Note: It's still going. The train will never stop. Enjoy.


Ruby couldn't believe her eyes. When Yang sat her down to watch a clip of porn on the internet, Ruby was admittedly pretty skeptical. "You have to watch this," Yang said anxiously. "It will blow your mind!" Of course, Ruby assumed that Yang was just going to try to get her hot and bothered so she could try sleeping with her again. It made perfect sense that Yang would steep to such dirty tricks to facefuck her own sister. And Ruby did have to admit, after she was shoved down onto her bed and had a Scroll thrust into her face, it was a pretty sexy video. But that wasn't the important part. The important part—the part that afterward shocked Jaune and Weiss and everyone else they showed it to—was that the woman driving a strap-on into another woman's cunt happened to look an awful lot like their deceased friend, Pyrrha Nikos.

"That can't be Pyrrha," Nora said rationally. Her team, Penny and Team RWBY sat haphazardly around their room, some pacing, some fidgeting, some completely frozen in shock. Oscar had asked to be a part of the conversation, but he was kicked out almost immediately. He was too young to see such naughty things. Plus, he never met Pyrrha. He wasn't a part of their crew. The Beacon Crew. The Crew from Beacon. That fucker only joined them in Mistral, and fuck all of that Mistral bullshit, they reasoned. Beacon Crew 4 Life.

"It looks just like her," Yang said incredulously. "And her name is Nyrrha Pikos! She's not even trying to be subtle!"

"It's probably just a lookalike with a pun-based named," Ren reasoned. "There's all sorts of celebritity porn impersonators out there. There's probably one for Pyrrha, too."

"No way. That's her," Jaune said, pacing back and forth. "I'd recognize her anywhere."

"It has to be an impersonator!" Weiss said boldly, throwing up her hands. "She died. She died super hard! Ruby, didn't you literally see Pyrrha get disintegrated?"

"Hmm?" Ruby said, slightly out of it. "Oh, yeah. That totally happened. Not only that, but right before, she was shot through the heart with an arrow. She couldn't have survived."

"And if she did, why would she be directing porn?" Nora said, trying to convince herself more than anyone else. "Pyrrha was a total prude. She wouldn't even let Ren and I finger her under the table in history class. Plus, wouldn't she give us a phone call, at least? Let us know she was okay? It just doesn't make sense."

"I will say that it is hard to get in touch with you," Penny noted with a kind smile. "I was alive for a very long time before any of you knew about it. The reception up here is just terrible."

"We need to find out more about this Nyrrha Pikos lady," Ruby stated. Blake suddenly jumped to her feet triumphantly.

"Already done!" she declared, whipping out her Scroll. "I've been spending the past twelve hours doing nothing but watching this lady's porn videos. Let me tell you, it is extensive."

"What are you waiting for?" Yang asked, trying to act like she wasn't extremely excited by the prospect of watching Pyrrha Nikos's adult film collection. "What's the deal with this lady?"

Blake beckoned them toward her, and the Huntsmen and Huntresses all gathered together in a big pile in front of Blake, nervously looking at the screen as Blake ran through the results of her "research."

"So, as it turns out, this Nyrrha Pikos lady first appeared on the scene two months after the fall of Beacon," she explained, pulling up the woman's PornKingdom profile. On the holographic screen appeared a photo of the woman posing seductively for the camera in striking red lingerie, her hair tied back in a manner that made her familiar facial expressions all the more recognizable. "She started out as an actress doing all of your basic shit. Your bukkake gangbangs. Your girl-on-girl. Your anal fisting. You know, the usual stuff. She even did a step-mom/step-daughter video once, which was…" She shrugged. "You know, it was fine, but the actress playing the mom didn't really seem to commit to the role and—"

"Get on with it, Blake!" Weiss screamed at her.

"All right! Jeez! I'm getting there!" Blake said defensively. "Anyway, it seemed like after a few months, she decided to do what every actor dreams of doing: directing. She joined the Scissor Girl Productions company and has released thirteen films in total in the past year, including fan favorites such as Bang These Fat Whores 3, Presents for Daddy's Dick, and T-Girl Domination 12."

Yang nodded in approval. "Wow, that's so nice of her! Very inclusive tastes, Nyrrha."

