Chapter 21 – Branching Out
Bella emerged from Rosalie's bedroom that morning looking frazzled and bewildered. I hated that look on her – the few moments of panic and worry that plagued her features every time she came back from an extended period of mental isolation. Panic and worry that her world may have drastically changed while she was helplessly unconscious. That look absolutely killed me, but then, as if by some miracle, her eyes connected with mine and the relief and love radiating out of them, just from seeing my ugly mug, made me feel like everything in the entire universe was right again. I'd never understand what I did to deserve such an amazing look from her like that, but I knew I'd never take it for granted.
"Hey baby," I cooed at her.
She was happy to see me, but that happiness was marred by her overwhelming guilt. When she walked into my waiting arms, she did it with so much heaviness that I couldn't help but be concerned that the emotional toll of it all was wearing on her too much.
"Everything is okay," I murmured against her hair as I rubbed her back tenderly.
"No, it's really not," she mumbled back. "This can't keep happening. Maybe…"
"Maybe what?" I prompted when she let her words trail off.
"Maybe we should just end this now. It's inevitable anyway."
"Don't say that," I disagreed wholeheartedly. "It's not inevitable at all."
"I hate putting you through this, and it's only getting worse. One of these days I know I'm going to wake up, and you'll tell me that one of them has gone too far and you've had enough. And I wouldn't blame you for leaving. This isn't fair to you. How can I claim to love you, but be so stupidly selfish to ask you to keep putting up with it all?"
"Babe, stop. Nothing has changed… at least nothing has changed between us. I'm still here, just like I'll always be. Everything with your alters was fine. Rosalie was pretty good actually, Bree didn't start anymore fires, and Alice is still being happily monogamous. And now you're back; just like all the times before," I tried reassuring her.
"What do mean, at least nothing has changed with us? Has something else changed?" she questioned.
"There is–uh, something I need to discuss with you. But first and most importantly, I have to apologize again, for the way my mother treated you," I told her with the utmost of sincerity. That horrible lunch seemed like so long ago to me, but I knew it was fresh in Bella's mind since she hadn't been in control since then, so I needed to reaffirm just how sorry I was. "Had I known she was going to do that, I would have never brought you there."
"But maybe she's wasn't wrong," Bella said unexpectedly. "I probably should try to see a doctor again. Hell, I should be locked up in a psych-ward instead of roaming free and dating her son."
"She most certainly was wrong," I argued. "She doesn't know you. She had absolutely no right to do that. Even if she was possibly right about you needing a doctor again, there couldn't have been a more wrong way of going about it. I just can't tell you how sorry I am for that."
She nodded her acceptance. "Okay, so now tell me what's changed," she said anxiously.
"Rosalie and I hired someone to help out at the store," I said bluntly.
She raised her brows in shock. "Um… I love you and appreciate it, but if I wanted to hire someone, I would have done it a long time ago myself."
"I know, and I get why you never did, but this is different. She knows all about your disorder, and she is more than okay with it. She has a flexible schedule and can work as much or as little as you need her to."
"How does this person know about me? I really don't like people to know. This is a small town, and if word spreads about my issues, it could be damaging for business. No one will want to come into the insane lady's bookstore."
"Kate is not like that. She isn't a gossiper and isn't from around here anyway."
"How do you know her?"
"Her husband, Garrett, works at the hospital. They're both really cool people. Rosalie and I went out with them the other night. They're a lot of fun and kind, genuine people. They have a little girl named Irina; her and Bree hit it off right away."
"Their daughter hit it off with Bree?" she asked horrified. "That's… Oh god, how embarrassing."
"It's not embarrassing. They understand. Irina and Bree were cute together," I tried convincing her.
"Cute? You're saying an adult woman thinking she is a child was cute as she acted wacko with a little girl? Edward, nothing about that is cute. How would you feel knowing strangers witnessed you making a fool of yourself in that way? Would you then feel comfortable working closely with them at your business that means the world to you?"
"I guess I could see your point," I admitted after considering it from her perspective. "But really, there is no reason for you to feel uncomfortable around them. Kate is not judgmental whatsoever. They really are good people, and I know if you just give them a chance, you'll feel that way too."
"So, we have new friends, and I have a new employee at work. Anything else change since I've been gone?" she questioned warily.
As if on cue, Jasper emerged from wherever he had been lounging to rub against Bella's leg.
"We got a cat," I stated the obvious.
"Great," Bella responded evenly.
Bella was struggling with the very idea of Kate, but as Rose predicted, she was too nice to fire her without giving her a chance. I honestly thought she would take to her just as quickly as Rose, Bree, and Alice did, however Bella's unease about the arrangement continued long after their initial meeting.
"How was work today?" I asked her after her third day back.
"Fine," she replied vaguely.
