Happy New year. May 2021 find you all healthy and may we all leave this hell behind.

I am sorry I took so long, but we had a Covid scare in the family. Still not sure we are in the clear. Difficult times for all.
Take care and stay healthy.

-/-

This night in particular was so quiet that Severus could hear his own breath as he sat next to her bed in his usual chair. Miriam was nowhere to be seen…..not even in her office. She was probably visiting other patients, which suited him well. He was not in the mood to get into another conversation with that nosy witch. It was already hard enough for him as it was…he didn't need any reminders that he was acting like a bastard.

He leaned his elbows on his knees and his eyes lifted wearily to Hermione's face. All the bruises and cuts were healing quickly. His hand covered his mouth as his clever eyes observed the discreet lines of worry forming on her brow, inside her sleep. Her features had changed…they seemed more mature, more experienced somehow. Her aging process had been stopped by his potion, but not reversed yet. Everyone believe the Underworld was to blame….he knew there was more than that.

Ever since she collapsed into his arms after sending the killing curse on Grey, he saw that she was not the same girl that entered the Underworld. When he send her flying towards the portal she was the girl he knew so well. When he turned swiftly after feeling a rock hitting him between the shoulder blades, he barely had the time to realize that Grey's dagger was mere inches from his chest when Hermione's killing curse ended everything. He saw her eyes then…he saw her face….she was different. Then she collapsed in his arms and he hugged her protectively. He called her name….he yelled it so loud that his vocal chords felt abused for days later. He howled her name to the black skies as the explosion that Harry's team caused, turning the night into day.

He clasped her head, hiding it close to his chest protectively…and shielded her body with his. When the rain begun to fall he drew back and looked with dread at her pale features. This woman was not the same one that Lucius released. This Hermione looked older...much older. His hand stroked the new snowy curl that was hanging near her cheek and his scowl deepened.

Then his eyes fell on the Time-Turner that was hanging around her neck. The darkness that covered his regard was chilling. He pulled the Time-Turner off her neck so violently the chain broke. He shoved it in his pocket and then run his hand over her body, searching for the damage. He felt all the power of the Eleventh Key focused on her lower belly….and that is when he understood.

He understood exactly what had taken place. He may have not seen it…he didn't know what forced her back in time, but she travelled back without any protection…..

The Underworld was unforgiving to those who ventured in it without any shields. It was even more inexorable to those who attempted a stupid trip back in time inside it. The anger that rushed through his veins on her imprudence barely won over the need to bring her back to the real world.

Now as he sat next to her, hidden by the shadows of the room he wondered what he was angrier about. That she went back in time without any consideration for her well-being inside a world she knew nothing about or that he didn't know what made her act so recklessly? He knew Hermione's mind was a formidable machine of reason. She was not a woman that would act foolishly upon a whim. Especially when she could endanger the health of the baby.

She saw something down there that was grave enough to send her back in time. Something that he didn't know…something that had taken place in another timeline. Whichever grim incident took place that made her travel back, happened between him hurling her towards the portal and her cursing Grey. One moment she was young, the next she was several years older. He lifted his eyes back to her, itching with the need to know. To see what she had seen…but he didn't know if it was wise. He had never experienced the alternative past that she had….was it wise for him to do so through her mind?

His firm regard focused on her. If there was a chance for him to make peace between the sensible girl that he knew and the erratic time traveler that aged herself inside the Underworld…then he'd do it. He couldn't remain idle anymore. This was eating him up….

Ever since they returned to their world he was angry…at her…at the Ministry….at the world….but above all at himself. He was furious with her because she endangered both the life of the baby and her own….for reasons he couldn't fathom. He was angry at the Ministry for having the audacity of asking him back. He was angry at the world for disposing him so easily in favor of Grey.

Lessons were not learned apparently even though history was so fresh….therefore history was meant to be repeated. Finally he was furious with himself for revealing his shortcomings to Hermione. He was angry at his inability to see himself as a partner…and much less as a father. He was madly frustrated at his unwillingness to explain to Hermione that what was making him pull away was not her….but his past, his conditionings.

He couldn't be a father….he couldn't destroy a child like his father destroyed him. He didn't want to be a partner…he was unwilling to destroy this woman….exactly because he felt for her more than he would ever be able to admit. The juxtaposition of his feelings was making him livid. Instead of finding a way to accept his faults and talk with her all he wanted to do was run away.

