Note: Hi, everyone. We want to say thank you for reading this... interesting story. The fact that people keep responding positively to this dumb work of art is astonishing, heartwarming, and honestly, a little bit disturbing. It's certainly made getting through finals week a hell of a lot easier, so thank you for that. We aren't planning on continuing this story for much longer; we'll probably stop at chapter six or seven, just because 1) we don't know how much longer we can push this joke, and 2) we want to get back to writing the RWBY fanfic that we ACTUALLY put a lot of time and effort into. Speaking of that (shameless plug), if you wouldn't mind giving that story a try, we'd appreciate that. It's a RWBY Vol. 1 rewrite that's dark and violent as fuck, and also way too goddamn long. You can find it on our profile page as literally the only other RWBY fic we've written. Just don't read the Chopped fanfiction. Please don't read the Chopped fanfiction.

Anyway, this is less of a strictly sex joke chapter and more of a plot-heavy (I guess) chapter, so enjoy what can technically be passed as storytelling.


Ruby was the first to speak up. "Sa… Salem?"

"Um, yes?" Salem said, awkwardly twiddling her thumbs. "You know, is this a bad time? Should I come back later?"

Ruby's daze broke completely. "Get her!"

Suddenly, Team RWBY sprang into action—or at least, they attempted to. Ruby stood up, pushing past her two friends trying to pin her to the couch, and she quickly removed the distraction that was her shredded dress and cape. Why she also took off her underwear was anyone's mystery, though she did take her panties and ball them up into a big wad and chuck it as hard as she could at Salem's head in a desperate opening salvo. The Grimm Queen didn't even flinch when the ball bounced softly off her cheek, and mostly just stared in confusion at the naked silver-eyed warrior charging toward her with her arms raised above the air, letting out a tremendous battle cry. Weiss, without her sword by her side, shrugged and followed Ruby's lead, charging toward Salem with clenched fists. Blake tried to follow Ruby's lead, but when she tried to climb off the couch, her legs got caught beneath the gargantuan pile of her friends' clothing, and she ended up sprawling over the side of the chair, falling face-first to the floor as she slipped slowly out of her loosened pants, her exposed ass sticking straight up in the air.

And Yang? Yang just stood there, staring with saucer eyes at Salem's massive chest.

There was a lot of screaming and chaos that ensued, enough to finally drag Qrow away from the alcohol and into the living room to see what all the fuss was about. When he stepped inside, it took him a few moments in his drunken state to process everything, but eventually, he managed to take it all in. There was Salem—or some hot lady who closely resembled Salem—standing in the doorway, with his naked niece wrapped around her back trying to lock her in a chokehold while screaming like a maniac. With one hand Salem tried to rip the Huntress from her back, while her other hand was wrapped tightly around the throat of an almost naked Weiss, who half-looked like she was struggling to free herself but also had this lustful, pleased smile on her face as Salem's grip on her neck became more intense. Blake was still trying to wriggle herself free from her pants, her booty bouncing up and down as she tried to scooch free, and his other nearly nude niece was slouched over and drooling over the woman his first nude niece was trying hard to murder.

He looked down at the bottle in his hand and sighed. "Man, what the hell do they put in this stuff?"

Weiss, still technically fighting back, reached forward and clawed at her assailant. Her fingers latched onto the first thing they could find, which just so happened to be the big, beautiful mounds that Yang was enraptured with, and in her struggle, she ended up pulling one of them free from the confines of the dress. Exposed to the cold air, her nipple stiffened as the boob bounced freely in the open, causing Yang's tongue to hang out of her mouth as she let out a lustful moan. The wardrobe malfunction forced Salem to release a vicious growl.

"Okay, that's enough!" she cried. "Hands off the fucking merchandise!"