Every time I tried asking her about Kate, she'd just say it was fine, and she was nice, but nothing more. When I suggested for us to go out socially with Kate and Garrett the way Rose and I had, Bella agreed, but she obviously wasn't thrilled about it. Even still, I decided to push her just a little, hoping it would help break the ice.
The four of us decided to hang out at a local bar where they had pool tables and dart boards. It was a dive, but in such a small town there weren't many options.
"I'm glad you guys could come out with us tonight," Garrett said as he and I brought the girls their drinks. "I know this place isn't much, but we enjoy our time here."
"You guys come here often?" I asked him curiously.
"Anytime we can find a sitter for a couple hours," Kate answered. "Going all the way to Port Angeles takes too long, so we reserve those trips for when his parents can watch Irina overnight."
"Makes sense," I told them. "I can't wait for you to meet their daughter," I then said to Bella. "Smartest seven-year-old I've ever met."
"She is definitely a pistol," Kate agreed. "It's rather difficult having a child that's more intelligent than you. She is always keeping me on my toes."
"Oh… that's good though," Bella said awkwardly, and then she returned her attention to the buffalo wing in front of her.
The entire time we were there, Bella seemed uncomfortable; she was just distant and unenthusiastic about everything. When she excused herself to the bathroom, I used her momentary absence to ask Kate if there was anything going on at the bookstore that was perhaps drawing all of Bella's thoughts and energy. Unfortunately, she wasn't aware of anything out of the ordinary and stated that was basically how Bella had been acting around her all week. She just figured Bella had a shy and quiet personality.
While Bella wasn't as outgoing and bubbly as Alice, she had certainly been acting strange lately, and it was starting to really worry me. I planned to question her about it that evening at home, however when she returned from the bathroom, she returned as Alice.
"Good thing I'm here because this has been a snooze-fest," she announced as she grabbed a cue.
Kate immediately took to Alice, and the two of them began jabbering like old friends. It was definitely bittersweet. The last thing I wanted to do was drive Bella away, but she had been so despondent for the entire week she had been back, that it wasn't a shock that she was already gone. In fact, I half expected it and was ashamedly relieved to have Alice there. Whatever was going on with Bella, she must have needed time to come to terms with it, because she clearly wasn't ready to talk just yet.
Alice was excited to be reunited with Jasper that evening after we parted ways with Kate and Garrett, and of course, she showed me just how happy she was to be back with me as well.
The sex was amazing, as always, but that was the first time I felt legitimately ashamed for enjoying Alice in that way. I should have been more upset about Bella slipping away again so soon. I should have never felt even a twinge of relief from having her gone… but I did, and it fucking sucked.
"Alice, do you know what's been going on with Bella this past week?" I asked her when she finally let us get redressed so she could spend some time with Jasper. "Is it really about Kate? If so, I'll just talk to her and let her know it's not working. Kate is super understanding, I'm sure she will be okay with it."
"No, it's not Kate. Well, it is, but it isn't," Alice replied distractedly as she continued to play with the cat. "Oh come on, Jazz, you can do better than that," she told him when he couldn't reach the ribbon she was dangling in front of him.
"Alice, can you talk to me please?" I asked, getting frustrated by her diverted attention. "I just want to figure out how to make it easier on Bella when she comes back."
"Bella will be fine. She just doesn't handle change very well, but it's good for her. She will probably be back to her usual self by the time she returns."
"God, I hope so," I mumbled to myself.
As guilty as I felt for being happy about Alice's takeover, I decided to push that feeling aside and just enjoy my time with her because I knew it wouldn't last long. Alice was with me for two days, and then I was beyond surprised by who emerged next.
"Tanya?" I said gently. The trepidation in her eyes gave her away, but she was still a virtual stranger to me. I really wanted to get to know her better, and to make both of us as comfortable as possible so she would always feel free to come out and enjoy her limited allotted time.
"Rosalie said I needed to come take my turn," she said timidly.
"Well, I'm glad you did. Look, if you're uncomfortable at all, or just need some time to yourself, you can always go into Rose's room. She has a TV in there and a ton of books. Whatever you'd like."
"Rosalie also said I should probably apologize to you for my behavior last time," she said quietly.
"She did?"
"Yeah, she said I acted like a lustful hormonal teenage boy with my first girlfriend… I'm not exactly sure what she meant by that since we're a girl and you're the boy," she told me, only confusing herself.
"Uh, I'm not sure either, but I would like to talk to you about it. When I pushed you away, it wasn't because I didn't like you."
"It wasn't?"
"No, not at all. I know you know a lot about me by watching my interactions with the others, but I still feel like we don't know each other very well. I just think it would be best if we take all the physical stuff a little slower."
"But you had sex with Alice on the day you met her," she countered curiously.