At the same time he was unwilling to do so. There he was then ….sitting next to her torn to the very depths of his soul. Reluctant to face her friends who would no doubt accuse him of irresponsibility and cruelty. Indisposed to let the world remember his existence, but above all profoundly scared of facing her. His chest brimmed with so many emotions that he felt unable to sit still anymore. He sprang up nervously and begun pacing like a caged lion inside the room.

You are trying to tackle so many things at once…calm down.

He needed to face her eventually. They had to speak about what happened Under.

You mean admit that what you said to Grey about abhorring fatherhood was true?

He didn't abhor it. He was terrified of it….

Then wake her up and tell her!

He stopped abruptly at the foot of her bed and his haunted features filled with a mixture of dread and anger. First of all he needed to know what she saw that made her travel back in time.

And what do you propose to do? Use Legilimency on her…without her permission?

Why not?

And what if you see something you shouldn't have ever seen? What then?

He gritted his teeth. Then he would have to face it alongside of her. He had to understand why she endangered herself and the baby. He raised his eyes on her for several tense minutes as he tried to decide if what he was about to do was ethically correct. Reading the minds of his foes couldn't be compared with intruding the privacy of a woman that meant so much to him.

After what felt like an eon of thick tension he exhaled hard and uncrossed his arms. He came next to her and lowered his black eyes upon her pale features. He reached out and curled his long fingers around her thin wrist almost possessively.

Even though you want to run away ….you are still clinging on to her old man.

His eyelids closed heavily and he stood motionless in front of the heavy doors of her mind, debating if it was right for him to barge in uninvited. Time lingered around him and her. Everything was so quiet, seemed so colorless and so still. Even their breaths had slowed down. Her resistance was minimal…yet he was unable to take the leap of faith. Unable to know if it was his morals that stopped him or the fear of what he would have seen, he released her hand and drew back with a sharp inhalation.

He stood up and walked towards the window unable to get his thoughts in order when her voice made his blood freeze.

"I felt you."

A strong shudder rushed down his back. He turned to her, half hidden in the shadows.

"I felt you inside my mind." Her eyes were gleaming in the darkness.

He didn't respond.

"Why didn't you enter?" Her voice was a little more than a whisper.

"I don't know." His deep voice felt unused.

"What stopped you from intruding my most private thoughts Severus?" Her eyes were demanding.

"Morals…fear…" He whispered.

"And now what? You attempted to invade my mind and now you are about to run away again?" She pushed with her elbow and sat up.

She looked so fragile that his heart hurried to her without asking his permission. Nevertheless those words ruffled his feathers and kept him silent.

"Did I catch you just in time before you disappeared?" She raised her brow.

He shook his head. "How dare you Hermione?"

She frowned visibly surprised. "What?"

"How dare you sound so biting…"

She stopped him. "Prove that what I am saying is wrong Severus. You've been hiding from the world and from me ever since we came back! How do you expect me to sound towards you? Amicable?"

"How dare you sound so caustic…" –His voice crawled with anger- "When you exposed yourself and the life you have in your loins to the dangers of the Underworld so thoughtlessly!" He thundered.

Hermione flinched away from him and drew the blanket up to her bosom. Now it was her turn to stay silent.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out the Time-Turner. Then his eyes lifted up to her furiously. "What did you use this down there? How did you end up aging so much in such a short time Hermione?"

Her eyes fell with dread to the broken chain of the Time-Turner that was dangling from his fingers. "Is that what you were trying to find out by using your Legilimency?"

He took two large steps towards the bed and she fought not to flinch. "Give me one valid reason to excuse your thoughtless time-travel inside the damned Underworld, especially now that you have to sustain two lives instead of one!" He barked.

"How did you find out?" Her eyes teared up.

"Do you take me for a fool?" He frowned and threw the Time-Turner on her bed angrily. Then he turned around and rubbed his face.

Her fingers caressed the amulet thoughtfully. "Never a fool Severus. You are many things…but you are not a fool."

"Then tell me before I lose my mind!" –When he turned his black eyes were blazing with a fire she had never seen before- "Tell me why you endangered yourself in this inconsiderate manner!"

One tear rolled down her cheek and her chest undulated as she tried to swallow her tears. "Be…." The words couldn't form. They diminished as she exhaled softly and closed her eyes.

"Tell me!" He commanded.

