Note: Hi. In celebration of our computer no longer being broken, here's a bonus chapter of this horrible piece of fiction that we created. Enjoy.


"So… you and Roman Torchwick…" Cinder said awkwardly. "Was there like a thing going on there?"

Neo glared at Cinder suspiciously from the co-pilot's seat. She had agreed to Cinder's plan to get murderous revenge on Ruby Rose awhile back, and after a wonderful shopping spree montage and hijacking a fighter ship and camouflaging it as an Atlesian cruiser, she was well on her way to achieving her revenge. But unfortunately for Neo, Atlas was quite the long flight away from Mistral, and that meant there was a lot of time to kill. And one of the downsides to having a lot of time to kill was that people would always attempt to kill that time by asking about… things they shouldn't be asking about.

"I'm not judging, by the way," Cinder carefully noted. "Believe me, I am in no position to critique other's actions. Because of, you know… all of the murders I've committed."

Neo pursed her lips.

"But this whole revenge thing, it's not just because you were friends, right?" Cinder suggested. "There had to be something far more intimate going on between the two of you. Something far more… sexual, I believe?"

Neo crossed her arms and looked out the main window.

Cinder smirked. "Oh, that's absolutely it," she said slyly. "So, what was it like taking the merciless Roman Torchwick to bed? I assume it had to be rather kinky, correct?"

Neo said nothing.

"If you say nothing, I can only imagine that it was an intense experience," Cinder reasoned. "Did you let him ravage you on top of big piles of Dust and money? Did you kidnap random people off the streets and force them to join, or perhaps you recruited other members of his gang to participate? I get the suspicion that it was an affair that was shared amongst quite a few other people."

Neo said nothing.

Cinder snickered, delighted with the subtle reactions she was getting out of the girl's face. "Oh, you are so sensitive, Neo. For such a dangerous person, you seem so awfully coy about your sexual life. There isn't anything to be ashamed of. We are simply having a conversation as brand new friends. Girl-to-girl. Criminal-to-criminal. If we can't be honest with ourselves, who can we be honest with?"

Neo said nothing.

"To tell you the truth, I always had a soft spot for Roman. I thought he was rather cute, which made his incessant bumbling much more tolerable. I will fully admit that I was using him. Salem's machinations cannot go unfulfilled, and he was simply the first and the most desperate in agreeing to help her schemes. However, there was something incomparable about him. Something dashing. Charming. He was a rogue in the truest sense of the word. A man not bound by any sort of social order. That's an incredibly admirable trait, don't you agree?"

Neo said nothing.

"Ah, I miss those days," Cinder confessed with a sigh. "Staying undercover at Beacon Academy, plotting to destroy the school from within. It was all so much simpler back then, getting to play the game of chess instead of being one of the pawns. Remember when you and I participated in the Vytal Festival, how you had to disguise yourself as 'Becky the Transfer Student'? God, that was something to behold. Your skills were always unmatched, even by trained Huntsmen. Truthfully, part of me thinks it was a mistake that we didn't go to the finals. I know sending Emerald and Mercury was part of the plan to collapse Beacon, but some part of me can't help but wonder if we could have taken it all. The two of us, working together. I think we might have been able to win the whole thing. No, I know we would have been able to win the whole thing. Well, I would have; there can only be one winner after all. Yet, the two of us as a pair would have gone very, very far together if we had only—"

"I pegged him."

Cinder stopped, and then blinked, and then slowly turned towards her co-pilot, whose bored expression had remained a constant as she stared straight ahead out the windshield.

"I'm sorry, did you say—"

"I pegged him," Neo repeated with a shrug. "Roman. Our sex life. I pegged him."

Cinder paused, glancing away for half a second, uncomfortably biting her bottom lip.

"Uh… I don't…"

"Roman would get down on all fours," Neo explained simply, still staring straight ahead. "Then he would spread his asscheeks. And then… I'd peg him."

"You would have anal sex with Roman Torchwick."

"Yes."

"In his ass."

"That would make it pegging, yes."

