Chapter 4 – Good
The lake was extraordinarily peaceful at dusk.
It unfolded before her, smooth as a sheet of new glass, as Alex perched on the end of the slightly lopsided wooden dock, gazing out at the mounting dark. The sun had just dipped below the horizon and the sky began its routine fade to black. The moon was full that night and brighter than she had realized was possible. As the light retreated behind the horizon, it ballooned until its reflection dominated the surface of the water below. The breeze had died earlier that afternoon and, with it, the small waves that had started the day lapping away at the shore. The only visible interruptions in the calm façade were the ripples made by fish scouring the surface for a meal.
It was easy to believe, out there alone on the dock, that she was unequivocally alone in the world.
The thicket of trees that surrounded Bobby's cabin ran all the way down to the water and blocked the view of any neighbors. The only clue to their existence was the matching docks that jutted out at random intervals along the shore. Across the lake, she could just barely make out the tiny squares of illumination that issued from the windows of cabins on the adjacent coast.
The day had been warm but the evening introduced a nip of cold to both the air and the lake. When Alex had first kicked off her sandals and slipped her feet into the water, it had registered as only slightly cool. Now, as the sky darkened, the water temperature dropped several degrees and sent sharp icy prickles of pain through the nerves in her feet. Together the cool air and cool water set her teeth chattering and sent shivers zipping along the surface of her skin.
Despite the chill that was rapidly setting up shop in her bones, she made no effort to leave. The physical discomfort in her body was a welcome distraction from the cacophony in her mind.
Welcome to the Twilight Zone.
Today had not been at all what Alex had expected. She had accepted the assignment and all that accompanied it in the hopes of correcting the trajectory of her life, of escaping this unexpected detour through hell, but the first few hours in Maine had only served to knock her further off course. If she had felt off-kilter before, she was completely unbalanced now, so far from what she knew and where she was comfortable. The solid footing she had counted on finding was crumbling beneath her.
Bobby.
She had sought him out like the North Star, like the lighthouse in the night that would guide her home. Consistent, predictable in his unpredictability and instability, reliable. Always there, always occupying the same place in her world. But he wasn't, not anymore. He wasn't at all where she had expected to find him and that left her floating out at sea, lost, directionless. He wasn't the same Bobby that she remembered. For a reason that Alex couldn't quite bring herself to face, that made her angry.
No, he's not the Bobby you knew. He's even better. New and improved. Bobby 2.0. What type of person does that make you that you would begrudge him that?
All through dinner, Alex had been trying to put her finger on what exactly had changed. In many ways he WAS still the Bobby she knew – eccentric, intelligent, kind , gentle– but something had shifted. He smiled more often and laughed more easily. There was a confidence about him now, a serenity, a sense that he was comfortable in his own skin. She knew from the latter portion of his time with Major Case that his work with Dr. Gyson had been producing positive results, but the improvements had only been subtle then. They were far from subtle now.
And then there was Faith.
She hadn't expected Faith. The possibility that Bobby would have been in a relationship never once crossed her mind, perhaps because the entire time Alex had known him, he never had been. Alex hadn't either of course, not a serious one, but for some reason she had always assumed that she would find someone first. Once she moved past the shock of the initial introduction, she found herself analyzing their interactions far closer than she cared to admit. The genuine affection between them was obvious in the glances, the touches and the banter. Before long, Alex was feeling like a very clunky third wheel.
And lonely. Don't forget lonely.
It didn't help that Faith was positively lovely. She was one of those people you loved even though you wanted to hate – intelligent, funny, beautiful and charming. She immediately put anyone in her sphere at ease and made them feel important. It was easy to see why Bobby had fallen for her. She had a graduate degree, worked at a well-respected marketing firm in Portland and moonlighted as a yoga instructor a few nights a week. She radiated health, vitality, good spirits, energy and enthusiasm.
Pretty much everything you do not.
The whole situation left her feeling absurdly injured, rejected and inferior. Logically, Alex knew it was ridiculous and petty. Emotionally, she was bitter, envious and resentful. Just when she had needed him to be Bobby, the Bobby she knew so well, he had changed and left her unmoored. She could not get out of that cabin quickly enough. Once the dishes were clean and Bobby had seen Faith off with a kiss, Alex had immediately bolted outside, craving fresh air. He had let her go without so much as a word and she had spent the last half hour sitting by the water, cursing herself for coming and wishing she were anywhere else in the world.
The sound and vibration of heavy feet on the dock dragged her from her reverie.
Speak of the devil . . . .
Hackles rising at the prospect of his presence, Alex's entire body tensed until the edges of the wooden planks beneath her dug into the back of her thighs. A complicated blend of anger and sadness made her scalp tingle. She didn't turn to greet him, electing instead to stare down intently at the distorted image of her feet in the water. Gripping the edge of the dock hard, she clenched her teeth to try to stop the shivers that, just moments before, she had welcomed to wrack her body.
No weakness.
She felt the soft caress of a blanket wrapping around her shoulders before he spoke.
"You've got to be freezing."
And just like that, he disarmed her. The misplaced anger drained from her system, leaving behind a hollow emptiness. At some level, she wanted to shrug off the proffered blanket and insist that she was fine, but truth was she was frozen. The blanket was warm and Alex drew it tight over her shoulders for both comfort and protection.
"Thanks."
She didn't turn to look but could sense him hovering uncertainly behind her. "Can I . . . uh . . . sit?"