"Because this world wouldn't have ever been the same without you in it." Those profound words made her chest fill with bitterness and the tears to flood her face.

That gave him pause. He took a step towards her and stopped. "What?" All the anger was extinguished from his voice.

She closed her eyes tightly. "What more do you want me to say?"

The paused was long. "I died?"

She nodded softly and strong sobs rattled her chest. Her hand came protectively around her stomach.

The confusion was clear in his eyes as he backed up to the wall and leaned upon it spent. "You…" –He stumbled for words and looked towards the floor- "You…imperiled your life and the life the baby just to bring me back to this accursed life?"

She looked up and wiped her tears with the back of her hand. Then her brows creased in confusion. "You would have wished me to leave you dead?" She muttered.

He didn't speak for so long that she pushed back the covers and stood up.

Then she repeated more firmly. "Severus…look at me."

He kept his eyes closed.

"You would have preferred me to leave for dead?" The despair was clear in her eyes.

"Yes." His whisper was barely heard.

She took another step closer to him. "What?"

"Yes!" The sudden rumble made her recoil.

She cupped her mouth and felt her heart exploding with unbearable pain.

"I was never given the choice to decide was I? The usual Gryffindor bravado took over and decided for me! I did everything I could down there to keep you safe and you destroyed all that for nothing."

"Your life isn't nothing…." She tried.

"It is!" He snapped and his eyes filled with wrath.

She felt her chest echoing with anger at the unfairness of those words. "It means a lot to me!"

"As your life means a lot to me!" He roared panting.

She inhaled sharply and a strong shudder shook her whole.

"Who told you that I would ever agree to you risking your life in this thoughtless manner…just to give me a second chance in this bloody life…which means nothing to me anyway!?" He barked.

She opened her mouth to speak, but he didn't allow her.

"Who told you I want to be alive!" He hissed with unbearable hatred…which was directed inwardly.

Her trembling fingers tried to touch him. "Don't speak like that…please."

He avoided her touch. "The only thing I ever wanted was for you to be safe…." –His eyes teared up- "For the baby inside you to be safe."

"They are…I protected them…Severus I used our combined power and kept them safe from the time travel." Her eyes lit up as she tried to find a way to reach him.

"With what cost?!" He roared and grasped his head.

She pressed her lips and came up to him, despite his obvious need to keep his distance. Then she touched his bicep as gently as possible. "Please…calm down."

"You almost killed yourself, you stupid girl!" He gritted his teeth and for a moment she saw the naked pain that was hiding in his usually cold eyes.

A knife slashed through her heart. "I am well…I am here…I am alive and so are you…" –Her hand tightened on his bicep and then her other caressed her stomach- "We are all alive Severus….Look at me."

His eyes fell on her heavy.

"The baby is here and so are you." She whispered and her eyes welled once more with unspeakable emotions.

He looked at her almost defeated. "And so are you…several years older."

A small smile formed on her lips. "If that is the worst thing that could have happened….then I am okay with it."

"I am not." His answer was exhaled upon her hair as she stepped closer to him. Her body brushed against his.

She hesitated for a brief moment before swallowing her grief. "You are not into older women?"

"Don't jest…." The warning was clear.

She tensed and her features filled with shadows of uncertainty. "Down there…what happened…." She stumbled.

He shook his head hard in denial. "Was a nightmare…it still is…"

"It is?" She smiled sadly.

"Look at you." He exhaled crushed, his eyes feasting on the silver hair at the side of her face.

She touched his sleeve gingerly, as if fearing that he'd disappear. "Down there I was so afraid for your life…"

His hand reached up instinctively and lingered over hers. "Me too…you have no idea." His voice trembled.

"I know." She choked.

His hand cupped hers tightly.

A strong shiver of appreciation rushed up her spine at the warmth of his skin. She closed her eyes and leaned her head on his bicep. "I heard what you said down there." She whispered.

He shook his head…but only a broken groan came out of his mouth.

"You knew that I was pregnant." Her voice had seemingly diminished from their unexpected proximity.

His free hand came up to touch the side of her hair gently. "I did."

"How?" She frowned without opening her eyes. She didn't want to face the inevitable.

"Your threads…your aura…" He inhaled deeply.

"You knew when you came to me that night…when you had me with such unbridled passion…when you spoke about the vault key in your office." She murmured.

