Chapter 10 – Something Different
After formally dropping out of medical school, I packed up my things and headed straight to Forks. As I was driving, I was suddenly struck by my new reality – for the first time in my life, I had absolutely nothing planned. No school, no future career, no long-term goals, no direction whatsoever. I didn't even think I would have a place to stay after my parents learned what I did. It was a level of liberation that I never knew I needed until that moment.
It was fucking incredible.
Even if Bella never accepted my apology and maintained that she didn't have deeper feelings for me, I had such a strong urge to tell her how amazing it felt to finally be free. She was the best friend I ever had, and I wanted her to know that it was her strength and perseverance that inspired me to take that leap, and I would be forever grateful… homeless, but still grateful.
By the time I finally made it to Forks, it was after the bookstore closing time, but I took a chance and went straight there regardless. I needed to see Bella. It was like I had put all my emotions on the backburner, but now that I was allowing myself to feel, perhaps for the first time ever, I was about to boil over and I couldn't wait any longer.
Luckily, Bella's car was still in the lot, so I parked and raced for the building. I didn't take a moment to stop and consider the fact that Bella may be currently someone else, but when I went inside and practically rammed right into her as she was on her way out, I could think of nothing except for how grateful I was to be home.
I didn't need her verbal confirmation to know Bella was Bella; there was a look in her eye that was distinctively her and I was able to recognize it immediately. However, that look – that unique Bella look – was also currently unreadable.
"I… uh…" I was at a loss for words under her intense stare, which felt like it was penetrating straight through me.
Why was I so freaking horrible at expressing myself? I suppose the idea of feelings and emotions were still foreign to me, but I needed to rectify that if I even had a shadow of a chance with Bella.
With my mind clouded with insecurities, I grabbed the closest book I could reach from where I was standing, and I held it out for her.
"Sorry, I-uh, just needed to buy this really quick," I mumbled like the idiot I was trying hard not to be. Then again, that ice-breaking tactic had worked twice before with her, so it might just work once more.
She hesitantly took the book from my hand and looked at it. "Sex Yourself; The Woman's Guide to Mastering and Achieving Powerful Orgasms." Her amused brow lifted towards me challengingly, and I knew that she was at least receptive of my presence.
I shrugged but couldn't keep the smile off my lips. "The best way to learn how to please a woman is by a woman's firsthand account," I said, just furthering my plunge into dipshit-ness.
She smiled, but she quickly fought it off. "I'm sorry, but we're closed. You'll have to come back during regular business hours," she said as seriously as possible while placing the book back where I got it.
"Fair enough," I agreed. "That's a bit heavier reading than I had planned for tonight anyway."
"What are you doing here, Edward?" she then asked, becoming alarmingly serious. She wasn't happy to see me, which I had prepared for, but being faced with that reality was so much more difficult than I predicted. Still, I cared enough about her to respect her feelings. I wouldn't push myself on her if she truly didn't want me there, but I couldn't leave until I was completely honest.
"I love you," I blurted out, surprising both of us. "That's-uh, only part of the reason why I came. I needed you to know that I dropped out of med-school because you made me want more, and I don't know what I'm going to do because I'm sure my parents will kill me and not let me stay with them when they find out, but I honestly don't care," I said in a rush.
The moment the words were out, I honestly felt so much lighter. Voicing my thoughts and feelings was not something I ever really did before, but it was amazing, and regardless of the outcome, I knew I'd never regret it.
Bella considered what I just told her, but only for a moment. "You quit school and are possibly homeless, and you're saying you made that huge rash decision because of me?" she questioned slowly.
"Yes… Wait, no, that's not what I mean. I didn't do it because of you, but you did inspire me. You inspired me to want to look deeper within myself and know that what I was doing wasn't right. I didn't like who I was as a person before I met you, and after…all I did was miss you and want to come back. I hate medicine, and I hate being away from you too because I love you more than I've ever loved anyone or anything before."
Her featured never shifted from my confession, but her eyes showed her emotions – her sadness.
"Edward, you promised not to fall in love with me," she murmured.
I sighed. "I know, and I know from your lack of response to all my texts that you might not feel the same way, and I never want you to feel any guilt about that. I just… I had to tell you."
"I didn't respond to your texts because I thought you would get over it and move on once you settled in with your friends and everything in Seattle. A clean break is always best for me, but… you came back," she said quietly. "Nobody has ever come back before," she added with her stoic mask breaking just enough to let a tear escape down her cheek.
