13 January 1976
Remus yawned, swinging himself out of his four-poster bed and snatching his cloak up from where it hung on his footboard.
"Where are you going?" James asked from the rug in the center of the dormitory, looking up from the enormous rubble of Zonko's products that he and Sirius were sitting in the midst of. The kit had been a Christmas gift to James and Sirius from James's uncle Caradoc, complete with dungbombs, Filibuster Fireworks, teething teacups, and an assortment of other outrageous artifacts that Remus had been doing his best to ignore over the weeks that had elapsed since the new term had begun.
"Prefect patrols," Remus said simply, pulling on his cloak and quickly checking that his Prefect badge was pinned to his chest.
"Again?" Sirius demanded. "This is ridiculous—that's every day this week. Where on Earth is Evans?"
"She's not back at school yet," Remus shrugged. "McGonagall asked me to take care of her shifts until she comes back."
"Term started more than a week ago," James said, frowning confusedly. "Why isn't she back?"
"Dunno," Remus shrugged again, fastening the last of the buttons on his cloak. "McGonagall didn't say."
"Maybe she's ill," Peter piped up from his bed, where he was nibbling on a Sugar Quill.
"Shut up, Wormtail," James snapped, turning to shoot Peter a dirty look. "She's not ill."
"I didn't mean seriously ill," Peter backtracked at once, cowering under James's glare. "Maybe—maybe she just needed a few extra days to recover—"
"I'm sure she's fine," Remus cut Peter off in an attempt to spare him from James, whose expression had grown steadily stonier. "Whatever it is, she'll be back soon—McGonagall gave me the impression it would only be a few weeks."
"Hey, hang on—I bet Macdonald knows where she is," James said, perking up slightly and looking at Remus. "Why don't you ask her?"
Remus's cheeks flushed, and he averted his gaze from James's as he turned and headed for the dormitory door. The truth was that he hadn't spoken to Mary since the previous term, though he hadn't confided in any of his friends about this. Mary had tried to corner him after Transfiguration several times over the past week, but Remus had gone out of his way to avoid her.
"Yeah…yeah, I suppose I could ask her," Remus told James vaguely, pulling open the door. "I'll see you all later," he added, waving and stepping outside.
Remus heard a chorus of goodbyes from his friends as the dormitory door swung shut behind him. Swallowing, he hurried down the staircase, toward the common room.
Remus was on the bottom step when he heard a voice that made his heart leap into his throat.
"Are you sure you don't want to come upstairs?" Mary was saying. "You look exhausted—you should get some rest if you want to go to classes tomorrow."
Remus froze in his tracks. Automatically, without thinking, he climbed back up several steps and pressed himself against the wall of the spiral staircase so that he was well-hidden from view. Then, very slowly, he peered around the banister, into the common room—and he gasped softly.
Mary was standing by the stairs to the girls' dormitories, holding a large mahogany trunk. And standing a few feet away from Mary—arms crossed and face turned toward the fireplace so Remus couldn't see her expression—was Lily.
"I'm not really tired," Lily said quietly, without turning away from the fireplace. "I slept on the train."
Mary bit her lip. "Lily…are you sure—?"
"I'm fine, Mare," Lily said firmly, wrapping her arms more tightly around herself. "I'll be up in a bit, I promise. I just…I just want to sit down here for a little while."
Mary sighed. "All right," she said softly. "I'll see you later, then." She reached out and squeezed Lily's shoulder. Then, she hefted Lily's trunk up, turned around, and began dragging it up the stairs to the girls' dormitories.
Remus hastily drew back, pressing his body more firmly against the wall as he heard Mary's footsteps creak up the parallel staircase. He waited until the footsteps had faded completely away before he released a silent breath, slipping down the last couple stairs and into the common room.
"Hi, Remus."
Remus nearly jumped a mile out of his skin as he swiveled around. Lily was still standing by the fireplace, arms crossed, but she was facing him now—and Remus realized, with a blow to his chest, that she had somehow known he was there the entire time.
"Lily," he stammered, clutching a hand to his racing chest. "You—Merlin's pants, you scared me."
Lily barely cracked a smile, and with another jolt to his chest, Remus suddenly realized how pale and thin she looked—even her red hair looked duller and flatter than Remus was used to. He blinked at her for a moment. Then, he quickly looked away when he realized he was staring.
"What are you doing going out after curfew?" Lily asked, quirking an eyebrow. "D'you have a secret girlfriend I don't know about?"
"Hardly," Remus snorted. "I've got rounds to do."
A look of horror crossed Lily's face. "No," she gasped. "Oh—no—have you been doing my rounds?"