"But that's not the craziest part," Blake said, bouncing up and down excitedly. "At some point, she decided to take on larger, more ambitious projects. She eventually took on the role of writing and directing a five-part pornographic miniseries called The Guzzler—an epic neo-noir drama about a blonde bombshell dame who goes on a serial killing spree by sucking off men so hard that they die. It was shot entirely and black and white except for dramatic splashes of color used during the sex scenes, and it had a fully orchestrated jazz soundtrack. It was smooth, stylistic, bold, and I swear that during the final scene, I was crying just as hard as I was cumming. It was that damn good."

Weiss pursed her lips. "You know, we don't need to hear the details of your masturbation habits… again…"

"But I'm not the only person who masturbated to this," Blake explained further. "Tons of people did, because The Guzzler ended up getting nominated for seven Adult Film Awards!"

The group collectively gasped in shock.

"Seven AFAs?" Nora said in disbelief. "That's so prestigious."

"Yeah. That's really something," Ruby agreed, making a mental note to look up The Guzzler when the others weren't around. For research purposes, of course.

"Did she win?" Yang begged to know.

Blake somberly dropped her head. "No. Despite critical acclaim, the awards were swept by Bang These Fat Whores 4. A horrible cruel twist of fate. She left the Awards sad and dejected."

The gang sighed in disappointment. Once again, they had been let down by the realities of the mainstream artworld. It was constantly stated that people no longer desired tired, cliché formulas, that they wanted to expand their horizons and partake in art that truly stretched their imaginations and, perhaps, their very souls. The Guzzler was all the critics and the cynics had ever asked for, a beautiful, pornographic package that inspired so many across Remnant, but at the end of the day, did it receive its recognition? Did it receive its praise? No… it fell victim to the inane commercialist culture that consumed all things. It fell to the tired and cliché. It fell to the unimaginative and profane. It fell to Bang These Fat Whores 4—a truly terrible waste of cinema. Not only was it a loss for Nyrrha Pikos, famed possible-Huntress-turned-porn-star-turned-adult-film-director; it was a loss for humanity.

Ruby stood up, a sudden sense of pride washing over her. "We… we need to track down this Nyrrha Pikos. She sounds too important to go unnoticed by society."

"I agree," Yang said, rising as well and placing a hand on Ruby's shoulder. "If the Adult Film Awards won't honor this lady, then at least we have to! Just to stick it to the man!"

"Exactly!" Nora agreed. "Let's stick it to the man, dammit! Let's give that Nyrrha Pikos some lovin'. Right, Ren?"

"Yes. It does sound like a good way to spend the weekend," he figured, a trillion perverted thoughts running through his brain.

"That's true," Jaune said cautiously. "And also, we should see her because, you know… she's maybe our friend that we thought died a year ago. Maybe that's… maybe that's also something?"

He was met with silence. A long silence. Then, Ruby cleared her throat.

"Oh. Yeah," she stated awkwardly. "That, too."

Weiss, however, suddenly groaned and rose to her feet, placing her hands on her hips. "Now wait just a second. We can't just up and leave Atlas to go chase a porno director, even if she was our friend. We'd be leaving the city defenseless. Plus, we don't even know where she is!"

Blake laughed. "Oh, silly, Weiss. Never knowing what you're talking about. She's in Mantle?"

Weiss gasped. "She is?"

"Duh!" Blake mocked her teammate. "Where else would you be able to film Arctic Hooker Blowjobs?"

Weiss had not the slightest goddamn clue. She didn't put a lot of thought into those types of questions. While she pondered such a deep, important philosophical question, the others began excitedly murmuring to themselves. Getting to visit the set of an AFA-nominated director? Getting to give a person love and joy that they desperately needed and deserved. There was nothing better than that. It was why they became Huntresses in the first place. It would be an absolutely wonderful, sexy, sexy, sexy time.

Oh, and they would maybe get to see if Pyrrha faked her death or whatever.


"No, no, a little wider, honey," Nyrrha Pikos instructed. The porn star, lying flat on the bed with a hundred lights and cameras surrounding her, spread her legs as wide as she possibly could, but it was still not to the director's satisfaction. "Is that the farthest you can go?"

"Sorry, I didn't do gymnastics," the porn star admitted. "Also, my thighs really hurt. Can we take a break?"