"Of course. It's your dock." Alex's tone, which she had meant to keep light and airy, just came out flat.
The weathered wood creaked under his weight as Bobby lowered himself down beside her, unfolding his long limbs one by one. Gingerly, he stuck a toe in the water to test the temperature before sliding his legs down into the lake. If he found it cold, it wasn't obvious. A mosquito landed on Bobby's arm almost immediately and he brushed it away as Water Striders skipped across the glassine surface between them.
Eager to avoid a repeat of the uncomfortable silence from earlier, Alex launched into conversation immediately "So . . . Faith, huh?"
Bobby smiled as he looked out over the water at the last dying vestiges of light. "Yeah . . . Faith."
"How long have you been together?" She had been dying to know but hadn't wanted to ask in Faith's presence. Not knowing the answer to that question made her feel like a horrible friend. She certainly didn't want to let Faith know that she knew far less about their relationship than Faith knew about Alex.
You used to know him better than anyone. Can't say that anymore.
Bobby glanced up at the stars, frowning lightly as he did some quick mental arithmetic. "Six months now I guess."
Half a year. And you had no idea.
Alex nodded slowly and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. The imprint of the whorls of the wooden plank was etched into her palm and she picked at a sliver that had burrowed itself into her skin. "Why didn't you tell me? About Faith."
Bobby cleared his throat and twisted his hands together in his lap.
"I wanted to. But you never returned my phone calls. Or emails."
It was a gentle, matter-of-fact statement, devoid of judgement or anger, but a hot rush of guilt still flooded her cheeks.
"I'm sorry, Bobby."
He shrugged. "It's okay. I'm sure you've been busy."
Alex bit back a choke of hysterical laughter. Oh yeah. Soooo busy. Busy feeling sorry for myself.
"Faith seems great. Really nice." She meant it, but something still constricted painfully in her chest as she spoke the words. "I'm happy for you Bobby. You deserve someone special."
Bobby ducked his head a few times in rapid nods before clearing his throat again. Far out on the water, a loon called to its mate.
"How about you? Are you . . . uh . . . seeing anyone?"
Alex shook her head, finally extricating the splinter from her palm and tossing it in the water. "No."
She momentarily felt an urge to rationalize her single status but couldn't think of anything particularly meaningful to say so she stopped there. Sensing Bobby's eyes on her, she turned her head to stare out at the small wooded island that rose from the lake miles away to their left.
When she didn't elaborate, Bobby picked up the conversational baton again. "Things are good with you, though, right?"
A piece of Alex wanted to confide in Bobby, to reveal the hell she had been through and her continued struggle. That part screamed out in frustration, begged to be released, while another voice reminded her that she would have no idea where to start. And that she might not be able to stop once she did. It would make her vulnerable, and she didn't do vulnerable. It exhausted her to even contemplate lancing that wound so she didn't bother trying. She had been over the situation ad nauseam with her department appointed shrink already. It was time to press on.
Fake it until you make it.
"Oh yeah. Things are great."
"Yeah?" Bobby crooked his head to the side and leaned over, drawing her attention as she had seen him do a million times before with suspects and witnesses alike. She fell for it just as they had and found herself looking him directly in the eye.
Right away, Alex knew that he would see straight through her lie. It shouldn't have surprised her - that was his specialty after all – but she felt panicky all the same, desperate to allay any of his concerns lest he start digging too deep. Ripping her eyes away from his, she started to babble to cover her uneasiness.
"Oh yeah. For sure. Not living the retirement dream like you, but doing well. Trying to slow down a bit. Work less, play more, you know."
Shut up, Eames. Loose lips sink ships.
Bobby swatted at a flying insect that buzzed around their ears. "That's good. And you're all, uh . . . healed?"
As it always did when she was reminded of that day over a year ago, a swell of nausea rose from her stomach and pressed threateningly against the back of her throat. "Yeah, yeah. Healed up good".
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
Bobby nodded and finally released his gaze from her face, returning it to the dark water. "Good, that's good."
With the edge of the dock now starting to slice uncomfortably into her legs, Alex shifted her weight from side-to-side to relieve some of the pressure. The movement sent the blanket cascading off her right shoulder and pooling behind her back. She went to pull it back up but Bobby beat her to it, quietly slipping the blanket over her shoulder again.
When their fingers brushed together, a warm tickle spread through her stomach, extinguishing the nausea. She allowed herself to revel in the pleasant buzz for only a moment before she snuffed it out.
Are you really that desperate, Eames?
Wrapping the blanket around her so tight that it nearly cut off her circulation, Alex took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I should get to bed. Big day tomorrow."
Bobby's eyes followed her as she slid back on the dock and hauled herself up to a standing position, brushing some debris off her legs.
"Okay. Let me know if you need anything."
"I will. Goodnight Bobby."
Alex was three quarters of the way off the dock when he called her name. Turning to face him, she saw that Bobby had pivoted on the dock, one leg bent and resting on the wood while the other still dangled in the water. She couldn't see his expression, shadowed as it was by the powerful moonlight, but his voice was low and serious when he spoke.
"You know you can talk to me, right? About anything. Just like we used to."
Yeah, well that was back then. Things are different now. We're both different now.
Sighing quietly, Alex looked up at the moon, globular and magnificent, and lied for the second time in as many minutes.
"I know, Bobby."
Turning quickly, she practically jogged the short distance back to the cabin.