Pools of darkness suddenly spawned around her, and from them came swarms of blood-red tendrils that reached up and captured Ruby and Weiss effortlessly. The slimy round things tied up their arms, slipping their way around their thighs and their stomachs, crisscrossing around their breasts and tying them up into neat little packages which were quickly thrown against the ground. Blake finally managed to free herself from her bottoms, and she stood up just in time to get captured by the tendrils as well. And then, since she was in the mood, Salem flicked her wrist and captured Qrow in the tendrils too. She sighed as she adjusted her dress and looked around at the Huntsman and Huntresses struggling to free themselves. She had to be honest: She was expecting more of a fight. They were the infamous Team RWBY, the team that had survived countless encounters with her Grimm, the team that dominated during the Vytal Festival, the team that stopped her assault on Haven Academy. And yet when push came to shove, all they did was throw themselves at her like a bunch of naked baboons. It wasn't even remotely satisfying.

Salem glanced up toward Yang, and sneered at the last remaining human who could stop her. Yang, seemingly finally embracing the gravity of the situation, looked at the Grimm Queen in terror.

And then she kept looking at her.

And then she kept looking at her.

And then she kept looking at her.

And then Yang flashed a cocky grin and pointed two finger guns at Salem. "Hey, babe. How you doing?"

Salem looked at Yang once.

Then she flicked her wrist, and Yang was knocked back and tied to the couch by a mass of tentacles. It was not nearly as fun as she thought it would be.


Emerald stumbled across Oscar as she was completing her sweep of the premises. He was sulking about one of the farmhouses when she captured him through the tried-and-tested method of threatening to shoot him with a gun if he didn't cooperate. Under normal circumstances, he may have fought back, but he was in a slightly dark and confusing place, so he didn't really bother. With him led back to the main house, Salem made quick work of tying him up as well, as she suddenly had six of her greatest enemies all bound in a line on the carpet before her. She strode confidently across the room, holding the Relic of Knowledge in her hands. Emerald stood in the back, thinking of two things. One was imagining what horrible things Salem was going to do to her hostages, and the second was how proud she was of her master's incredible bad bitch energy.

Qrow, still rather drunk but with enough wits about him to understand how fucked they were, muttered angrily. "I can't believe it. I leave you girls alone for ten minutes and this happens."

"Uncle Qrow, this wasn't our fault," Ruby tried to explain.

"You really couldn't resist having sex with each other?" Qrow said disappointedly. "Ruby, she's your sister. Show some restraint."

"Hey, she came onto me," Ruby protested.

"She's Yang. Of course, she'd come onto you," Qrow said dismissively. "She constantly makes terrible decisions; that's why you have to be the responsible one. Do you know how many times Raven tried to do weird sex things with me and I had to refuse? Every day. Even when we were birds. And don't even get me started on all the orgies she tried to start with Tai and Summer…"

Salem turned her attention to them, full of fury. "Silence! All of you!" The prisoners fell under her spell, and she gently brushed the back of her hand along the glistening metal of the Relic. She spoke in a soft yet hostile tone. "None of you are allowed to speak in my presence unless spoken to."

Yang grinned. "Yes, ma'am."

Weiss rolled her eyes. "Really, Yang? Are we still doing this?"

"Uh, yeah, Weiss, we're still doing this," Yang said smugly.

"Oh, you are just the—"

"Hey!" Salem screamed, throwing her arms up in the air. "What did I literally just say to you people?" The girls fell silent, and Salem took a deep breath to calm herself down. She continued, more relaxed than before. "You all must be so naïve to believe that you had any chance against me. The folly of humanity is thinking that your actions were truly meaningful. Your victories up until this point have done nothing more than delay the inevitable, and now I am the one in possession of one of the most powerful items ever created… as well as the silver-eyed maiden."

Ruby gulped as Salem kneeled down before her, gently stroking her cheek. "You… you won't get away with this," she said, though everyone could hear the weakness in her voice.

"Oh, child, I already have," Salem boasted. "The Relic of Knowledge is in now in my grasp, and plans are already underway to obtain the others. No one—not even that fool Ironwood—will be able to stop me. Victory is all but assured."