"Yeah," I admitted. "Um, that was probably not the best thing for us to do, but adults sometimes make that choice."
"I'm an adult too. I'm the same age as Alice," she argued.
"Right, but you have a different maturity age. Tanya, regardless of how old your body is, you're only seventeen mentally, and because of that, I think it would be best to take things slowly. It's actually best to take things a little slower at any age. I regret sleeping with Alice that first time. Shallow one-night stands are fine for some people, but I've since realized they're not for me."
She nodded in apparent understanding. "So, if we aren't going to have sex right now, what do we do?"
"I don't know. It's been a while since you've been out last; anything you've been wanting to do?"
"Well, there is one thing. When you and Bella went to the beach a while back… I thought that was really cool. I've never actually been to the beach before. It's something I've always wanted to experience for myself."
"Okay, let's go to the beach," I agreed with a smile.
"But I don't want to jump off a cliff like you did with Alice," she added quickly.
"Certainly not. How about I pack a picnic and we can just go hang out for a bit. It's pretty cold out though, so dress in layers."
Her lips spread wide. "Okay. We're really going?"
"Of course. Go get changed."
After packing some food, I drove Tanya out to the closest beach, and I was immediately taken aback by her reaction.
She was absolutely awestruck.
"I've seen the ocean through the others' eyes, and on TV and stuff, but this…"
"Yeah, I guess it is pretty incredible," I told her, but "incredible" didn't even begin to cover it. Seeing the ocean through her eyes, one who was really seeing it for the first time, was mind-blowing. The ocean was always beautiful, but I suppose I had taken it for granted or never really understood the true majestic magnitude of it before.
"It makes me feel small and big at the same time," Tanya told me.
"Yeah, it really does."
We stayed on that beach for hours. Sometimes we would dig in the sand, and we ate a bit, but mostly Tanya just kept staring into the waves and up to the horizon. We didn't speak much, but that day I felt like I was truly beginning to understand who she was. She wasn't just some dumb shallow teenager; she was certainly ignorant and naïve, but not dumb, and much deeper than any of the others gave her credit for. The depth of Tanya's identity went beyond the ocean and stretched up to the darkening sky. Her curiosity and thirst for knowledge was strong as she began asking me questions about life itself and the universe beyond the heavens.
When the colors of twilight faded to black, we were blessed with an uncommonly clear sky for Washington, and Tanya just drank in every moment of it.
"The sky is even bigger than the ocean," she said in awe as I pointed out various constellations. "Just think, every star could have it's own system of planets orbiting it."
"Oh look, there is a shooting star!" I said excitedly.
"That's not a star. It's actually just a meteor burning up in Earth's atmosphere," she said, amazing me even more.
"Wow, I'm really impressed that you know so much, Tanya," I said sincerely.
"Why? Because I'm usually so stupid?" she said, offended by my comment.
"You're not stupid. I never thought you were; you're just…"
"Sheltered."
"I was going to say inexperienced, but sheltered works too. It's not your fault. It just is what it is. Maybe now that you're getting more comfortable being in control, you can begin to branch out a little more."
"Well, usually I spend what little time I have out just reading in the bookstore. I've always loved the nature and space books the most…. But I would like to branch out and learn more about the real world. Will you help me?"
"Of course," I said wholeheartedly.
She smiled, and then leaned into me to rest against my chest. "Is this okay?" she asked me bashfully.
I hugged her closer and rubbed her back tenderly. "It's perfect."
When we finally decided to head home, Tanya asked if she could hold my hand, and of course I agreed. When we made it back to the apartment, she surprised me by saying – "I won't be here tomorrow."
"How do you know?" I questioned. None of them had announced their impending departure before, and I wasn't even sure if they ever quite knew when their time was up, but Tanya certainly did that night.
"I just know. I can feel my time slipping away, which is why I wanted to make sure you knew just how much I appreciated tonight. I was really nervous to see you again, so thank you. You really made me feel good and special."
"Well, you are special," I told her honestly. "Don't ever let anyone convince you otherwise. And Tanya, if I ever make you uncomfortable or hurt your feelings again, please don't run away. Just talk to me and I'm sure we can work it out."
She smiled and nodded. "I will. Goodbye, Edward."
"Goodbye sounds so final. Let's just say see you later."
"I like that. See you later, Edward."
"See you later, Tanya," I replied, and then she leaned in and kissed my cheek, before racing off to Rosalie's bedroom.
It had been a really good time with Tanya, and I was legitimately sad it had come to an end so quickly.
When Bree emerged from the room the following morning, the first thing she did was beg for Irina to come over. How could I say no to that face?
Popcorn and candy was everywhere, and if I never had to listen to another Disney song it would be too soon, but the girls had an awesome time and I was glad I could make that that happen for Bree.
