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Star Wars

Episode 5: Mandalorian Grief

Chapter 2: Denial

Onboard the Outcast:

"By the time you get here, everything will be ready." Bura'Bon's hologram flickered and faded as he spoke. Despite the interference of hyperspace his voice came through clear and strong.

Slick had to swallow the lump in his throat before speaking. "Thank you, Bura. I..." he swiped savagely at a stray tear. Throughout the conversation, it'd been difficult to maintain his composure. "What you're doing...It means a lot."

The one remaining lekku curled empathetically as he bowed. Through the grainy transmission, Slick could see the sadness in his eyes before the hologram blinked out. Slumping back into the pilot's chair the pantoran took a deep breath. Rubbing his eyes he expelled it in a long shuddering sigh. In the darkness he saw Gare's bloody corpse...bereft if life...and he could hear Tersen's heart wrenching cry.

They grieved-oh how they grieved, but they still had jobs to do. Pybus wasn't safe. They had to leave.

At Jarek's orders the crew had dispersed; Tersen to the engine room, while Era stayed behind with Jacek. Jarek lingered in the med-bay, probably to assist. Slick and Maddy headed for the bridge to begin the launch sequence. The further from the moon they got the better.

"But one of us...will never truly leave," he thought bitterly, not bothering to stop the tears this time. He didn't care, there was no one else on the bridge to witness. Upon entering the cargo-hold Maddy had split off, heading directly for the ship's galley. Slick didn't need to ask what she was doing. He hadn't even mounted the step when he heard the distinct sound of a pressure seal being broken.

Once the Outcast within the air he immediately set course for Ryloth. Thanks to the notes found on the other team that had died in the palace, Era had deduced an alternate route that would avoid the Dead Road altogether. Calculations locked in he set the ship on auto-pilot. Slick had then taken it upon himself to contact Bura'Bon and inform him of their arrival.

At first, the old Twi'lek had been surprised and even a bit happy at their unexpected return. That happiness quickly dissolved into a sympathetic understanding. He assured him they'd take care of all the preparations and that the crew was welcome to stay in New Meen for as long as they needed. The outpouring of support had touched Slick in his already aching soul.

None of the crew had given it a second thought; returning to New Meen to lay Gare to rest. It just felt right. It was the closest place they had to a home base. They were all too numb to argue or think of an alternative anyway. They'd have to properly grieve at some point. Brooding would be the worse thing to do, but for now, crewmembers were dealing with the loss each in their way. At least he hoped they were.

What did he know about loss?

Slick was no stranger to death. As a hunter, he'd taken many a worthy prey's life, but always giving the beasts the respect they deserved. Then once he got out to the Outer Rim he learned that sentient life was a cheap commodity and taking life had become more a cost of doing business. But he'd never truly felt a loss.

His parents were still alive as far as he knew, living comfortably back on Pantora. Last he heard his sister Aris had married a financier named Arend. Though he hadn't spoken to them in some time, their parting had been amicable. His trophy hunts had brought their family great pride and had earned Slick a degree of freedom to pursue his own ventures.

Since leaving Pantora he'd only ever cared about one being and that was Madlyn. Then he met Jarek, picked up Era on Onderon. He'd only known Tersen and Gare in passing at Teemo's palace. Then they became a crew...and through the trials of life, sharing in joy, fear, and anger...somehow...they became a family.

"A dysfunctional one at that," he mumbled, smiling through the sadness, "but a family none the less." Gare had seen the manifestation long before any of them and though he hid it behind a mask of gruff indifference, he'd cared about them all. On more than one occasion he had put himself directly in the path of danger to protect them all. He'd allowed himself to be beaten by pirates, had his arm bitten off by a grabworm, and went toe-to-toe with an assassin droid, all to make sure his crew-his pack-would remain safe.

"Damn self-less fool," he said, choking up as a memory floated up from the depths of the hyperspace vortex.

They'd just returned to Nabat to take on another shipment of Ryll. While the cargo was processed and loaded the crew decided to take a few days of R&R. The reprieve had been very welcome. On the second day, he and Gare decided to have a shooting contest to determine who was the better marksmen. It was all in good fun with some healthy banter along the way. Twelve targets later they tied six each. Neither could seem to miss.

