He couldn't shake it off; that jittery feeling. It was keeping him on edge, like an unwanted rush of adrenaline repeatedly washing over him. He blamed it on Shelby, as unfair as it might seem. All day before meeting her for their study 'date', he'd been horribly nervous. His mind had created about a dozen scenarios of things going wrong and he hadn't been too far off from the truth, in actuality. He would never be able to go back if that girl was still there, he couldn't face her after she scolded them for Shelby's behavior (and the absolutely ludicrous insinuation that she was hs girlfriend!). A part of him felt some resentment toward her, a sense of aggravation that once, just once she couldn't have toned it down somewhat and acted like a normal person. She couldn't have done it, could she? Ravi dreaded to think of the other days he would have to spend with her to finish this project if she had been that way earlier, what would the other times hold? It was worse, that being he couldn't ask Miss Zenon for a change of partner; who'd want to be his partner? He had no other option but to accept that he was stuck with her.
And then he'd be done.
He was anticipating it; yearning for it.
He could feel his conscious admonishing him for acting no better than the bullies at school, urging him to give Shelby a chance, a real chance because she might surprise him. If he was like his old self, he would have. He never wanted anyone to feel like an outsider, like when he first arrived in America and went to school where everyone else stared at him like he was some kind of freak (You are). But, the stubbornness was seeping through. Shelby must not have felt that way, she was way too jovial and generally, excluding whatever they might have been thinking about her association with him, people liked her. She was the refreshing breath of air that made her different from everyone else. Some of their classmates were the rich, snobby type and others weren't as bad; Shelby was genuinely a down-to-earth girl that he should've gotten along well with.
He just...couldn't.
He shifted his feet underneath of him, pulling his blanket up to his stomach. A few droplets of water fell down his face; his hair was still damp from the shower he just took. He'd been in the middle of washing it when Zuri had come banging (pounding with an iron fist) on the door, demanding (not having a little bit of courtesy to see how much longer he would be) that he get out now because she was next. Initially, he was going to yell back at her, to say that she was going to wait until it was her turn; but then he thought about it, about how they ordered him around with no disregard for him. She didn't deserve a response so he didn't give her one. The banging continued, nothing he couldn't drawn out with the water and a little humming. He should have known she would go for Jessie. Anything to get her way, of course. His stomach sank in dismay when he heard Jessie outside the door, trying to be patient and (semi) lecturing him on how they needed to compromise now that they were back in school and while he may have gotten away with taking long showers in the summer, he needed to shorten it to twenty.
With more aggression than the situation justified, he shut it off, drying off in a quick, ineffective (since he was still dripping) manner. He threw on his clothes, exiting the bathroom without so much as looking in Zuri's direction. Whatever she'd said to him, probably some snarky remark that he would've had to restrain himself on replying on, he didn't comprehend. It was probably for the best so Jessie didn't have a reason to ground him.
He sighed, annoyed. Perhaps a punishment might have been better, if it meant he was to be sent to his room for an unspecified amount of time. Jessie forced him out of there, claiming he needed to spend time with his family instead of being cooped up so much. He was entirely fine with the latter. How did she come to the conclusion that more family time was what he needed after she witnessed Zuri's tantrum for supposedly taking up all the hot water? Quite frankly, he knew what she was trying to do and it wasn't working, not in the slightest. She'd seen how his relationships with his siblings had deteriorated since she came to work for their parents and had taken it upon herself to fix it. Well, Ravi didn't want her to 'fix' it. He didn't need her to rescue him like he was some damsel in distress; like he was a broken china doll that needed to be put back together. He had everything under control himself. Perhaps, yes, he did miss being wanted by others (besides Mrs. Kipling) but he didn't miss it enough to have any desire to mend it (or have anyone do it for him). If he had to live the rest of his life without siblings (figuratively) then so be it.
He had to do it before and he'd do it again.