"What are you planning to do?" Blake asked. Salem stood back up and walked over to the other girl. A Faunus. How cute.

"Once all the Relics are united," Salem explained. "The Gods of this world will finally return. Once they see that humanity has not been able to settle their differences, they will trigger a cataclysmic event that will permanently wipe all life off this planet, just as they did before. At last, the hour of humanity will come to an end, and I will finally be free of their pathetic existence. But of course, Gods, Relics, cataclysms… you all have no idea what I'm talking about. I have lived beyond any of you, and you could not even begin to imagine the history of this world. The lies you have been told by the history books, they were—"

"Oh, we know," Ruby said quickly.

Salem looked at her in shock. "Pardon?"

"Yeah, we… we asked the Relic," Ruby said sheepishly. "We know everything: you being immortal, the Two Brothers destroying all life and blowing up the moon, you falling into a big Grimm pit. We know all of it."

Salem fidgeted awkwardly on her heels. "Oh. That's convenient."

"Yep," Ruby agreed.

"I mean, I was going to do a whole big spiel about how much more I knew than you, and how dumb you were. But if you know then… cool, I guess?"

"I guess," Ruby shrugged.

Salem raised a finger. "But did you know that Ozpin and I were actually—"

"Lovers? Oh yeah," Weiss said irritably. "We know. We saw your kids."

"Wow, okay," Salem said reluctantly. "Kind of killed the tension there."

"I mean, we're still naked and tied up," Weiss stated, "so there can be as much tension as you want there to be."

"Sure, sure," Salem nodded. "Hey, quick question. When you were shown all of this stuff about me and Ozpin, you weren't shown… how the children were made, were you?"

Weiss cringed. "You're asking us if we saw you and Ozpin having sex?"

"I wouldn't put it like that," said Salem, "but yes."

"No."

She breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank goodness. That would have been rather awkward. Not to get too graphic, but some of the things we did in that bedroom were… well, they should probably be outlawed."

"Good to know."

"Just crazy shit."

"We got the point."

"Like, you can't even dream of how fucked up it was."

"I'm starting to."

"No, you aren't," Salem said confidently. "Seriously, you can't picture it. The human mind cannot imagine the depths of our depravity."

"Well, before today I probably couldn't," Weiss groaned. "After these past few hours, I don't think I can be shocked anymore."

"If you say so," Salem dismissed her. "Speaking of Ozpin, where is that bastard? I know that he reincarnated and that he was traveling with you, and I have special plans in store for him. Tell me where he is."

A dead silence fell over the room, and then slowly, Oscar spoke up. "Um… he's me."

Salem's gaze fell onto the young farm boy at the end of the lineup, and a distasteful grimace appeared on her face. "You?"

"Yes," he admitted. "My name is Oscar Pine. I'm Ozpin's next reincarnation."

Salem walked to him and stared down at him. There was something troubled running through her thoughts, but he could not detect what it was. She just continued to stare evilly at him, observing him very carefully with this disgusted—no, a disappointed look on her face. She crossed her arms and tapped her foot, casting an occasional look to Emerald as she thought of what to do. Eventually, she asked one simple question. "How… old are you, exactly?"

"I'm… fifteen," he replied nervously. Salem clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth.

"Fifteen," she said, annoyed. "That's a bit of a problem."

"Problem?" he asked. "Why is it—"

"Hold on a second," Salem she said hurriedly. "Emerald, we need to talk." Emerald didn't understand what her master's concerns were, but when Salem gave an order, one would be wise not to ignore it. Salem took her by the arm and led her into the kitchen, away from the ears of her captives. She placed Emerald down on a stool by the bar, and brought her hands to her chin, palms clasped together. She took a deep breath in through the nose and out through the mouth. "I need your opinion on something."

"What's wrong?" asked Emerald.

"Okay, you are a wise person, and so I need you to answer this philosophical question for me," Salem said carefully. "Is it—and make sure you give your honest answer!"

"I will! Just spit it out."

