Chapter 9 – Realization

I didn't want to wake her. I didn't want her to wake up and possibly want to destroy me, but mostly, I didn't want her eyes to open and for me to not see Bella looking back at me.

It wasn't until she began to stir that I was struck by that realization, which was then immediately followed by an onslaught of guilt.

I fucked up. I fucking went to bed with someone who wasn't Bella, and now I felt like absolute shit. The hangover notwithstanding, it had to be one of the lowest feelings of my life. The longer I dwelled on it, the worse I felt. Cheating on Bella was the last thing I ever wanted to do…but did I cheat? It was her body, but certainly not her mind. Then again, all of her alters existed within her mind, so in a way, wasn't it still Bella's mind too? It was all so fucking confusing, but I knew in my gut that I shouldn't have done it.

"Mmm," she hummed as consciousness disturbed her slumber. When her eyes peeked open and she looked into mine, butterflies threatened to break free from my chest, and it had nothing to do with fear or nervousness. I knew, without a doubt, she was my Bella, and I didn't care how or why she was back; I just wanted to hold her. She had really only been gone a day, but it had been the longest we had been apart since we first started seeing each other, and I could honestly say I missed her.

"Why are you staring at me?" she mumbled, almost incoherently.

I leaned in and kissed her forehead, before snuggling back into her.

"I'm not staring, I just want to lie with you for a bit longer," I murmured.

"Is it Sunday yet? We should just stay in bed all day," she said softly.

I considered lying about the day of the week, just to stretch out the moment, but for the first time in my life, I didn't want to lie – not to Bella.

"Unfortunately, it's only Friday," I informed her regretfully.

"Friday?" she asked confused while abruptly pulling away and sitting up. "No, I was only joking about thinking it was Sunday. I know it's Thursday. Yesterday was Wednesday, because I had a meeting with a distributor over the phone, so today is Thursday."

I opened my mouth to explain what happened, but then she noticed something and practically jumped out of bed, pulling off the sheets as she went so she had something to cover herself with.

"What's this?" she asked, holding up the leather red mini skirt Alice had been wearing the night before. It was the type of thing that Bella would never wear, and I couldn't help but vaguely wonder where Alice kept her clothes when she was locked in the theater.

"Uh…"

She was staring at me with so many mixed emotions, and I didn't know how to answer her. I refused to lie, but the truth sucked, and I was trying to consider a way to somehow soften the blow.

"You were, uh… You woke up yesterday morning, and you were…"

"I split," she understood, looking utterly devastated. "You know, for a short time I was actually starting to think I was controlling them. How long was I gone for? Just since yesterday?"

I nodded sympathetically.

"What did I do? Was it Rosalie? Was I rude to you?" she questioned in a rush, but then something occurred to her. "Wait…" She looked between us at our mutually undressed state, then back at the skirt in her hand, and then she met my eye questionably. She didn't have to voice it. I knew she knew I had slept with one of her alters, and now I needed to apologize profusely.

"Bella, I'm sorry," I said with the utmost of sincerity. "It's no excuse, but I was really drunk, and she was there, and I don't remember much."

She looked down at her sheet covered body. "What is this?" she asked while pointing to red drips of something she just noticed on her arms.

"Uh, I think it's candle wax… Bella, I am really…truly… sorry," I repeated. "I don't even know how to make it right, but if I could take it back, I swear to you, I would."

"Was she that bad?" Bella asked unexpectedly. "I mean, judging from the mess, I'd think you rather enjoyed yourself."

"I… I'm not lying when I tell you that I don't remember much. I was…upset, I guess, and I went to the bar, and she happened to show up, and it was… I don't know."

"Edward, I'm sorry," she said, taking me aback. I just admitted to sleeping with her alter, and there she was, apologizing to me? It really was fucked up.

"Why are you apologizing?" I asked perplexed. "You did nothing wrong. I'm just… I'm just a fucking idiot who put myself in a shitty situation, and I betrayed you…"

"How did you betray me?" she interrupted. "Even if we were exclusive, which we both vehemently agreed not to be, you were still with me… well, my body anyway. I'm just grateful that I woke up in your bed and not in some random stranger's that I would have to discreetly find my way out of and worry about STDs for the next six months. Thankfully, at least Alice has always used protection…as far as I could tell anyway," she said ashamedly.

She visibly trembled as she considered Alice's countless lovers. I knew how much she hated her alter-ego's encounters, but she was letting me off too easy, especially after I just realized something horrible…

"Bella, even if you didn't care that I was with someone else because we're not exclusive, or whatever, I still had sex with you while you were basically sleeping. Tanya mentioned that you're kept in a dark room when you're not in control? That's horrible, and I understand now that in being with Alice, I basically assaulted you," I told her, appalled and disgusted with myself, and so incredibly regretful. What kind of monster was I?

"Edward, please stop beating yourself up over this. It's fine. I'm fine. I promise. This entire situation is fucked up, which is why I don't date," she said before reaching for her clothes so she could dress herself.

Once she was fully clothed, and she collected all of hers and Alice's things, she looked at me and sighed. "We had fun, right? It was a good summer. I really appreciate all the time we've had together." She then crawled back on the bed to where I was still swimming through my guilt-ridden self-loathing, and she kissed my cheek. "You're going to be a great doctor someday. I don't have a doubt."

I said nothing as I watched her get off my bed and walk over to the door.

"I wish you well, Edward. I really do," she added sincerely.

Her parting smile tore my heart to pieces. We both knew I was leaving that weekend to go back to Seattle, and with it being Friday, she probably figured now was a good time for goodbye. It wasn't a good time. It was a fucking terrible time and it hurt like hell.

But I didn't stop her, and the only response I offered was, "Goodbye."