Ravi adjusted the pillow that was supporting his back, wiggling until he got into a more comfortable position. If he couldn't stay in his room like he wanted, he brought one of his books-that he'd read more times than he could count- down with him and planned on reading (or skimming, really. TV was too mind-numbing and he was too worn out to do anything strenuous) until he had to go to bed. A swift glance around the room had him internally snorting. Jessie wanted him downstairs for some family time but, to no surprise to him, none of them were around. Luke was out with some of his friends (he'd seen Jessie trying to call him for the sixth time just before he came down), Emma was locked up in her room with her music blaring and Zuri was probably on her phone, watching more videos or something that he couldn't bring himself to care about. Why was he getting told off when they could virtually do whatever they wanted (for the most part)?
He'd always known the rules varied for him then his siblings. They were irresponsible and he was the good, dependable kid that tried to always do what he was told without question. At first, he didn't mind so much (he hadn't minded much of anything for a while). He soon saw it went from being tolerable to downright unfair once he truly opened his eyes to it. Why did he have to finish the chores that they were supposed to finish but didn't because they knew they could? Why was it that when he made a mistake, i was somehow worse than when they did?
Why did they get to change while he had to keep being the same person they'd always known?
Talking to the school 'psychologist' would have been a huge joke. She only cared enough about student problems to where she wouldn't be sued for it. He had no one to turn to; it should have hurt him but he guessed he was so used to it that it didn't really matter anymore. It was hard to be taken seriously when you were considered everyone's object of ridicule. Not only that, he didn't feel like being patronized or told in a roundabout way that he was just being dramatic, that it was all in his head. That those feelings of rejection, of feeling unloved and unwanted, he just made it all up for attention.
That made his blood boil.
If anyone ever alluded to the very idea-
He might not have much self-control.
"Where were you?" Ravi tore his eyes away from the page (where he'd read and reread the same paragraph for about five minutes now). Zuri was suddenly in front of him, hands on her hips with a facial expression that indicated to him that she somehow as entitled to know.
"At the library studying," he replied even though he didn't have to tell her a thing. He spluttered indignantly when she grabbed the book and threw it across the room with ease. That was what he was talking-no regard for his personal property.
"Cut the crap," she scoffed in a way that was so reminiscent of the gossipy, popular girls at school. "Jessie said that you said you were with a girl and we all know that's not true."
Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.
"Excuse you but I was with Shelby!" he snapped, not able to keep his temperment at bay. "Not that it is any of your business."
She stared, a mixture of amazement (that he'd lost control) and miffed that she was talking to her that way (he would have liked to say a little more-but knew better). "What's your problem?"
"My 'problem'," he used air quotes, "is you. You're always in my business and I'm quite tired of it. And why do you care who I was with and what I was doing?"
"I don't," she shot back. "I just find it hard to believe you managed to find a girl to be around you. I'm surprised you haven't scared her away yet."
A flare of anger rushed through him. There it was again! Always having to remind him relentlessly about how girls never wanted to be around him because they thought he was so weird. It didn't matter that, maybe, it hurt him to hear it over and over again, on no, making fun of him was important than caring about his feelings.
"Shut up!" Impulsively, he got to his feet and shoved her with one hand. Zuri tumbed back a couple steps, shock written all over her face that he'd touched her like that. Deep down, he couldn't believe he did it either.
"You shut up!" she charged at him and shoved him back. Ravi was taller than her so he barely moved at all.
"Can't you just leave me alone?"
"You mean like everyone else?" she sneered.
Ravi's jaw was clenched. He didn't want to hurt her, despite how much of a pain she was being (which was an understatement). His hand was firmly into a fist; the raw anger was so overwhelming. He'd never been an overly violent person but in that moment, where his vision was spotty (most likely an icrease in blood pressure) he just wanted to hit something. Until it broke.
"And I'm telling Jessie that you shoved me!"
"You started it," he was aware that he was responding childishly but he didn't care all that much. "You were being rude to me first!"