"With…"

"With my monster cock," Neo explained.

Cinder blinked.

"Your… monster cock?"

"Yep," Neo stated, gently patting her lap. "Got eleven inches of monster cock hidden under here. Big ol' sausage. Plump for fucking."

"Oh…"

"And for sucking."

"That's… that's very interesting."

"Well, you asked."

"I did ask."

"You did ask."

"I asked to know… and you told me."

"Yep."

"Huh."

"Yep."

Cinder slumped down in her chair a little bit, and awkwardly stared back out the windshield. The cockpit returned to silence, awkward and lasting for an ungodly long period of time. Cinder clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth, and gently strummed her fingers against the controls of the ship. She opened her mouth to say something, but then decided against it. But then, after sitting in silence for what felt like an hour, she decided for it. Poorly.

"You hide it very well."

"What?" asked Neo.

"Your gigantic penis," Cinder stated. "You hide it incredibly well for someone who wears very tight pants."

Neo cringed for a moment, and then rolled her eyes, groaning. "Oh my God… I don't have a penis, dumbass."

"You… don't?" Cinder asked, confused.

"No, that was a joke," Neo said bitterly. "I was just trying to get you off my back. Roman and I had a very healthy, normal, platonic relationship, and it meant a lot to me, and I don't want you talking about it."

"So… no monster cock?"

"Nope," Neo said, again patting her lap. "Just a very boring vagina."

"And Roman didn't like getting pegged?"

"I mean, he might have," Neo stated. "That was his business. I don't judge."

"Huh," Cinder said softly. "Good to know."

"Yep," Neo said, leaning against the window. "This is exactly why I don't talk to people."

"I see. Maybe I should try that," Cinder pondered.

"Maybe you should," Neo agreed. "Your voice is awful."

Cinder paused, raising an eyebrow. "My voice?"

"Yep. Awful."

"How is it awful?"

"Because you try too hard," Neo explained. "Every single word out of your mouth is like… how do I say this? It's like every syllable has to be dripping with as much evil and manipulative intent as possible. You have to be super condescending and secretive and sinister all at once"

"That's just my voice!" Cinder shouted incredulously.

"Well, it sucks!" Neo claimed. "You should just try going mute for a while. Does wonders for me!"

"No way. Not that again," Cinder huffed. "Those were the worst six months of my life being unable to speak. So much fire." She shuddered and crouched forward, hissing. "So much fire."

"Okay, well then try an accent," Neo suggested. "Maybe if you disguise your voice under, say, an Australian accent, then people would find you a lot less grating."

"A… what?" Cinder stammered.

"An Australian accent," Neo groaned. "You know—G'day, mate! Saw a kangaroo in the outback earlier near mah pet dingo. Shrimp on the barbie!"

Cinder squinted at her, shaking her head softly. "What's an Australia?"

"Australia!" shouted Neo, throwing her hands in the air. "You know, it's that… um…" She suddenly stopped herself. She slowly looked off into the distance, placing a finger against her chin.

Huh. What was an Australia?

"Well, anyway, maybe we can try a makeover to make you less irritable," Neo suggested.

"I just did a makeover," Cinder protested.

"Yeah, but one that doesn't suck," Neo stated. "I mean, we're heading off to the freezing icy planes of Atlas and you are wearing a skirt."

"You're also wearing a skirt!"

"But my skirt looks hot! I'm just saying—"

"No. No no no. I've been down this road before," Cinder said quickly. "I'm not letting you turn me into a bad bitch. Emerald tried turning me into a bad bitch once, and do you want to know how that ended up? Me, suspended naked and alone in a dark room with a giant mechanical paddle spanking me for seven hours straight. I'm going to be the one deciding my looks and behavior from here on out."

"Okay, two notes," said Neo. "First of all: hot. Second, I think we can find a healthy middle ground between you looking and sounding like an idiot and you getting strung up like a horny Harry Houdini."

"Harry who now?"

Neo growled. "Harry Houdini, the famous… famous… wait a second, what the fuck are these references?"

"I don't know, but you should probably stop."

