Hi All! I'm back with a new multi-chapter fic! This time it's with a fic that deals with something near and dear to my heart. You don't see many fics in the fma fandom where the characters are ace spec or aro spec. One day I finally decided that if it didn't exist, then I'll make it myself. I really need to thank those who've listened to me ramble and who've shown interest in the snippets I've shared. I really need to thank y'all in the edling server for being so kind and interested in this fic. I need to thank my friends who listened to me ramble for ages about this fic. So thank y'all so much. I need to thank Cece, SirryGray for their AroAce Ed headcannons that helped me realize that Ed really does seem Aromantic. I really need to thank my betareaders, so thank y'all so much for taking your time to read this fic. One final note is that I would love to hear what y'all think. It means a lot! So feel free to leave comments telling me your thoughts. Thank you!
It started when he was young, the talk about romance and love. As early as Ed could remember, his mother had told him that he'd find a nice girl, marry her, and grow old with her. He'd been five then. He'd not questioned it then. After all, that was how the world worked when you were five years old.
It wasn't until the age of 7 that Ed began to believe he was different. It had been a typical day: he, Al, and Winry played together, the game was unimportant. He was having fun. Until Al and Winry brought up who would marry her. It was so obnoxious.
"I'm going to marry her, brother!" Al announced. Ed shrugged. It didn't matter to him. Al could marry whoever he wanted. He didn't understand why his little brother was trying to make this seem like a competition.
"Have fun with that, Al," he deadpanned, flipping through his book and ignoring the strange looks Winry and Al were giving him. He frowned. Was he supposed to want to marry Winry? Ed guessed he wasn't opposed to the idea, but were they supposed to fight over her? He glanced back over to his brother and Winry; they were talking. Well, it couldn't hurt to play along. It was only a game.
He sighed and placed the book down. He grinned mischievously and jumped on the both of them, laughing at their sounds of protest. "Who said you could marry Winry, Al!" He snarled playfully, evading the playful punches his brother threw his way. Winry moved off to the side, laughing as the two of them wrestled.
Finally, the two blonds collapsed in a heap, Al pinning Ed by the arms. They panted, laying in the grass.
"I win, brother!" Al yelled triumphantly, a smirk on his face. The older stopped flailing and instead slumped into the warm grass, eyes closing. Al flopped down beside him, Winry on his other side. It was nice. This was nice. Why couldn't they stay like this forever: him, Al, and Winry against the world? There was no point in either of them marrying her.
Finally, Al broke the silence. "Do you want to get married , Winry?" The small blond asked, a smile in his voice. Ed just rolled his eyes. Sometimes he didn't understand his brother. What was so great about getting married anyway?
Ed sighed, heaving himself onto his feet. "I'm going to talk to mom," he announced as he walked away, not waiting for his little brother's answer.
"Tell mom I'll be home in a little while!" Al yelled after him. Ed waved him off. He padded back to the house, deep in his thoughts. If he didn't feel any romantic feelings then was it possible to still get married one day? Would people think he was a weirdo? Surely it had to be something he'd grow out of. Even mom had said it was something he'd grow out of a few years ago. However, here he was at age 7, still uninterested.
When he reached the house, he announced his arrival with a boisterous, "I'm home!" Pinako yelled a reply at him from another room. He sighed. The old hag was here again, probably to bring his mother something.
He walked into his mother's bedroom, smiling at her from the door. Her face was pale and her eyes hazy, but she still smiled back. She was getting sicker. Pinako sat beside her, an open book in her lap. He climbed onto the bed and into his mother's lap, laying his head on her chest. Her heartbeat thudded loudly in his ears.
"You're home earlier than I thought you'd be," she said after a moment, brushing trembling fingers through his hair. Something bubbled in his chest and the urge to get his worries off his chest grew.
She might not be here much longer for him to ask her.
He sighed. "Do people really fall in love, mama?" he asked quietly. Ed knew he was young, but not too young that he didn't know that there were different forms and types of love. He loved his mama and Al. And as much as he pretended to dislike Winry and annoy her, he loved her too, in the way you love a friend or close family member.
