Chapter 5
Cas was the first to pull away and Dean instantly felt the loss of his warm body. He allowed his arms to drop to his sides as he eyed Cas warily. Cas turned his back to him and Dean felt himself wondering what was going through his mind. Dean hoped beyond hope that this was them moving forward, that everything could go back to being normal. But then what is normal? Dean pretending he didn't know about Cas? Cas pretending he didn't know that he knew? God, his head was starting throb.
As much as he wanted to initiate Cas into a conversation, to ask him if he was okay, he kept his mouth tightly shut, giving Cas the space he needed for the moment. When Cas finally turned back around, his eyes were cautious. He stared into Dean's eyes and Dean gulped past the lump. Perhaps there was no way to get past this. Perhaps this was the end and the sooner they both realized it the better. But he didn't want it to be the end. He needed Cas so much and he hoped that Cas needed him too.
When Cas spoke, Dean was taken aback by the softness of his voice. Dean was so use to the gruffness he didn't quite know how to react to this change in tone. "It's okay, Dean." It took Dean a little longer than it should have to register the words.
"What is?" He tried to match the gentle tone Cas had used, but was unsure if he managed it. The blood was ringing in his ears, his heart was pounding, his mouth was dry and his palms became sweaty. He was nervous. Nervous of what Cas was going to say next. Nervous that Cas was going to leave and not come back. He didn't know if he could deal with another loss.
Cas's eyes darted to the floor, his brows furrowing as though he was trying to work out how to phrase what was to come next. Dean tried to prepare himself for the blow that was to surely follow. When Cas looked back into his eyes, Dean needed to muffle his deep intake of breath. Cas held a new determination, a determination that he'd never seen in those blue eyes before.
"I don't expect anything from you, Dean, and that's okay. I'm okay with going on as though nothing has changed. Pretending. I've become quite use to it over the years."
Panic flared itself within Dean. Was he about to close himself off from all emotions? "I… I don't understand." He thought he understood, he needed Cas to confirm it for him. He needed Cas to say it.
Cas sighed. "You and me, we can remain friends. I hope. I just need you to know that I don't expect anything from you. It's my problem and I will get past it."
Dean felt a stab at his chest. A thought pushed forward, a thought that made him uncomfortable. He didn't want Cas to get past it. He wanted to take the sadness from his eyes by pushing him up against the Impala and kissing all their worries away. But like the chicken he is, he pushes the urge deep down, ignoring it as best he could.
Dean found himself nodding in agreement and that little voice was yelling at him for being a dick. Cas nodded back and smiled weakly at him. Dean returned the smile and before Dean could say anything Cas was gone. He fought against the urge to call him back, feeling the emptiness within him. Cas needed to do this and Dean needed to let him. It was the only way for things to become normal again.
Dean didn't know how long he stood staring at the spot where Cas had been standing, but eventually he turned away and pushed forward to the motel room. He knew he was going to get question after question from Sam. As much as he wanted to run away from it all, he also knew that he needed to get it over with. Sam needed to know he was okay and Dean needed to apologize for hitting him. With a deep breath, he pushed the door open.
The room was clean and back to normal. Cas must have used his angel mojo on the place. The thought of Cas sent a small twinge through his chest and he tried to push it away. His eyes caught Sam, who was sat with his laptop open. His brother's worried eyes sprang to his immediately. But Sam didn't say anything, just watched him cautiously. Dean didn't know whether to be relieved and grateful or pissed that Sam wasn't the one broaching the subject this time.
"Sorry." Dean avoided his brother's eyes. He hated any touchy-feely conversations, but he needed to do this, for Sam. "Sorry for busting your lip."
He heard Sam sigh and the sound of the laptop clicking shut. "Wanna talk about it?"
Dean shook his head. "If it's okay with you, I'd rather just forget about it." His eyes caught Sam's and he instantly regretted it. His brother was looking torn between being concerned and pissed as hell.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Cas and me had a chat. Alls good now, Sammy."
Sam nodded and Dean felt relief at the sign of his brother actually dropping the subject. "I'll go grab some breakfast and then we can get back to the case."
- SUPERNATURAL -
Dean wanted to think that things had completely and utterly gone back to normal after the conversation with Cas. It seemed to have gone back to normal. Cas was being… Cas. The bond he shared with Cas was still there and they were able to talk with each other as though nothing had changed. But every time Dean looked at him, he could see the hurt clear as day behind his blue eyes. This in turn hurt Dean. He hated how hurt Cas was. He hated that Dean couldn't do anything to ease the angel of his torment. He wasn't really all that surprised to find Cas was still in pain. Nobody got over being in love that quickly. He just wished he could help.
Dean had come to the conclusion that he was most definitely attracted to Cas. He'd gotten off to sexual thoughts about him for Christ's sake. He'd be a fool to not admit this to himself. But he had to keep it all bottled up. He wasn't in love with Cas. Would probably never be in love with him. If Dean acted on these thoughts then it would only hurt Cas so much more and he couldn't do that to the guy. He couldn't cause him any more pain. He was already in too deep as it was.
