fact.
"I would think of all of the times that I should have told you that I love you and I didn't. I would remember every snarky comment that I made, every time that I ran from you, every time I pushed you away, and all of the time that we spent apart because I wasn't mature enough to deal with all of my own bullshit."
She has stopped her pacing now and is standing there with a look of absolute defeat is written all over her face. "Do you want to know what conclusion all of my reflections brought me to?" She is looking at the floor now, so I move to stand in front of her. I lift her chin, bringing my forehead down to rest on hers.
"I realized that I didn't deserve you and that's why you were taken from me. You had grown into this amazing man and I was still stuck dealing with the same issues that I was too stubborn to deal with all of those years ago. So, if either of us should be worried about someone leaving, it should be me. You deserve so much more than what I have given you."
She pushes me away from her and moves to stand further from me. The distance is only a few feet between us, but right now it feels like miles. She stands with her arms wrapped around her stomach, in what looks like an attempt to hold herself together.
She looks up at me, tears in her eyes, "I'm not going anywhere Logan. I barely survived losing you the first time, so for you to think that I would for a second ever even entertain the idea of leaving you, is just stupid. You are it for me, so I am here for as long as you will have me," she tells me, her anger subsiding as her voice is thick with emotion.
Veronica has never been one to easily talk about her feelings, so for her to so easily admit all of her pain and regret from the last year, gives me hope that she isn't going to leave me, but it isn't going to go away after just one conversation.
"So, my question to you, Logan, is how long will you have me for?"
"Veronica, do you want to know what I thought about? Any spare moment that I had was spent thinking of nothing but you. I had my own time for reflection and while I would remember everything that we have gone through and all of the horrible things that we have done to each other and for each other, I would always come to the same conclusion every time. That I would do it all and go through it all again if it meant being with you in the end. You're my forever too, Bobcat."
"Well then, what can I do to make you not worry that I am going to leave you? I don't want you to feel this way every time I walk out the door without you," she says, looking at me with pleading eyes. The desire for us to be okay written all over her face.
I move towards her, taking tentative steps in her direction. "This," I tell her as I reach her and wrap my arms around her. After a brief moment she moves her arms from around her own waist to wrap them around mine.
"Just keep doing what you are doing. I know that I am messed up right now, but I want us to get through this together. I know that it isn't fair for me to ask this because I know you have been through just as much, if not more, but I am going to need you more than ever for a while."
Her only response is to bring her lips up to mine. She licks along my bottom lip, pulling it in between her teeth, seeking entrance. I open my mouth and her tongue finds mine and a muffled moan escapes her lips at the contact. My fingers find the hem of her shirt and I lift it slightly, allowing my fingers to gently stroke against her soft skin, tracing a pattern across her stomach and down around to her back.
She breaks the kiss long enough to allow me to pull the shirt up and over her head. I throw the shirt, not caring where it lands as she is doing the same with mine. I pull her back to me, my lips finding hers as I marvel in the feeling of her chest pressed firmly against mine. My hands slide down her back, grabbing her thighs and wrapping her legs around me. I carry her towards our bedroom, kicking the door closed behind me as we make our way towards our bed.
We find comfort in each other, showing our love the best way that we know how. The one area we have never struggled with. Words aren't spoken and right now they don't really feel needed. What I need right now is to hold my beautiful naked wife in my arms, who seems to be glowing in post coital bliss.
She lays with her head on my chest, her fingers softly tickling the light brushing of hair on my stomach. My eyes are becoming heavy and I can feel her starting to drift as well.
I know that tomorrow is a new day, and it will more than likely be an interesting one, as we will now need to start learning what our new normal as husband and wife will be. We still have a lot that we need to deal with, but for now, I am content to sleep, knowing that I am right where I have always belonged.