Her pain was devastating, and I wanted nothing more than to hold her, but when I moved closer, she put up her hand to stop me. She took a moment to compose herself, and then she steeled her features once again. "But people don't come back for a reason, Edward."
"I know," I told her gently, knowing exactly where she was going with it. "I know it can't possibly be easy, but that's okay. Being with you is worth all the issues that come along with your disorder."
She inhaled deeply, before asking, "Will you come with me somewhere?"
"Of course," I replied automatically.
She insisted that I follow behind her in my own car, but she wouldn't say to where. We drove across town, and then finally pulled into one of the shittiest apartment complexes in the area, and parked.
"Are you showing me a potential place for me to rent?" I asked, slightly amused and overly confused as we stepped out of our respective cars. "I mean, this place looks affordable on a fast food salary and all, but I'm not so sure I could live here."
"No, this isn't for you. Will you please just come with me; there is something I need you to see in order for you to truly understand why we could never be together."
Her words were like a sharp dagger to my chest, but I followed her regardless; if anything, I wanted the chance to explain to her why she was wrong. I said I wouldn't push myself on her, but if she had some obscure reason for us staying apart besides her lack of feelings for me, then I'd have to counter. I honestly felt like of we both truly cared for each other, there wasn't anything we couldn't overcome.
We didn't speak as we walked through the halls of doors, until she finally stopped in front of one in particular.
"I woke up in this apartment last week," she said unexpectedly. "I didn't know where I was, but that wasn't unusual for me. It wasn't until I realized I was alone that I started looking around and discovered something…"
She took a key from her keyring and unlocked the door. Inside was a regular small crappy apartment; nothing peculiar or out of the ordinary, except…
"Is that?" I asked as I noticed a small framed picture on the coffee table. "Wow."
"Yep, wow," Bella agreed, but seemed to assume I was referring to the entire apartment, rather than the photo of what looked like her romantically embracing another woman. I was going to clarify, but I realized the apartment itself was the bigger issue.
"So… this is…" I was, once again, at a loss. Even though it was clear that the place belonged to Rosalie, I couldn't quite grasp how she was able to pull it off.
"Edward, I knew nothing about this," Bella told me while gesturing to our surroundings. "But it appears as though my alters have had it for a while now."
"Alters? As in all of them share this place; not just Rosalie?" I asked surprised.
"I guess…well, I'm not sure if the kids come here since they don't drive and can't take care of themselves."
"How did they accomplish this?" I asked her, still in shock by the entire thing.
"I found the payments for the rent when I was going through all my business expenses," she explained. "I had a hunch that they'd been taking money directly from the store, and I was right. They were disguising the automatic payments as some type of insurance. After that I contacted the management and asked for a copy of the rental agreement. The guy didn't even ask me for ID before handing it over to me. The contract says there are two occupants: Alice and Rosalie Hale."
"Your alters have last names?" I asked.
"Apparently, made up ones. The worst part is the date on the contract; they've had this place for over two years."
"Shit," I said dumbfounded. "How did they get away with this for so long?"
"I don't know. I found their fake IDs in one of the drawers, and when I was walking down the hall after that first morning here, one of the neighbors asked me which of the twins I was and how funny it was that she never saw 'us' together. So, I guess they've been posing as twins, which I suppose helps them get away with being so different with different names and having different hookups come and go. It's all so…" She shook her head as her words trailed off.
"Do they know you know?" I asked quietly. She was radiating so much tension and stress that even my soft voice sounded like I was screaming in my own head.
"I don't know. I don't know what they know, but over the last week, I've been spending some time here myself. I was diagnosed with this disorder when I was a teenager, so I've never lived on my own. I didn't trust myself to be away from my dad, but it seems my alters had other ideas. In all honesty, since experiencing a little taste of actually living like an adult away from my dad, I can't say I blame them."
"Yeah, even when parents are cool, it's still sucks to be an adult living with them for an extended period of time," I agreed.
"I love my dad, but I think it's time for me to become a little more independent… of course, stumbling onto this place like this isn't exactly reassuring. How could I have not known about this for so long? What else about them don't I know?"
"So, your dad never told you that you just wouldn't come home sometimes?" I questioned, trying to get a better understanding of the situation.
"He works a lot of night shifts, and even when he's home, we both know Alice's…habits. He also knows Rosalie doesn't want anything to do with him, so when she's out, he figures she finds other places to be. He used to question her on it, but she refused to talk to him. I'm an adult now, so short of deeming me incompetent, there isn't anything he can do about it."
"But why hasn't he deemed you incompetent?" I asked carefully. "I mean, I'm not saying you should be, but I'm just curious as to his reasons for not attempting that. I think if I were in his position that might be something I'd have to consider."