It had been three weeks since the conversation in the motel parking lot. The angel had been dealt with, but more had popped up. It seemed there was a whole group of them trying to get their attention. Trying to get Cas's attention. This worried Dean. He worried for his best friend. What if he was hurt again, or worse, died again. Dean needed him and he couldn't imagine not having him there.
They had now moved on from there motel and they were moving on to the next town that had another angel attack. The Implala was quiet, the darkness seeping in through the windows. His brother was asleep in the passenger seat, his head leaning against the glass. Cas was in the back seat, sulking. Cas had wanted to go on and start investigating to get a head start. Dean had completely dismissed the idea, saying they should stay together, so if there was an attack they'd be able to fight it off better with the three of them. They'd argued for all of ten minutes before Sam finally put his opinion across. He'd agreed with Dean. That had finally swayed Cas to oblige, didn't mean he had to like it though.
Dean swung his gaze to the rear view mirror and caught Cas's blue eyes with his own. He hadn't been expecting Cas to be watching him and it instantly threw him off. Those blue eyes held so much anger within them and he knew it had nothing to do with those pesky feelings the guy had. He was still angry at being outnumbered.
Fidgeting slightly in his seat, he gripped the steering wheel tighter and felt the urge to break the tension between them. "How are you doing, Cas?"
Cas rolled his eyes and Dean immediately remembered he should be watching the road. He swung his gaze back to the darkness ahead and waited a reply. "I'm angry, Dean. I still think I should have gone on a head. This is too slow, and time is of the essence."
Dean sighed. "That's not what I meant," he mumbled more to himself than to Cas, but Cas seemed to have heard him. He shot his eyes back to the angel in the back of his car and gasped in a lungful of air at the look he saw. The anger was completely gone and the pain was back. He hadn't meant to upset him, hadn't meant to bring up Cas's feelings towards him. He hadn't meant it like that. He had meant in general, not about anything in particular. But of course Cas would connect the two, the question and his feelings.
"Stop the car, Dean." His voice was barely audible over the engine. Dean knitted his brows together but complied. Just before the car had come to a stop at the side of the road, Cas was jumping out of the backseat.
Dean felt his heart constrict in pain for the guy. He was really hurting over this and Dean had never felt so completely useless as he did in that moment. He eyed Cas's back. Should he follow? Perhaps he should get him to talk to him.
Without fully thinking it through, he was out of the car and striding towards Cas. Cas didn't turn or acknowledge his presence. Dean leant against the car next to his best friend and eyed him cautiously from the corner of his eye. Cas had his eyebrows furrowed in confusion… or was it pain? His head tilted to the side. He was clearly trying to work something out, the pain was now masked with confusion. And god didn't he just love that look on him? It looked kind of adorable.
Dean sucked in a sharp breath as that thought passed through his mind. That was the first time he'd ever thought something like that. He'd always thought as him as sexy, never adorable. The silence extended before him and he found he needed to break it again, if only to distract himself from his own thoughts. "Talk to me, Cas."
Cas looked at him then, surprised a little at his presence. He really had been deep in thought. He sighed and looked straight ahead at the expanse of darkened fields. "I'm trying, Dean."
"Trying?" Cas nodded as though that explained everything. Dean kept his eyes trained on the guy, not wanting to miss a single clue as to what he was thinking. "Trying what?"
Cas looked back at him again. The pain was back in his eyes and Dean had to force himself not to step away from it. "I'm trying to get over you, Dean."
Dean had to step away then. A fist had suckered punched him straight in the gut and suddenly he couldn't breath. Three weeks its been, and Cas has spent it trying to get over him. That thought scared him and he couldn't fathom why. Why did that bother him so much? He knew this was what Cas was doing, he'd said so in the motel car park. But there was something different about the way he had said it and it hurt Dean and he really couldn't wrap his head around why. When they were in the parking lot, it had hurt him then as well. But why? "Dean?" Cas's sorrowed filled voice drifted through to his ears knocking him out of his own thoughts.
"Come on, we need to keep moving." Before Cas could reply, he was already moving around the car to the drivers side and climbing in. As he started the engine again he heard the back door go and knew Cas was now back in his seat.
Dean glanced at Cas and regretted it instantly. The angel was in so much pain. He knew he was running. He wasn't running from Cas or the talk about his feelings or anything. He was running from what he, himself, was feeling. He didn't know why it hurt so much to know that Cas was trying to get over him. This was what he wanted, wasn't it? He wanted Cas to be happy, he wanted things to return to normal again. So why did this hurt?
- SUPERNATURAL -
He really was trying. Trying to get over Dean was harder than he ever thought it would be. He knew he needed to do this, to move on. Not just for Dean though, although that's what kept him going. He needed to do this for himself. He felt the darkness surrounding him, swallowing him whole. There seemed to be no end to the pain he was in and he simply just didn't know how to cope any more. Normally he would go to Dean for guidance and clearly he couldn't do that, not about this. Dean would listen, he would be a friend, of course he would, but he would also look at Castiel with pity and sorrow. Castiel didn't want Dean to feel sorry for him, not about this. He just needed to forget for a while.