He nodded fervently and leaned his head back to the wall. His fingers entwined through her hair almost possessively. "Yes."

"Yet you told me nothing." The shade of accusation was clear in her voice.

He remained tensely silent.

"You insisted on me having the vault key in order to have enough money to raise our child…"

He swallowed dryly.

"…alone." That word held concealed anger behind it.

His fingers tightened around her in the knowledge of what was about to come.

"You wanted to give me your home so I could raise our child in it alone, didn't you?" This time she looked up to him.

He didn't wish to meet her eyes. He kept his gaze to the floor in dread. His head gave a soft overpowered nod. There was no use denying.

"Did you intend to get back from the Underworld?" Her voice was barely heard.

"No." The answer came fast, but had no strength behind it.

After a few moments she nodded gently. "I ruined your plans to a grant exit." That was a statement.

He humphed and closed his eyes. "I am not what is important in this equation Hermione. You and the baby…"

She pressed his bicep fiercely. "We are all important in this equation Severus. That is what you are not understanding…or maybe that is what is bothering you!"

He looked up timidly and met her steady gaze.

"I heard very well what you told that woman in the Underworld." Her shoulders flared up proudly.

His slouched.

"You never wanted to father a child…You abhorred the thought…" Her brows creased irately.

He shook his head. "I did, forgive me…"

"So you didn't lie." The dissapointment was clear.

"No." He teared up.

She nodded quietly. "When you learned that you were going to have a child with me you run…."

The words felt like a dagger slashing through his chest. He pressed his lips to her temple fiercely. "I only wanted you to be safe…for both of you to be safe…have a home…"

"But also to be out of our lives….dead or not it mattered little." She whispered in defeat.

He remained tensely silent as more tears stained the lines on his face.

The pause was long from her. "Did you sign the release of our contract?"

His gaze got lost for a few moments, before he composed himself again. "It was only a technicality. The Ministry withdrew the law."

"What does this baby represent for you Severus?" The question came out of nowhere to slap him in the face.

What could he answer? Abandonment? Pain? Dissapointment? Fear? He opened his mouth and nothing came out. His eyes bore into hers in despair.

"Do you think that this baby will change you? That it will trap you?" She withdrew her hand from under his and grasped his sleeve demandingly.

He felt his blood freezing.

She waited for a moment and then shook her head sadly. "I don't wish to change you Severus. I don't wish to trap you." –The pause was long as her eyes pierced his- "I wish to be your partner, if such a thing exists in your vocabulary. I wish to understand you….maybe share my life with you…."

The tension was so thick that he couldn't speak.

"You do feel trapped….I can see it in your eyes." She whispered and the tears pooled at the edge of her eyes.

His jawline flexed.

"How can I expect you to see me as a partner? You feel trapped by this pregnancy." Those words were drenched in unspoken anguish.

He shook his head fervently. "No…listen…" He hurried.

"This pregnancy didn't happen on purpose Severus. I never intended to become a mother so young…" –On that her lips curled up in a bitter smile- "However it did happen and we have equal responsibility for it. I was taking protection, but it failed. A rare occurrence, but it can happen. As for you…."

He averted his eyes and tensed.

"You never pulled out." He thought she'd say those words as an accusation, but they sounded as a cold observation.

"I know." His voice was diminished.

"You could have done so…yet you yearned to have me fully, didn't you?" Her eyes burned through his.

A breath and she could have missed his nod.

"As I yearned to have you fully." She added heavily.

His eyes gushed.

"You branded me with your seed and the proof of that is inside me…a sentient life…a new heartbeat. I won't make that baby pay for our mistakes." She shook her head solemnly.

He looked at her apprehensively.

"Assuming that you think this is a mistake, which according to your actions is exactly what you believe." Her brow creased in annoyance.

He made to speak but she stopped him. "Come on Severus. When you learned of my pregnancy instead of sharing the news with me you freaked out. You run away. I am surprised you ever came to see me in the hospital….hidden in the shadows like a thief. You wished to cut ties with me so much that you hurried to break our contract."

"Did that thing hold any true importance between us? The law is withdrawn…that bloody piece of paper means nothing." He suddenly animated at those accusations….which were not wholly mistaken nonetheless. However some forgotten noble part of him wished to deny them.

She humphed and released his arm.

"Why would something like that bother you Hermione? You are now a free woman!" He frowned.