His chest tightened at the memory just as much as it filled him with fondness. Lifting the flask that Madlyn had left next to her chair. He raised a toast to the swirling iridescent lights beyond the view-port of the bridge. "I guess we will never know my friend." Smiling he took a long swig.

Surprisingly the whiskey which would've normally burned all the way down to his stomach barely scalded his throat. It had been sliced with a beverage. Madlyn must've been tapering herself off the brew. Slick had certainly noticed that since leaving Teemos' employ the Alderanni's consumption had waned in recent weeks. Perhaps because she was happy and not needing an excuse to numb her negative emotions.

That had most certainly changed.

Once he made sure the nav-computer wouldn't need any adjustments Slick stood. After casting one last look at the entrancing void, he headed for the ship's galley.

Madlyn was sitting at the table one hand cradling her head while the other gripped a half-empty bottle of alcohol. By the label, Slick could tell it was the same brew that had been in the flask. He doubted it had been diluted. Two additional bottles rested nearby, one empty and the other full.

She didn't even look up when he entered, and only acknowledged him when he took a seat next to her. "Sliiiick," she greeted a bit too cheerfully. With flushed cheeks and glazed eyes, she held up the bottle. "Want a drink?" she asked sloshing its contents, "I am toasting Gare." She may have been a bottle and half in, but her weres were just barely slurring. Anyone who didn't know Madlyn Kallos would've thought she was happily drunk. Slick knew better.

Smiling softly he shook his head. Maddy shrugged and took another drink, smacking her lips and sighing in over-exaggerated satisfaction. "We've barely left Pybus an hour ago, love." he said gently, "How'd you get drunk so fast?" The last time he recalled her ever by this hammered was when she'd lost her favorite swoop bike. That was when Slick had first met the troublemaker known as Madlyn Kallos. He hadn't regretted it.

She pressed a finger to her lips. "Shhh…" she then leaned in close and whispered in a conspiratorial tone, "Very carefully."

Sighing Slick picked up the empty bottle. Turning it over he read the label. "Calipsian Whiskey, triple fermented, six cycles old." Slick was by no means a connoisseur of alcohol but he knew enough to recognize that was a quality drink. He didn't recall that particular brand on their manifest the last time they took on supplies. It must've been one of many items left over from the freighters previous owners. "Those pirates had good takes."

Madlyn shrugged taking another gulp. "I thought it was Tharaxian Brandy," she mumbled indifferently. She stared intensely at the bottle clutched in her hand, "getting harder to read the labels. I guess it must be working."

The Pantoran didn't know what to say. Unlike Slick, the Alderanni knew what loss was. Both her parents were gone and she'd lived on her own for most of her life. He was barely coping with his own emotions. Maddy was dealing the only way she knew how; Avoiding the topic by getting herself so thoroughly obliterated she couldn't think straight. Slick knew it was self-destructive, and would only serve to exasperate whatever emotions she was feeling. He'd nursed her back to health whenever Maddy was buzzed, drunk, and hungover, but never grieving. It broke his heart.

Not knowing what else to do he went on instinct. Taking the bottle he took a long drink himself. Madlyn didn't argue. Misery loved company after all. Slick wasn't prepared to get drunk, but at the very least they could commiserate together. Once she'd had her fill he'd take her to their cabin to sleep it off. Somethings never changed it seemed, and she'd been doing so well.

"'We do what we need to keep each other alive.'" Her words took Slick by surprise. He'd heard Gare say something similar. Sh said them in an almost mocking fashion. "Because 'That's what family does.'" she added taking a long draft." It took the Pantoran a moment to realize she was quoting the Gank.

She scoffed before taking another drink. "He just had to go prove himself right. Jerk." Fingers clenched around the bottleneck so hard that Slick feared it might shatter. "With his cybernetics and attitude, and..." the tears dribbled down her face and off her chin. Madlyn looked over at him and their gazes connected. Her vision looked clearer and it became apparent the flush in her cheeks wasn't from the whiskey, it was from sadness. How had he missed that? Guiltity he realized he'd assumed based upon her past that she was drunk. She was drunk, but more than that...she was in pain. "I wish he were here," she mumbled chin quivering.