The thought had come to him, he would be lying if he said it hadn't. He could leave. Get some space, some perspective, away from the Winchesters. But they were still hunting the angels down and he couldn't leave the brothers in the lurch like that, especially when it was his fault to begin with. He needed time away from Dean, he knew that was probably how he was going to get over his feelings for the man, but now was not the time.
It was early morning when Dean pulled the Impala into a motel car park and Castiel almost sighed in relief. He didn't know how he managed to stifle it, but he was glad he did. Yet again, he didn't want to alert Dean to the pain he was in. He climbed out of the car quickly, wanting to escape the tension from within. Sam followed, stretching and yawning, having woken up only ten minutes ago. Dean climbed out after, completely blanked the both of them and moved to the reception area of the motel.
Sam furrowed his brows in worry and looked at Castiel. Castiel just about managed to keep his face stony and impassive, not wanting to alert the younger Winchester of anything being wrong. Dean would most definitely not want Sam to find out about any of this. Dean returned a few minuets later, a key in his hand, Sam grabbed their bags and Castiel followed them both into their room.
"Sam, you can start the research and I'm going to sleep." He threw the keys onto the motel table and collapsed onto the bed. He hadn't looked at Castiel and this worried him. Had he said something wrong? Done something wrong? Maybe it was their conversation last night, maybe it had upset Dean in some way. But why would it? Dean didn't share Castiel's feelings. Surely he would want to Castiel to get over them as quickly as he could.
"Actually, I'm going to grab some breakfast. Want anything?" Sam asked, grabbing the Impala's keys. Dean shook his head. Castiel watched as Sam showed concern for his brother. He was starting to sense something was up and Dean would not allow his brother to go poking around.
"Get him some pie, Sam. I'm sure he wouldn't be too tired to eat that." Sam laughed at that and agreed. Castiel could feel Dean's eyes burning a hole through him, but he forced himself to keep his eyes glued to Sam. Sam walked out, shutting the door behind him. Eventually, Cas turned to face Dean who was still watching him.
"I'm not hungry," he growled out through clenched teeth.
Castiel gulped. He'd made Dean angry. Pushing his feelings aside, he spoke in his usual calm, gruff voice. "Sam was starting to notice." This had Dean frowning. Confusion maybe? "He was starting to notice something was wrong with you."
"Yeah, I'm tired," he mumbled.
"That's not it. You and I both know that."
,
Dean stood, anger rolling off of him. Castiel refused to back down. He knew he was in the right and if Dean couldn't control his emotions, then that was his problem. He allowed his own anger to surface. Anger he didn't realize he was holding onto. What was he angry at exactly? Maybe it was the fact that Dean didn't think he was capable of love, maybe he was angry at himself for allowing all of this come to come to light, or maybe it was the fact that Dean was acting childish over some pie, or maybe it was all of the above.
"I don't need you to make decisions for me, Cas."
"You know what will happen. You refuse to eat, Sam will know something is going on with you. He will prod and prod until eventually you tell him… something. So stop being childish and grow up, Dean." Dean's eyes widened in alarm, but Castiel wasn't done. The anger was giving him some false confidence. But more than that he'd had enough of the pain in his chest, constantly feeling it, constantly feeling like he was drowning in his own grief. "Don't forget, you're not the one who's constantly hurting."
He turned from him then, regret filling him. He shouldn't have said that, he knew that, but there was no going back. He was too busy wallowing in his own self pity that he missed the whispered reply. He turned sharply, eyes narrowing. "What?"
Dean sighed, all the fight leaving him. "I said, I am hurting."
Castiel's heart stopped and his breathing slowed. No he didn't want Dean to hurt. That's why he was trying to get over him. He shook his head. "Why?" He knew why but he needed Dean to say it, to say that it was all because of Castiel's feelings.
Dean slumped back onto the bed, defeated. He wasn't look at Castiel any more. He had his arms on his legs, hands clasped and his gaze trained at the floor. Castiel waited patiently. Finally,"I can't tell you. It will just hurt you more."
All the anger had now completely vanished, leaving Castiel confused. Did he really want to know what Dean was thinking? Especially if it hurt him? Yes, yes he did. "I can take it, Dean. I need to know why your hurting." Surely it was because of Castiel's feelings. Maybe he was going to ask him to leave. That wouldn't hurt as much as Dean thinks it would. Castiel would feel relief. Maybe he should just put Dean out of his misery.
Dean shook his head again and closed his eyes. Castiel itched to move closer to him, to comfort him but he couldn't. He opened his mouth to say that he understood and he would leave immediately but Dean spoke first. "I don't know why. I can't come up with any reasons behind it." He looked up at Cas, confusion and anguish written in his green eyes. "I don't want you to get your hopes up. I don't even know what it means. But… it hurt. I'd never felt anything like it."
He fell silent and Castiel couldn't breath. What hurt? Had he been wrong about why Dean was hurting. He wanted to ask so much but he stayed silent, waiting for Dean to come to terms with whatever he was about to say.
"It hurt when you said you were trying to get over me."
- SUPERNATURAL -
Wow! That was so awesome to write. So what do you think will happen now? How do you guys think Cas will react to Dean's revelation? Please leave a review and tell me what you think, I really am interested in your opinions.
Until next time.