Salem opened her mouth and paused for a moment, making sure her phrasing was as clear and concise as she could manage. "Is it still pedophilia if the kid you're fucking is dead?"

Emerald opened her mouth. Then she closed her mouth. Emerald raised a finger. Then she lowered her finger. Then she opened her mouth again, then closed it, then gave up.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Is it still pedophilia if—"

"No no no no no. Don't repeat it," Emerald instructed. "Just… what?"

"Okay, so I'm not saying having sex with children is right or anything," Salem reasoned. "But the whole reason it's bad is that they can't consent, right? Like, they don't have developed brains to consent. But if I'm fucking their corpse, then that wouldn't be a problem anyway, right? Like, is it really that much more immoral than having sex with an adult human's corpse? I don't think so. I think you can make an argument that it's acceptable, or at least, equally as unacceptable as having sex with a normal corpse. But not worse. If I was going to do it anyway, I could manage it. I mean, who would judge me anyway? I'm me! What, are you going to blink past all the genocide but get worked up over this? Bullshit. It could pass. Maybe. I don't know. What do you think?"

Emerald didn't think. She didn't think for a long time. Thinking would have required accepting the things she just heard, and to be honest, she wasn't in the mood for that shit. She just sat there on the stool, not thinking, as Salem grew more and more impatient, and in her impatience, tried rationalizing having sex with Oscar's corpse more and more and more until finally, Emerald had to stand up and put a hand on Salem's exposed shoulder, her face dead.

"Bitch… stop."

"Huh?"

"Just… just stop," Emerald said dully. "That was literally… the worst thing I've ever heard. Like… holy fuck, that was bad. So goddamn terrible. Maybe the worst sentence ever spoken in all of history. I just… I just can't."

"I mean, it was just a thought," Salem said sadly.

"No, no. We're done. You're not going to have sex with a kid. You're not going to have sex with a corpse. I don't care whose corpse it is. We ain't doing that shit."

"B-But—"

"No buts," Emerald said sternly. "I don't care how much you hate Ozpin. You are not doing that gross shit. Got it?"

Salem pouted. "Fine. No corpse sex."

"And I'm dead serious about that," Emerald stated. "This isn't going to be one of those instances where we repeatedly say we aren't going to have sex with that kid's corpse, and then we smash cut to you having sex with that kid's corpse. We aren't doing that shit."

"Okay."

"Literally. Not happening."

"I got it."

"I just want to be perfectly clear. I don't want anybody to have that expectation that's going to happen, because seriously, it won't."

"It won't happen."

"Correct."

"No underage shenanigans."

"Nope."

"No dead bodies."

"Exactly."

Salem paused for a moment. "Is torture and murder still on the table?"

"Of course, it is," Emerald smirked. Salem hissed enthusiastically.

"Yes. Bad bitch!"

"Bad bitch."

While Salem and Emerald were busy discussing their awful moral quandaries, Ruby was hatching a scheme of her own. She stared across the room at the Relic, which Salem had dumped carelessly on the floor when she left to go talk to Emerald. That was their ticket out of there. If she could somehow grab it and summon Jinn, time would come to a halt, and she and the others would be able to free themselves. That was the idea, anyway. How were they going to get to the Relic? She didn't know. How were they going to get out of their tentacle chains? She didn't know. Where were they going to go once they left the house? She didn't know. In fact, the more she thought about it, the more the plan seemed to be rather haphazardly pieced together, and in all likelihood, it was going to fail completely. However, it wasn't like they had many other options, and what did they have to lose?

"Weiss," Ruby whispered, "do you think you can summon something that can cut us free and won't draw any attention?"

"I can make a mini-Arma Gigas," Weiss said, catching on quickly.

"Perfect" Ruby said eagerly. "Blake, I'm going to need you to distract her. While you do that, Weiss can cut my bounds, and then I'll use my speed semblance to grab the Relic before she can stop me."

"Me?" Blake asked uncomfortably. "Why me?"