"Yeah," Neo sighed. "This is getting to be like a Twiight Zone episode—wait, fuck! That's another one! Oh my God!"

Cinder snickered. "Wow, you're dropping more obscure references than Tessa Tassanova."

"Yes, that's a reference I recognize!" Neo exclaimed. "Acclaimed Vale musician, actress and stand-up comedian Tessa Tassanova, whose critically-beloved debut album That One Time With The Salmon entrenched her bizarre yet endearing referential style of musical comedy in the public's pop culture perception for decades."

"Yes, that is exactly what I was thinking when I made that reference," Cinder said with a nod. "Literally everyone knows who Tessa Tassanova is, which is why I felt comfortable with making that joke. Comedy that excludes others, such as inside jokes or humor which punches down on oppressed groups, is always inferior to that which can maximize happiness in the audience—at least in my honest opinion. It is true that some humor will always offend and deride, and we must be careful not to bring about unnecessary censorship as we allow people to express themselves in their art; yet, media impacts us all, and creating a space in which all can find the joy of laughter is a viable and, I believe, a worthy goal."

"Well, putting aside that surprisingly nuanced view of comedy," Neo stated, "you still look, sound and act dumb."

"You know what? Fuck you, Neo," Cinder said passionately. "You want to critique my fashion sense? You literally wear a bowler hat, you ice-cream-looking-caramel-salted-cumslut."

"Caramel-salted?" Neo laughed. "Wow, your insults are almost as bad as your facemask. No wonder no one wants to tap you."

"Plenty of people want to tap me," Cinder said defensively. "Emerald wants to tap me. Mercury wants to tap me. Ruby Rose wants to tap me—"

"Ruby? The one we're trying to kill?"

Cinder smirked. "Oh, yes, my dear. She definitely wants to hit this. I can see it in her stupid silver eyes. She wants me to eat her like a holiday feast, pound her like a snare drum, break her—"

"Like a Kit-Kat Bar?" asked Neo.

"I don't know what that is, but sure," Cinder said with certainty. "She wants my Cinder-ness all over her. Maybe I'll give it to her, too, right after I cut those fucking eyes out of her stupid head. I'll fuck that blind bitch until she goes numb. Then, we'll kill her. Yeah… that'll be an excellent revenge."

"If she wants it, I don't see how that's revenge," Neo questioned. "It sounds like you'd be giving her everything she's ever wanted. Honestly, it would be more like revenge if you didn't fuck her."

Neo had said that comment passively, not thinking much of it, but she noticed that it had an impact when Cinder didn't respond immediately with a snarky quip. Neo turned to her new partner, only to see the insane woman staring straight out ahead with eyes wide as the moon, and her mouth hanging open in pure delighted shock. Cinder slowly—very slowly —turned her head towards Neo, unable to contain her excitement.

"Neo…"

"No."

"I have an idea."

"No."

"We'll fuck her friends," Cinder said in awe of herself. "We'll capture her and her stupid teammates, and then we'll fuck everyone except for her. It would be the last thing her silver eyes ever see: Her friends caught in an endless climax at our hands."

"No."

"Please, think about it," Cinder pleaded. "It works on so many levels. That blond boy with the dumb sword. I killed his girlfriend. Can you imagine how darkly delicious it would be if I made him cum inside me while bragging about how I shot his woman through the heart with a glass arrow? He's probably still a virgin, so it would be like I'm violating him sexually and spiritually. Oh, that would be so hot…"

"That wouldn't be… hey, where's your hand?" Neo asked suddenly.

"And that Schnee girl as well," Cinder moaned, licking her lips. "I've already penetrated her once if you know what I mean. It would be phenomenal to do it again." She gasped. "You could fuck her spear wound with your monster cock!"

"One, I don't have that, and two… are you fucking masturbating right now?"

Cinder threw her head back in ecstasy, a guttural growl ripping threw her throat. Her hand was buried beneath her thighs, and the ship rocked as she stopped focusing on flying and focused more and more on fucking.