Nyrrha groaned. A break, she said. Breaks can't be taken when art had to be made! She needed those legs spread wider, wider than humanly possible. She wasn't just talking one hundred and eighty degrees. She wanted obtuse angles. She wanted those hips to pop out of their sockets. If she was going to be successful with The Biggest Cock Plunge, she needed an actress who could take the heat. And, you know, the cock. Yet she was constantly let down by those around her. She sighed and stepped out of her chair.

"I think we're going to take a break, everyone," she said in defeat. "Cynthia, you can put your pants back on if you'd like."

Cynthia placed her hands to her chin, deep in contemplation, her legs still wide. "Can I blow the camera guy instead? He's pretty hot."

Nyrrha sighed. "Sure, you can blow the camera guy."

"Woohoo!" shouted Cynthia, closing her legs.

"Woohoo!" shouted the camera guy, dropping his pants.

Nyrrha made her way to the door in dejected sadness. She had been in such a rut since her defeat at the AFAs. She thought for sure she had the Awards in the bag. She had received such kind words from everyone there. Oh, you're a porn prodigy, they would tell her. Best jerk-off I ever had, they would cry. Yet when push came to shove, they gave her nothing. They instead went with that derivative garbage Bang Those Fat Whores 4. Unbelievable—the whores weren't even fat! They just had large butts! That's not fat. A real auteur would have hired actual obese women to take those ginormous dicks. That's what she did for Bang Those Fat Whores 3, but did she get respect? Nope. Sometimes she wondered why she even bothered. She could easily earn more money and respect just by producing trash, but where would the fun be in that? She needed something new, something daring, something that would shock the adult film world to its goddamn core. But alas, her imagination was drained. She was in a rut, and she didn't know if there was anything that could knock her out of it.

She walked down the steps of the fanciful house that she was using for shooting, and opened the front door. She expected to see the quiet streets of Mistral; instead, she saw eight people staring directly at her. Eight faces she recognized from a time before.

And the eight of them looked at Nyrrha.

And Nyrrha looked at the eight of them.

And the eight of them looked at Nyrrha.

And Nyrrha looked at the eight of them.

And the eight of them looked at Nyrrha.

And Nyrrha looked at the eight of them.

And the eight of them looked at Nyrrha.

And Nyrrha looked at the eight of them.

And the eight of them looked at Nyrrha.

And Nyrrha looked at the eight of them.

And Nyrrha turned and sprinted into the kitchen with a scream.

And the eight of them looked at Nyrrha sprinting into the kitchen.

And then Ruby screamed, too.

"Get her!"

The eight of them burst into the house, scrambling after the director, who dove headfirst behind the kitchen counter and immediately armed herself with a frying pan. She held it out in front of her, ready to swing at a moment's notice.

"Stay away from me!" she warned. "I'm going to start swinging, I swear to God!"

"Pyrrha, we just want to talk!" Jaune cried, trying to circle around the counter. She backed up, drawing back the frying pan while shrieking hysterically.

"Who's Pyrrha? I'm not Pyrrha!" she said desperately. "I'm Nyrrha! That's right! Nyrrha Pikos!"

"Pyrrha, just calm down," Ruby said, moving around the opposite side of the counter in an attempt to close the director in. "We're not here to hurt you."

"Yeah," said Blake. "We're massive fans of your films!"

"Stay the fuck away from me!" Nyrrha shouted, frantically sweeping the frying pan around her, ready to decapitate the first bitch to come at her. "I aint afraid to use this!"

"Pyrrha, stop freaking out!" Nora begged. "We're your friends? Do you remember us? Team JNPR?"

"Friends? I've never seen you before in my life," Nyrrha said, her eye twitching. "Get your stranger faces out of my face, you sickos. I'm not Pyrrha! I haven't been faking my own death!"

Yang raised an eyebrow, climbing on top of the kitchen counter to get a better vantage point. "That's a really suspicious thing to say if you weren't actually Pyrrha."

"I'm not Pyrrha!" said Nyrrha. "I'm Nyrrha Nikos—I mean, Pyrhha Pikos—I mean—"

"Okay, Pyrrha, that's enough," Jaune said soothingly, taking a cautious step toward her. He held up his arms in passivity. He waved the others off, and temporarily, they agreed. If anyone could get through to her, it was him. He was closer to her than anyone. He was her boyfriend, sort of, once upon a time. If Jaune Arc was going to stand up and do something good for the world, this would finally be the time to do so. He took a deep breath, and summoned his confidence and his empathy, and took another step forward, ready to reclaim the woman who loved him. "I know you are confused right now. We are, too. But if you would just listen to me—"

"Back off, fucker!"