"Because if I distract her, she might get bored and slash my eyes out," Ruby explained. "Weiss can't distract her because she needs to focus on freeing us, Uncle Qrow is still drunk, Oscar might trigger her rage issues and Yang is… well…"

"I'll try to fuck her," Yang said boldly.

"Right, she'll do that," Ruby said rolling her eyes. "You can sweet talk her using your overly-verbose prose."

"Wait, my prose isn't overly verbose," Blake said defensively. "I thought you said you liked my writing."

"Well…"

Yang called to her from the other side of the lineup. "I thought the sex scene with your mom was perfectly paced."

"Thank you, Yang," Blake said. "I can always count on you."

"I can always count on you, too," Yang said sweetly.

"Aww," Blake sighed. "You're the best."

"No, you're the best."

"Bumblebee for life."

"Bumblebee for life."

Weiss growled. "Hey, shush it, dykes! She's coming back."

The team fell silent as Salem returned, Emerald strutting in tow. Salem pinched her fingers to the bridge of her nose as she stood before them, sighing disappointedly. While she was preparing to speak, Weiss gently turned her wrist, and a tiny knight made of pure ice appeared behind her, hidden from view. It snuck around the girls' backs and came to Ruby, where it began sawing away at the inky tendrils with its comparatively oversized sword.

"Okay, so there has been a slight change of plans," Salem announced. "I was originally going to start by killing Ozpin and then doing… things to his body, but it looks like that isn't happening now. Instead, I think I'm just going to start by cutting out the red one's eyes and then murdering each of you one-by-one in front of her. That'll probably be the most horrifying."

"J-Just murder us?" Yang asked, her fake anxiety giving way to a tiny glimmer of excitement. "A-Are you sure you aren't going to do anything else to us? I-I mean, w-we are all naked and sexy."

"You see, I was contemplating that," Salem admitted. "I mean, wouldn't it be so evil to take Ozpin's star pupils and absolutely ravage them senseless? Just smush them against my hot body and force them to pleasure me in all manner of sinful ways? Sit on their faces as I force them to unwillingly climax over and over again? Maybe make them all reluctantly have sex with each other, too? It would be the hottest thing in the world."

Yang did not respond as her brain literally exploded from the sexiness.

"But then," Salem continued, not noticing the captives girls blushing furiously and trying to hide their arousal, "not being able to screw Ozpin's dead body really put a damper on my libido, you know? I mean, I guess I could let the tentacles fuck you senseless, but would that really bring me any satisfaction?"

"Of course, it would bring you satisfaction," Yang said encouragingly, ignoring the frustrated—in more ways than one—stares of her teammates. "It would probably bring you tons of satisfaction if you especially did that thing where you fucked me in the ass so deep with a tentacle that it traveled all the way through my entire body and came out of my mouth, spurting hot cum everywhere as my whole being became one with it. That would be so terrible; please don't do it, Mistress Salem."

Salem placed her hands on her hips. "All right, first of all, I am ninety percent confident that's not physically possible in real life. Hentai? Maybe. Here? No. You would just obliterate your digestive tract. Fuck that shit all up. And second, I really think I'm going to go with my idea about the whole stab-the-red-one-in-her-silver-eyes plan. Good? Good." Salem slowly lifted her hand, and another black pool spawned in front of Ruby, this one protruding a sharp claw that slowly approached the young woman's face. She shut her eyes in fear, but before Salem could commit the act, Blake suddenly spoke up.

"Wait!" she cried. "Before you do that, can I ask you something?"

"Oh, for the love of—what do you want?" Salem moaned.

"I just want to know before I die… how did the Faunus come to be?" Blake asked desperately. "The Relic didn't tell us, but you've lived for an eternity. Surely, you have to know how my people came to exist?"

Salem scratched her chin uneasily. "Um… okay. If you want to know. Do you see those cat ears on your head?"

"Yes," Blake nodded.

"Great," said Salem. "Your ancestor fucked a cat."