I knew Rosalie would come out next, and I wasn't wrong. She mostly kept her distance, but she got a ton of shit done at the bookstore, and even managed to do all of the laundry that Bree and Alice had left lying around.
We ate dinner together, and occasionally watched TV beside one another in the living room after work, but we kept conversations to a minimum, which seemed to work best for us.
When Bella returned a few days later, she seemed refreshed and happy again; I even caught her giggling at her phone.
"What's so funny?" I asked her.
"Kate. We had a colorful customer today and we were just joking about it," she explained.
"Colorful?"
"Quite literally," she told me. "This woman had rainbow hair and every single article of her clothing was in different colors."
"Oh. Well that's unique for this area."
"I'm not one to judge, but when she opened her mouth to speak, and all of her teeth were different colors too, my mouth disconnected from my brain and I asked if she had been eating Skittles. Kate busted out laughing and we have both been laughing ever since. Now she keeps sending me rainbow and Skittles memes," Bella explained with a laugh that had her tearing up.
I couldn't help but laugh with her; it was such a nice change to see Bella relaxed enough to even smile at all.
Things got back to normal after that, or at least, as normal as it could be when loving someone with DID. Bella started talking more again, and she even let her playful side out at times. But despite putting on a good show of everything being okay, I could see in her eyes that she still carried a heavy burden that didn't used to be there before my mother's despicable ambush. She had always been a little hesitant when it came to most things, which was understandable given her condition, but this was something else, something much deeper that honestly worried me.
"Are you sure everything is okay?" I kept asking her, knowing she'd lie and say "Yes," but I had to keep asking anyway.
A part of me couldn't help but wonder if her heart just wasn't into our relationship anymore. Like, perhaps she was only with me because she feared no one else would ever accept her and she didn't want to be alone. Or maybe she even felt too guilty about all the stuff I had to deal with for her to ever just let me go, despite wishing she could. Those thoughts often crept in my mind late at night when she would turn her back to me in bed and cling to a pillow, the same way she used to cling to me.
However, other times, Bella seemed so genuinely happy and in love with me that I forgot all about my paranoid concerns. It seemed like a never ending cycle. Not only was Bella entering into a steady and constant rotation with her alters, but her own moods often fluctuated so much that I wondered if she was creating a new alter for herself, which only made me feel even more like shit by thinking I was the cause of her turbulent emotions. It was enough to drive anyone insane, and I often felt like that was exactly the direction I was heading.
But I refused to give up. My parents would have called my devotion to Bella an obsession, and perhaps they were right. I did have an arguably unhealthy constant mental focus on Bella; one that started before I even met her after my first hookup with Alice, who was just a stranger at the time. She had consumed my thoughts since the moment I first touched her, and it continued to this day. It was an obsession, but I was convinced that obsession was derived from knowing exactly where I belonged and loving someone more deeply than I had ever loved anyone before.
I was determined to make it work. Bella and I would figure out how to make our lives together last and stay strong and happy. We could do it, as long as Bella didn't give up on us.
...
As crazy as it sounded, the constant rotation of Bella with her alters made everything so much easier. It had become a routine of sorts, and I could begin to predict when Bella would leave and who would show up in her place. It gave us a strange sense of normalcy, and a schedule we could make plans for.
In a way, being with someone who had DID, gave me multiple personalities as well. With Alice, I discovered a wild and adventurous side of myself that I never even knew was there before. With Bree, I was a babysitter and almost like a parent or a big brother, which gave me a greater sense of responsibility. Being with Rosalie made me sort of bitter and argumentative, and I found myself drinking more beer than I did any other time. Tanya brought me back to my teen years, and when I was with her, I truly felt like I did when I was seventeen. It was sweet and innocent, but also exciting like the world was brand new again. We held hands everywhere we went, and it wasn't long before we entered that stage of teen dating when all we wanted to do was shove our tongues down each other's throats. We hadn't moved past making out, and we wouldn't until we both felt she was ready. Bella was the only one of them that I truly felt like myself completely with, but again, that was the version of me that was a realist and constantly worried about the harsh realities of life.
Five unique personalities of mine to fit the five different personas of her. Of course, my multiple personalities didn't come with different names and lapses in memory, but when I was with each of them, I gave them my all and chose to enjoy every minute of it – every minute with each of them, except for Rose that is. Rose and I still had our issues, and I didn't see that changing anytime soon. Everyone fell into bad moods from time to time, and Rosalie was mine. If I was a woman, I'd say Rosalie was my PMS. Like clockwork, she'd come out and my whole demeanor would darken.
I assumed Rosalie would never get over her hostile resentment towards me, and that was okay, it was just something I'd always have to deal with. But then, like the switch of a light, suddenly Rosalie was different….