There was a chuckle from above him and Trisha buried her face in his hair for a moment. "Everyone does eventually, sweetheart. It's a natural part of life. I fell in love with your father. How do you think you'd come along if I didn't love him?"
Ed scowled at the mention of that bastard's name. "But what if someone can't fall in love or can't experience love in the way you loved dad?" The small blond asked after a moment. The fingers that were combing through his hair paused and from the corner of his eye, he saw her looking down at him with a perplexed expression on her pale face.
She sighed after a moment, her fingers resuming their previous path through his unruly hair. She chuckled softly. "I'm sure some people can't, sweetheart, but I've never met anyone who's never fallen in love. You have a long time before you have to fall in love, my dear."
Ed's confusion grew. "But Al was trying to get me to fight with him over who'd get to marry Winry, and I wasn't interested at all!" he protested. Surely that had to mean something! Or was he really just confused? Ugh! He didn't know!
"Honey, sweetheart, you're overthinking it. You're young. I'm sure you will fall in love with someone eventually. Maybe that someone will be Winry?" She nudged him, smiling that all-knowing smile that Ed loved about her.
Ed's face burned with embarrassment. "Mooom!" he groaned, burying his face in her side. It was going to be fine; when he was older, he'd fall in love with someone and maybe eventually get married. That's how it worked. He was being silly.
"I love you, mom," he said softly. She was warm, but her body was trembling as if she was cold. The fever was probably coming back. Pinako would probably be back soon and force him out. He looked up at her. Her brown eyes were half-lidded and it looked like she was being lulled into a fever-induced sleep.
"I love you too, sweetheart." He could barely hear it. The amusement from minutes earlier flooded out of him, replaced by ice-cold fear. He should probably get to dinner; Pinako usually expected them at dinner and joined them when a nurse showed up.
He breathed deeply. They could talk more when she got better. And if he was concerned... well. It would be best not to stress her out too much at the moment. He sat up and hugged her. He fought the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes. He couldn't lose her.
"I'll be back soon, okay?" She didn't answer. He looked up at her face and she had fallen asleep. He smiled softly and pressed a kiss to her temple. He closed the door on his way out and forced a smile on his face when he saw Al at the door with a questioning expression.
"She's resting," he said quietly.
Al breathed a sigh of relief. "C'mon, let's go to dinner."
She died three days later on a rainy, gloomy day. Her funeral and the month immediately following passed in a dazed blur for Ed. It was hard; it was very hard without her. There were many nights of silent crying. Al cried loudly in the bed beside him and Pinako tried to comfort him.
The weeks following his mother's death were awful. There were some days where he was sick with grief, unable to even get out of bed. Other days, his grief made it hard to eat but Pinako and Winry stayed through it all. Winry was the one to drag him out of bed and into the yard where they would soak in the sun. It was with Winry and Pinako's help that drug him out of that hole of grief. During long nights, he held Al and promised him that he would bring their mother back.
Time passed slowly; he jumped from birthday to birthday. They tried to bring mom back. They failed. He bound his brother to a suit of armor. He joined the military. He got automail. It was a painful process. There were days he'd almost break down in tears due to the pain, but he refused to cry.
He had a lot of time to himself during his recovery, which allowed him to spend more time with Winry. They'd spend sunny days out in the grass after Ed pushed himself hard. She'd brush calloused fingers through his hair. It reminded him of his mom. Then she bent forward to be closer to his face. The fingers in his hair came to a stop. He was confused. Then Winry closed the distance between them.
He was 11 and a half when she kissed him.
He was 11 and a half when he realized he didn't feel anything from it.
He had expected to feel one of the emotions his mother had said that she felt when she had fallen in love with that bastard. He'd been grossed out, but he paid close attention, so he knew what to look for: butterflies in her stomach (whatever that meant), nervousness around him, and wanting to spend every moment with him.