"You're the one that lied!"
"How did I lie?"
"You wouldn't tell me who you were with earlier."
Good, God.
"I told you, I was with Shelby! We were working on our english project. And why am I explaining myself to you, anyway? It's none of your business who I'm with."
Zuri wasn't used to being told no or being put into her place since she came to live with them. She, essentially, lived the life of royalty and expected the same, grad treatment everywhere. "JESSIE!" she screamed.
Ravi glared at her, crossing his arms.
In mere seconds, a new record, Jessie came sprinting down the stares, breathlessly. "What's wrong? Who's hurt?"
"I am because Ravi shoved me!" Zuri whined.
Oh, she wasn't serious.
Unbelievable.
Jessie came to a halt in between them. He could feel the disapproval in the room. She turned her attention on him, looking kind of shocked. "Ravi, is that true? Did you shove Zuri?" she asked with skepticism.
"You don't understand! I was trying to read and-"
"I don't want a story," she cut in, sternly, "answer the question: did you shove Zuri or not?"
Unbeknownst to Jessie, Zuri smirked at him. His glare hardened.
"Ravi!" Jessie snapped.
"Yes!" for the second time that night, he lost his temper. "Yes, I shoved her but-"
"But nothing," her hands were at her temples and she looked so lost. "I don't know what to do with you kids. I have one that won't come home on time and you're shoving Zuri. What the-? Ravi, that's not like you."
Because you're the goody two shoes
"I think high school has changed him," Zuri supplied most unhelpfully. "And not for the better."
Jessie pursed her lips, eyebrows raised. "Upstairs. Bed. Now." She gave no room for argument, even when Zuri started to protest. "I don't want to hear it. You're taking too long to get up in the morning so I've pushed your bedtime back."
"That's not-"
"Life isn't fair," Jessie said unsympathetically. She pointed a finger in the opposite direction. "Go." In a miraculous turn of events, Zuri did what she was told (not without shoving past Ravi to get there).
"And don't even think about calling Christina because she agreed with me!"
Ravi sat back down, burying his head in his hands. He felt the couch cousin beside him sink down with added weight. Jessie tried to place a comforting hand on his shoulder but he shrugged it off.
She sighed.
"I know you don't want to talk."
For once, she was corrected.
"But I really think we should," Jessie insisted. "Something's up and if you don't feel like talking to me, I can call Christina or Morgan if that's what you want."
Ah, yes. Call his parents so they can throw out some awkward, half-hearted attempt at comforting him when they were most likely too busy to even answer their phones. That was exactly what he wanted.
"Ravi, I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong," Jessie practually pleaded.
Perhaps that is a sign I don't want your help
"Is it school? Is it too hard?"
It cannot be hard if I am not trying
"Are people bothering you again? Do I need to have a talk with Luke?"
You do not know the half of it and I sincerely doubt talking to Luke would solve anything
It would make it worse
Much worse
"Do you want me to talk to the principal? Or your parents? Look, it sucks, I know but you just have to pretend it doesn't bother you and they'll-"
"No one is bothering me!" Ravi exploded, his nose flaring. "Must you ask so many questions? I just wish to read quietly without being bothered. How can I do that when everyone insists on talking to me? I don't appreciate it."
Jessie was stunned into silence but only momentarily. "And I don't appreciate that tone of yours," she looked slightly unsure, then fell into that authoritative side with more ease. It was usually Luke that was receiving the brunt of it. "Look, Ravi, I want to helo you because I know you haven't been yourself lately but that's no excuse to act like a jerk. Do I have ground you like I did Luke? You'll stay home and-" she trailed off, realizing that he didn't go anywhere, "uh, I'll take away your phone and computer." That seemed to make much more sense in her mind, she nodded to herself.
Ravi lowered his eyes to the floor, having been fully pushed into a foul mood.