Reaching forward he rubbed the liquid off her face with the pad of his thumb. He felt ashamed he had seen the extent of her grief sooner. "I am so sorry Maddy," he said apologetically, "I hadn't realized how hard his death had hit you."

"I didn't like him," she stated doing her best to remain indifferent and failing, "Stars he was an arrogant bastard." Sighing she eyed the bottle but didn't take another swig. "But I respected him. Sometimes that's better than liking." She swirled the contents and her eyes took on a faraway contemplative look. "He did whatever it took to help the crew. He never gave in or hesitated, not if it meant protecting us." Slick knew exactly what she was referring too. "Not from hutts, pirates, or grabworms." Her chin started to tremble again as she rubbed at the fresh wave of tears. "He never changed himself to please anyone."

"Ah," Slick sighed realizing what Madlyn was trying to say.

"Don't 'ah' me." she snapped trying to sound angry, but only managed slight annoyance, "You sound like my flight instructors."

Smiling in understanding, Slick placed a consoling hand upon hers, and asked, "Seeing a bit of yourself in Gare?"

Madlyn sniffled but shook her head. "More like seeing what I wish I'd been," she said refusing to look at her boyfriend. He didn't have to see to recognize the angst in her voice. "I spent my whole life taking care of myself. Thinking about only myself. Trying to forget that scrum-rat from Alderaan."

And there it was. The source of her grief. Madlyn felt guilty. Guilty about how selfish she had been throughout her entire life and what that had cost her; her good name, her possessions, and almost her life. Gare, a slave since childhood, had done everything he could to obtain his freedom. Once he had the Gank had every opportunbity to run or betrayed them and he hadn't. Everything he'd done had been to serve and protect the crew of the Outcast in complete disregard of his personal safety or how it affected the group's perception of him. Gare had given all of himself fro a group of strangers and Madlyn had answered that selflessness with mistrust and cold indifference.

The cold knife twisted in Slick's gut when he reminded himself that he hadn't done much better. Even after Gare had saved him and Madlyn in the swamps he hadn't, and the shame of it would forever haunt him. "It's never that easy," he sighed regretfully.

"Why?" their gazes locked once again. Her dark eyes glistened with fresh anguish. "Why is it that the one of us that wants to live the most-who deserves to live the most-dies?" Her shoulders were shaking and the combination of grief and anger poured off of her. "And the ones that deserve to die...keep on living?" And her cheeks were dampened once more. "What's the message in that?"

Slick didn't know what to say. Life wasn't made up of happy endings and bright beginnings. It was a cruel mistress that gave just as easily as it took away. It didn't matter how skilled a pilot was with a ship and how fast a ,mercinary was with a blaster. One wrong move and reality would beat them to the ground and keep them there permanently if they let it. No Hutt, Pirate, or Empire would ever hit them as hard as life.

But Slick had learned the answer to that a long time ago. It wasn't how hard life hit them, it was how they reacted to those blows. They had to keep getting back up no matter how many times life sucker-punched them. Take the pain and move forward...one step at a time...one day at a time.

Madlyn started to take another drink when Slick stopped her. Ever so gently he lowered the bottle before removing it from her grasp entirely. Smiling he tenderly stroked her face. "The answer to that one isn't at the bottom of a bottle, my dear." She looked a frustrated and fit to argue but paused and his calming touch. "Its after the tears and the grief." Madlyn began to sob, but not in sadness. In relief. Taking her in his arms he cradled her as she wept. "And after a proper rest."

After a moment the sobbing paused but she remained pressed into his shoulder. "Tears and grief I've had plenty of," she said, her voice muffled by his jacket, but he felt the weakest of smiles spread across her lips. "I might need help to the cabin for the 'rest' bit."

Slick smiled in spite of the tears he hadn't realized he'd been shedding. Before standing he took the bottle and raised it in a toast. "Here's to Gare," he whispered. Rather than take a drink he pressed his lips to Madlyn's forehead. She shuddered but didn't pull away.

"Rest easy," she added softly, "you cybernetically enhanced, selflessly arrogant jerk...We'll miss you."