Nyrrha drove the frying pan straight into his face, knocking him senseless. His teeth flew out of his mouth in a bloody splatter and he collapsed, sending the rest of the room into frozen shock. Nyrrha instantly dropped the frying pan, which clanged on the tiled floor, and he pressed her palms to her cheeks.

"Jaune! Oh my God, I'm sorry! That… that was way harder than I thought it would be."

Jaune said nothing. He may have been dead. None of them really wanted to check. Wait. They heard him moaning. Not dead. That was good. Realizing that he was still very much not dead, their attention all returned to Nyrrha, who awkwardly stared back at them, a cold sweat running down her forehead. She stammered, rubbing the back of her flowing red hair.

"Uh, I mean… not Jaune. I don't know who that is. Definitely don't… like, I totally wasn't in love with that guy. That would just be…" She breathed a sigh of disappointment. "Oh, dammit."


"How are you still alive?" Ruby asked. Once the dust from the kitchen had settled—and Jaune had been moved from lying on the floor in agony to lying on the couch in agony—the remaining Huntresses and Ren poured themselves some hot tea that they were then preparing to metaphorically spill all over the damn place. They all sat at various points on the floor in the sparsely decorated living room, while Nyrrha Pikos—or rather, Pyrrha Nikos—sat on the aging, red recliner, not with a cup of tea but a full bottle of red wine that she certainly was not old enough to be drinking. She didn't give a shit. Upstairs, she could hear the muffled sounds of her stars screwing the camera crew, but she couldn't be bothered to rain them in. She had much bigger shit to deal with.

"I… I don't know," Pyrrha confessed. "It's all sort of a blur."

"A blur?" Ruby asked incredulously. "You were shot through the heart and then turned to ash and blew off into the wind right in front of me."

"Yeah. Like I said: a blur," Pyrrha explained. "I remember Cinder standing over me, and then a stabbing pain in my chest, and then the next thing I know, I'm waking up naked on a beach two months later with no memory of who I am or how I got there. I wandered into the town, and a nice lady came up to me and started complimenting me on my body. She asked me if I was interested in making some money, and since I was naked and homeless, I agreed to it. When she asked me my name, I guess I remembered it sort of… incorrectly."

"So, you were recruited into doing porn just like that?" Yang said jealously. "Man, you always get the good breaks."

"I spent the next few months fucking a lot of people," Pyrrha said fondly. "Tall guys, short guys, really short guys, ladies with fake breasts, ladies with giant butts, people in Grimm outfits, etcetera. One day, I was taking this very hard pounding from behind, and the man's dick penetrated me so hard and deep that the tip of his penis slammed against my cervix."

Blake gasped excitedly. Weiss smacked her on the arm. Blake whimpered. Pyrrha continued.

"I guess that must have been my sweet spot, because all at once, my memories came rushing back to me," Pyrrha explained. "I remembered everything, and as the man came on my face, all I could think about was how I needed to get back in touch with everyone and tell them that I was okay."

"So why didn't you?" Nora asked sadly. "Why didn't tell us you were still alive?"

"I wanted to. Believe me, I did," Pyrrha said passionately. "But I was hit with an overwhelming shame. What was I supposed to tell you, or tell my parents? That I was alive but had become a filthy whore who millions of people had seen getting a train run on her on the internet? That would break my parents' hearts. I knew that I couldn't return to the world and disgrace my legacy like that. If I was to return to the public eye, I could only do it when I was proud of what I was—and it was that decision that led me to direct adult videos."

"Of course!" Blake stated with pleasant surprise. "The Guzzler wasn't just your artistic masterwork. It was also your ultimate redemption narrative."

"Exactly!" Pyrrha said, snapping her fingers. "The whole world had seen me fail at Beacon. But if I could make them all jack off to my award-winning motion pictures, then the Nikos name would have honor once again! I'm so sorry for not being able to tell any of you sooner."

Penny was the first one to speak up. "Hey, we all sometimes forget to tell people when we've returned from the dead. It happens."