Remus shrugged awkwardly. "McGonagall asked me to—"
"Remus, I'm so sorry," Lily said, looking distraught. "Oh, Merlin, I feel awful—"
"Lily, don't," Remus interrupted, embarrassed. "You've covered for me so many times this year, it's only fair. And besides, it's not your fault—you've been away."
Lily shook her head. "I'll take care of rounds tonight—you should go upstairs and get some sleep."
"You should get some sleep," Remus said, frowning at her. "You look knackered."
Lily raised her eyebrows. "Could you and Mary be any more alike?" she asked, sounding faintly amused, and Remus's face flooded with heat. He quickly looked away. "Here—why don't we do rounds together?" Lily suggested. "I'm not tired, and you're already down here. We might as well."
Remus glanced at her. He didn't believe for a second that she wasn't tired—the dark purple bags under her eyes were proof enough. But nearly five years of knowing Lily Evans had taught Remus far better than to argue with her. Shrugging, he gestured toward the portrait hole, and Lily smiled, leading the way.
They walked down the seventh floor together in silence for several minutes. Remus glanced sideways at her—the more he looked at her, the more obvious the changes became. Lily's face looked worn, almost sunken—her bright green eyes were missing their usual glimmer of mischief.
"How was your holiday?" Lily asked abruptly, and Remus jumped, looking at her in surprise. Her expression was slightly defensive, guarded—Remus realized she'd caught him staring again.
"Oh, it was all right," Remus said mildly, as the two of them rounded a corner. "It was pretty quiet, which was nice."
Lily snorted. "I'll never understand how you can love quiet but then spend all of your time with Potter and Black."
"They keep life interesting," Remus shrugged, grinning at her. "How was your holiday?"
Lily swallowed, turning to stare at the floor. "I…I've had better." She paused for a long moment. Then, she stopped short in her tracks and faced Remus. "My dad died," she said quietly.
Remus's stomach plummeted to his feet as he came to a halt in his tracks as well, gaping at Lily. Immediately, his mind flashed to a memory of a red-haired, friendly-faced, big-bellied man whom Remus had often seen collecting Lily from King's Cross Station—and Remus realized, with an unpleasant jolt, that he hadn't seen Mr. Evans on the platform that past December.
"Oh, Lily—" Remus croaked.
"I'm sorry," Lily interrupted, her expression horrified. "I shouldn't have sprung that on you—that wasn't right. I'm sorry, Remus—"
"Lily—"
"I really shouldn't have said anything—it wasn't—I'm sorry—"
"Lily, you—that's not—"
"Just, please forget I said anything. I—let's just go to the sixth floor—"
"Lily!"
Lily froze mid-sentence and looked at Remus.
"Lily, I…I'm so sorry," Remus said hoarsely, his throat swelling shut at the sight of Lily's face, pale and drained.
Lily blinked quickly. "You don't need to apologize," she said. "It's not your fault."
"I know that," Remus said quietly, shaking his head. "But I'm still sorry. I've seen the way my dad talks about his mum and dad. He lost them both at seventeen. Losing a parent—it's the one thing they can never protect you from, isn't it?"
Lily stared at him, her chin trembling. Then, suddenly, her eyes filled with tears. "He'd been sick a long time—since our third year," she told him. "I feel so guilty, now, for not being around, for going to school most of the year—I never would have done it if I'd known how soon…how soon he'd been gone."
"Lily…" Remus whispered, feeling quite overwhelmed. Awkwardly, hand trembling, he patted her shoulder.
"My sister thinks I could have done something," Lily whispered. "She thinks I could have found a way to help him, with magic. She asked me what the point was, of me coming here for eight months of the year, if I couldn't even do that."
Remus gazed at Lily in disbelief. "Lily, that's—she couldn't honestly have expected you to—"
"I know," Lily heaved a tremulous sigh, closing her eyes. "I know she's being ridiculous. But a stupid part of me kept hoping for a last-minute miracle, too. I kept imagining that a Healer would burst into the hospital room with a potion that would fix everything." She glanced at Remus. "Stupid, isn't it? Especially when half of this world thinks witches like me shouldn't be at Hogwarts at all."
"No—Lily," Remus whispered, taking a step toward her—but he was afraid to do anything more. He didn't dare hug her.
"He used to call me Lily-Jo," Lily said, her voice trembling. "It was short for Lily Joanne, and I—I always hated it. All that breath I wasted telling him I hated that nickname, I could have spent on so many other things."