She continued, her tone softening, "I don't want to punish you, Ravi. You're a good kid. I just wish I knew what was up there," she gestured toward his head and he, instinctively, leaned back away from her. That did not go unnoticed. "Just take an easy, okay? And go apologize to Zuri."
He was going to protest, because it had been her fault that he shoved her but Jessie held up a hand. "I don't want to hear it. I don't care who started it, I'm ending it. You kids know better than to lay a hand on each other. You're lucky I'm not grounding you for that. Now, go apologize before bed while I try to track down your brother and not kill him."
This is ridiculous
I should not have to be the one to apologize
What about Zuri? Why does she not have to apologize?
"No," it took all of three seconds to grasp that he'd said it aloud.
Jessie's gaze flickered to him, apparently caught off guard that he'd said it, too. She didn't say anything immediately, probably giving him time to retract. When he didn't, she made a few surprised noises. "Excuse me?" she tried to sound firm and failed. "Did you just tell me no?"
"Yes," he felt more confident than he should have, "I did. Why should I be the one made to apologize? Zuri shoved me, too."
"Ravi, you're older. You should know better."
"So should she!"
"Ravi," she sounded dangerously close to snapping, "I'm not arguing with you about this. You're going to march up those stairs and do what you're told. Am I clear?"
He stared at her straight in the eye.
"Am. I. Clear?"
"Are you?" he asked coolly.
He was sick; sick of being run over. That was going to change and it was starting now.
"That's it! I've enough of this. Are you trying to get grounded? Because I should warn you, you're very, very close. I've already told you once, I'm not arguing with you over this. I want you to go upstairs and apologize to Zuri or so help me, I'll drag you up there myself and I assure you, you won't like it if that happens."
The threat was there, looming over them like a thunderous cloud. Ravi should have, should have listened wisely and backed down. But he was already so far gone and he didn't care anymore. The anger was bubbling just under the surface and he couldn't deal with it. It was burning him.
He was burning.
"I don't understand what's gotten into you," Jessie's shoulders slumped and he took in account of how exhausted she was. "You were always the good kid. I thought I'd have it easy with you, but I guess I was wrong." That might have stung at a previous time. "I don't know if you're trying to rebelle to be cool or if this is just a phase but I'm begging you to stop. We don't deserve this and neither do you. You're only going to hurt yourself and I'd hate to see your future ruined by some stupid decision. You're smarter than that, Ravi. I know you are."
You don't know anything about me
Stop trying to act as though you do
"And I was serious about what I said: if you ever want to talk, I'm here. I'll listen. I promise you, I will."
I'd rather talk to Luke...if that gives you any indication
She seemed to hopeful, like she thought her speil was going to magically fix everything and he would break down, begging for forgiveness and things would turn out alright again after a heart-to-heart talk.
"I want to go to bed," he cut in-her face dropped-, "Goodnight, Jesse."
"I'm not done-"
Her voice became distant when he abruptly left (he almost expected her to follow him), going back to his bedroom but not before throwing a dirty look in the direction of Zuri's door. He flopped down on the bed, closing his eyes.
He assumed it would all smooth over soon enough. Luke would (eventually) come back forcing Jessie's attention on him; instead of worrying over Ravi, she would be focused on yelling and threatening Luke with punishments for being so late. He knew she wasn't serious about calling his parents; it was a bluff she had used many times and all of his siblings knew it had no withstanding. Jessie never wanted their parents to think she couldn't handle them (when usually she couldn't) so in order to appear picture-perfect, she handled all of their messes, their mistakes and situations herself.
Besides, she never cared long enough about Ravi to take some action. She'd said something when he wanted to redecorate his room but that one time mention was about it. He hadn't heard anything else since.
That's because no one ares about you
You're too much
They all get tired of you sooner or later
Shelby will too
Face it, you're just a nobody that nobody wants to deal with
You're a mistake, a mistake that should've been taken care of a long time ago
You're all alone and you always will be
His heart clenched. He pushed back the tears that welled in the corner of his eyes. He was not going to cry over something so trivial.