"Thank you, Penny," Pyrrha said warmly. "Sorry for cutting you into pieces during the Vytal Festival."

"That's all right," Penny said with a smile. "I'll get my revenge soon enough."

Pyrrha blinked. "What?"

"What?" asked Penny innocently.

Pyrrha paused for a moment, then shook her head. "Anyway… I hope you all forgive me. I was planning on returning once The Guzzler won Best Picture but…"

Yang slammed her fist into her armchair. "Those goddamn fat whores stole your win from you!"

Pyrrha groaned. "Exactly. And now I don't know what to do. The Guzzler took everything out of me and it still wasn't enough. What could possibly be good enough to win at the AFAs without being a sellout."

Ruby tapped her fingers to her thighs and interjected. "Well, Pyrrha, I do have a suggestion."

"Really?" Pyrrha asked with a gleam of hope. "You have a good porno suggestion for me?"

Ruby scowled. "What? No. I was going to say that you should get out of the sex industry and become a Huntress again."

Pyrrha pursed her lips. "Yeah… no thanks."

Ruby couldn't believe her ears. She leaned forward in her chair. "No thanks?"

"No thanks. I'd rather stay here, honestly."

"But… but…" Ruby staggered. "You're like the greatest Huntress ever." Pyrrha simply laughed.

"Oh, you're too kind. I think the Huntress business was never really for me. Too much external pressure. I'd much rather challenge myself artistically, if that's all right."

"But we need you!" Weiss said desperately. "You could help us turn the tide against Salem!"

"I don't know who that is," Pyrrha confessed, "but I'm sure that whatever problems you are facing, you are more than capable of solving it together. There's no foe that you can't defeat if you work as a team." The others glanced uncomfortably at each other, and it didn't take long for Pyrrha to notice the tension moving through the room, spurred on by their nervousness. "Wait… did I miss something important since I've been gone?"

Ruby laughed somberly. "Um… you might want to take another sip of that wine. We've got some stuff to tell you about."

And so, Pyrrha downed her bottle of wine as Ruby told her everything. She told her about the orchestration of the Fall of Beacon, and how the Grimm were led by a bad bitch named Salem who Yang thought was super fucking hot. She explained the attack on Haven Academy that they thwarted, and the death of the White Fang, and how they got separated on a train, and how the Relic gave them powerful knowledge about the Two Brothers and Salem's backstory. They explained that Salem was immortal in every sense of the word, and how uniting the Relics together would summon the Gods back to Remnant to kill everyone unless Humanity had learned to put aside all its differences. She also, in a somewhat censored manner, explained an incident that occurred at Brunswick Farms that may have resulted in Team RWBY having an incestuous orgy. All throughout, Pyrrha sat in her recliner, taking in the story with wide, disbelieving eyes. When Ruby finally finished, the bottle of wine was empty, and Pyrrha burped as she contemplated all of the insane things she was just told.

"So, yeah… that's all of that," said Ruby, bowing her head. "Can you handle that?"

"Yeah. I think so," Pyrrha said hesitantly. "So, the only way to stop this Salem would be to bring the Gods back and make her no longer immortal?"

"We guess so?" Weiss said unsurely. "Or maybe Ruby can use her silver eyes? It's very unclear."

"I can tell," Pyrrha said, placing a finger to her chin. The wheels in her head were turning. The smallest seed of an idea was just beginning to take root. If only she could develop it further. "But if these Gods were to return to Remnant, they would smite all living creatures."

"Unless we resolve all differences," Blake stated. "In other words, yeah, they'll totally smite us."

"And you said you had an orgy with Salem?" Pyrrha asked. "You were able to take the Queen of Grimm, a woman who wants to commit genocide against humanity, and you were able to get away with her not killing you?"

"Yeah. She was fucking a genie or something," Yang said with a shrug. She gave a small smirk. "But I think she also found me cute."

The seed started to grow. The plan was formulated clearly. It might have been the alcohol, but she thought she was having a good idea. Pyrrha grinned to herself. Maybe, just maybe…

"Ruby, Yang, could you do me a quick favor?" Pyrrha asked calmly.

"What is it?" asked Ruby.

"Make out with each other for a few seconds."