Blake looked at her, her face slowly morphing from faux-panic to legitimate confusion.

"Wait? They—"

"Your ancestor—probably a lady—fucked a cat. Then a Faunus popped out," Salem said matter-of-factly. Blake was baffled.

"You can't be—"

"Serious? Dead serious," Salem said again. "Must have been rough, too. Do you know what a cat's penis looks like? It's covered in barbs. That must have really hurt when your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother took a barbed dick in her twat. Sorry."

Blake said nothing after that point, her eyes going wide and blurry as the abyss of untold and unwanted knowledge took hold of her. Her teammates said nothing. Really, that was for the best. With her distraction removed, Salem turned back to Ruby, and readied the claw.

"Now then, where was I—"

Suddenly, the tentacles holding Ruby down snapped like twigs, and like a rocket Ruby launched forward, knocking Salem over in a blur of red. Emerald tried to shoot her down, but her target was too quick, and within a matter of moments, Ruby had snatched the lamp off the ground and had climbed up on top of the lounge chair, perching atop the structure as she held the lamp close to her bare chest. Salem couldn't recover in time to stop her, knowing what would come next.

"Jinn! Help us!"

"No, wait!" Salem cried, but as she reached out her hand, the lamp came to life, violently trembling in Ruby's arms and emitting a vibrant blue. The crackling of the fireplace stopped and even the snowstorm outside slowed and stilled as the world paused around them, and the occupants of the room watched in horror and amazement as smoke filled the room, and soon, a massive presence made herself known. She stretched out in the open space, finding it difficult to maneuver in the tight farmhouse, but she still smiled as brightly as ever as she fully came into being. Beautiful, blue and wise, dressed only in cold accessories that dangled freely from her perfectly toned body, she was the being that all others aspired to be. Her face was inches from Ruby's as she let out a satisfied yawn.

"Ah, Ruby Rose," she said with a smirk. "Come to claim more knowledge already?"

"Not necessarily," Ruby stammered, fuming in the presence of such a perfect thing. Jinn traced her gaze down Ruby's body, and the Huntress embarrassingly moved to cover herself as the magical entity chuckled.

"Oh, don't worry. As you can see, I'm not very judgmental," Jinn said charmingly. "What is it that you want?"

Jinn's smile was pure. It only made Ruby's heart flutter faster. She was about to answer when she realized something terribly wrong. Looking past Jinn's shoulder, she saw that everyone else was unfrozen—including Salem and Emerald. She was a fool. A fool! She should have drawn her enemies away from the Relic before activating it. Now, she had no idea how they were going to get away. She could maybe try to find her weapon, but that wouldn't do any good against a foe like Salem. She was too strong, too quick, too smart. They were practically doomed. The death of Team RWBY, and by proxy, the rest of the world, was imminent.

Noticing the panic on her treasured young summoner's face, Jinn looked around the room. She noticed first that the other girls were all wearing less clothing than before. She didn't question it. Then she noticed the old woman had vanished. She didn't question it. But then lastly, she noticed the stunning woman with white skin and flowing hair and a red dress that clung tightly to a tighter body, and then she noticed that woman's fearful expression.

Then Salem looked back at Jinn.

Then Jinn looked back at Salem.

Then, she sighed, all of the joy sapped away from her. "Oh… hi, Salem. I didn't expect to see you here."

Salem's fear gave way to anguish, and she sighed much the same. "Hi, Jinn. It's been a while."

Then Team RWBY looked at Jinn, and then at Salem, and then at Jinn, and then at Salem, and then Emerald joined the looking, and then everyone looked at everyone, and then Weiss finally said what they had all been thinking. "Excuse me, does someone want to tell me what the fuck is going on anymore?"

Salem, with nowhere left to run and nowhere left to hide, shook her head and motioned to the giant, blue, naked woman. "Team RWBY, Qrow, Emerald, Ozpin's host… this is Jinn. She's my ex-girlfriend."