Chapter 10 – Intentions

Her hands trembled the entire way home.

She had stood there for a long time, motionless and alone on the dunes, processing her conversation with Faith. It was as if the shock of the seaside revelation had instilled ice in her veins, effectively freezing her in place. When she finally collected her wits and was able to move again, she had stumbled back up to the Ocean Gateway as if her feet were on backward. The world had tilted on its axis twice that night – the first with a passionate kiss and the second with that rancorous disclosure. The net effect had her completely off balance. It took all the brain power she could muster to find her way back inside, to their mercifully empty table, grab her cell phone and call an Uber.

It was all a lie.

The young driver attempted to make conversation but Alex rudely ignored him, cramming herself into the far corner of the Audi's rear leather seats. After a few minutes he abandoned the effort with a shrug, cranking up the satellite radio and singing along tunelessly. Stars pockmarked the night sky above, growing brighter as the lights of the city receded behind them. Leaning her head back against the headrest, she closed her eyes wearily and tucked her shaking hands under her thighs. The narrative of the last eight days had changed so drastically that she could almost have convinced herself it had been a dream.

You never should have come.

She hadn't realized just how much Hannah's confidence in her skills and expertise had truly meant until she found out it had never really existed. After a year of failure, it had brought hope; a hope that had now been snuffed out. It had been a pity invite, nothing more. She had ridden in on Bobby's coattails, not on her own merit.

Story of my life.

Anger and embarrassment warred with the despair that accompanied the loss of that precious perceived competence. It was clear that Bobby and Hannah had been talking about her, about how she had been struggling, and that thought was absolutely mortifying. She had purposely withheld details of her demotion from Bobby, too ashamed to admit to that particular shortfall, yet he had known all along. And hadn't told her. Instead, he had allowed her to believe a lie. He had betrayed her trust.

And not for the first time. Why would you expect anything different?

Back at the empty cabin, Alex made a beeline for her room, kicking off her heels as she went. She immediately removed her dress, crumpling it up into a ball and tossing it into the wire wastebasket before slipping into her usual summer attire of jean shorts and a tank top.

To hell with this whole night.

Alex dragged her luggage out of the closet and launched it on her bed. Yanking open the bureau, she began shoving clothes almost violently into the suitcase's maw. Distracted by her misery, she missed the approach of his Jeep and the slam of the car door. It was the click of the key in the lock and the sound of the screen door snapping closed that drew her back to the moment. Her body tensed involuntarily as his heavy footfalls drew closer and grew louder. Turning her back to the doorway, she threw all of her energy into opening drawers and stuffing her suitcase, mentally preparing herself to ignore him.

"Where're you going?"

When she eventually grudgingly glanced up, Bobby was leaning against the door frame as if holding it in place. His hair was disheveled, his heavy linen jacket creased. He had removed his tie and undone the top few buttons of his dress shirt, exposing a small swath of chest. Although the kiss now seemed a lifetime ago, imprisoned as it was behind a bad memory, sullied and dirty, it was still vivid and woke her primal side. She had to fight the urge to eliminate the distance between them, undo the rest of the buttons and let her hands, and then her lips, leisurely explore the exposed skin.

Stop it.

From his hangdog expression, Alex could tell that Faith had brought Bobby up to speed on their conversation. He didn't appear at all surprised to find her there, packing. He looked subdued instead, possibly even remorseful, which raised her ire even more.

You knew it was wrong. And you did it anyway.

Lips pressed into a thin line, Alex continued ripping the bureau drawers open far more aggressively than was necessary.

"I've rented an Airbnb in Portland for the rest of this teaching gig."

Bobby's dark eyes watched her dump armfuls of clothes into her suitcase. "I wish you would, uh . . . stay."

Alex laughed mirthlessly as she grabbed her purple toiletries bag off the nightstand. "Well, I wish you hadn't been scheming with my Captain behind my back. We don't always get what we want, Bobby. You should know that better than anyone."

"I'm sorry."

The apology was more readily forthcoming than she had anticipated and it surprised her just a little, even though it was still hardly sufficient.

"I just didn't know what else to, to do."

"How dare you!" Alex slammed her compact so hard into her toiletries bag that the disc of powder snapped, dissolving into chunks and piling up on one side of the plastic like a landslide. "How dare you gossip about me with my Captain. MY Captain, Bobby, not yours, not anymore. This is MY life and you intentionally went and meddled in it and told everyone else BUT me what you were doing. How in the hell do you think that makes me feel?! It's embarrassing. You made me look like a complete fool."

Bobby squared his shoulders and straightened as a flicker of fire ignited in his eyes. He kept his voice level but notes of indignant strain snuck through.

"I was worried."

"Well you could have just fucking told me that!" Alex snapped, glaring at him as she scooped the rest of her cosmetics off the top of the bureau. "That's what normal people do, Bobby. Not this cloak-and-dagger routine."

"No, I actually couldn't have!" Bobby exploded, his face reddening and creasing with anger. "Because you stopped answering my phone calls. And my emails. You slowly vanished out of my life . . . without even a second thought or an explanation why. After 12 years of partnership. And friendship. How the hell do you think that made ME feel?"

"Oh no, you are NOT blaming me for that. No, no, no." She jerked the zipper on her toiletries bag closed and hurled it into her suitcase before pointing a finger squarely at him. "It's YOU who walked away, Bobby. Just when we were finally finding our groove again. YOU made the decision to end our partnership."