Ruby gawked at the request. "Wait, are you serious? I'm not going to—"

"Done!" shouted Yang without another word, jumping to her feet. With boundless energy, she tackled Ruby to the floor and straddled her, and literally in a matter of milliseconds, before Ruby could protest or Weiss could scream or Ren could shove his hand into his pants, Yang shoved her tongue down her sister's throat. They began swapping sit right there on the floor, and Blake screamed in excitement at the taboo display of incestuous passion in front of her. Ruby resisted for half a moment, but she was too weak to stop herself from slathering her tongue deep inside her sister's cheeks, and the two made out for a solid ten seconds as everyone watched them in awe before they finally parted, lustful eyes meeting, a thin layer of spit connecting their lips. Yang flashed a smile at Pyrrha.

"Was that good enough?"

"Yes, yes. That's perfect!" Pyrrha said, happily springing to her feet. "I think I've found a way to defeat Salem and save Remnant."

The Huntresses—and Ren—shouted in unison. "You have?"

"Think about it," Pyrrha said, her mind racing. "The Gods have the power to destroy Salem permanently, but we can't risk bringing them to Remnant unless we are sure that all of Humanity is united. We have to find something strong enough to unify every man, woman and child on this planet, and there's only one thing strong enough to bring people together no matter who they are or where they come from. Something so strong that it was able to pacify even Salem herself when you had your encounter with her."

Yang, still on top of her sex-drunk sister, looked at Pyrrha suspiciously. "Incest?"

"No! Well, yes. A little bit," Pyrrha said before finally confessing her plan. "I'm talking about lesbians. Everyone loves lesbians! Boys watch it. Girls watch it. Even the gays watch it for some reason! The sight of two hot women passionately bringing each other to the throes of orgasm is enough to build bridges between even the most bitter enemies. If we broadcast lesbian porn across all of Remnant, and then bring together the Four Relics just as everyone watching hits their climaxes, the world will be in perfect harmony as the Two Brothers arrive to judge us. They'll deem us united and worthy, they'll de-power Salem, and then we'll finally be able to destroy her and the Grimm once and for all!"

Her former friends looked at each other in disbelief. That plan was so crazy that no one would believe it had a chance in hell of working. Unite all of the Kingdoms through the power of lesbianism? And the Faunus too? Pyrrha was clearly drunk. Not thinking straight. Unless… no, it was impossible! Blake rose to her feet in protest.

"But, Pyrrha," she objected, "even though we're a bunch of fucked up, perverted cumsluts, that doesn't mean everyone in the world is. Lesbian porn has existed forever, and there are people out there who do object to it. Homophobes. Angry, jealous losers. Preachers. You can't expect any random porno to do the trick."

"That's why it's not going to be any old random lesbian porn," Pyrrha said wickedly. "It's going to be a porn that I direct—one starring each and every one of you."

They all jumped to their feet in shock. They couldn't believe their ears.

"Starring us?" Weiss exclaimed. "No way! I'm not a porn star!"

"We're only Huntresses," Nora protested. "Sure, we like to fuck around, but we're not professionals!"

Pyrrha threw her fist into the air triumphantly. "That's what makes it powerful! We're not going to show artificial orgasms and glued on titties. We're going to make an authentic, real expose on the erotic life of the whore-ish Huntresses that keep our world safe from evil. And not just you, either! If we're going to produce a lesbian epic capable of saving all of Humanity, we need all the help we can get. Friends, family, schoolmates, bitter rivals—we're going to recruit every hot babe we can find in Remnant and film the greatest girl-on-girl sex the world has ever seen. It will be a glorious orgy of enormous proportion that will extort wisdom through oral consumption and moral corruption! It will be my magnum opus! It will be… Lesbians Save The World!"

Ruby looked at Weiss.

And Weiss looked at Blake.

And Blake looked at Yang.

And Yang looked at Nora.

And Nora looked at Ren.

And Ren looked at Penny.

And Jaune lied on the couch in toothless misery.

And they all looked at Pyrrha Nikos/Nyrrha Pikos, Huntress extraordinaire and pornography auteur, her crazy, impossible idea running through their minds with all of its perverted implications.

As Huntress, they figured, it was their job to save the world. It would be unfair not to give it a try...


Note: If you have a favorite character/ship/pairing scenario you would like to see with this ridiculous premise, leave a comment below. We'll probably do it because we have nothing better to do.