"Free to raise our kid alone? That is called abandonment not freedom." She hurled back at him mercilessly.

He held his breath for several seconds before he spoke with a hushed voice. "I cannot father a child."

"You don't want to father a child." Came the hard retort.

He face blanched as the knife twisted between the folds of his heart. "You don't understand."

She shook her head. "Make me! I can feel the frustration oozing out of you….I can hear it through each word and see it in your blazing eyes….What I have inside me cannot disappear…we cannot take back what we did. It is here to stare us at the face and demand answers." She had to force herself to sound composed.

He reached up for her, but she pulled away. Physically and psychologically.

"Fate made us cross paths again Severus….and since the beginning for my part our meeting was anything but typical. I won't lie anymore…neither will I hide. I fell for you and I fell hard. It was not in my plans, but my heart never asked me." Her eyes teared up.

He felt his stomach dropping and he pulled her in with such force that she moaned. Then he enfolded her into his tightly, needing to affirm that she was there…alive….

Her arms lingered over his ribcage uncertain. "I won't be afraid to say the words even though I know you are terrified of them."

He gritted his teeth praying for her to say them, but also to remain silent.

She swallowed a sob and wrapped her arms around him fervently. "I love you….and I know you dread it….but I cannot stop it. I love you as I love this baby in me. I never wished to be a mom so early on, but I am here to take on the responsibility. I wish to be with you…I wish to build a life out of this chaos. You are free…of all obligations…of everything…I know we are a mess, but maybe we can try to mend things. I am willing to do it…if you are too." Her voice was muted as she hid her face upon his chest.

He leaned his cheek on the top of her head and closed his eyes. "I am too messed up for this Hermione…"

"I can help…"

The willingness in her voice almost broke him. He enwrapped her tightly.

She remained silent, feeling her heart drumming in her ears. Her eyes flooding with tears, her stomach torn to threads. Expecting him to reciprocate those words had been an unattainable dream. She had barely been able to hold on to him before he flew away. She reached up and took his hand. Then she led it slowly to her lower stomach. There she paused breathless and looked up to him. "We brought this baby to life Severus….even if you run away from me…it will still be ours. I won't trap you…I won't hold you down….You are free to go…but I shall remain." She said solemnly.

He lowered his head slowly until his mouth brushed against her parted lips. His scorching gasps warming her cheek. "Stop Hermione…for the love of heaven."

"I know I am asking too much from you. The request is too great." She whispered.

One of her tears got trapped at the side of his lips. He closed his eyes and his palm pressed her lower belly softly. A moan of pain escaped his chest.

She felt his distress so deeply that her heart cried out for him. She gripped his hand protectively and pressed it on her stomach. "I am not asking for answers from you anymore. I already know them."

He squeezed his eyes tight and instead of kissing her he leaned his forehead defeated on her shoulder. He shook his head overwhelmed.

The pause was long. "Will you remain with me until I sleep or will you fly away?"

He enfolded her tighter even. A soft nod was her answer…and it was more than enough for her. Sad as it was she settled with the fact that the father of her baby…the man she loved….would remain only until she fell asleep. That he would leave again without giving her any answers….and it pained her that she couldn't demand them out of him.

Despite the excruciating pain in her heart she yearned to have him close to her for a few moments more. She clasped his hand and drew him to bed. "Will you leave when I fall asleep?"

"No." The answer was honest, but did little to calm her down.

"Will you be here when I wake up?" She turned to him.

His palm cupped her cheek and his finger stroked her jawline. "I will stay with you until the break of dawn."

"Then you will hide again from me…" She frowned.

"I want to hide from the world, not you." He hissed.

"The everlasting spy….hiding from everyone." She murmured.

As she lay down he cocooned her with the quilt wordlessly. She closed her eyes abandoned in the knowledge that it was impossible to keep someone against their will….especially someone you loved.

She felt him laying down behind her and knew that the future she desired with him…was difficult nay impossible, but still her heart was unwilling to give up on them. Especially now that his arms fell heavy around her and pulled her in tightly.

When his hand burrowed under the quilt and lingered over her lower stomach, she held her breath. When it covered it gently her face lines mellowed and her eyelids closed down heavily.

At least he was there for her now…

There hovering between reality and dreams….at the end of her tether she thought that maybe…just maybe there was still a slim chance for them….inside a world that would hunt them maybe a little less than his own mind would.

- .-