"We have discussed it in the past. When I turned eighteen, we spoke to a few doctors about what would be best, but it was my dad who was the most against it. If I was never allowed legal control over myself, I would lose a chance at my half-life that I do have," she pointed out. "I'd lose my business, and any hint of self-sustainment that is so important to me. For the most part my alters cooperate with me, in the sense that they haven't ruined my store, and right now, that store is all I have… it's probably all I'll ever have."
"You can have me," I reaffirmed gently but with conviction. Nothing about the situation had detoured me; I knew it wouldn't be easy, but Bella was certainly worth fighting for.
"Edward," she murmured while shaking her head no.
"Tell me you don't love me, and I'll walk away," I challenged her.
She stared me down, and the weight of the moment was palpable. I could see her intent to lie, but just as I couldn't lie to her, I knew she couldn't lie to me, regardless of how much she thought she needed to. When she accepted the fact that she wasn't going to be able to force out a fabrication, she looked away and tried to further convince me of her point.
"It would never work," she said, steadfast. "I can't live my life knowing I'm hurting you."
I wanted to tell her again that it was worth it to me for the chance to be with her, but then something made me refocus on that framed picture and I thought of something.
"If one of your alters can maintain a romantic relationship, an alter who is in control far less often than you are, why can't you have the same benefit?"
She scrunched her face in confusion. "What are you talking about?"
I picked up the picture to emphasize my meaning – the picture of her, who was assumingly Rosalie at the time, romantically embracing a dark-haired woman.
"If your alter can figure out how to have a real relationship, so can you," I told her doubtlessly.
"No, this…" She took the picture from me and analyzed it as if she was looking at it with new eyes. "This is just someone Rosalie met…somewhere, right?"
Did she really not know? How could Rosalie keep such a huge secret from Bella? Then again, we were standing in a secret apartment, so I suppose I shouldn't put anything past her.
"Seems pretty important to have the picture framed," I pointed out. "It's even the only picture in this entire apartment as far as I can see."
"Yeah, but why would you say this is a romantic relationship? That's an odd assumption. Just because she is embracing someone, a woman none the less… I mean, I'm not a lesbian, and Alice certainly isn't, so…"
"Tanya told me that Rosalie has a girlfriend," I tried convincing her gently.
"A friend that's a girl, I'm sure. Hell, I'm surprised she has any friends at all, my dad said she is horrible."
"Tanya told me they have been intimate," I said hesitantly.
Bella squeezed her eyes shut as she let my words sink in. When she opened them again, her resolve was even more firm. "I don't know how that could be possible, but it just further proves my point. I have no idea what any of them are doing at any given time. They have secret apartments, and apparently secret…relationships. I don't know Rosalie's arrangement with this woman; all I know is that I could never ask you to be with me knowing I can't be faithful to you."
"But they aren't you," I told her. "What they do has nothing to do with us. I love you, not them."
"But they are me," she argued emotionally. "We share a body. Say we do try to make a real go at a relationship; what if we eventually want something more? Are you going to marry me knowing my body will never fully be yours? What about kids? I certainly can't fathom being pregnant knowing my body wasn't always being cared for the way I'd want it to be, and you would never be sure it was your child either because of Alice's promiscuity. I'm on birth control now, but if I were to go off…. I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but that's the reality of my situation. You say you love me, and I want you to know how much that means to me because I never even had the audacity to dream of anyone ever loving me. I love you too, which is why we need to let this be over now while it's still this beautiful thing, otherwise I'm going to ruin it, and I don't want to look back on this and have to carry that guilt with me for the rest of my life."
"How is regret any better than guilt?" I countered. "Relationships crumble all the time for all different reasons. Maybe you're right, maybe we become stagnant and want more. We deal with that then. If it's not something we can work out, then it is what it is, and we go our separate ways. But what we won't do is regret the good times we were able to have together."
She sighed as she considered what I was saying. "Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."
"Exactly!" I confirmed, hopeful she was finally understanding where I was coming from.
She shook head. "If that's true, then we've already done that. I've already had more with you this past summer than I ever thought I'd get. Hell, even Alice must really like you to have slept with you twice; I don't think she has ever done that with anyone else before. But summer is over, and emotions are becoming more intense, and…"
"What?" I asked when her words trailed off.
She bit her bottom lip and appeared to be contemplating something in her mind.
"What is it?" I pressed, knowing she wasn't sure if she wanted to voice her idea or not. "Bella, whatever it is…"
"Alice likes you," she said quietly, almost sheepishly.