I was a fucking coward, and I knew that, but everything about Bella terrified me, and it had nothing to do with her disorder. I didn't want her to leave. I didn't want to leave her. Bella was certainly right when she said it was all just really fucked up.

I sat there like an idiot as she disappeared out of my room, and I didn't move until long after I heard her car rumble away. I had told her before that I would come visit her on the weekends after I moved back to Seattle, but she never seemed convinced, and she always spoke about our non-relationship relationship as being only temporary. When she walked out of my apartment that day, she was clearly intending to walk out of my life for good, and it hurt like hell. Emotions that we were never supposed to feel, that didn't ask permission before they crept in, did. I would have to deal with the acrid aftermath.

When I finally managed to drag my ass out of bed, I dressed and went about the day's pre-set schedule. It was my last day working at my father's hospital, but I usually got through the monotonous hours by knowing I would get to see Bella at lunch. I would count down the minutes and leave the second I was able to. That day, however, I had nothing to look forward to, so I worked through my lunch break.

Several times my father walked over to my station and told me that we needed to discuss Bella, but I just nodded and then shook my head as soon as he was gone. I wasn't discussing anything with him, and we both knew it.

My mother wanted me to spend my last evening in Forks having dinner with them, but I blew them off and decided to leave for Seattle that night. There was no sense in waiting when I sure as hell wasn't going to answer any of their questions, and I already knew how fucking disappointed they were with me. I hated myself enough for messing around with Bella, I really didn't need to hear them say it as well.

…

Despite our official goodbye, I did text Bella several times over the next week to see how she was doing, but she rarely responded, and when she did, they were one-word answers. She didn't want any further communication with me, and I had to respect that, despite how bad it fucking hurt. Then again, I felt like I truly deserved the pain after what I did to her, so I suppose it was justice, or karma, or just my bad fucking luck that I finally found a girl I couldn't get enough of and she didn't want me anymore. She was too good for me anyway, and I knew that, so I tried my best to let her go.

Being back in Seattle was exactly what I needed. I got right into my old routines and fell back in with my friends like no time had passed at all…except it all felt entirely different and I loathed every minute of it. School sucked, like always, but I soon realized hanging with my friends during my downtime was somehow actually worse…

I was out with a few of my buddies one evening, and like we had always done previously, they were shooting the shit and scoping out girls. There would have been a time that I would have more than participated, I would have led them all into successful one-night stands. Now, after Bella, I couldn't find any interest in any of it whatsoever.

When I didn't behave like they were expecting, they pushed harder, and eventually I had to tell them to "Fuck off!"

"Okay, okay, jeeze!" my buddy, Eric, finally relented. "What's up with you?"

"Nothing. This shit is just boring. I'm over it," I told them bitterly.

"You sure have changed since summer," Tyler commented. "I mean, not that that's a bad thing."

"Hell yes that's a bad thing!" Mike interjected. "He was always the one who caught all the ladies and had them bring their friends. What the hell are we supposed to do now?"

"Ah, he's just in a slump; he will perk back up soon enough. Right, buddy?" Eric said while draping his arm over my shoulder.

"I'm not so sure about that," I replied evenly while pushing off his arm. "I think I'm going to turn in," I told them before standing.

"No, you can't leave yet, I gotta tell my story first!" Mike insisted. He pulled me back down to my seat, and I grudgingly sat there to hear whatever pathetic tale he had to tell. "So, it was my second day interning at the psyche-ward, and this guy, we'll call him Harry, he just started talking to himself."

"Schizophrenia?" Tyler assumed.

Mike shrugged. "I don't know, some shit like that. Anyway, I was bored so I decided to sit with him and start talking to his mental voices like I could actually hear them too," he laughed. "I even started moving all his shit around the room when he wasn't looking and blamed it on one of his voices. He was tripping so bad," he added through his hysterics.

"That's really fucked up," I said, disgusted.

"What? Fuck off. Are you being serious right now?" Mike asked me unsure.

"Yeah, I'm being fucking serious," I told him. "That's fucked up. Where the hell do you get off messing with people like that?"

"Excuse me if I was trying to make my day a little less boring," he replied full of attitude. "If I didn't mess around, I'd likely go insane and become a patient there myself."

"Maybe if you actually tried to understand mental disorders you would realize it's wrong to mess around with them like that," I retorted. "They're real people, not brainless nothings there to entertain you! But you don't give a shit, do you? You're only in medicine because your dad made you."

"And why are you here again, Cullen?" he countered. "You and me are exactly the same, so get off your fucking high horse and shut the hell up!"

His words were like a swift punch to my gut and a douse of ice-cold water to my face. He was absolutely right – we were the same. Both hated med-school and only got in because our parents bought our way. We were both spoiled jackasses that didn't appreciate the opportunities given to us. And we both engaged with mentally unstable people for no other reason than boredom. It was pathetic and ridiculous, and neither of us should ever be doctors.

As much as I had always hated med-school, I never even considered the possibility of a different path for myself. It was all I was ever allowed to dream of for as long as I could remember. When I'd fuck up, my parents would dig me out and put me right back on that road to medicine. Perhaps that was why I fucked up so often – deep down I was always hoping to reach that ever-furthering point where my parents would give up and leave me the hell alone. It hadn't happened yet, and I was starting to realize it never would, but after listening to Mike's story, I knew I was finally ready to chart a new course.

I refused to be like Mike for a moment longer; it was time to stand up on my own two feet and own up to my feelings. What had started out as a shitty means to ease boredom, spending time with Bella had turned into so much more and changed me irrevocably. I missed her something fierce, and even though I knew I didn't deserve her, I needed to go back and tell her how I felt.

That was my last day in med-school, and my last night in Seattle…