Bobby de-escalated as quickly as he had escalated, color draining from his face and hands relaxing at his sides. Squeezing his eyes shut, he took a deep breath and released it slowly.

"Our partnership. Not our friendship. And even that was the hardest decision I ever made . . . in my life. Because of you. Because of my feelings . . . for you. And believe me, it's a decision, I've . . . uh regretted."

"Oh come off it," Alex scoffed, slamming closed the lid of her suitcase. "You're happier than I've ever seen you. Your life is fucking perfect. What is there to regret?"

Bobby's shoulders slumped slightly and he resumed his lean against the white wood frame, avoiding her glare. "What happened . . . to you. If I hadn't left . . ."

Feeling all of the fight suddenly evaporate from her body, Alex plopped down on the bed with a sigh, springs squeaking under the pressure. "Oh Bobby. You can't possibly blame yourself for that."

He shook his head, staring out the window into the dark where the stars shone like polished gems. "Not for, for the accident. But for putting you on the path to it. If I hadn't . . . left, maybe you wouldn't have joined the Task Force. Maybe then you wouldn't have ended up getting hurt . . ."

Alex pinched the bridge of her nose to ward off an impending headache. "That's silly. What happened had nothing to do with you."

Pushing off the door frame, Bobby took a few cautious steps forward and tentatively lowered himself on the edge of the bed beside her, still avoiding her gaze. "I know that . . . logically. But seeing you in that hospital bed, I felt so, so powerless . . . and I would have done anything to make it go away."

Finally, he met her eyes, expression serious. "I still would."

"That's a really nice sentiment, Bobby." Alex removed the clear elastic from her hair and began unwinding her braid absently. As the strands emerged from their coiff, they cascaded around her face in gentle waves. "But there's nothing you could have done."

"I wish you would have at least let me try to help. But you shut me out. In the hospital . . ." Bobby fidgeted beside her, clearly distressed. ". . . and ever since."

Deflated, Alex sighed. "I'm sorry about that. It was hard for me, after you retired. Harder than I thought it would be. I was happy for you, I was, but I was also a bit lost. And then after the incident, I was just a wreck. I didn't want to talk to anyone."

Bobby twisted his hands together in this lap. "And I'm sorry that I misled you, I really am. But when you stopped responding, I became . . . uh, desperate. When I heard how much you were struggling, I got scared. Scared that I was going to get a call that you were . . ."

He broke off, swallowing hard, and left that thought to hang in the air.

"I didn't feel like I had a choice. I thought if I could just get you here . . . I could help."

You have helped, Bobby. Damn you, you have.

Alex drew a deep breath and exhaled slowly, rolling her shoulders to try to release tension. "I appreciate your concern, Bobby. I do. But it doesn't give you the right to do what you did. You made me look like a naive idiot. How would you feel if you found out that two people you respect and admire were talking about you behind your back?"

"I know exactly what that feels like," Bobby snapped, an edge of sharpness momentarily creeping back into his tone. "I'm the whackjob, remember?"

Alex flushed pink as his barb sunk in, suddenly reminded of all the times she herself had stood in her Captain's office, talking about Bobby. It was to defend him, sure, to justify his behavior, with the best of intentions, but still . . .

Is what Bobby did really any different than that?

"You're not a whackjob, Bobby. You never were."

Bobby rubbed the heel of his palm into an eye. "You're the only one who ever, uh, believed that. I thought you would have been glad to be rid of me when I retired."

Alex smiled lightly and then grew somber again, swept away by a sudden tsunami of mental and emotional exhaustion. "It wasn't the same. You're the best, Bobby. You really are."

Bobby brushed her now loose and wavy hair back behind her shoulder, his fingers grazing over the delicate skin of her collarbone and leaving a tingle in their wake. "I'm sorry I . . . uh . . . hurt you."

She shook her head slowly, trying to quiet the buzz of anticipation that had started to build in her body with even that most light of touches.

"I honestly thought I had gotten this job based on my abilities. Not on pity. And I needed that, Bobby. I really did."

Bobby tilted his head in acknowledgement. "Well, regardless of how you got the job, you've made a hell of an impression."

Alex snorted, fiddling with the gold bracelet she had forgotten to shuck with her dress. "Yeah, but not a good one."

"No, you have." Bobby shifted slightly beside her, rubbing his hands over the fabric of his pants. "I ran into the Police Chief on my way out of the venue. He was singing your praises. Really talking you up."

Alex rolled her eyes but secretly felt a rush of pleasure. They sat in silence for a moment, shoulder to shoulder, both of them staring down at the intricate pattern of the carpet. She could sense the edge of a precipice beneath her toes and her mind agonized over the decision to turn back or step over.

It was Bobby who ended up giving voice to her internal struggle. "So . . . where do we go . . . from here?"

I don't know. I really don't. Everything is so . . . complicated now.

Alex shrugged sadly. "I'm not sure. But I think we could both use some space, to think."

Bobby went very still for a moment. She could sense his body tense and then relax before he nodded.

"You're probably right."

With significant but reluctant effort, Alex hauled herself up to a standing position and zipped up her suitcase. One of the wheels caught on the duvet as she dragged it off the bed, causing it to bunch up beside Bobby.

"I'll call you. In a few days."

By the time she had lugged all of her possessions to her rental car, Bobby had disappeared out to the back deck. She didn't say goodbye before driving away.