He...he wasn't weak.
But you are
You hate it when you're reminded because you know it's true
Ravi is weaaaaak
Weaaaaak
Stop it! Stop it! He firmly pressed his hands on either side of his head, his breathing increasing.
He wasn't crazy...he wasn't crazy.
Right?
Or was that what crazy people kept repeating to themselves so they were convinced?
His phone buzzed-startling him.
Who could be-oh. It was only Shelby. Fantastic. He'd hoped that she wouldn't text him but alas, like everything else in his life, it never went the way he would have liked it to.
Hey bestie!
Are you busy? I'd hate to bother you if you are. I know I get annoyed (He didn't think it was possible for her to get annoyed) when people bother me so if I ever do it to you, just tell me. Whatcha up to? I'm kinda bored. My brother was helping me with my math homework-did you finish it? It's so hard! Oh and when do you wanna meet up again? I'm done with my paper so all we have to do, I think, is act out our scene. Isn't that exciting? I can't wait to do it. I was talking to Isabella and she told me that if you're nervous, just look ahead at something. Everyone will think you're looking at them but you're not. Isn't that genius? Isabella is so smart. She's trying to graduate early, I think she will. Emily's already been told that if she slacks off again she'll have to do summer school to graduate. She's had to do it since 8th grade. Have you ever been to summer school? I almost did, for math. Luckily my brother knows it and he's able to explain it or Isabella, she has too. You probably haven't, you're pretty smart.
He reread the paragraph twice. Good, Lord. That was unreasonably long. He could, more or less, hear her voice as he read it.
Nothing. I'm doing nothing
He hit send.
Are you bored, too? Ooo we should video chat! That'd be fun, don't you think? I can't talk for much longer, I have to go to bed in 45 mins but until then, we can talk! Isn't that great?
Fabulous.
I'd rather not
He would also rather not do anything but wallow in self-pity but he didn't like waking up to his phone blown up by a large amount of text messages.
That's okay! We can just text. We should go to my house the next time we have to get together! My parents would love to meet you! Or I can go to your house! Unless you wanna go somewhere else. I'm fine with that too. I dunno about you but I love this project! It's fun and so is hanging out with you!
She was really laying it on a bit thick. He was hardly a pleasure to work with; that was her way of trying to seem like all was fine and dandy. He knew better.
If we must, let's go to the park
He'd find a shaded, secluded area. That way, without many people around, she would have less of a chance at embarrassing him (or increasing the risk of getting kicked out. He was still sore about it).
Okay! Sounds god to me
Good** dumb autocorrect. Don't you just hate that? I wanna turn mine off but then I need help spelling lol
He didn't have that problem. Partly due to not receiving many messages, he would carefully read and type to avoid any errors.
I should go. I'm tired
It was under a minute later when she replied-seriously, she must have super speed or something.
Aww really? That sucks. I'm kinda tired but not really. We had ice cream after dinner and I had a lot of chocolate syrup so maybe that's why. I dunno. But I wanna do something and I have nothing to do. Don't you just hate that? It's dumb. I miss my old house. Me and my friends used to go in the woods all the time. It was so pretty. I saw owls out all the time. Have you ever seen an owl? I wanna take a picture of one but they always move! Ooo sometime you should totally come with me back home! You can meet all my friends! Caleb won't feel so lonely-he's the only guy in our group, I think I told you that. I miss them so much. Maybe in the summer or after we graduate, I can go back for a bit. Are you planning on moving once you graduate? I think I will. Maybe not back home but I dunno if I wanna stay in NY forever. That'd be boring, ya know? Maybe I'll go back to the country. I like it better than the city. It's nice here but it's different.
His eyes were starting to burn from the light-his room was pitch black except for the light emitting from his cell phone.
She sent one more message after that.
Goodnight Ravi! I'll see ya tomorrow!
Finally, some silence.