He didn't get butterflies or felt nervous after her lips pulled away. He felt nothing of what had been described by others around him. He could feel his face burning, but only because he was flustered. All he could feel was shame.
Winry pulled back and turned to focus on the sunset, her face flushed. He could tell she was fighting the smile on her face. A smile that showed that she liked kissing him. Ed could feel his face fall, the shame overwhelming any other emotion. He hadn't felt a thing. Not even a bit of interest in continuing later when they were older.
His suspicion had been confirmed, or maybe it hadn't. Perhaps it's just Winry; maybe he wasn't interested in her. That had to be it. It was impossible, right? It had to be impossible that he couldn't feel anything from a kiss.
He turned his face to her stomach, sighing softly as she returned to brushing fingers through his hair. Maybe. . .maybe he could ask to kiss her again? Not at this moment, of course, but when they were older. Perhaps if he kissed someone that wasn't Winry, he'd figure out that it was just Winry that he didn't have feelings for.
Everything would be alright. He'd still be Winry's friend even if he wasn't romantically interested in her. They would stay friends and everything would be fine.
He would be fine.
The rest of his recovery went by in a blur. Some days were long, while others passed quickly. The installation process was painful, but he refused to scream or cry. Winry was there, brushing sweat-soaked strands of hair out of his face as he panted and growled against the pain.
They never spoke of the kiss again, but he'd catch glimpses of Winry staring at him from the corner of his eye. He could never tell her expression. He wondered if she wanted to say something.
Spring came to pass into autumn with the first falling leaves. It was one of the early days of September when Ed could finally walk without Pinako's or Winry's support. The day had been a celebration, Ed smiling brightly, a rare genuine smile. Al hugged him tightly.
The rest of the month flew by quickly, except for the last day. The day Ed told Al of his plans for October 3rd. He couldn't deny getting a little teary-eyed at the thought of burning his house down. The place where he and Al were raised, where their father left them, where mom died一
Where they committed the biggest mistake of their lives.
October 3rd came and went. Surprisingly, he didn't cry. They left Resembool the day after, shutting the door on that part of their life with a hard slam. He would always remember the tears pouring out of Winry's eyes and down her face as she waved them goodbye. There was a feeling of cold regret as the train pulled out of the station.
Some things couldn't be shut away.
The train ride to East City was a quiet affair; both boys had their minds occupied with different things. After a while, Ed curled up on the seat and leaned his head on the window. Winry's face passed through his mind and he grimaced when he remembered the tears.
She was on his mind a lot these past few months, ever since the kiss.
"Brother." Al's voice interrupted his thoughts and he turned towards his younger brother.
"Yeah, Al?"
"Did something happen between you and Winry?"
Ed looked away. He knew the emotions showed clear on his face and cursed himself for not having a good poker face.
"Hah! I knew it!" Al cheered triumphantly. Ed only grimaced.
"I. . . don't really want to talk about it, Al."
Al was silent for a few moments before he spoke up again. "Did you kiss her, brother?"
Ed couldn't determine the tone of Al's voice. He once again cursed himself for putting Al in that armor. He let a small amount of self-hatred flow through him before he turned to him.
"I一we. . .yeah we did." The quiet after his confession felt awkward and his face burned with embarrassment and some other unknown emotion. "Go ahead, make fun of me," he muttered. He was prepared for Al to tease him and not for what his brother actually said next.
"It's ok not to know how to feel, brother. If I had kissed Winry, I don't know how I'd feel, but I think I'd like it," the suit of armor said, and Ed's heart slowly cracked. Of course, Al wouldn't understand even if he told him his suspicion. But Al wasn't finished speaking. "Who am I kidding, I won't be able to kiss her or anyone for a long time."
Ed's heart broke fully. He could feel it in his chest, tugging forcefully at him. He turned his face back towards the swiftly passing scenery. There was no way he'd tell him now; Al shouldn't have to hear or deal with his worries about romance when he couldn't experience it himself.
Don't worry, Al. We're going to get your body back.