"Neo, this plan… it's so good! Why didn't I think of this sooner? I've been so obsessed with murder for my entire life that I never thought about sex! There are so many ways that you can sexually torment people in addition to physically and emotionally tormenting them. So many sexy possibilities! It's like my eyes have been opened for the first time in my life, and now I can see the perverted rainbow of my dreams!. I can't believe I seriously never thought of this before!"

Neo watched with disgust as Cinder pulled her fingers out of wherever they were hiding and brought them to her lips. They were glistening with something that she didn't want to think about, and she had to turn away with a blush as Cinder sloppily licked them clean. She was thankful that at the bare minimum they were her human fingers and not her Grimm ones, but honestly, that wasn't really much of an improvement.

"You… you are a sick lady, Cinder," Neo said disappointedly.

"Oh, please. Like your honestly telling me that you haven't thought of ravaging that busty blonde?"

Busty blonde? The one she fought on the train? Neo could definitely agree that she was hot. Like, she wasn't into girls or anything, but the Huntress was undoubtedly an attractive person. If Neo was ever to have a sexy lesbian experience—which she wouldn't—she wouldn't mind having it with someone like Yang, who had a nice figure and was of a similar age and likely had an ass that could easily fit her monster cock like a Snuggie… wait, she didn't have a monster cock! And she didn't know what a Snuggie was! She furiously shook her head, and pointed furiously at Cinder.

"Hey, we are getting way off track here!" she declared. "You hired me to help kill Ruby and steal a magical lamp, not engage in your wild fetishes. We are not straying from that, and I don't want to hear any more about this."

"Come on, Neo. Have a little fun."

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty ppplllllleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssseeeeee?"

Neo paused for a moment.

"No."

Cinder sowled. "Oh, you're a loser. Caramel fucking… bitch-ass mother… grumble grumble…"

"Wait," said Neo, "did you just say 'grumble grumble' out loud?"

"Don't judge me while I'm grumbling!" Cinder shouted, returning her focus to flying the plane. Neo decided that it would be best to go back to pretending she couldn't talk. Honestly, it was a lot simpler than having to deal with other peoples' shit. No one ever talked about their fetishes to the mute lady. Unfortunately, there were still many long hours before they arrived in Atlas, and there was still an awfully long amount of time to kill. However, she had a bright idea; with a smirk, she pulled out her Scroll, plugged in her headphones, pulling up her favorite album.

"So, there I was with a tray of salmon," Tessa Tassanova said in her usual wacky ways. She sounded like a bad Liza Minnelli impersonation, a person Neo knew, but also didn't. "And I asked myself… Am I Fisher John's Lake on a Merry Spoolday without my Weifer Paddle? Because I'm flakier than Clara Teeb's third Sammy-award winning hip-hop record!"

Neo chuckled and sighed lovingly. Classic referential comedy.


"And that was the story of how Ren got inflicted with Eterna Hotness!" Nora stated, concluding her tale. The rest of the room stared at her in stunned silence, their mouths agape as their pathetic minds tried to process the ludicrous levels of perversion that was just laid out before them. It was so terrible, so disturbed, so overwhelmingly sexy and hot and taboo that it made Team RWBY's story seem like a day at church by comparison. It was certainly too sexy for the young baby, who's mother desperately took him out of the room the second the mention of nipple clamps came into the picture. His other mother, Terra, simply stared off into nothing, the perversions having been so intense that her brain literally shut off forever. Qrow drank himself to a state of near-death. Oscar somehow retreated back into his own mind like Ozpin had, leaving him much like Terra, a lifeless husk incapable of engaging with the world around him. Jaune felt so ashamed over his teammates' actions that he had retreated to an infant-like state, sucking his thumb and rolling on the floor. Team RWBY just… they just looked at them. Like... damn.

Ren, somewhat embarrassed, slumped down on the couch in shame, while Nora just sat up proudly, arms clasped to her waist and a large grin on her face.

Weiss nervously cleared her throat. "So… by any chance… is the lobster—"

Ren screamed in horror. "It's still up there and we can't get it out!"