Remus couldn't bear it anymore. Swallowing his fears, he stepped forward and pulled her into a hug. Lily froze in surprise—but then, a moment later, she hugged him back just as tightly, burying her face in his cloak.
It was several long moments before Lily pulled back, sniffing and wiping her nose on her sleeve. Without missing a beat, Remus reached into his pocket and withdrew his faded, old handkerchief, handing it to her. Lily accepted it, shaking her head.
"You must think my family is a mess," Lily mumbled, as she mopped her eyes with the handkerchief.
"I reckon I've heard worse," Remus said quietly, thinking of Sirius.
Lily looked at him for a moment, but she didn't press him further. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath.
"Thank you," she whispered.
"Of course," Remus said at once.
Lily straightened her shoulders and considered Remus seriously. "Remus, I want you to know that…that if you ever wanted to talk about—anything…if you ever wanted to tell me something, I'll be here to listen."
Remus stared at Lily, his stomach tightening—there was something significant, something more than just idle compassion in Lily's expression…
"I know you don't know me like you know Potter, Black, and Pettigrew," Lily continued quickly. "I just—I really do consider you a friend, now, especially after this year, and I wanted to tell you that…if you ever wanted to—"
"How long have you known?" Remus asked hoarsely.
Lily stared at him, her gaze steady. Then— "Since September," she said quietly. "I noticed the symptoms, first—then, the timings of the patrols you missed—and of course, in the last couple months, Severus has been dropping anvil-sized hints, hoping I'd catch on…"
Remus didn't know what to say.
"I know what happened with Severus, before the holidays," Lily said slowly. "I…I heard the rumors about Potter saving him from the Whomping Willow, and I put it all together."
Remus opened his mouth to respond, but no words came out.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Lily asked quietly.
Remus shook his head. "I can't."
Lily stared at him. "Mary told me you haven't spoken to her since last term. She says you've been ignoring her. Does it have something to do with what happened?"
Remus's stomach flipped unpleasantly. He averted his eyes from Lily's. "I'm not ignoring her."
Lily raised her eyebrows, crossing her arms. "Remus, I saw you jump up several stairs to avoid seeing her," she reminded him. When Remus didn't answer, she softened her voice. "I thought…I thought you liked Mary. She told me your first date went well—and I know you were spending time together before the holidays—"
"It doesn't matter," Remus interrupted.
"Pardon me?"
For the first time, Remus met Lily's gaze. "It doesn't matter," he repeated in a low voice. "My feelings—they don't matter here." Remus swallowed, looking past Lily's shoulder, down the empty seventh floor corridor. "I'm a werewolf, Lily," he said flatly. "The thing with Snape last month—it reminded me that…my future…it's not like yours, or James's, or—or Mary's. If something had happened to Snape…" he trailed off, his skin prickling at the thought. "It's not fair to Mary—I could never tie her to a life like mine."
"Remus," Lily said, her eyes wide. "That's not—"
"I'll talk to Mary. I know I owe her an explanation," Remus continued numbly. "But I can't be with her—with anyone, seriously—knowing that…there's no future there."
"But you can have a future," Lily continued earnestly. "You—you don't have to be alone—"
"I know that," Remus said quickly. "I have James, and Sirius, and Peter. I haven't felt alone in a very long time."
Lily gazed at him, looking like she wasn't quite ready to drop the subject. But Remus shook his head.
"I have everything I need, Lily," Remus told her. "Most of my life…I never expected to have even one friend, but here I am with three—"
"Four," Lily cut in, her green eyes blazing.
Remus blinked at her. Lily gave him a small smile.
"I may be Mary's friend, but I'm yours, too," she said seriously. "You'll never be alone, Remus—not…not as long as I have something to say about it."
Remus swallowed the lump in his throat. Lily beamed at him, reaching out and squeezing his shoulder.
Something changed between them, after that night. Remus could feel a new, stronger connection between himself and Lily. Their conversations took on a different tone—there was a new sense of appreciation, a mutual understanding that went beyond anything Remus had ever expected to have with Lily Evans. Remus stopped thinking of her simply as his fellow-Prefect, as the girl who helped him with his Potions homework—or even as Lily, the friendly Gryffindor who smiled at him in the hallways or waved at him from across the Great Hall.
They were friends, both carrying the weight of deeply personal secrets—and doing their best to relieve the other's burden.
Author's Note:
I'm a firm believer that Remus and Lily had an incredibly strong bond that went beyond James and Lily's relationship :') There was a lot I wanted to convey with this chapter, and I'm not sure I managed to do it all, but I did my best.
Hope y'all enjoyed this! I'm working hard to stay consistent with updates!
Ari