"I'm not so sure about that," I disagreed. "She only likes me drunk, so it would seem."
"No, she likes you, otherwise she would have never slept with you for a second time," she reiterated.
"But we didn't really get along while sober," I said ashamedly. I still felt like shit for sleeping with Alice at all – but it seemed Bella just may feel the exact opposite.
"It doesn't matter that you didn't get along with her, all that Alice seems to care about is sex. If she would be willing to… If you could perhaps keep her interested in you… maybe I wouldn't have to worry about waking up in strangers' beds anymore."
"You want me to… like… seduce Alice?" I questioned, unsure if I was understanding her correctly.
"Is that wrong of me to ask?" she wondered out-loud. "It is, isn't it? God, I'm such an idiot!"
"You're not an idiot," I assured her. "I just… I mean, I think I get where you're coming from, but I just… I think I'd feel like I was cheating on you. That's the way it felt last time."
"Because you keep thinking of us as two different people, and we are, in a sense, but we are also the same. I know it's all fucked up, but I'd honestly rather have you sleeping with her when I'm not in control, than her using my body to sleep with anyone else. I can't control Alice's urges, but… maybe you can. If she was happy enough with you, it could allow us to be together too."
I was quiet as I tried to imagine it. The feeling I had after sleeping with Alice really sucked, but what if Bella was right? What if finding a way to win over Alice was the only way to be with Bella?
"What about Rosalie?" I asked, still not sure about anything.
Bella raised her shoulder hopelessly. "I don't know; I can only hope she will eventually realize you're not her enemy and give up on hating you. At least if she is into women, I don't have to worry about getting pregnant from one of her trysts the way I do with Alice."
"That's true," I agreed gently. I did have a buddy whose girlfriend was bisexual. He didn't mind her sleeping with women, as long as she didn't sleep with other men. I guess our situation was at least better than that – that is, if I did as Bella was asking and won over Alice into an exclusive relationship with me.
"Edward, this is all just crazy," Bella said, second guessing herself. "How can I say I love you if I ask you to do any of this? It's too much. It would be too much for anyone."
"I'm not just anyone, and it's not too much. Look, I can't promise my feelings won't ever change, just as you can't, but we can certainly give it a try and see how it works. Do you really want to have to wonder what it would have been like of we just tried? Because it could fizzle and burn, but it could also be amazing. We could be amazing. You and me. We just need to try."
Bella stepped forward and reached up to caress my face. "I'm scared," she admitted. "I'm terrified, actually. I don't want to allow myself to hope and then lose it. It's too big of a risk."
I placed my hand over hers on my cheek. "Everything worth doing in life is risky," I said, no louder than a whisper. "But love is worth taking that risk – it's worth risking everything for. I never believed that before, but I do now. I've never wanted anything more and I'm willing to fight through whatever inevitable hardships lie ahead of us."
"It's not fair to you," she maintained, but the resolve in her voice was definitely faltering.
I smiled. "Do you honestly think your issues are going to be our only issues in this relationship? I'm currently homeless and unemployed."
She smiled back. "I see, it all makes sense now. I should have known the only way anyone would want to be with an insane woman like me was if he was desperate for a suga-mama."
I chuckled. "I doubt you're old enough to qualify as a sugar-mama. Besides, I fully plan to work as soon as possible, and until then, my car is fairly comfortable."
"You really think your parents wouldn't let you stay with them?" she asked curiously.
I shook my head no. "You don't know my dad. But it's fine; this complex isn't as crappy as it looks from the outside. I'm sure I can afford an apartment here fairly quickly."
"Or we can just stay here together," Bella suggested, probably before really thinking it through. She hadn't even agreed to be with me just yet, but her offer certainly gave me hope.
My smile stretched across my face. "I don't know, your roommates…or body-mates in your case, would probably rather set this place on fire before letting me stay here with you."
"Unless you can convince them otherwise," she requested one more time.
As unsure as I was about perusing Alice, suddenly I knew that was exactly what I had to do – but it wasn't just Alice. If I truly wanted to be with Bella, I'd have to earn the approval of all of them. Loving Bella was easy, but winning over Rosalie, Tanya, Bree, and Alice would be the challenge of my life.
Having a relationship with someone with DID could never be "normal". Bella and I both had to let go of the idea of a conventional relationship and learn to pave a new course to something different –something we didn't yet know or understand, but something beautiful in it's own way. I wasn't sure how that journey would look, but I knew I was going to put everything I had into it, and that was all anyone could ever do…